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Original poster

That you were / are the other woman

146 replies

Willyouadmit · 28/04/2018 21:24

I admit I was. I read a lot of threads on here and posters always justify with I was not the other woman. My DH and I have been together 10 years. When I met him he didn't initially (for about a month) tell me he was married with children. The day he told me everything I was angry and upset. I told him he had to make his decision immediately.

OP posts:
Original poster
Willyouadmit · 28/04/2018 23:37

Needagoodbook- I have a very minimal relationship with DH exw, it is usually centred around contact times for children. But not once have I ever bad mouthed her to SC (or anybody else) and Why would I? Neither does DH.
Thank you for your comment.

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 29/04/2018 07:21

What an odd thread. It’s like you needed to justify yourself to a group of strangers. Confused

elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 07:32

OP most other women do not ever say they were the OW publicly at any point.
I think they are mostly ashamed and embarrassed about it, and unless they are in the company of very close friends it is never spoken about.

I can spot an OW a mile off, without a word though, and I have never been hurt etc in this way. The OW is usually the one that looks uncomfortable in her own skin, lacks confidence and eye contact and doesn't always look relaxed. She is usually a nice enough person but the
relationship and its beginnings have somehow diminished her.

lunar1 · 29/04/2018 07:58

Relationships would hardly have been appropriate either. Do you think people who are going through their family being ripped apart by their partner and an OW need to hear your thoughts on things?

NorthernSpirit · 29/04/2018 08:37

Don’t agree with the posters here who say YOU broke up the relationship.

He was married, he decided to look elsewhere, he broke up the relationship.

swingofthings · 29/04/2018 08:45

Sometimes it comes down to the stage at which the woman becomes the OW. I think in a number of cases, the interest did start before the separation, even the friendship, the confidences about how miserable they are in their marriage, how much better listener they are then their partners etc.... but if they waited one day until they moved out to be sexually intimate, then it's not called being the OW.

takeittakeit · 29/04/2018 08:54

,.Someone had to come along and absolve the OW/OM of all responsibility!

Yes the person in the relationship broke it, the OW/OM were party to that and are no innocent in the whole proceedings.

As to not saying anything bad about the EX - you do not need to say anything, a look, a deep breath and ignoring when the DCS bring their other parent up - is enough for the DCS to know you do not like their mother/ father etc.

GorgonLondon · 29/04/2018 09:18

But not once have I ever bad mouthed her to SC (or anybody else)

Wow, a true saint.

NeedAGoodBook · 29/04/2018 09:24

ohrealyohreally, of course I know that. I have a good friend who married at 22 and at nearly 47 she is still happy with him. No idea at all what he feels of course.

HOWEVER, it's not a secret that people change as they grow older, experiences mature you, alter you, wound you, give your clarity, perspective. There is so much scope for change and I don't think it's a crazy thing to suggest that getting married young, early to mid twenties does increase the possibility of waking up next to a stranger at 40.

It's no commentary on your marriage. Just statistical likelihoods.

Ilovesliz · 29/04/2018 09:28

OP you’re getting a hard time on here Flowers.

Again, I’m not sure what the point of your post is, but you’re getting a right bashing. It was 10 years ago. Leave it alone.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 29/04/2018 09:42

's no commentary on your marriage. Just statistical likelihoods

I’m not married. Where are these statistics?

greenlanes · 29/04/2018 09:45

takeittakeit - 2 very well written posts. But yet again people who have cheated like OP are not willing to own the hurt and betrayal that their (and their new partner's) actions have caused.

My ex has been with his partner now for well, i dont know exactly how long. When do i start counting their relationship from? The date he first took her for dinner behind my back (I was packing for us (including DC) to go away on holiday); the date they first slept together (he was working "late" I was organising Christmas for his family and mine, and working) etc. Approx 6-7 years. That is now a long term relationship. But they never admitted properly to anyone that it started as a grubby affair. It causes problems in the wider family, affecting DC ongoing. So they remain liars, no longer cheats. So is that OK now?

What neither of them can understand is that honesty would have gone so much better. I think is the real issue here - values. Would you want to do business knowingly with someone who cheats? Because their value set is likely to be that they will screw you over too.

NeedAGoodBook · 29/04/2018 09:46

Ok ive no idea. I just thought that getting married in your early 20s meant there was a higher than average chance the marriage wouldnt make it.

I could be wrong. Of course there is a difference between a marriage lasting (ie not divorcing) and being happy in the relationship.

Im not married either so I dont care enough to continue arguing this point.

Im too old to marry young!

DairyisClosed · 29/04/2018 09:49

I would never admit to having so little self worth that I would actually want a degenerate man who would just chat on his side like that. Far too embarrassing. But then again I would never do it either.

Belindabauer · 29/04/2018 09:58

I see what you are saying op.
Lots of people like to hope that an affair relationship will not last.
That is not always the case though.
A friend of mine had an affair with a married man, he had children.

I don't know the details of the n marriage but I do know that at some point they were having relationship counselling.
My friend has been married for years, together over 20. They are one of the most compatible couples I know. However her family all believe they met later, when he had left his first wife.
My ex met his ex when his marriage had ended. She was still married though and ended up leaving her husband for him. All his family though she was single when they met.
My dps ex wife was having an affair. She is still with the om . Their kids do not know that she was cheating on their dad with their step dad.

eloisesparkle · 29/04/2018 10:03

So many celebrities have affairs and so often these subsequent marriages seem to work out.
But I think of the hurt caused to the first spouse ( and children).

Original poster
Willyouadmit · 29/04/2018 10:22

Gorgon- no not really I was making a statement with regards to a previous PP - who had explained her friend is now married to a man who left his wife. She stated she is sometimes critical of the fact his first wife doesn't work.
Takeittakeit - And I don't give deep breaths, a look or, be dismissive when the children talk about their mum. I never stated i dont like her. And of course I understand the implications to the children.
It's not about justification I think I have stated a couple of times why I have asked. And with finding the other thread I did - about whether men marry the OW, many replies from people who know of affairs it seems contradictory that it is always stated I was not OW but yet it seems affairs happen a lot.
There was no sexual intimacy before he had separated from EXW- as mentioned by a PP too.
I guess everybody's situation is different and when he told me he was married obviously he had to make a decision. When I found out i would not have continued to see him on the promise he would leave. His relationship with his exw was not good - hence his counselling, he had very low self esteem and self worth.

OP posts:
Original poster
Willyouadmit · 29/04/2018 10:29

Posted too soon.
Why didn't he leave before? I've asked many times? He doesn't really know - through his counselling it came out that he said he was just living in a bubble. He thought about it many times... thought his situation would change, thought it would be better if he wasn't here at all. Unless you're actually in that situation I suppose it's difficult to understand.

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 29/04/2018 10:44

Are you that naive? He isn’t going to sell you his marriage as being loving and a partnership is he, of course he’s going to play the victim,the one that is hard done by and treated appalling. You weren’t in their marriage so you have no idea what went on but you were a factor in it breaking down.

Unless you can give examples which tbh are biased because again you weren’t party to their relationship you will gain no sympathy. It’s likely he was having several affairs whilst his wife was at home with the dc. I would be extremely surprised if you were the first and I wouldn’t trust him in your relationship when the going gets tough.

Dancingmonkey87 · 29/04/2018 10:45

Classic script he was in a bubble it was too much it was all the wife’s fault he strayed give me strength

TokenBritPoshOfCourse · 29/04/2018 10:48

This is the guy that went back to her for a while and lied about it, and his dd ended up telling you?

You keep posting these insecure threads. Look, it’s been ten years, you have children together, you really need to either own it or move on.

Dancingmonkey87 · 29/04/2018 10:57

Well well the plot thicken I’m guessing from pp that his evil ex wife snared him away and he was in a state to really understand what he was doing?

Original poster
Willyouadmit · 29/04/2018 11:07

Token- I'm sorry I think you have hot mixed up with another post. He never went back to his exw. I've never posted about this before. I'm not insecure. You obviously haven't read all my posts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Willyouadmit · 29/04/2018 11:28

Dancingmonkey - No I wasn't part of relationship but his family members have spoken to me about their relationship. They had concerns, they were involved in situations when the police / paramedics were involved with my DH as the victim. I'm glad you think his bubble was so stereo typical- perhaps your views are why so few men admit to being a victim. I've never stated it was all one sided. If it was the other way round im sure your views would be different.
My OP was not about him, affairs, the reasons, the circumstances, children, family dynamics etc etc, I asked whether or not people admit to it. As people are always very quick to state they were not and if you actually read my PP regarding another thread (not by me) regarding the inconsistencies between affairs/ relationships lasting.
I have obviously come to the conclusion that the vast majority stereotype people, are very quick to judge, and do not seem to be able to comprehend that each individual situation can be very different, however I cannot give too much detail for fear of outting. There have been some posters who I think understand my point, some who have given examples of this situation and obviously posts from wives who were cheated.

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 29/04/2018 11:45

Has your dp got custody of his dc because his dw was so bad? Of course his family and friends are going to side with him.