Young Step Parents

[WhiteDiamondX]

Any young step partners on here who have had some hard times?

I completely agree with Hotcrossbunsandtea. That's very solid advice.

Been with my partner for 5 years - he has 2 kids - one lives with us all the time and the other spends their time 50/50 with us and mother

Mother has been less than ideal and has made up various rumours about me - including that I am addicted to ketamine !!

Been in court several times about the children and going again in a few weeks - has been testing at times ! - am starting to think it’s a never ending battle !

Zibbidoo the problem is that he didn't really have his children but expected SM with her own firstborn new baby to take care of them. If he couldn't than their mother should. Either one of their parents should have sorted it not used a SM as a free childcare.

And if he indeed just had his chldren..well he has an additional one now so needs to take care of ALL of them and a SM after c section should be resting.

Totally agree with you on all points. But those are nothing to do with OP assuming she would have every weekend with her boyfriend. That was her own oversight. Also begs the question, if child free weekends are important, why have a baby with him?

I also hate the “I fell in love with him, not his kids” stuff. Yeah, but you didn’t just move in with him. His kids live there too. If that’s not okay, don’t move in with him. You have a choice in that.

It would be the same if I got to spend my whole weekend with him and he then decided to have his friends stay over all weekend, I'd have a right to be a bit sad then wouldn't I because I don't get my time with him?

Err, no!! Not the same at all! His kids aren’t optional! They aren’t his social life. I can’t believe you see that as the same thing.

I am allowed to be upset that I don't get a weekend with him anymore.

You’re pregnant with his child. How did you see weekends playing out? Where are you planning to send your baby for weekends?

You were very silly to assume you would have permanently childfree weekends with someone who has kids. What sort of parents do you know that don’t have their children at weekends? Other than absent ones I can’t think of any.

I met my DP when I was 20, he has 2 boys. We have been together 6.5 years & have 4 children together.
It has been less than easy. His boys were very hard to work to begin with. I found the transition extremely hard, especially as his eldest was 10 when I met him (only 10 years between us). I felt way to young to be dealing with step children. But as PP have said, you can’t help who you fall in love with! It took a long time to get there but now DP and his ex co parent brilliantly, we are all able to get along and do what is best for the boys. Believe it wasn’t like that to begin with!
It all takes time, the longer you are in their life the more time you will have to bond with them :)

Zibbidoo before I was with him she wouldn't let him have them over night. He could see them at the park, or take them out somewhere. His house wasn't really a home, he was 24, mom had just passed away and he could barley look after himself. He started having the girls more and more, and eventually we had them 3 or 4 nights a week.

I think it's rude to assume that things are all daisies and Rosies in other people's lives.

You're missing the point. What I'm trying to say is just because that's "life" doesn't mean I have to be chuffed with it!

Are you a young step mom? If not then I'm unsure why you're commenting

Zibbidoo we wasn't going to have children anytime soon due to wanting time for us, beings we don't have that anymore we thought why the fuck not!

If I'd my time again I would have followed my mother's advice and never got involved with the responsibility of stepparenting.
It's difficult enough parenting your own kids when they come.
Twenties are for fun, career building and travel not pandering to someelses kids.
I'm glad I didn't waste too much time on the bloke wirh the baggage.
Life's too short OP. Go and make the most of it ..

we wasn't going to have children anytime soon due to wanting time for us

If you want time together as a couple, don't get with someone who has children. I dated someone with children for three years - I soon lost count of the amount of dates/free evenings that were cancelled at the last minute because one of them needed medicine, or to be taken to A&E, or collected from school.

I know people are probably sounding harsh but that's the reality of dating a parent. You don't get time to yourselves unless you're willing to pay for a sitter, and even then you need to be home on time to relieve them, or be willing to leave early if your child is sick/inconsolable etc.

It sounds to me like you love your partner but that you have no real idea about what it is to be a parent/step-parent. Your partners kids are already split between two homes and you decided to have another because "why the fuck not?".

So now these children have to deal with a new sibling, as well as a step-parent who resents them being around at weekends because she doesn't get their father to herself anymore. Poor things.

Who said I resent them? Fuck off lol

As I said, I made this thread as I'm sick of winging old bags not relating to how YOUNG STEP PARENTS feel.

Ooo

Opinions aren't wanted from anybody else

You decided to have a child at 20 with a man you’d known less than two years who could barely look after himself, and whose children you didn’t click with, because he already has his children at weekends so.... umm.... huh?? Yeah, that’s sensible.

I really do despair at times.

There’s young, and then there’s worryingly immature.

What's the age range for young step parents? At what age do we become "winging old bags"?

Surely your best advice will come from older women who have been where you are now?*

I have got to a point now in my stepparenting journey where I am at ease and happy. It's not perfect but it's much better. I get on very well with my sdd and I have grown closer to her since she has become a bit older and she has become more independent. When she was younger I found it a lot harder and in my very early 20s I was getting used to being a mum so found step parenting very frustrating at times.

Zibbidoo yeah they're exactly the reasons

I was 23 when I met DH. He had 4 kids from a previous relationship (he’s older than me and had them young and close together)

Yeah it was hard. If I could rewind time would I do it again? Probably not....

😂😂😂

Twenties are for fun, career building and travel not pandering to someelses kids

Very true ^

At times I wanted to run away from my own kids..never mind anyone else's.

But as PP have said, you can’t help who you fall in love with

I disagree with this. You have a choice to walk away or friendzone them. It's what I hear from the OWs having affairs...they can't help it.

The minute a man told me he had kids (or was a divorcee), I was no longer interested, because I didn't want the baggage that comes with it.

Like I said...late teens up to mid twenties, is your peak time and you don't need to be settling for a man with kids. As long as woman is even just average looking ... she can find a single man.

OTOH...my friend who married at 39, had to be practical and realise she was unlikely to find a decent single available man in her age range without kids. So she's now a SM to 2 DC.

The reality is that the decent men in that category are in relationships.

@SandyY2K

"Twenties are for fun, career building and travel not pandering to someelses kids

Very true ^"

This is not true for everyone. People have different circumstances and goals. Personally, I think all ages are for fun. I'm not going to suddenly become old and boring at 30. My mum has a better social life than me in her late 50's! Not everyone wants a huge career and step mums do not have to pander to their step children.

"Like I said...late teens up to mid twenties, is your peak time and you don't need to be settling for a man with kids. As long as woman is even just average looking ... she can find a single man."

Ever consider that you may be settling by choosing a man just because they don't have kids. My husband is amazing. We are perfect for each other in every way and I have not met any one else like him. It is not his fault his ex wife cheated on him and left him for another man. He doesn't deserve to be punished for this forever.

Also re your comment about older women in their late 30s having to be realistic and settle for men with kids. My husbands kids will be grown up by the time I get to late 30s. Just a thought...!!!

@ciel
I was agreeing with what another pp said about travelling and not pandering to the needs of stepkids at a young age (as a SM) or not having stepkids at weekends.

Ever consider that you may be settling by choosing a man just because they don't have kids.

Not at all. didn't just settle for any man without kids. I had other criteria as well.

I don't need to be dealing with the hassle all the SMs are complaining about here.... and I'm not saying the complaints are unfounded. If I was left with someone else's toddler after I'd had a C section, there's no doubt I would also be pissed off about it...which is why I wouldn't ever have married a man who already had kids.

The problem lies with the man ..thinking his new DP/DW is free childcare and not stepping up to the plate.

I didn't just settle for any single man, I had other criteria as well.

Also re your comment about older women in their late 30s having to be realistic and settle for men with kids.

The reason I say this, is for the men who want children, they would really be looking for a woman younger than late 30s, due to the decline in fertility.

So if a woman is late 30s to 40s...chances are a man in your same age group will already have kids or not want kids.

Your DH being late 30s when his kids are grown is great...but if he has more kids with you..the kids are a generation away in age and as such very unlikely to have a sibling relationship.

He doesn't deserve to be punished for this forever.

I don't see it as punishing anyone. Just a case of not needing the drama and hassle of stepkids and an Ex.

I'd say its better for a woman with kids, to date a man with kids....because they'll have a better understanding of the responsibilities of having DC and they bring an equal amount of baggage into the relationship.

...and of course you can have fun at any age... but you certainly don't need to be looking after and worrying about kids that aren't yours and missing out on weekends together, as has been mentioned by SMs in this thread.

I appreciate everyone's comments, but the whole point of the thread is for SM to moan?

For us to share good times and bad times?

I have loads of bad and good times I could share. The thing is I think if step mums share bad times or show any frustration on here they will be slammed down and judged by holier than though know it alls. There is a lot of step Mum hatred on this site. But if any one else doesn't mind sharing and facing a back lash then that's cool.