Is it normal for kids to be disruptive at the dinner table?

[pondduck]

Is it normal for a 6 & 9 year old to be unable to eat a meal at the dinner table without being disruptive? I am shocked and appalled at the behaviour and would never have been allowed to get away with this behaviour as a child. Is this normal for their age? I don't have any experience of this age children apart from my step children. Dh thinks it is not great but not terrible either. Why is it so hard for them to just sit down and actually eat their food!

No it’s not normal. I have 2 DSC (they were 6 & 9) when I met them 3 years ago. They are capable of sitting down and eating a meal. When they were younger they sometimes resorted to eating with hands but dad picked them up on this.

Sounds like your OH needs to set some boundaries. Do you sit down at the dinner table together?

I suppose it depends what you mean by 'disruptive'.

2-4 year old yes, normal. 5 onwards they should be able to sit for 20-30 minutes in a civilised way in my opinion.

But when they're 2 or 3 they're not usually disruptive in that sense, are they? They might want to get down in the middle of dinner, but they're not usually deliberately causing trouble.

At 6 and 9, though, they should easily be able to behave. What is it they're doing?

What do you mean by disruptive? Occasional drink spillage, needing to get up for the loo, having to be reminded to cut food up properly, the odd burp followed by giggles would all be reasonably normal, especially for a 6 year old.

Sorry I didn't give enough detail.
They can't sit still, have to kick the floor or chair loudly, violently rock on the chairs, climb on the chairs, sit the opposite way on the chairs, use the knife and fork to bang on the table.
They get up to go and play in the other room despite repeatedly being told to sit back down. Or pretend that they need the toilet and just mess around in there.
They will moan that they don't like the food, that they won't eat any more. They have thrown food.
They talk over any one else talking and are rude and chat back. When their dad tells them off they just laugh. If their dad tells them no they need to finish that piece of food before they can have pudding etc they will turn it in to a negotiation. It's exhausting just thinking about it.

No definitely not but that doesn't mean it's not getting pretty common. Table manners are seriously dwindling these days. Spend five minutes at a child friendly restaurant and you'll see what I mean. I've always been really strict on how mine behave when dining out and they've always acted civilised. I get really put off my dinner by unruly children and end up getting stressed out and chewing down Rennies and Tums!

Kids of that age should be able to sit and eat for 20 pr30 minutes.

What are they doing to disrupt?

@AuntLydia
The things you mentioned would be absolutely fine. If it was just those things I think it would be a dream meal with them!

High pitched laugh

My dc are like that aged 4 and 7. Particularly 7yo incapable of sitting still. Its not for wont of trying and being quite strict. They get up mid meal. Particularly if its just the 2 of them. Drives me mad. Invariably loses whatever treat or dessert might be available.

They dont bang much though. That sounds unusual.

Yeah that sounds extremely trying, unusually so! Can you get them involved with cooking/laying the table? Rewards for sitting still?

My 3-year-old has been guilty of this behaviour before, but it’s rare and he gets told off for it!

At their age, these children should know better! They’re doing it for attention.

pretend that they need the toilet and just mess around in there.
They will moan that they don't like the food, that they won't eat any more. They have thrown food.
They talk over any one else talking and are rude and chat back. When their dad tells them off they just laugh. If their dad tells them no they need to finish that piece of food before they can have

Yep all of that. Its hard if youve just landed in the middle of it.

@ZenNudist fair enough. I suppose that's why I am asking, to see if I have unfair expectations and that they may just grow out of the behaviour.
But reading that other posters 3 year olds can sit & behave for a meal is a bit concerning though!
I don't know where we are going wrong!

Mine are younger at 4 and 6 and the behaviour you describe can occur but usually when they are tired / upset / bored more generally and have already been in trouble that day. It's getting less and less frequent and certainly doesn't happen if they like the food and are hungry for it. What's the rest of the story - do they spend much time with their dad? Could they be playing up for his attention?

Most of that is attention seeking and as far as I know is not normal table behaviour.
How annoying. I would talk to DH to make a plan but my instinct would be to keep them engaged in conversation . You could even play word games but the main thing would be to put them centrally in the meal experience and give them masses of positive attention .try very hard not to give the bad behaviour attention by reacting to it if you possibly can and try to make positive remarks/ compliments etc outweigh negative ones by at least 5 to 1.
Tough.

It could be an attention thing I suppose. But they spend lots of time with him one on one, so I'm not sure that's it. Probably more than a lot of dads in families that haven't split up.

@custardlover our dinner table antics are almost identical with similar ages children . 6 & 9 should be able to focus and behave better imo. My 6 year old is like a dream tbh it's his younger siblings that disrupt him. 9 year old should have pretty much universally acceptable table manners and their 6 year old should've aiming to emulate those.

Sounds like your DH needs to lay down some rules and consequences. They’re old enough to behave. It’s poor discipline that has let them get to this stage.

Mine are terrible and we eat dinner at the table every single day. Ds8 is the worst, he would eat mash with his hands if let. Swings off the chair, gets on and off his chair, remembers something and has to go get it, moans about the food (unless it's chips or plain pasta) . Dd10 squirrels good in her cheeks like a hamster, gets more food on her than in her and they bicker too. I guess they may eventually grow out of it and it's not for want of reminders either.

Why is it so hard for them to just sit down and actually eat their food?. Figure out the answer to that and you will make a fortune in parenting manuals.

Pretty normal IME. My children are a little younger but I find meal times hugely stressful and expect them to be that way for quite some time (years) to come.

Most of my friends who are parents hate meal times too. They are endured not enjoyed.

@RainbowBriteRules 'Most of my friends who are parents hate meal times too. They are endured not enjoyed'
That's so sad though. I remember enjoying family meal times as a child. Maybe things are different now.

Not normal in my world! Throwing food and banging cutlery? Not normal at all!

Being a bit fidgety, yes. I have friends whose DCs will wander away from the table, although mine have never done this.

I do have one who will complain about the food though- he is extremely picky! But he'll just tell us he doesn't like it, he won't whine or misbehave.

They sound quite badly behaved, OP.

Food is the worst bit of parenting for me. From the very beginning there is the pressure to feed them the ‘right’ things which they usually hate anyway.

Mealtimes with the constant need to plan what to make, serve it, police behaviour at the dinner table, clear it away, then it is time for the next one are absolutely exhausting.

Yep, mealtimes are fucking awful but that is only my experience and almost everyone I know

Perhaps some agreed mealtime rules with your OH.

Convey these to the children and also the sanctions that will ensue if they do not abide by the rules.

Sometimes step-children try it on a bit and step-parents try too hard to be goodies, when parenting involves being a baddie sometimes!

Jointly agreed rules/boundaries/sanctions are the way to go.