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Step-parenting

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Young Step Parents

78 replies

WhiteDiamondX · 20/03/2018 21:25

Any young step partners on here who have had some hard times?

OP posts:
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WhiteDiamondX · 20/03/2018 21:25

Parents not partners!

OP posts:
ciel · 20/03/2018 21:28

Yes, well young ish. 28 now but started dating Dh at 23. Do you have kids of your own?

WhiteDiamondX · 20/03/2018 21:30

20 years old, 6 months pregnant, been with DP 2 years, his 2 girls are 5&6

OP posts:
LongWavyHair · 20/03/2018 21:31

I met my partner when I was 19. Now at 28 we've been together nearly 10 years. I domt regret the relationship but I do feel like I underestimated the difficulties I would face in these past 10 years. I wasn't old enough to really think it through properly.

ciel · 20/03/2018 21:33

Oh wow you are young.
I don't even know any one else my age who is a step parent but I guess as I get older that could change. Dh kids are 9 and 7 now.
It is hard at times, not going to lie. I don't have any kids of my own yet though.

ciel · 20/03/2018 21:36

I feel the same @LongWavyHair. I didn't think through the financial and emotional stresses that it brings and the strain on the relationship at times.

WhiteDiamondX · 20/03/2018 21:40

I do find it hard when I was 19 I used to keep "you're only a teenager aren't you" and "my mom said you're still a kid"

I don't get on with their mom at all, due to fake pregnancies, made up rumours about me, she told the eldest I got a tattoo and cried my eyes out and begged them to stop tattooing me... I have no tattoos? Blush

I'm expected to look after them like a mother but then my opinion means nothing when it comes to making decisions.

Again expected to treat them like my own child but god forbid telling them off if they do something bad.

I struggle sometimes I really do

OP posts:
Saem12 · 20/03/2018 23:02

I feel you! I’m a young step mother too and I have a 9 month old baby. I wrote a post on here about how hard I was finding it and that I had not bonded with my step son. (I have a SS aged 3 and a SD aged 5). You won’t get much helpful advise on here I was absolutely bullied by a mob of angry women who said I was disgusting for ‘not liking’ my SS. Being a step parent is so hard. How often do you have your step kids?

WhiteDiamondX · 21/03/2018 06:01

Saem12

I seen your post, if you don't bond with someone then you just don't bond with someone! I didn't click with the eldest at first and got on really well will youngest, but noticed a very sneaky side to youngest and now get on really well with eldest! Used to have them 3 days a week but they've moved about 45 mins away and due to work only have them on the weekend now which is shit cause I never get a weekend with my partner anymore. The worst is when people say "well you knew what you signed up for" well no actually I didn't cause back then how was I supposed to know a few dates would end up falling for somebody!

OP posts:
swingofthings · 21/03/2018 06:38

You will hear 'you knew what you signed up' to a lot. The truth is more that you didn't know what you signed up because you (and your partner) didn't give it enough time to get to to know what you were about to sign up and decide whether to do so or not.

It's the same issue once again. Met someone, played happy family at first, enjoying acting like a mum when it's new, then decide that you want to be a mum yourself all this in 18 months. The problem is that at your age, 18 months feels like a relatively reasonable time, but in the scheme of things and as you get older, you realise that 18 months in not even close enough to get to know someone well, build a bond with young kids who have to adjust to separated parents and to experience being a mum yourself for the first time.

You can't rewind time now, so all you can do is try to make the best of your situation and quite a bit of it will be to accept a lot of it. What you don't have to accept though is being another mum to these kids because you're not. Your partner had them with his ex and he is their only parent when they come to see him, so let him get on with it, don't try to impress him and show him what a wonderful mum you'll be too by taking on all the chores of being a mum. The kids won't thank you, why would they, and he won't either because he'll assume you are doing because you enjoy it rather than to please him, which then of course makes it difficult to come out with the truth.

A family member became a SM of 3 children at 18 and had her own child at 19. It worked and 40 years later, she is still happily married with him, so it's not a case of dismissing your age or your situation, but it's not going to be easy and not the dream life you probably imagined it would be when you decided to get pregnant.

ElChan03 · 21/03/2018 07:34

I'm 25 and I met my XDP at 22. We've just split. Being a step parent is bloody hard and being younger I think definitely makes it so much harder.
Good luck OP

Saem12 · 21/03/2018 11:13

That’s hard that you don’t get a weekend on your own. It’ll get even harder when your baby comes along because in my case, I just wanted to look after my baby, not the other 2. Jesus it was hard enough learning how to be a mother to this vulnerable new born baby. And recovering from an emergency c section! I didn’t want to be running around after 2 toddlers that I hadn’t chose to have. Well i guess you could say I did chose it because I got with a man with children. I guess I never realised how hard it was going to be. I’m still young myself and still learning. To me a step mum has to make the most sacrifices of
All. If you look at every situation for every person involved, it’s the step Mum that sacrifices her time, love, home and money for someone else’s children. Which ever way you look at it that’s a very noble thing to do. I couldn’t even provide for my bloody self when I got with my fiancé. So everyone hate on step mums all you want but you have to be an incredibly selfless person with a lot of maturity to be one.

Ember12 · 21/03/2018 11:26

So everyone hate on step mums all you want but you have to be an incredibly selfless person with a lot of maturity to be one.

But you are none of these things?

Saem12 · 21/03/2018 12:13

So Ember i guess you are selfless and mature?

Ember12 · 21/03/2018 12:39

More so than you, i wouldn't of had a child with that man and i would of left the second i even started to feel the way you do about his children

ciel · 21/03/2018 13:26

@Ember12 are you young and do you have step-children? It is really hard at times.
It is not unreasonable for anyone who is a new first time mum to only want to be responsible for their own new born baby, atleast for the first few weeks. You are still getting to grips with things. Especially when recovering from a major operation like a c section. You have to admit caring for two toddlers as well would be hard even if they were your own!
Also ember you can say those things but you don't know what you will do in reality. I always said I would never marry a man with kids but here I am! He is a good person and we are in love. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Ember12 · 21/03/2018 14:17

When i was 19 i got with a man with 2 children, i loved him not his children so i walked away.
I have 3 children all born via c-section with complications so fully aware how that is. It may be reasonable to want time with just your baby but it isnt practical or fair when other children are involved.
She didn't have to run around or look after 2 toddlers thats the fathers job.

Saem12 · 21/03/2018 15:25

In an ideal world that is the fathers job to be running around after them yes. But when they are in your home, (a 2 bedroom home) small 2 up, 2 down. You do end up doing it. I wasn’t given the room to breathe when my baby was born and I think I suffered with PND because of it.

Saem12 · 21/03/2018 15:31

I also had the children by myself every other Friday as my dp was in work. I kept telling him it was too much and I couldn’t cope. But he was too scared to tell his ex that we couldn’t have them until dp finished work on Friday. We had them Thursday - Sunday at that time

Wallywobbles · 21/03/2018 15:31

We are in our 40s and it's still hard. And that's without any new babies in the mix.

Step mums here do get a hard time I'm afraid. Some of it is bloody incomprehensible. People think if you are a single mum you need to stay that way til they leave home. And you should allow them to live at home for bloody ever. I exaggerate- but not much!! Good luck with it all.

MysweetAudrina · 21/03/2018 15:38

I started seeing my dh at aged 23 and he had 2 dds aged 4 and 2 at the time. They are now 23 and 21. It is hard no doubt and I never had a weekend off in all that time. They were with us from Thur- Mon every week. I have a good relationship with them both but you have to put yourself in the backseat emotionally, financially and physically a lot of the time. I think you have to like the kids also as it is too hard to live that length of time with someone you don't like.

PixieDust100 · 21/03/2018 16:30

So everyone hate on step mums all you want but you have to be an incredibly selfless person with a lot of maturity to be one.

But you are none of these things?

Couldn’t of put it better myself Ember12!

PixieDust100 · 21/03/2018 16:33

It is not unreasonable for anyone who is a new first time mum to only want to be responsible for their own new born baby, atleast for the first few weeks.

Then you don’t have kids with a man that already has kids to look after! Geez. He can’t just dump his other children off because you only want to look after the newborn for a few weeks. Hmm

And yes I’m young, and yes I have a step daughter!

ciel · 21/03/2018 16:46

I haven't .... @PixieDust100 I was defending @Saem12 . I have been with Dh for five years. I am waiting until his kids are in secondary school to have a baby because I know it will be much easier then. For me having a new born and lively young step kids would not be feasible.

Saem12 · 21/03/2018 16:55

See what I mean white diamond?

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