What Is Reasonable?

[FiveHappyFrogs]

Hi,

Sorry I'm new to this but I will try get everything across so please bear with me!

DH and I are trying to draw up a parenting plan for him and DSS mother to suggest to her. DSS is 7. DSS mother is very hostile towards DH and the purpose of said plan is to hopefully reduce conflict between them.

The longest DSS has ever spent with us consecutively is 3 nights - her choice. She also will not permit him to go on holiday with us.

I've seen here before and feel a need to say that DH and I have been together for 5 years and we have a child of our own. I was not the OW, she left him and we got together about a year after their split.

DH is going to propose taking DSS EOW Friday from school until Monday morning again at school. He is also going to suggest half of the holidays for Easter and summer. EXW is happy for OH to take DSS over holidays because it helps with childcare but she does not want it to be in consecutive nights more than 3 nights at a time because she misses him too much. Even when he is with us for 2/3 nights DH is bombarded with text messages and phone calls during that time which is really intrusive in to his time with DSS and in all honestly puts a fair amount of strain on our relationship.

I suppose my main question is how much contact do you think is reasonable with resident parent when child is with non resident parent? We're trying to go to email rather than texts. Would you say one email a day when he is with us is sufficient to suggest? Should he be phoning her during that time? For more extended time we are going to try get a consecutive week - how much is reasonable then? And how often would DSS be expected to be in contact with her eg. Via video call? Obviously if DSS wants or asked to phone his mum we would never say no to that - but he's never asked before, it is her who insists we set time aside to make him phone her.

Does anybody have any experience of what main points should be covered for a parenting plan of a 7 year old in a situation where ideally we'd have as much limited / indirect contact with EXW while having as much time with DSS as is reasonable.

Thanks in advance. Sorry if any of that was unclear!

[DaffoDeffo]

Every other weekend and half holidays is totally normal and reasonable

[DelphiniumBlue]

Of the reality is that DH works shifts , then any parenting proposal needs to take that into account. It could include a formula by which notice of the shifts is given/ calculated.

As you say, if fixed arrangements mean that D'S is pa rented by you, then that's not re ally for his benefit. It's lovely that you are happy to help out and step into the breach, but D'S will want tosee his Dad.
ExE sounds As if she is very anxious. D'S is still quite young . I've noticed that in many families who live together, the mother is often more sensitive to perceived danger to the child than the father. Parents often disagree regarding freedom/ responsibility/safety even when they are together, and for an anxious parent it must be torture seeing photos of your child in what you consider to be potentially unsafe situation s, knowing that the person taking the phtoo hasn't seen the issue.
Not sure what you can do about her anxiety, but might be worth considering what reassurance she needs?

[takeittakeit]

OP - go to whatsapp.
My Ex calls at the most inconvenient times - getting kids out the door to school, bathtime etc etc - every day 2-3 times per day!! If he did not get a repsonse, land line e mail text etc!

I now send him pics messages regualrly, encourage eldest to send him stuff spontaneously and he has calmed down a little and if he does not get a reply - at least can see the ticks have it delivered and when it has been seen.

Contact is still ad oc and after 4.5 yrs I have given up expecting anything different. I organise stuff andwaste monies because he can not get his act together but at the end of the day - my DCS are happy. The rest is irrelevant.

The comments summer time child care and being easier for her from some people -really annoy me. I can't have DCs because I do not get enough time off work for half the holidays - yada yada yada. Neither do most RPs - if you have the SDCs for half the holidays and their DF is at work - then there are enough kids activity days to occupy them till he comes home. That is what most working RPs have to do.

summer is 2 weeks away with me - then we rotate weeks of drama, football, cricket, tennis etc etc. It costs monies but guess what the RP is not free childcare for the NRP who wants more time but only when they can fit it in.

I used to miss my DCS alot on the few occasions they were with their DF. It is now better but I do like the odd whats app message especially in the evening. When you do 90% of the caring and responsibility it is hard to give up that control.

[HollyGoLoudly]

@FiveHappyFrogs

Your posts are almost an exact mirror of what we have been through. Everything you have requested sounds totally fair and reasonable, but from my experience it doesn't matter how fair/reasonable your access request is - unless the EXW is willing to agree.

The EXW is our situation didn't agree, access has been inconsistent for years now (depending on how well EXW and DP are getting on that particular month) and it feels like there is pretty much nothing we can do about it. Things came to a bit of a head when we decided to try for our own DC and wanted a set agreement with more contact (because we miss DSD, so the siblings can bond and so we can actually plan things in advance!). We saw 2 different lawyers last year who told us we would have to accept what little contact we are given, as even though we would almost certainly be granted an order, we could in no way afford to take it to court. We're (only just) over the threshold for legal aid and now have our own DC on the way and can't afford even a fraction of what we were told it could potentially cost to get a court order.

Hope you have more luck than we did!