Is my new man too devoted to darling daughter?

[Allergictochildrenandhousework]

Hello, this is my first post. Please be gentle!

A man I had a crush on for over a year in a workplace and I finally found out we felt the same. We have gone out three times and exchanged a number of emails etc over one month.

I am 45 and he is 65. I saw the person, or what I knew of the person, and he is 'my type' physically (just older).

This is not something I've done before. I have no children from choice and he has a daughter turning 20 this year. The more I hear, the more panic is setting in. I welcome any advice or comments if you can relate or empathise with me.

He became single nearly 5 months ago when the woman he lived with for 20 years in her house (the mother of this 'child') locked him out. He quickly started renting for himself and his daughter (she also still lives with the mother in her house) and is about to move into the flat he bought about a month ago - same arrangement.

Both flats are less than a 5 minute walk from the old house so the daughter can stroll between the two.

On our second date in a fortnight, daughter sent two texts (after a phone call) within 20 minutes to tell him again to come home - after that I left. He has told me he has told her not to do it again but doesn't get why it upset me and made excuses etc.

The daughter stays in his house for most of the weekends in her room with her boyfriend drinking etc, goes out drinking until the early hours and sometimes he joins her drinking (despite telling me he, like me, was a non-drinker).

He also admits that no boundaries were ever set with her growing up because her mother wouldn't allow it. She is at university despite him saying she never studied and hasn't done much so far. She is their only child.

He runs into the ex at the local pool all the time and seems determined to stay 'local' all based around the daughter's 'plans' but says 'she might go off to university'.....

I never thought I'd find myself in the middle of any of this.

I assumed his kids would be living independently just like him and older, so he could relocate, travel, which are long-held plans of mine.

He is very keen on me but I'm getting very anxious.

Do I give it time or get out now?

You fantasised about this relationship for a year.
However you have only been on three real life dates and it's not living up to the fantasy.
You've built it up to something it isn't.
He has a DD who is a big part of his life which doesn't suit you.

You seem to have an over inflated sense of your own importance based on your posts.
You aren't 'in the middle' of anything. This is a man whose child takes priority over someone who had a crush on him and has had a handful of dates. There is no question about it. Why on earth would you or any other woman coming along, suddenly change any of his long terms plans such as where he lives or whether he wants to go travelling?

No I wouldn’t be having a relationship with this man OP. He’s embroiled in being the ‘best friend’ if his daughter after a recent and acrimonious split, he needs beyond anything to prove to himself that he’s a great father.

She will not like you in her set up with her Dad, as it is not conducive to him in a relationship. You will have to be the one to set boundaries, and they will dislike you for it.

If you still want to be with him, then what about keeping it light and having weekends away? But expect nothing deeper for a long time.

None of this sounds ok! I would just walk away from it OP.
Not being mean but he is a bit old for you as well.

It's odd that you've put this thread in "Step Parenting". I think you need to be realistic. Aside from the fact that it's very early days in the relationship, I don't think you'll ever be playing the role of step mother to his 20 year old daughter.
In an ideal world, you would accept her as a big part of his life and become friends. You would never have a parenting role.

As pps have said, you're overanalysing and jumping to assumptions about a man you barely know.

3 dates in and way too much drama in your head OP. So if you enjoy this drama (and I think you do), crack on.

If you are looking for no ties I don’t think he is the one for you op. His daughter might still live with him for a while, I am 26 and only just recently moved out of my family home. Before then I lived at home with my parents and my daughter!

"Who's to say that I wouldn't be suited to having a relationship with someone whose 'child' (young adult or older) is mature in outlook? "

Because however "mature" their outlook, whatever their age there are times that they still need support from their parents. Relationship breakdown, pregnancy, money worries, ill health, their children's health...

I'm almost 46, my brother is 43, my sister is 41 - we still look to our parents for support at difficult times. They still worry about us. There's a thread elsewhere (fairly lighthearted) about how parents still do things like check if you're eating properly, dress warm enough, use sharp knives safely even when the "child" is in their 40's/50's with grown DC of their own! You never stop worrying about your kids, they never stop being your priority.

My dd is 17 working full time. I can't see me caring less for her in 10 or even 20 years time.

Then there's being a grandparent. Which while not as involved as being a parent has similar elements.

"By the way, I don't class someone of his daughter's age as a child. She's a young adult in my humble opinion and it was completely reasonable for me to abandon the evening after the second text came through. I'd do it again and all my friends support my reaction." A VERY young adult dealing with a trauma! Read the relationship boards - even adults in their 30's/40's/50's are still really struggling to get a handle on things LESS THAN 6 MONTHS after a relationship breakdown. Do your friends have children? In addition - whether "true" or not - he's likely feeling guilty for the relationship with her mother breaking down - that's normal. It's also going to be naturally hard for the daughter to get her head round EITHER of her parents dating other people.

You clearly have no understanding or appreciation of how most parents feel about even their adult children. What's your relationship with your parents like?

Other men being attracted to you is irrelevant, it's YOUR expectations of attention within a relationship that are concerning. You've only been on a few dates yet you're already expecting to be this mans No 1 priority.

1 it's WAY to soon to expect to be a priority at all

2 you'll NEVER be the top priority with someone with children. I really don't think that's something you can get your head round.

"All of your posts just seem very "me me me me me" which is not going to work if you were to enter a relationship with a man who has children." Yep gotta agree.

You don't know anywhere NEAR enough about a person you've never even met about if their boundaries are ok.

For all you know he pre-arranged her texting so he could leave if the date wasn't going well!

"Perhaps you were a "daddy's girl" and want that dynamic in a relationship. That would explain your immediate dislike for his daughter. You want to be the centre of his world but in fact she is. Therefore she's a threat." Agree with this too.

I have no issue with age gap relationships per se, a few friends are in them BUT it's the reason WHY you're in it makes the difference.

In the case of my friends it's more they're very compatible with their spouse/partner for a variety of reasons the age gap is more a coincidence. I get the feeling with you, that you actively seek older men possibly due to wanting a certain type of relationship.

This is bonkers, it's been three dates. Your not really compatible for many reasons, nobody needs to be at fault and your opinions of his dd's upbringing could be spot on or way off-three dates is nowhere near enough to have a clue.

Three dates in should be butterflies and romance, not-I think he's lying to me.

He's been separated from the mother of his child and someone he was with for 20 years for 5 months, it's way too soon. And I wouldn't ever want to be too far away from my child, unless it was her choice.

Sometimes what we expect a relationship to be just doesn't work out, you just have to accept it. I fancied a guy for a year or so, we had a purely physical relationship for a while and decided to give things ago. Date number 1 it was clear we have little in common and different values

I think, if you hadn't spent time fantasising about a relationship with this man, you'd have broken up with him already. It's the lying I couldn't take, especially about something as crucial as having a daughter who was semi-living with him.

The difficulties with his daughter are secondary, really. Totally understandable. But not lying about it. How will you ever be able to believe what he says? He'll lie to keep you sweet, only tell you what he thinks you want to hear.

You need to be able to trust him absolutely to contemplate a future with this man, with all the problems that are likely to arise with his daughter and his ex. And you can't. Sorry. It's sad that you've been disappointed, but he is not who you thought he was. Good to find out now, than later.

Get out before it's too late!

I can easily imagine someone saying "I'm not a drinker" while knowing it's not exactly the truth but thinking it's all fine and never believing themself to be a liar.

We can't tell if this man is a suitable man-friend for you, or anyone else.
We can tell that you are not happy with him and have difficulty seeing yourself involved in his life.
So it sounds like you should abandon the fantasy and forget him.