How much can the other parent dictate in the name of "routine".

[WhippinPiccadilly1]

I'll try to keep this short, but it won't be easy!

Boyfriend has a 14 month old. Not with her mother at the time of birth. He's been involved with her from day one, despite a lot of resistance from her mum. Her mum physically attacked him while holding her a few months ago, leading to him having to go to court because she wanted full control of all aspects of their daughter. To give you some examples, he wasn't allowed to feed, change, or soothe her. He wasn't allowed to cuddle her. Nor put her down for naps. He was allowed to watch her, and play with her.

So, he's now at the point of court orders. He has her 3 times a week, currently at 4 hours. It will be rising to 50/50.

He instigated a contact book, which was for important child centred information only. He asked for details of her doctor, health visitor, any medication she was on, and any concerns regarding her health or development that he wasn't already aware of. All that was refused.

The book has now been used approximately 9 times. Every single time the control side is worsening. Examples are: needing to know exactly what she has eaten, and quantities, telling him not to bath her because it's her routine to do it at bedtime (she had been sick and mum knew it!), telling him he must use a cover all bib and a highchair to feed her as that's her "routine", must use a forward facing car seat because that's what she has at home. Insisting he use papmers nappies, asda baby wipes, a chemist only brand of nappy cream...

I could go on. He is stuck in the crossfire of what is reasonable. He is concerned the court may feel he doesn't have her best interests at heart of he goes against any of mum's orders.

I have my own opinion, but I keep it to myself. I'm interested to hear others opinions on where the lines should be drawn, and how others have dealt with this kind of thing.

Why does no one know of your involvement with the father? It wouldn't make any difference if he's going through court anyway except they'd probably want to do background checks on you as well. It won't be long before the child is talking and if your partner gets caught out lying it will look like you are trying to hide something.

God I have a 2 year old...can't imagine having him 50% only..My DH while having a strong bond with him would handle less contact better..My DS always wants me first..
14 months is too young for 50/50..How can that girl form proper attachments with such a start in life I don't know...

How long have you been seeing this bloke?
I'd be fuming if I found out my ex was seeing someone and who was involved in looking after my very small child and was privy to the section 7 report etc. My children were 4 and 5 when my husband left and involved the OW in their lives unbeknownst to me as I didn't even know he was seeing anyone. Once I did know he involved her more and more. My daughter was very distressed and the judge ruled that contact had to be without the OW there. I would personally hate a 50/50 arrangement and having seen the effects in my last relationship I would never want that for my children. Luckily my ex-h has eleventh billion kids with his OW so he can't actually have them 50/50 anyway.

Literary I believe only a few months but was ahem strongly voicing her opinions even before they were together.

Her mum physically attacked him while holding her a few months ago, leading to him having to go to court because she wanted full control of all aspects of their daughter.

I’d be going for more than 50/50. This is worrying far more than type of nappies. All babies have a routine which is fair enough. But violence? No.