Is my new man too devoted to darling daughter?

[Allergictochildrenandhousework]

Hello, this is my first post. Please be gentle!

A man I had a crush on for over a year in a workplace and I finally found out we felt the same. We have gone out three times and exchanged a number of emails etc over one month.

I am 45 and he is 65. I saw the person, or what I knew of the person, and he is 'my type' physically (just older).

This is not something I've done before. I have no children from choice and he has a daughter turning 20 this year. The more I hear, the more panic is setting in. I welcome any advice or comments if you can relate or empathise with me.

He became single nearly 5 months ago when the woman he lived with for 20 years in her house (the mother of this 'child') locked him out. He quickly started renting for himself and his daughter (she also still lives with the mother in her house) and is about to move into the flat he bought about a month ago - same arrangement.

Both flats are less than a 5 minute walk from the old house so the daughter can stroll between the two.

On our second date in a fortnight, daughter sent two texts (after a phone call) within 20 minutes to tell him again to come home - after that I left. He has told me he has told her not to do it again but doesn't get why it upset me and made excuses etc.

The daughter stays in his house for most of the weekends in her room with her boyfriend drinking etc, goes out drinking until the early hours and sometimes he joins her drinking (despite telling me he, like me, was a non-drinker).

He also admits that no boundaries were ever set with her growing up because her mother wouldn't allow it. She is at university despite him saying she never studied and hasn't done much so far. She is their only child.

He runs into the ex at the local pool all the time and seems determined to stay 'local' all based around the daughter's 'plans' but says 'she might go off to university'.....

I never thought I'd find myself in the middle of any of this.

I assumed his kids would be living independently just like him and older, so he could relocate, travel, which are long-held plans of mine.

He is very keen on me but I'm getting very anxious.

Do I give it time or get out now?

There is more in OP posts than texting and having gin. He sounds overly invested and she sounds overly dependant and demanding of dads time. OP has picked up on the wierd dynamic already and is quite rightly questioning it..RUN OP..

ps. Don't buy his BS that its all EXes fault for not setting boundaries..he hasn't set any either

End this.

He's not over his ex, you aren't suited to dating anyone with children (whatever their age).

In addition you work together so the longer you date the worse it'll be when you split which will make things worse at work.

It's very unfair to say she's not suited to dating anyone with children, whatever their age. Who the hell WOULD be suited to a daughter who stays locked in her room drinking gin? The fact he does this with her would make me leave him.

It's the age that worries me, though. Where's this going to go? When you are his age he'll be 85. That'll be great for him to have you there as his carer. You won't have had any of the benefits of him being older than you at all.

He's not suited to you, OP. Don't go on a fourth date.

It's very unfair to say she's not suited to dating anyone with children

Really? Despite the clear resentment of and sneery language about this daughter whom she has never even met, and a username that explicitly states that she dislikes children?

Well, your username says you're a semi-conscious robot and nobody's asking you questions about that!

But she's not suited to dating anyone with children. She's not even been dating him a month, the daughter is less than 6 months in to dealing with her parents breaking up and she's expecting to be prioritised above his child - I wouldn't do that for anyone.

Add the username and I'd say it's fairly obvious.

But I haven't posted asking whether I pass for a fully conscious human.

The daughter is 20, hardly a child. It's not ubreasonable of OP to expect an undisturbed date.

20 year old should be planning start of an independent life.

I agree with everyone else, you don't seem suited, best to nip it in the bud.

I think if you leave it a year to find out how it pans out for him (whilst staying loosely in touch) you’ll probably be glad you didn’t get heavily involved too soon!

Personally I find fit older men very attractive and have dated older - it’s the maturity and the courtesy and attentiveness. And I’d always physically go for rugged craggy looks over pretty boy ones.

But I think after a while they’ve often come across as a bit controlling and desperate and not really seeing me as a “person” with my own tastes and needs and preferences (eg the drinking thing sounds very familiar - it’s like they don’t really acknowledge I have any feelings or opinions or judgement and are happy to lie blatantly - because I’m not an equal, just “young woman” to them)

I would say that what you want in life and are looking for and want to do (relocating, travelling etc) and given that he has a daughter, albeit an adult one, he is obviously a good Dad to that you are utterly incompatible.

IMO you should probably stick with other 'childfree by choice' partners who have the freedom, independence, and lack of responsibility you have and enjoy doing the things you want to do.

swingofthings - what you're describing about your dad and the younger woman and how he went back to your stepmum is the trap that any woman attracted to an older man should step very carefully around for one reason - falling in is the most likely outcome.

I fully appreciate that and I appreciate you sharing your experience.

But there are always exceptions. That makes getting involved with an older man a bit like having an affair - not that I've ever had one, am likely to have one, have been the victim of one or would ever endorse them. But I wouldn't judge every single person who has had an affair without knowing their story. Some marriages die horribly and people don't always know what to do.

The point I'm making is everyone says "it always ends in tears" but they're not always right.

It's just not always easy to see through what people say into what they mean and want.

Maybe that fear and uncertainty is what's making me do what a number of people here describe as 'overinvolve' myself or 'forwardplan'.

I am scared of what I'm risking and what I'm letting into my life.

His ex ended it, according to him. He came home one evening to find the locks had all been changed and she was very, very spiteful - cruel, really - then and later. She seems to despise him.

Do I believe him, given the doubts I have about other things I've been told? From the way he talks about this issue, the body language etc, I'm quite confident he's being honest about this. He really seems to regret the relationship.

I've asked him what he knows or thinks is the reason she ended it and with such spite and it seems to be a slow disintegration of her feelings for him, replaced by complacency and contempt for him over a long time. I asked him straight out if he had an affair and he was very direct in saying there was no other woman.

That's my best take on it to date from hearing only one side of the story.

I've also asked him how much of a factor my age is in the attraction and to list things about me that he found attractive and I felt it was more likely he was being honest than not.

You’ve been on three dates! What exactly are you risking?!

SemiConsciousRobot - I don't recognise in myself any of the criticisms you're directing at me.

I don't dislike children. Only a very unkind person would feel like that and people who know me would tell me you that I'm a very kind person (and person with a good sense of humour who isn't always 'serious', 'intense' etc). I'm just don't have any interest in raising them - mine or anyone else's. Maybe you're not interested in growing flowers or stroking mice. I wouldn't judge you for that.

I don't dislike her. I've never met her. I only know what I think about how she's been raised, as I've said before, and he was initially moaning about the lifestyle choices that it seems to have led to - not me. Back in the adult world, we are allowed to have an opinion....

Who's to say that I wouldn't be suited to having a relationship with someone whose 'child' (young adult or older) is mature in outlook?

By the way, I don't class someone of his daughter's age as a child. She's a young adult in my humble opinion and it was completely reasonable for me to abandon the evening after the second text came through. I'd do it again and all my friends support my reaction.

He knows how I feel, has told me he's dealt with it and it won't happen again. For me, it's in the past now and I don't want to go on about it. And for that reason, Whitecat and MyBrilliant Disguise - thanks for your supportive comments and yes, I do have concerns about the age difference as we get older, if we exist as a couple by then!

Graphista - he and I don't work together now.

TammyWhyNot - no, I don't feel the slightest bit desperate. I'm the kind of woman who receives a lot of unwanted attention from men - not being big-headed, just a fact - and a completely impartial third party repeated to me this new man's surprise that I would be interested in him. I turn down the guys who think they're God's gift, including in this workplace two guys in their early thirties - people think I'm younger than I am. It's the quieter guy in the room I notice.

MakeItStopNeville - do you have two hours? lol I'll get back to you on that one. Seriously, I'll try and answer that later. It's complicated.

I think I would walk away, too much going on here.

But there are always exceptions
Absolutely. I am in no way saying that him being with you is only about boosting his ego and youth, only that it COULD be a possibility and one that is quite highly likely, so all I'm advising is don't rush into it emotionally as you seem to have already done. In your head, it will feel that you've been together longer because you've liked it for some time, but from his perspective, the relationship is very young.

Don't lose yourself in this relationship which although could work, has more against it not to. So what if his daughter is a daddy's girl and calls him when you are together. Don't act like a bunny boiler, just laugh at it and say that he is clearly very close to his daughter. Don't make him feel that he already has to pick between her or you. Making demands of him at this stage is totally unreasonable. Of course he is telling you what you want to hear right now, he doesn't want to lose how you are making him feel, but don't assume from that that he will always do what you want, more that he will constantly try to please you but also his daughter, his ex, himself and in the end, you'll get the pieces.

Enjoy time with him but stop projecting yourself in a happy ever after future with him. Don't expect anything, let nature decide if you are meant to be together, don't control it to try to make it work. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.

All of your posts just seem very "me me me me me" which is not going to work if you were to enter a relationship with a man who has children.

Back in the adult world, we are allowed to have an opinion....

Why should you have an opinion on and be making judgements about someone you have never even met?

By the way, I don't class someone of his daughter's age as a child. She's a young adult in my humble opinion

Of course she isn't a child, but she is still his child and always will be. You don't seem to like that fact.

I feel sorry for her if you do form a relationship with this man. Her parents have only just separated and you are behaving as though you are very jealous of her before you've even laid eyes on her.

So what if she is his child? He can have an adult child, have a good relationship with her AND have a partner. Unless of course he is overly invested in his adult daughter and treats her like a number one women(and not a child) in his life, has no bounaries(drinking with her) and allows her to interfere with his dates..If he is like that he should not be dating as no women deserves to be brought into a wierd dynamic like that.

Leave him OP.

Agree with semiconscious

His child had no boundaries and he did nothing about it. He was locked out of his home seemingly for no reason. He's either unbelievably passive or he's not owning his part in his child's upbringing or his relationship break down.

Something feels off about this.

His ex is being painted as the baddie in all this- she was cruel, cold, never showed him any love or affection, it's her fault that his dd is the way she is, she kicked him out one night for no reason other than the relationship had "gradually deteriorated"? I'm not buying all that.

Secondly, at risk of sounding like a self styled psychologist, I can't help thinking you're looking for a father figure?
The age gap is huge, and you've compared him to your dad twice on here, comparing your dad's stance on drinking to his and also describing this man's relationship with his dd and how your dad did a better job with you.

Perhaps you were a "daddy's girl" and want that dynamic in a relationship. That would explain your immediate dislike for his daughter. You want to be the centre of his world but in fact she is. Therefore she's a threat.

Realistically, she's a young student. She'll inevitability move out to uni or with her bf. It's not unusual to have a few wild partying years at her age. Most students drink and slob about in their rooms so nothing sinister or shocking there.

I think it best to focus on men in your age bracket who have less family commitments and the energy to travel the world like you, relocate and build a life together.

Wow there are one hell of a lot of ‘problems’ for a 3rd date! Surely 3rd date shouldn’t involve so much in depth discussion about past relationships!

I asked him to list all the things he found attractive about me

I can't help thinking that was a bit awkward on a second date . It comes across as a bit needy and intense.

I think to even be asking about whether a guy you’ve been on 3 dates with is too devoted to his child is OTT. Also to question everything about her is very intense. You are coming across as resentful.