Is my new man too devoted to darling daughter?

[Allergictochildrenandhousework]

Hello, this is my first post. Please be gentle!

A man I had a crush on for over a year in a workplace and I finally found out we felt the same. We have gone out three times and exchanged a number of emails etc over one month.

I am 45 and he is 65. I saw the person, or what I knew of the person, and he is 'my type' physically (just older).

This is not something I've done before. I have no children from choice and he has a daughter turning 20 this year. The more I hear, the more panic is setting in. I welcome any advice or comments if you can relate or empathise with me.

He became single nearly 5 months ago when the woman he lived with for 20 years in her house (the mother of this 'child') locked him out. He quickly started renting for himself and his daughter (she also still lives with the mother in her house) and is about to move into the flat he bought about a month ago - same arrangement.

Both flats are less than a 5 minute walk from the old house so the daughter can stroll between the two.

On our second date in a fortnight, daughter sent two texts (after a phone call) within 20 minutes to tell him again to come home - after that I left. He has told me he has told her not to do it again but doesn't get why it upset me and made excuses etc.

The daughter stays in his house for most of the weekends in her room with her boyfriend drinking etc, goes out drinking until the early hours and sometimes he joins her drinking (despite telling me he, like me, was a non-drinker).

He also admits that no boundaries were ever set with her growing up because her mother wouldn't allow it. She is at university despite him saying she never studied and hasn't done much so far. She is their only child.

He runs into the ex at the local pool all the time and seems determined to stay 'local' all based around the daughter's 'plans' but says 'she might go off to university'.....

I never thought I'd find myself in the middle of any of this.

I assumed his kids would be living independently just like him and older, so he could relocate, travel, which are long-held plans of mine.

He is very keen on me but I'm getting very anxious.

Do I give it time or get out now?

I’d chuck him back. He sounds desperate not “keen”. I’m CFBC and would never take on a guy with children.

If you think this interaction has legs then stay friends and see how he is after a year.

I think if you’ve had a workplace crush on him for a while it’s easy to have a “fantasy” in your head about how he is out of work (especially if he’s been in a superior position to you - you expect someone who is all competent and powerful and trustworthy and sorted at work to be the same out of his suit)

But often the workplace fantasy doesn’t match the reality.

Just curious, but was there any overlap/ connection between you admitting your crush on him and him breaking up with his ex?

gooseygoosegoose - it is my business that he told me he was a non-drinker on our first date because I want someone I can trust. That's a separate issue from whether I'm looking for someone with that in common or if I'm OK with someone having a drink from time to time, which I am. I just think he's already drunk more than anyone who tells a woman 'I'm a non-drinker' should because it's just not true.

You've asked two different questions which have very different answers. Is he 'too devoted' to his daughter? No, of course not. Should you give it time or get out now? Get out now.

Lehewa - he was definitely not in a superior position in the workplace. We were in a completely equal relationship to each other.

I do have a tendency to build someone up in my mind and that built up over the year when I felt it was 'inappropriate' and 'inconvenient' with everything I do in my life. I kept that in mind when I went on the first date - a friend also reminded me to go in with an open mind and respond to the person I found him to be.

The first date was almost perfect.

The truth is he isn't quite the person I'd hoped, imagined, fantasised he would be. He has a lot of good qualities but he has said things that have disappointed me separate from the reality of his life.

A friend has also described him as 'desperate' based on a comment of his that I repeated.

I have had this little suspicion in the back of my mind from early on that rather than it being completely about me, there is an element of loneliness to his eagerness. That's not flattering or interesting to me at all. He's really a nice guy overall, he can be very charming and considerate and he's quite good looking.

I had no idea that he had split up with anyone or even if he was in a relationship at the time I admitted the crush, which was at the end of February 2018 and the split was at the end of October 2017 - according to him, to the very day.

The problem is you. You are way too invested in this relationship too early on. Probably because you had a crush on him for some time, it felt like you'd won the lottery when he asked you out, but the truth is that you are not in the middle of anything, you are on the side and trying to get in the middle. For all you know, he is using you to 'prove' to his ex that he can move on and that someone else, younger too, finds him attractive.

Getting with someone older, who has just come out of a 20 year relationship, is a red herring from the start, but to get as emotionally invested in it after only one month as your posts are showing is a very slippery road. Getting upset to the point of leaving your date just because his daughter called and sent two texts is complete over-reaction.

You should take a step out. Go and meet with him for coffee or a meal if you want, but don't start imagining yourself sharing your life with him, you are miles away from this.

Allergic,
When I was 20-odd I very much considered my parents home my home. I don’t think you can expect his daughter to ship out anytime soon. Especially given the recent split between her parents.
She needs and deserves to feel welcome at home. She is millennial which means that some of her ways will be much different to yours and mind (I’m a similar age to you). That doesn’t make them wrong though.
It must be so weird to her that her dad is dating. Nothing about her behaviour seems really unusual given the situation and her upbringing. I think that the person that will have to adapt in this situation is you. If you choose to continue.

"For all you know, he is using you to 'prove' to his ex that he can move on and that someone else, younger too, finds him attractive." That exact thought has been bothering me for some time because of some of his actions, including trying to get me over to his flat so soon and to the pool. I will respond to the rest of your post but won't be back online for at least a few hours.

Thank you very much everyone who has offered comments. It's been really helpful. I'm getting towards a decision. Anyone else please feel free to add more to the discussion because other points of view even when you disagree for all kinds of reasons are always so useful. Have a great day everyone.

However I was raised with firm boundaries unlike her. I have a lot of respect for those boundaries and the difference they can make

Oh dear my heart sinks when non-patents make comments like this. Especially when you had such a strict upbringing.

You’re not compatible - you’re never going to understand his relationship with his daughter. You sound very uptight about other people drinking (my husband doesn’t drink - he never comments on me drinking). It’s very early days - if there’s this much bothering you this early on it’s just not going to work.

There is a difference between ‘I am teetotal’ and ‘I am not a drinker’.

He sounds as if he is reeling from the break up, and hasn’t found how to ‘be’ as a father to his Dd away from the family unit, she probably the same.

You sound quite hard work , measuring and analysing him against your every expectation, and a bit overwrought with it all, He’s a guy you have had 4 dates with. You shouldn’t be up all night stewing. (Though Maybe you work nights)

If it’s not working, if you are not looking forward to tne next date, to seeing him, havjng fun, knock it on tne head. If you are looking forward to it, relax and see what happens next instead of second guessing his life.

He might be a bit desperate. In all honesty, might you feel the same?

What is your relationship history OP? Are you divorced? Recently out of s relationship? Or have you been single for a long time?

I think our histories can affect the way we approach new relationships.

Hi OP, I've read the thread, please ditch this guy, for the simple reason, he is a stinking liar !
You deserve far better, and will never make a silk purse from a pigs ear.

This is a very new relationship - so you shouldn't have much invested, so it should be easy to bin.

He has only very recently split from a long term partner.
He has already lied to you (drink, minimising family). He may have lied to you more - yes all that "we never hugged or kissed except to conceive our daughter" - sounds like a massive lie AND a red flag.

Now yes your attitude to alcohol might be unusual, but if it's important to you then it's important to you. Just as if it might be important to "Barbara" to only date a Catholic, although dating a non Catholic might be no issue for me; but someone pretending to be a Catholic just to get Barbara to date them would be extremely worrying.

So I'd dump him now. this should be the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship but there are already warning bells ringing.

The truth is he isn't quite the person I'd hoped, imagined, fantasised he would be. He has a lot of good qualities but he has said things that have disappointed me separate from the reality of his life.

This paragraph from your earlier post tells you everything you need to know. You're 3 dates in to this 'relationship' and it's significantly easier to walk away now than to invest more of yourself and then find that you've made it fit.

Just to add OP, my dad had an affair at exactly the same age than this man with a women 20 years younger than you. He was with her for 6 months. Somehow, my SM agreed to take him back and amazingly, 10 years on they are very happy together.

The point is that my dad was infatuated not with her as a person (indeed, they had nothing in common at all) but with the way she was making him feel, ie. a last chance of feeling that he really wasn't entering old age. He still felt young at heart, was still active and sharing this with her made him go back to what he had with his wife 20 years earlier.

When the relationship ended, and he fell into depression, it wasn't because he missed her but he missed that sense of youth. When he psychologically accepted that he was retired and entering life as such, he was absolutely fine.

Just to say OP that what I get from what you are writing about this man is exactly why he has chosen you so quickly after deciding to live his long term partner. Has he actually told you why they separated (not that you can trust he would be fully honest).

I agree with several of the points already made. This man doesn't sound too attached to his daughter at all, but some of the other points that you raise are of concern. In particular, his lack of honesty and whether the reality of this relationship can live up to the fantasy (for either of you).

Goodness OP you do sound somewhat intense, serious and as others said over invested plus add in a dislike to his daughter. Definitely not compatible.

My ds1 is 20 & i still 'parent' him a fair bit. He is also at uni, despite not beimg a natural academic and is doing well.
I think you are coming into her life at possibly one of the worst periods of her life (her parents splitting). I think maybe be prepared to learn about what it's like to have young adult children rather than having strong ideas about how it 'should' be. You may be right about all of the above, but you don't know that yet.

It's natural for a dad to want to support his daughter and be in his life so soon after the split. They are probably still all coming to terms with the new situation.

How did he respond when the daughter texted during the meal. Did he immediately rush to her? Did he text back saying he couldn't talk now and will call later? Was she trying to scupper the date? During the date he should have prioritised you (unless DD had medical needs/emergency obviously).

I think perhaps he isn't ready for the committed relationship you are seeking. He is still invested his family, and you are wanting a a man free of responsibilities.

There's no such thing as "too devoted" to your children. Your title, calling her his "darling daughter", sounds horribly sarcastic and bitter. It's really not your place to judge her or their relationship. You don't sound like someone who should get involved with anybody with children, and also sound very needy and judgemental in the way you are analysing his life in this detail after a few dates. I think it would be best if you leave them be.

OP it does sound like he was lying about drinking. After reading your update, I would take back what I said.

I guess I was thinking of my friends who don't drink, as in, they go for months without drinking, and never think about alcohol, but might have a drink on a whim occasionally. In my experience, people who don't EVER drink, have a bit more of an issue. There is nothing sad about any of this though, nothing to be sorry about; I was just pointing out that "don't drink" might mean drink very rarely, so he might not be lying.

You do use a lot of very critical and even sneery language about his daughter and about their relationship. That is how it comes across, starting with "darling daughter". I think you don't really want a relationship with him at the moment.

I should have said starting with the user name you chose...

I think you are right to have concerns. He hasn't been straight with you and the daughter hasn't been given boundaries (from what he says) - doesn't look good.
He is too early on in the split of his own relationship to know exactly what he wants....and it looks as though he doesn't share some of your own interests, like wanting to spend the future travelling etc.

I have been through a split myself and my children were younger; but they were certainly more 'adult' than how this daughter is described. So yes, I think this man is too invested in this only child and is going to be at the beck and call of a daughter who can have both parents running....
I can't see this working at all....

Sounds like his DD is a mini wife...Wanting to drink with dad at 20, interrupting his dates..He has already been dishonest...I would RUN!

I also think it's ironic that you're saying his daughter has no boundaries but you think it's appropriate for you to be involving yourself in the dynamics of a father/ daughter relationship between two people who are virtually strangers to you.

'Mini wife'? For texting/having a gin with her dad? God, how weird do you have to be to even thing like that