Young Step Parents

[WhiteDiamondX]

Any young step partners on here who have had some hard times?

ciel you were saying it’s not unreasonable and defending Saem12, but why? It’s completely unreasonable to want to dump off previous kids when they were in the picture first for a ‘few weeks’ because you have decided you want to add to the family. The newborn baby is not more important then the previous children and they should be made to feel included, not cast aside because you ‘don’t want to raise another women’s kids’. Should of thought of that before getting knocked up by ‘accident’.

We’ll have to agree to disagree then won’t we on that one. Anyways this post is not even about me. Move back onto the ops original problem. I would have started my own post if I wanted all this back lash ;)

Um...I'm not knocked up nor have I been. Dh and I will try for a baby when the time is right for us. It will not be an accident. I don't know why that would make you so angry.

I didn't say anything about 'dumping off' children. I said that a first time mother should be able to have time to bond with her baby & recover from birth for the first few weeks without having to also be responsible for two toddlers that aren't her own. Saem said she had to look after her partners toddlers alone every other Friday, after a c section with a new born baby. It's not about dumping them off, it's about the actual mother and father of those children stepping up and taking full responsibility for those first few weeks. Just as one partner would in a 'normal' relationship would when the other had a major operation.
Anyway I agree with Saem12 in what she has said & let's get back to OPs questions. I think posts like pixies just demonstrates the venom in some women towards stepmothers. We can't do right for doing wrong.

Im not a step parent,but my dp is 26 and my dc are 13 and 11.
I think society views stepdads very differently to step mums so he tends to get comments more along the lines of " oh wow. Isn't he wonderful" rather than "well you know what you signed up for"

I also had the children by myself every other Friday as my dp was in work. I kept telling him it was too much and I couldn’t cope. But he was too scared to tell his ex that we couldn’t have them until dp finished work on Friday. We had them Thursday - Sunday at that time

Nothing to do with the childrens mother and saem12 could of said no! If he refused to ask he should of arranged other childcare or looked after his children.

She doesnt have to be responsible for
them they have a father, if he decides to have more children its nothing to do with the mother stepping up!

He can’t just dump his other children off because you only want to look after the newborn for a few weeks

When he goes back to work after paternity leave then the stepmum has every right to enjoy her maternity leave with just her baby and just see the stepchildren during normal contact days.

Thanks Ciel. That’s exactly how I felt. You are spot on. I guess some people on here have different opinions. That’s fine as well.

ciel, I’m referring to Saem12. Maybe you should read her posts about how she wishes her 3 yr old step son didn’t exist and she didn’t want to raise other women’s kids. Her partner should of been looking after the kids on that Friday or find other child care. Not just refuse his kids for a few weeks because a new kid has come along.

And I’m a step mum myself.

He can’t just dump his other children off because you only want to look after the newborn for a few weeks

When he goes back to work after paternity leave then the stepmum has every right to enjoy her maternity leave with just her baby and just see the stepchildren during normal contact days.

No one is saying to increase the contact time when he’s off on leave or for the step mum to have the kids extra on her own in her mat leave but If having the kids every Friday is normal contact time then its normal contact time and they should be coming over.

How do I view a posters other posts? I would love to see what helpful advise you are giving to people. And yes please view my posts and then you can up your own mind ciel :)

Saem12 you got a roasting because your posts were pretty horrible about your SS.

OP I don't have any advice but you are very young. At 20 I cant even imagine looking after kids.

Oh wow that's escalated

I think everybody's situation is different, there's time I love the girls so much then times I think I'm waaaay to fucking young to deal with this shit!

But like someone else has said in a previous post I fell in love with my partner not his kids, it takes time to love someone else's kids.

I work in domiciliary care and I don't 'love' the service users like I love my own Nan.

Just because kids are kids doesn't mean they are particularly nice! You don't click with some adults you don't click with some kids :)

I became a step parent when I was 16, DSD was 2.5. It really was so fucking hard, had so many problems with her mum. She was horrendous, (and really was very neglectful and abusive to DSD). After a few years, she met someone else and had another baby which meant she wasn't bothered about DSD anymore and left her to live with her grandparents. Which meant all the hassle and harassment disappeared, and it was a lot easier. DSD eventually came to live with us when she was 9.

It's always been hard, but she was such a lovely kid. Although quite a challenging teenager. We have a great relationship now she's an adult in her mid 20's.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, if I could go back I'd be running for the hills TBH. I was far too young to take on someone else's child and I made a lot of mistakes. If you weren't already pregnant OP I'd be telling you to just run away!

I was going to say I was young when I met by DH but I was 25 so not that young compared to you!

I wholeheartedly agree with your comment on that you fell in love with the man, not the children. I love my DSC, but it's taken me s good few years to get here, I've been around for 10 years now-DSS can't remember me not being here.

Also 'you know what you signed up for' no, I diddnt really. I thought it would be sunshine and day trips to the zoo (I have no DC of my 'own'- though I hate that term) but by the time I realised the reality I was I too deep. I could have left, but I decided to power through the challenging times.

I can't speak for you, but for me- it got better. I can't imagine my life without my DSC now.

I thought it would be sunshine and day trips to the zoo (I have no DC of my 'own'- though I hate that term) but by the time I realised the reality I was I too deep. I could have left, but I decided to power through the challenging times
And that's what it comes down to. If you hang on to that dream of sunshine, even when you realise that it was just a fantasy, then it is never going to work. If you accept that it's not life in the Caribbeans but that you can still have a happy life with some great sunny days, then you can make it home with your new family.

For these men who leave you (SMs) to look after their kids while they are in work....what did they do before you were in a relationship with them?

Who had their children at that time?

And if they only changed the visitation arrangements when you came on the scene...then I would see that as you being used as free childcare by your DP, not by the mother.

I totally understand that a new mum (especially after a C section) would rather not have toddlers to look after. Especially when they aren't your own, so this is why you have to get their fathers to step up.

I think what often happens is that the father takes on additional days to have his DC on the strength of his new DP/DW. He shouldn't take on these days, if he himself isn't going to be around. It's his responsibility.

IME and I see on these boards stepmums helping with homework, doing all the cooking, all the cleaning, laundry etc ... basically doing pretty much everything...and if I'm honest..I think you're being used by your DPs/DHs... and they just want someone to help with their kids because they're lazy...and in a number of cases (not all) ..this lazy parenting is why they are no longer with the Ex.

Sadly..You don't get to see this side of them until you've been sucked in.... like most people he would have presented his good dad side when you first met.... once you start living together his true colours show.

only have them on the weekend now which is shit cause I never get a weekend with my partner anymore.

I’m not sure why you expected to? He is a parent. That’s 24/7. Where will you be sending you baby every weekend?

You don't click with some adults you don't click with some kids

Yeah, but you don’t move in with the ones you don’t click with do you?

Zibbidoo why would I expect that when he used to have them in the week? And have done for the past 2 years?

You're whole point in completely invalid

It's hard. It gets much better when they are older and more independent and move out. What really makes a difference is crazy ex losing power and that comes with their ages..16 and up. With the slower developers 18 and up and crazy ex loses interest as there is no more potential( if they don't live with her she will be trying to get them to till this point) maintanance to pay.
I think another milestone is uni.. and support them but don't let them move back in

When you have a new baby you are 100% entitled to time with him/her without SC around. You shouldn't have to take care of your partners toddlers..He has let you down by expecting you too..he is a shit father and a partner.

Arrangements with kids do change though and just because it began as midweek contact...doesn't mean it will be that way forever.

As kids get older, they have extra curricular activities and midweek contact may no longer work. Their mums may have a change in working pattern/started a new job after being a SAHM, which requires some change in the existing arrangements.

As they get into their teens...they probably won't want every weekend, because they miss out on seeing their friends and socialising.

I think there's a bit if naivity, if one expects things to remain the same for ever more.

If your DP has children things can always change, which would could mean the DC are with you more or even move in with you full time.

His Ex could become ill which results in the kids being with you more. She could pass away. These are possibilities.

To be honest...and I know opinions will differ, I don't think it's best to have a relationship with a guy who has kids if you're young. At least not a serious relationship where you live together.

I think you can afford to be picky in your choice of men at that age and save yourself the hassle of stepkids and Ex wife drama to deal with.

In my late teens and twenties, I turned down men with kids for those very reasons.

I'd be very disappointed if my DD (now 18), got involved with a man with kids...for the very reasons you've all mentioned.

If she was late 30s, then I could accept it, but with youth on your side you don't need to deal with this baggage.

why would I expect that when he used to have them in the week? And have done for the past 2 years?

Erm, for exactly the reason I said! He is a parent. That is 24/7. You don’t get to switch that off at weekends. Circumstances changes all the time within families. He has to be available for his children all the time. And you should assume that he will be. You don’t get with someone who has kids and then sulk when they actually, umm, have their kids. Did you really expect his arrangements to remain the same until they are 18??

Zibbidoo the problem is that he didn't really have his children but expected SM with her own firstborn new baby to take care of them. If he couldn't than their mother should. Either one of their parents should have sorted it not used a SM as a free childcare.

And if he indeed just had his chldren..well he has an additional one now so needs to take care of ALL of them and a SM after c section should be resting.

why would I expect that when he used to have them in the week? And have done for the past 2 years?

Because he's a parent, and that's a 24/7 job. He can't just drop his kids because he's got a new partner who wants to see him at the weekends.

Contact arrangements are always changing with children. What if, heaven forbid, their mum can no longer care for them? Will you resent him stepping up and having his kids full-time? And teenagers often choose to live with their non-resident parent for a time - either because they think it'll be easier, or because they're not getting on with their mum, or because they want to be closer to friends/school.

If you and DP split up in the future and he has residency, would you really turn down time with your child for a new partner? I would hope not.

This is my point about it being hard for step moms. I am allowed to be upset that I don't get a weekend with him anymore. I don't moan or bitch to him but it's like people expect us not to have feelings?

It would be the same if I got to spend my whole weekend with him and he then decided to have his friends stay over all weekend, I'd have a right to be a bit sad then wouldn't I because I don't get my time with him?

It's no biggie I'm allowed feelings

Of course you're allowed your feelings, but you can't compare him seeing his children to him cancelling on you for his friends.

His kids will always be his priority. That will mean last-minute cancellations if they're sick, or need to be taken to a club/appointment and their mum is busy or unavailable. It means using his annual leave for training days, not being able to go away in school time - it means holidays being child-friendly, staying in on NYE because you can't afford a sitter, and not going to the nice restaurant because it's not child-friendly.

I think very few step-parents realise what they're getting into - it's bloody hard. I've been there. I was a bit older than you , though (25).I eventually left (for other reasons) but looking back I'm so glad I don't have to raise someone else's kids. Are you sure this is the life you want?