Is it normal for kids to be disruptive at the dinner table?

[pondduck]

Is it normal for a 6 & 9 year old to be unable to eat a meal at the dinner table without being disruptive? I am shocked and appalled at the behaviour and would never have been allowed to get away with this behaviour as a child. Is this normal for their age? I don't have any experience of this age children apart from my step children. Dh thinks it is not great but not terrible either. Why is it so hard for them to just sit down and actually eat their food!

And ignore any cries of "But Mum lets me do that"!!!!

Answer: "But I do not."

My DC aged eight and ten, would be exactly like that if they were allowed to be. I pick them up every time they start misbehaving at the table and it is bloody tedious, because they try it on all the time. It is not allowed to escalate though, so I will tell them to stop the moment they start kicking the table, or sitting stupidly or rocking the chair or whatever, but they still do it All. the. Time. Every meal I will say “sit properly”, “use your cutlery” etc four or five times.

Some things that help a bit - they like eating with us but I have told them that eating with them is not an enjoyable process for us when they behave like they do, so a few times have shown them the consequences are them eating separately from the adults for a few days in a row.. I have separated them so they eat separately from each other on occasion. And there is definitely no dessert for them if the misbehaviour is constant, and if it is really bad they would lose screen time.

Sounds like you and your oh need to draw up some rules, and talk it through with the kids before eating.
Lots of praise and recognition for getting it right.
But banging cutlery and throwing food? No way.

I'd decide what rules there should be at the table between you are your dh.
Eg toilet before you sit down
Ask before you leave the table
Will they loose their pudding if they do etc
If it's clear, then there's no need for negotiation.
I'm a childminder with 4 under 5. They sit nicely and eat.

In my opinion, the only common bits are "They will moan that they don't like the food, that they won't eat any more." And "If their dad tells them no they need to finish that piece of food before they can have pudding etc they will turn it in to a negotiation."

With regards to the first point, kids can be annoyingly fickle. What they happily ate last week becomes something that they claim that they'd never eat again. Or it's unfamiliar so they treat it with suspicion and not eat it

The second thing is because their Dad is/has been a pushover and has accepted a deal in the past. Is Dad good at discipline outside of mealtime?

My DP initially were like animals at the table ... I couldn't face one of the DC at the table due to their manners .... however Years down the roads and lots of family meals together the DC have got better.

Boundaries boundaries and more boundaries... good luck!

What bevbrook said down to a T.

I hate meal times but I will not back down. Tea last night was macaroni cheese with bacon and petit pois. Dss 8yrs informed me it was horrific. (How very nice of him right?) it took an hour and a half to eat. Similar story with tonight’s meal of beef stew, roasties and veg. To be fair grandad and dad backed me up today too so it only took about an hour 😬

Tricks they use that I’m now wise to

Going to the toilet and flushing food ( have to show empty mouth, hands and pockets now)

Wanting to be made to eat in the kitchen away from the others if they mess about, then they hide the food in the dog (Not a chance now I’ve rumbled that one)

Dropping food ‘by accident’ onto the floor
(I clean the floor before each meal now so if it drops there they can still eat it)

Repeatedly using fingers to eat their food with (ages 8 and 10!!!!) so I sit and repeat myself numerous times per meal the correct way to use knife and fork.

These are just some little tricks they use...
I will not back down... they will not beat me!! 😩

I fucking hate being a step parent!!

That’s the thing, even if they behave it seems to require constant telling off and watching them like a hawk. Not exactly relaxing. Plus it lasts for YEARS. I don’t anticipate truly enjoying mealtimes for the next 5 years at least. Probably not even 10.

Mine argue when granny is there, they compete. Sadly two out of three are in their mid 20s now and it is still going on. If it is just the Family and particularly if only 2 out of 3 young are present the bickering goes. Are the DSC competing for their Dad's attention with you?Luckily mine all like food so we have never had moaning about that.. I ignore complaints about food in any case and just provide. If you don't like courgettes eat the tomatoes and leave what you don't want. The menu isn't a question for discussion here.
Try not to get cross and just press on trying to make the meal and the conversation at the table enjoyable. When they are older they will have forgotten strife and remember your table with fondness.my DC like to have new recipes interspersed with favourite staples eg sausages and mash, roast chicken, pasta with tomato sauce etc. Again, these are now treasured memories, can you find favourites for the DSc for one of the weekend nights to make it a tradition?
I really feel for you, it's a situation that is being imposed upon you about which you have very little control.Work with DH as it will be nicer for him and for the DSC if meals can be improved. No reason at all why rules should be the same at their DM's house. All children learn to adapt.

Is it step kids that are so hard to feed or own kids too please? I'm a bit taken aback by the pp not enjoying meals for 10 years!

Have only child , 7. Behaves perfectly in restaurants as has been taken out since she was a toddler. At home, for the last year or so family mealtimes are such a disappointment. Whatever I cook she’s moaning about how she hates it. Constantly interrupts the conversation, wriggling around, sitting in the chair the wrong way, i hate that we spend mealtimes correcting her behaviour instead of enjoying the time eating together . I realised the constant correction seemed to make it worse . Trying distraction techniques now, like talking about things she is interested I . Sometimes we have played a game at the table , playing characters or doing stories to keep her focussed.

This is not normal in my experience. DD6 will sit and eat at the table without any fuss. Eats the same food as we do - only difference being that we might cut up some of her meat and go easy on sauces.
We use mealtimes as a chance to catch up on our days including DD6. Mealtimes should be good family time as was my experience growing up.

If my daughter behaved like the children described, she would be sent to bed without dinner. And this would be continued until behaviour improved.

No, I don't think it's especially normal. I have a 6yo and he is (always, not just at the table) more fidgety than I would like, and occasionally needs reminders to use his cutlery and chew with his mouth closed, but nothing on that scale.

Two thoughts

• is this how they generally behave anyway, or is it specifically mealtimes that you need to work on as a family?
• all behaviour is communication, so what are they telling you?

As a pp said, it sounds like attention seeking. It also sounds like it's become a bit of a power struggle (e.g. the point about them leaving the table when they've been specifically told not to) and probably also a habit/downward spiral of behaviour, which id look to reset in collaboration rather than through simply ramping up the strictness. Sure, have clear expectations for their behaviour and consistently apply them, but my experience is that I get better results if I engage DS in the 'here is the problem, how can we make it better?' conversation. Because then those behavioural expectations have credibility for him and he isn't nursing a sense of unfairness.

@cookie4640 - I hope I read you wrong, you're not saying you force the children to eat something they don't want to, are you? I would be furious if my DC was throwing food into the toilet or feeding it to the dog etc, but they definitely are welcome to leave it on their plate if they don't want it or don't like it. They just know that I'm not providing an alternative, and that "I don't like it" is ok but "yuck" and so on is rude and not ok. I know so many adults with horrible stories about being made to eat things they really didn't want or like, horrible horrible thing to do to a child.

Sending kids to bed with no dinner doesn’t always work though. Mine are not bothered when I do that (so I’ve stopped as it’s pointless). The whole thing is that they don’t want to sit nicely at the table (DC2) and don’t want to eat anything that isn’t plain pasta or junk food (DC1). So being removed from a boring family meal with food they don’t like is absolutely fine with them.

Nell this is where I struggle. If all behaviour is communication, they are telling me they do not want to sit still, like to argue with each other, do not like the food (DC1) etc. etc.

Keeping them engaged does work at times and we can have some ‘nice’ mealtimes but is by no means relaxing and is constant work. Without that then we get the behaviour in the OP.

cookie4640 If I understood correctly you are forcing your DSC to eat? For an hr and a half? Off the floor? Checking their pockets? Fucking hell women!!!! If that's true irs borderline abusive..8 and 10 year olds too...why are you forcing them like that?????? If they don't want it they shouldn't have to!!! Granted don't give them anything else..

It's not about being a step parent! Its about being a control freak..My parents never forced me but I had one aunt that did..She was fucking crazy about it..I remamber eating and crying over food I hated..and throwing up afterwards..I only spend couple of holidays with her and her children and it was traumatic. If I was your SC I would hate you..why is your DH allowing it..

No not normal. Try being more organised. Warn them just ahead that dinner will be ready in 5 minutes so toilet, hands, finish game etc. Have it ready on the table when they sit down. If they start to fidget warn them the meal will be finished if they get down and take it away if they do. Then no dessert/ food until next meal. Above all their father needs to be on board to reinforce it. Do you involve them in choice and preparation of meals?

Do you engage with the children at meal times?

Mine are almost identical,and whilst I have to remind the nearly 6 y.o to eat with her mouth closed, we never have the other behaviour.

If they don’t like something, which is rare as I save meals they don’t like for week nights when we don’t eat together, they just leave it and eat around it,

But we’ve always had explicit expectations of behaviour at all meal times, and in general too. So they know how to behave.

No it is not normal. I have a Dd who is being assessed for possible autism and she struggles to stay still. But by god she struggles and try’s her best because that’s what is expected and she can often pull it off. Sometimes she needs a visual prompt in front of her to help her.
My point is that with the exception of additional needs children should sit at the table and enjoy mealtime. Are they showing of/pushing boundaries because you are there, or is this poor behaviour just a habit?
How do they behave in a cafe or restaurant?

Good point from pp. involving kids in the meal prep really makes my DD appreciate the food we make. She helps and sets the table for us. There are no surprises when the food is served and we serve meals that are both healthy and not too boring. Like making a fresh Pizza, tacos etc.

my DD wouldn't be able to visit friends houses for dinner if I thought there would be bad behaviour. Eating properly is really important IMO. I feel for you OP, stressful meals can't be any fun. Work together with your family to try and improve things.

Wow cookie, I imagine your step children hate you being a step mum too. If I found out you were doing this to my children you would never see them again.

You are abusive and have no business being in a position of authority over anyone.

If that's true it's borderline abusive.

No borderline about it it is absolutely abusive. I feel sick to my stomach.

When I was growing up, the contrast between meals with my mum and dad house was huge. My mum saw meal times as our 'time together' and a time for fun. She always made sure to cook things I didn't hate and very much enjoy most the time and we spent the entire time talking together. I always looked forward to dinner with her.

At my dads, it was a case of eating what's on your plate with often things I really hated (fish), and conversation, beside the one of two questions was between my dad and SM expect to tell us off for one thing or another. My half-sister was for not eating all the food on her plate, me for my bad manners.

We wouldn't have dared misbehave like your SC OP, but it's only many years later that I realised the impact it had on me in that I hate family dinners and indeed, much rather eat on my own which I do as often as I can.

So yes, kids should be behaving and told off if they don't, but meals is not just about a relaxing time for adults to enjoy, but should be made to be for the kids too.

My DC are the same age and nope, they don’t behave like that. DNeph also the same age, and he does make a huge mess when eating but he’s disabled (nerve and muscle issue, means he has numb palms and struggles to use his fingers properly sometimes) so totally different kettle of fish with DNeph.

ExDSS was a few years older than my two and his table manners were non existen, always complained about whatever I made even though he was given a choice of what he wanted (very fussy eater). ExH Disney Dad so didn’t give a fuck, ExDSS only behaved when Granny or Aunties were here (because they did pull him up on it!). Frustrating all round.

I think you need to try and break the cycle and make meal times more positive for all of you, rather than laying down the law.

The thing that has really transformed meal times in our house is putting the food in serving dishes on the table (rather than plating up in the kitchen). The kids can then serve themselves what they want. The rule is they don’t have to eat anything they don’t want to but they don’t complain about what’s on offer, so, if they don’t want peas they don’t serve themselves peas but they aren’t allowed to go on about how “yucky” anything is. (There also aren’t any alternatives offered, although I do make sure I always serve at least one thing I know they like so they won’t starve, even if that’s just bread). They try loads more foods than they used to because they’re under less pressure and it stops mealtimes descending into a battle of wills.

I agree re getting them involved in the food prep too and I definitely also agree re putting them front and centre of the conversation too. Maybe playing words games etc so they start to think of meal times as fun?