Is my new man too devoted to darling daughter?

[Allergictochildrenandhousework]

Hello, this is my first post. Please be gentle!

A man I had a crush on for over a year in a workplace and I finally found out we felt the same. We have gone out three times and exchanged a number of emails etc over one month.

I am 45 and he is 65. I saw the person, or what I knew of the person, and he is 'my type' physically (just older).

This is not something I've done before. I have no children from choice and he has a daughter turning 20 this year. The more I hear, the more panic is setting in. I welcome any advice or comments if you can relate or empathise with me.

He became single nearly 5 months ago when the woman he lived with for 20 years in her house (the mother of this 'child') locked him out. He quickly started renting for himself and his daughter (she also still lives with the mother in her house) and is about to move into the flat he bought about a month ago - same arrangement.

Both flats are less than a 5 minute walk from the old house so the daughter can stroll between the two.

On our second date in a fortnight, daughter sent two texts (after a phone call) within 20 minutes to tell him again to come home - after that I left. He has told me he has told her not to do it again but doesn't get why it upset me and made excuses etc.

The daughter stays in his house for most of the weekends in her room with her boyfriend drinking etc, goes out drinking until the early hours and sometimes he joins her drinking (despite telling me he, like me, was a non-drinker).

He also admits that no boundaries were ever set with her growing up because her mother wouldn't allow it. She is at university despite him saying she never studied and hasn't done much so far. She is their only child.

He runs into the ex at the local pool all the time and seems determined to stay 'local' all based around the daughter's 'plans' but says 'she might go off to university'.....

I never thought I'd find myself in the middle of any of this.

I assumed his kids would be living independently just like him and older, so he could relocate, travel, which are long-held plans of mine.

He is very keen on me but I'm getting very anxious.

Do I give it time or get out now?

They only split up five month ago i wouldnt be hoping for much from him. Hes close tp his daughter, and shes struggling with her parents divorce. Whats wrong with her staying at his house. Lots of students struggle financially.

He probably wont want to move away from his dd either. I wouldnt.

Honestly? I’d just leave it. He’s lied about drinking already and the university thing doesn’t add up (she’s already there, but she might go?).

That’s just me though; I’m not keen on people who aren’t straight with me.

He's what's considered as a good father!!! He doesn't drink... His daughter does,!

Oswin - I said the same thing myself. She and her father are traumatised and she needs time to adjust. She is staying with her mother in their old family house too. Does a 20 year old need two homes 18 months from now? Since I don't have kids and I haven't known anyone in this situation, I'm interested in all points of view.

For some reason you have taken against his dd, even though you have never even met her (I presume). So I don't think this relationship will work out. People don't take kindly to others criticising members of their family, particularly their children.

The OP states that he joins his daughter sometimes when she drinks, despite telling the OP that he’s a non drinker like her.

Shockers - I had the same reaction because I feel the same. He also tried a few times to get me to come over to his place from the start before I knew he had a daughter there. Once he'd told me about her, he kept trying. Even after I wrote in an email that this was not right so early on, later when he invited me over again, he didn't mention that she was there at the time. As we were sitting in the car outside his house (flat), I checked with him that she was out for the weekend and he said she'd been in her room all weekend. He said "You didn't ask so I didn't tell you". I was not impressed. I feel the relationship needs to be a lot more secure before you meet someone's child.

I think she just wants to live with them both. Its pretty normal for adult children tp live at home for a while.
I think if i was you i would walk away. He is always going to take his parenting duties seriously.

Obviously I can only go from what you say in your OP, but I don't think you'd be suited to a man with children at the best of times - and this situation definitely isn't the best of time.

He's only recently split with ex. And you seemingly want him to prioritise you - someone he's been seeing a month (has been on 3 dates with!) - over his own daughter.

It's not going to happen. It's never going to happen.

If you want someone footloose and responsibility free, choose someone without offspring.

There's no shame in it - I honestly don't think I could ever be with a man who had children. I don't have what it takes.

She’s already AT uni “but [he] says 'she might go off to university'.....“

So postgrad?! That’s not bad for a young woman who doesn’t do any study. Are you sure this is all quite right?

I don't think that he is the right person for you. He has family commitments and is unlikely to want to relocate, travel or fall in with your long-held plans.
You've only been seeing each other for a month and you are already feeling anxious so I would probably just leave it.

Coyoacan - I haven't. I'm only presenting information I have been told or my experiences so far (the texting). I have a lot of empathy for her because like me, she has an older father and he has told me about certain taste she has that I had at that age and I defended her to him. However I was raised with firm boundaries unlike her. I have a lot of respect for those boundaries and the difference they can make.

My parents separated very suddenly when i was 21. I was an 'adult' but found it hugely upsetting and so did my then 18 year old brother. To be honest, I sort of reverted to being a child for about a year - I moved back in with my mum to support her as I had just finished uni and I found it a very unsettling time, like I had left my childhood behind but that none of it had ever really been as it seemed as my parents had been secretly so unhappy. I didn't have the security my friends did - going back to their parents for weekends if life got a bit hard/ overwhelming (as it often does at that age) because my childhood home had gone. I had no idea what I wanted to do with myself and spent most nights stoned.

My point is, 5 months on, you probably aren't seeing the best of his DD. This might not be who she usually is, this is who she is right now while coping with this huge event in her life. I would either back off her and accept that you aren't going to necessarily understand/ agree with the way things are with her right now, or just call it a day on this relationship.

Just to be clear, I’m not critical of his parenting because I don’t know him, or his daughter. However, he’s lied to the OP, and that’s not a healthy way to conduct a relationship.

To people commenting on how recent the relationship split was. I totally agree. He said before I told him I was concerned about it that some people might say he was on the rebound from the previous relationship but it's really over. He's very uncomfortable talking about it and when he does, he never uses the woman's name - ever. He refers to his daughter and the boyfriend by first name but never about the previous relationship. I have told him since that I think he needs time. He doesn't agree. As I said, he's very keen on me.

upthewolves - thank you for sharing this with me. I'm going to take what you've said into account whatever I decide.

Shockers - there's one other thing about his honesty. On the second date when he'd told me about her - and the funny thing was, I asked him straight "What family do you have?" (he'd asked me straight on the first date "Where are your parents?") and his first reply was 'Nothing, No one" and replied, "No family at all?" and then he told me he had a daughter. He made some passing comment about her mother and I thought I'd misheard. I let it go because it was awkward. But I didn't mishear because he repeated it on the third date. He has told me that there was no sex or even kissing (except when the daughter was conceived) for most or almost all of the 20 years of his previous relationship. I find that very, very, very difficult to believe and I honestly do not know if I'm being cynical or naïve.

I think you're very over involved in this man's life considering you've only been on three dates with him. His domestic arrangements and his relationship with his daughter are not really your business.
Him and his daughter have recently been through a massive change and I expect they're both still working out new living arrangements and adjusting to it all.
If I were you, I wouldn't expect him to put your before hers, certainly for the foreseeable future. A parent's love and support for their child doesn't just cease because they've reached adulthood

Why do you put daughter's 'plans' in inverted commas? In what way does his daughter have no boundaries?

Was he really lying about drinking, or did he just go out with his daughter and have a glass of wine or a cup of tea, after telling you he is not a drinker? Lots of people who don't consider themselves drinkers might occasionally have a drink. The only people I know who never ever drink are people with an alcohol problem, but I know plenty of people who rarely drink and have no interest in alcohol. I doubt he was getting plastered with his 20 year old daughter.

He is a liar. Chuck him back and keep looking.

claraschu - he used those words himself - there were 'no boundaries'. He just came out and said it, without me asking anything. He told me the mother made all the decisions, didn't discuss anything with him, rejected all his ideas etc.

I say 'plans' because I didn't have definite plans at that age and what I hear makes me believe she would be unlikely to have definite plans. She never studied at school - that's what he said - I studied hard and I got into engineering.

I'm very sorry that that is your experience of people who never, ever drink.

I never, ever drink because like a few people I've known, I don't like the taste and I don't like the long effects on the brain.

What I mean is I have drunk a tiny amount of alcohol on 3 special occasions in the 45 years of my life and I don't plan to do it again. My father, a Crown Prosecutor, was a lifelong non-drinker. He was very strict and he had his views. I assure you he had no alcohol problem ever in his life.

This new man told me the daughter drinks gin in her bedroom. According to him, there was a drinking session involving gin recently with her, the boyfriend and him that went over many hours of two or more evenings.

St Patrick's Day recently. He told me she had loaded up on alcohol for the weekend and he had copied her. The texting was excused by him as probably wanting him home to 'get into the Guinness'.

He sounds like a right weirdo.

But you sound very uptight about people having a drink. I'm not saying binge drinking is ok, but if he wants a drink it's really none of your business.

I think you should bin him off right now.
His DD might be having all sorts of insecurities, he has only recently split with her mother and she might be hoping they'll get back together, but either way it's very rude of her to text him while he's with you to tell him to come home.

She is not going to take well to the idea of you, and you're already somewhat resentful of her - so this is going to go nowhere, I feel, without a lot of resentment and acrimony.

You don't need this in your life, so I'd let it (and him) go.

You and this man are not compatible. You want a non-drinker and he is clearly a social drinker. You want someone free from ties and he has a daughter.

The fact that you are questioning if his daughter needs a space in his home five months after one month together says that you are not compatible. You thought his children would be older - she's not. She's 20. If she stays at uni, does a post-grad and works for a while to save for a deposit then she could easily be at home for several more years and you clearly do not approve of her lifestyle.

Walk away. This isn't the relationship for you.