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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Is this reasonable

31 replies

Buggeritimgettingup · 25/03/2018 11:08

Ss has lived with us for 5 years during that time dh has made the 6 hour journey every time for contact (3hours there 3 hours back then the same journey to pick up and return) when ss mum wanted it. No maintenance has ever been paid or offered nor any other contribution by mum though when it was the other way round maintenance was paid at a higher level than the csa plus all school uniform/shoes plus usual other stuff. Sporadic contact sometimes 6 months inbetween. Sometimes every other weekend when we've been a little more pushy as ss had asked for this. Is dh being unreasonable to ask her to meet half way some of the time? The reason ss moved to live with us was due to social services removing due to concerns about general neglect amongst other things though I'm not really sure this is relevant. Prepared for a flaming as I'm only the stepmum

OP posts:
SweetEnough · 25/03/2018 11:21

Half way would be more than fair, I'd expect her to one whole journey for example: She would collect on a Friday evening, and dp would collect on the Sunday. Although that depends on how reliable she is.

I would also get dp to look at the maintenance again (if she is working) as its only fair for non resident parents to pay a contribution at least.

Original poster
Buggeritimgettingup · 25/03/2018 11:37

As she doesn't drive I think it would be easier for her to pick somewhere roughly half way that's easy for her to get public transport. I don't think she is working at the moment but am not 100% sure. I'm not sure how reliable she would be as she cancels last minute ie when dh and ss have already made most of the journey there or texts and says she will text when she wants him then doesn't text for months.

OP posts:
Hengine · 25/03/2018 11:43

Try and think of it as helping SS rather than helping his mum.
That said I think it’s fair to say it’s too much to do every other weekend.
What does SS want?

Original poster
Buggeritimgettingup · 25/03/2018 11:45

I'm tying to make it easier for ss and mum and fairer for us. I don't want to burden ss too much as i don't want him to feel responsible he'd like to see her but even when he does amd we take she still sometimes says not today I have plans.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/03/2018 11:47

How old is SS?

Original poster
Buggeritimgettingup · 25/03/2018 11:48

10

OP posts:
Finola1step · 25/03/2018 11:51

Your poor SS. As his mother sounds deeply unreliable, I would continue doing all the taking to and from. Yes, that is unfair but it is better for your SS's wellbeing. Poor kid.

Hengine · 25/03/2018 11:53

What you suggest is more than fair, it’s a tough situation and i don’t think there’s a right answer unfortunately.
You might get more notice of her cancelling if she was meeting half way.
But then she might be more inclined to cancel.

RandomMess · 25/03/2018 11:56

I would try it and see what happens, it could make things better or worse but it's not an unreasonable request at all.

Original poster
Buggeritimgettingup · 25/03/2018 12:00

What about if it was us doing all the dropping off picking up but only once a month instead of once a fortnight and the other weekend say half way meet? Would that be OK? It's not loads of money but it would make a big difference especially as no maintenance etc

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/03/2018 12:02

I would keep it the same tbh.

NorthernSpirit · 25/03/2018 12:04

This is a difficult one.

My OH is the NRP - has the kids EOW (without fail) and half the holidays and in 5.5 years the mum hasn’t done one drop off or pick up. She was asked if she could help out once and do a drop off and all he’ll let loose.

Personally I think it’s fair that both parents do half and half but the difficulty here is that she’s unreasonable. You could try some half way meets to see how you get on. A 6 hour round journey for the dad isn’t fair and it must be tough in him after a full day at work. The mum need to pull her weight.

She should be paying maintenance as well (if this was the other way round and the dad wasn’t paying all he’ll would let loose). You should go through the CMS. She’s not being fair at all.

RandomMess · 25/03/2018 12:26

Well it's perfectly fair that the NRP does do all the travel for contact, after all the RP does all the day to day grunt work usually totalling far far more than the NRP's share plus travel time!!

I think if you don't split the travel SS Mum just won't bother...

FlippingFoal · 25/03/2018 12:31

Well it's perfectly fair that the NRP does do all the travel for contact, after all the RP does all the day to day grunt work usually totalling far far more than the NRP's share plus travel time!!

The OPs DP is the RP...

Chasingsquirrels · 25/03/2018 12:31

Personally if I was your husband I'd tell her that she can collect from him and he will collect from her.

RandomMess · 25/03/2018 12:33

@FlippingFoal erm yes I know??? It was NorthernSpirit who seems to think the NRP shouldn't have to do the travel...

WinkyisbackontheButterBeer · 25/03/2018 12:35

I think that you are being incredibly fair. However, I would continue with the same set up as, in your situation, I would want to regularly check that home conditions etc were kept up to scratch.

FlippingFoal · 25/03/2018 12:36

RandomMess if you don't quote who you are replying to it just reads as if that is your opinion on the OP

RandomMess · 25/03/2018 12:39

@FlippingFoal because it's clear from my earlier posts if you follow what is a relatively short thread...

FlippingFoal · 25/03/2018 12:43

randommess you suggested keeping it the same so the RP fathercontinues to do all the travel. Make your mind up...

NorthernSpirit · 25/03/2018 12:50

@Randomness - i suggest you get your facts straight! I did not say it’s only fair that the NRP shouldn’t have to go the travel!

What I said is that I think it’s fair that both parents to contribute to drop offs and pick ups. Contact isn’t for a parent, it’s for the children.

My OH is the NRP and has done every drop off and pick up in 5.5 years. He works full time, the mum only works 16 hours a week over 3 days. She was asked once to help out with a drop off (she was only asked to meet at a station a 10 min walk away from her house and all hell kicked off). Do you think that’s fair?

As the RP in this case (the dad) does everything and spends 6 hours in a car, maybe the mum - the NRP (who doesn’t pay any maintenance or do any pick ups and drop offs) could pull her finger out and help out.

Original poster
Buggeritimgettingup · 25/03/2018 15:33

Well apparently we are totally unreasonable, we are to expect a solicitors letter and my lovely Ss will be living with her asap according to her. She also said she had been telling ss he was going to live with her for ages anyway so we've just spurred her into action! FFS

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 25/03/2018 15:39

She can’t just decide to take him back. He was removed for a reason. What does he want?

My DH is NRP and does the full 6 hour round trip twice a weekend, he has never suggested it should be otherwise.

NorthernSpirit · 25/03/2018 15:41

Solicitors letters aren’t worth the paper they are written on. A solicitor will put anything in a letter that the paying client tells them to. So try not to worry.

The facts are the boy has lived with you for 5 years and in that time your OH has facilitated contact for the mother (its unusual that the RP does all pick ups and drop offs). In that time the mother has been flaky with contact and hasn’t paid any maintenance.

Residency will only be changed on the grounds of what’s best for the child. Why does she think it’s now best to move the child, move him away from his school and friends.

She can threaten as much as she likes. Wait until it goes to court and let a judge decide. Courts will decide what’s best for the boy.

Good luck x

swingofthings · 25/03/2018 16:59

If she doesn't work, then how about contact during the holidays and he can stay a bit longer? Better to focus on quality other than quantity. If she doesn't work nor drive, it's likely she wouldn't be able to afford to do any travel.

That is of course assuming that DSS would be happy to stay longer, as would his mum and that isn't putting him at risk.