met my now DW whilst she was still with her EXH, however in a very unhappy / controlling relationship and was afraid to leave. But I helped her out of that situation..."
Actually my response (deep down) would be identical. It is no different to the standard, 'my wife doesn't understand me, I'm trapped because of the children, all she does is shout at me, I hate my life.'
That may well be the case, it may not be, but it's very hard to unpick the truth because on the whole, people tell themselves what they need to tell themselves in order to justify their behaviour. It's what our brains are fundamentally wired to do.
Whichever party makes the decision to leave, will possibly always be frowned upon but it might not always be the wrong decision.
No one on these boards (aside from a few marriage is for life commentators) would, I think, say that leaving if you are unhappy is frowned upon. I would have welcomed my EXH speaking to me openly and telling me how desperately unhappy he was. But he didn't want to. Because whilst running off his mouth about how 'trapped' he was, the reality was he came home to 2.4 kids and wife. He wanted it all. You see, so much of this is about perception, justification and storytelling.
And the OW/ OM who somehow continue to justify her/ his actions, I'm afraid there are very few people in life who will understand. Or Sympathise.
In my late twenties, an ex boyfriend called me.Out of the blue. He was unhappy and divorcing his wife he told me. He couldn't take anymore. He was going to leave her and his kids the house and move out.
He had until that point in my life, been the love of my life and I was yet to move into a committed (aka married) relationship since he and I had split some 8 years previously. He possibly knew this because of family connections.
When I drilled down, he hadn't actually told her what he was telling me. He hadn't retained a lawyer and he was still in their house.
I told him not to call me ever again, not until he had made the decision that leaving her was what he wanted to do for him. Had moved out. Started divorce proceedings and been separated for at least a year. If I was still single at that point then we could talk but that it was unlikely I would be. I then hung up.
12 years has passed since then. My phone never rang. He's still with her. Had I told him in that phone call to leave her and come to me this is what would have happened.
- He would have left her and come straight to me. Like a monkey, he needed another branch to swing to before letting go of the one he had.
- Once reality of not seeing his kids had kicked in and the reality of this being forever, he would have gone back to her. And if she hadn't taken him back, he would have been wracked with guilt and pining.
THAT's the cold harsh reality of the OW. It's nasty, selfish and self serving.