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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Feel like I'm going mad please help

28 replies

Nonmotherof3 · 21/04/2018 22:08

My boyfriend's three kids came to live with us full time at the end of last year. Mum hast seen them since they came.

Their granny (her mother) wants to visit and stay In our home?? Am I being unreasonable thay I don't even want her in our home....let alone sleeping here?

Please help me. I know they have to see this family but don't want to be part of it. Now I'm worried it's going to affect them if I don't accept her into my home.

OP posts:

Smeddum · 21/04/2018 22:11

Why can’t she stay locally and visit your home? Why does she have to stay?
How involved was she when they lived with their mum?

DaisyChainsForever · 21/04/2018 22:14

Does she have much contact with them generally? Can your dp take them out to meet her some where instead? Have you discussed your feelings with him?

DaisysStew · 21/04/2018 22:14

Why does she need to stay over? If she lives a fair distance then stay in a hotel and come and take the kids out for the day.

Original poster

Nonmotherof3 · 21/04/2018 22:15

She wants my boyfriend to pay for her to get here. Pay for b&b now if we book it. Pay for everything actually....

She was very involved with the kids, there's no issue what so ever about her visiting. More the terms of the visit, I am really uneasy about her coming into my home?

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 21/04/2018 23:31

She needs to pay for her own travel and accommodation. If she's serious about seeing her GC she can do that.

Handsfull13 · 21/04/2018 23:36

She needs to find her own place to stay and pay for it. As much as you would rather not have her in your house I would try to come to some compromise about it. Maybe meet out for lunch and then have dinner at home so half in half out.

She is the children's family but she isn't yours or even your partners so you are being nice facilitating her relationship with the children.
She needs to under this happens on your terms not hers.

Goosegrass · 22/04/2018 07:10

These kids havent seen their mother for ages and you don’t even want to let their previously involved Grandmother in your house at all? Doesn’t seem like you’re putting them first.

Original poster

Nonmotherof3 · 22/04/2018 07:16

Goosegrass I took 3 children into my home with very little notice, with a boyfriend who I wasn't even living with and had been with 8 months.They definitely do come first.

It is terribly messy with his ex as you can imagine and I don't want her mother in my home. Happy to facilitate a weekends visit but don't want her here? If thay is unreasonable then I will....

OP posts:

Fishface77 · 22/04/2018 07:27

Yanbu.
If she really wants to see them she can make arrangements that don’t involve your home!
Well done for putting the kids first.
Hope it works out for you, I couldn’t do it!

MeridianB · 22/04/2018 07:32

Are they old enough to go and stay with her for the weekend instead?

Original poster

Nonmotherof3 · 22/04/2018 08:32

Meridian they can't stay with her. She has to visit here. And one of us has to supervise the entire thing.

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 22/04/2018 08:52

You are not being unreasonable. If she wants to see the children she should pay for travel & accompadation (I think it’s really cheeky that she wants you to pay. Why does she feel so entitled? If anyone her own daughter should pay.

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 09:08

@Goosegrass actually I think OP IS putting them first. The grannie who is demanding they pay for her travel, subsidise her accommodation and have her live in their house is taking the piss.

There is no need for GM to have anything paid for her, she can pay for herself.
She can stay in local accommodation (again paid for by herself)
Contact can be supervised by your partner outside your home OP.

bonnyshide · 22/04/2018 09:12

She needs the pay for her own travel and accommodation.

Facilitating the visit and having her visit them in your home is very good if you, and more than most people would do.

Also if you agree to it this once, she's going to want to do it more often in the future.

FredaNerkk · 22/04/2018 09:12

YANBU.

If she comes, she should have separate accommodation. Otherwise there is likely to be an 'atmosphere' in the house that is not good for anyone.

Maybe look on AirBNB for something, and suggest that to her? Or send info about a cheap BnB.

Regarding whether your BF offers some money towards the trip:

would the children really like to see her?
will she come if she has no financial help?
is there a significant difference between your BF's financial situation and hers?
is it something she has done that makes it impossible for the children to visit her at her place? If a goodwill gesture is appropriate in the circumstances, I would offer a fixed amount "towards the costs". Fixing the amount keeps it under control.

There is a good suggestion above: that she meets the children out of the house during the day (playground, soft play, pizza), and that at least once during her visit you invite her to the house to be involved in bedtime etc. After the kids are in bed it will be natural for her to return to her accommodation.

Try to put yourself in her shoes. It will make it easier for you in the long run. But YANBU. Seeing things from her perspective does not mean that you ignore your own perspective.

holiday101 · 22/04/2018 09:15

Granny issue aside I am concerned for you that all of this situation became your problem only knowing your bf for 8 months. Are you happy like this? It sounds as if you are doing a great job but I really hope your bf is pulling his weight.

TeachesOfPeaches · 22/04/2018 09:16

Because the children now live in your house is the Granny now much further away? What is her financial situation? If she can't afford it will it mean the children no longer see their Granny?

user1493413286 · 22/04/2018 09:19

I would agree that it would be uncomfortable to have her stay but I think it would be good for the children to see her being welcomed into your home for a few hours when she visits such as for a meal etc.
Could you visit her and stay locally and treat it as a little holiday?

Ylvamoon · 22/04/2018 09:20

I would think that if the visit has to be supervised, than she can't stay / sleep at your house.
On a practical note, so you actually have the space of money to put her up?

Original poster

Nonmotherof3 · 22/04/2018 09:28

Granny is 6hrs away. I have no idea of their financial situation. They contribute nothing financially towards the kids and neither does the mother. Boyfriend (and me) pay for everything.

It was a little full on (insane) this being 8 months into a relationship but these things happen. I knew when u started seeing him he had 3 kids, with that there's always a chance they could arrive whatever the circumstance. I suppose I just got on with it as it needed to happen.

We have no space to put her up either but she is saying that my boyfriend was always welcome in her home and she found room for him?

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 22/04/2018 11:10

Why does she feel that it's your BF's duty to pay for her to visit her DGC? And how the hell has she got the right to expect to stay at your home, when you probably hardly know her....most Importantly, how often will she want to make this trip??
I'd sit down with BF, and discuss how you both feel about this, and come to a final conclusion about what you are/are not prepared to accept....if your decisions don't suit the granny, she'll have to make separate arrangements!

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 11:15

if your decisions don't suit the granny, she'll have to make separate arrangements!

This!

Original poster

Nonmotherof3 · 22/04/2018 12:05

Ok. It's so hard, constantly feel like I need to make the right decision for the kids wellbeing.

They had a care plan with children's services which mother and grandparents failed to meet.

I feel like if she comes to the home she will disrupt the environment we have put in place to make the children feel more secure.

I also feel that whilst she had a close relationship with the children she didn't safeguard their wellbeing enough on the 3.5 days a week she was meant too - had She then we wouldn't even be having this discussion

OP posts:

fizzymama · 25/04/2018 20:51

YANBU about her staying in your home. It's very nice that your BF was welcome in her home but at some point he was part of her extended family. With 3 children and 2 adults I assume you don't have that much spare room - unless you live in a mansion or castle or something
She is not yours or your BFs family and it sounds like it is either her daughter's or both of, their faults she cannot see her grandchildren on a regular basis. However she is their grandmother and if the children enjoy her company and they miss her then I would be inclined to agree with PPs about splitting a visit. Meeting for an activity, perhaps lunch out, then return to yours for tea and maybe if the children feel comfortable she can help with bath and bedtime then off she goes to her accommodation. And there is no way you should be paying for her travel costs or hotel etc. You may offer to treat her for lunch?
Also, what are the children's views ? How do they feel, what would they like to do?

OreoMini · 25/04/2018 21:19

No I wouldn’t let her in my home.

She can pay for separate acc and her travel herself. Cheeky mare.

I wouldn’t let her in the house at all actually, the kids home is there safe space and I don’t think she should be welcome into it. I would meet her outside the property

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