His ex is trying to move away with his child. Is there anything he can do?

[EvadneBadne]

Long story short. My partner has a child with his ex. They split up as she was cheating on him whilst he was in the military. His child was a toddler at the time. They haven't been together for years, and his child is now nearly 7. She adores him, they're attached at the hip, he pays his child maintenance without fail, and basically revolves his life around his daughter (which is one of the things I love about him). He's recently found out that his ex is thinking about moving away over 250 miles with his daughter and new boyfriend. My partner is heartbroken and a complete mess as his daughter is his works. It's like his world has been pulled from under him.

What are people's opinions on this? And is there anything at all he can do to prevent this from happening? I understand that adults want to move around and try new places, but is it really the best thing to take a daughter so far away from their parent?

Confused, lost, have no control over this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I moved 100 miles away from my Ex, and I really felt guilty and agonized over the decision. I’m so glad I did now, it was the best thing for me and my child.

So I’d start by saying, I do feel for your DP, it’s not easy. However having a happy Mum who loves and cares for his child in a stable environment is the key to his child’s wellbeing. If moving is going to give his child a happier main residence, then don’t fight it. Seeing a child every month for a weekend and more if it’s possible can keep up a very close supportive bond. Half of all holidays too.

My Ex resented it so much he’s damaged our child. He used it as an excuse to be constantly angry with me, put me down to our child, reduce contact (even though I did the traveling). Don’t let your DP do that. The knock on effect of using the Mum moving to be in conflict isn’t in the child’s best interests at all.

However, if the Mum has been difficult and awol it does sound as if a sensible and workable contact arrangement should be done soon with a court. You may have to compromise yourself, e.g. your DP may be away one weekend a month and it might make more sense to have the child for longer periods in the holidays than currently.

@Bananasinpyjamas11 having a happy Mum who loves and cares for his child in a stable environment is the key to his child’s wellbeing

I don't know that I would necessarily agree that this is a key to a child's wellbeing, but thank you for your input. He is absolutely going to fight this. She is already a very happy little girl and has voiced that she doesn't want to move. Very tough.

I have been in your position with a baby on the way. I had to make the decision to think firstly of my child. I couldn’t move with all that it entails and all of the sacrifice based on the limited information we ever received from the ex.
What happens if she isn’t happy there so they move back?
What happens if she and her partner decide to move elsewhere in a few years?
Do you just up and move again and follow?

Her mother should be thinking of protecting her daughters relationship with her father. And whilst it is great that you think about her too and what you can do, I don’t think you can make compensations for when her mother makes these decisions.

I was pregnant and it caused me undue stress and worry. I have lost many many nights stressing about trying to juggle making these two families work. My husbands Ex, declared her plans without any indication of thought or without any room for negotiation. I realised I was stressing myself needlessly. It just isn’t my job.
This makes me sound very hard. But I love my stepdaughter and I love my husband. But trying to second guess his Ex and follow her around when she moves is no way to live.
So call me selfish, but you need to think of yourself and your child. Very very sadly your husband will suffer - but that isn’t your fault.
And sadly, his daughter will suffer but again, that isn’t on you.

Having a happy mum isn't the only thing. Where the dad is very significant in the child's life the court will weigh up unhappy mother if no move against unhappy father if they do move. The days are long gone where happy mother is the most important consideration.

The days are long gone where happy mother is the most important consideration

I think you’ll find the courts have always tried to consider what is most likely to keep the child happy.

OP - be very wary of fighting and remember that whatever she tells you, she won’t necessarily have considered and understood the alternative. So, living with dad full time means staying put at current school and seeing dad every day - great. But it also means mum is now 250 miles away and she’s seeing her once a month instead - not so great. Children often frequently say what they think a parent wants to hear so can be saying conflicting things to their parents in a bid to keep everyone happy.

It is very difficult and I do hope you are able to reach a positive and amicable solution.

I think an earlier poster's point that you're only hearing from SD is valid - you need to get more detail. I'd be asking DH' ex for more details and simultaneously making a call to a solicitor.

I completely get all the people making the point that as you don't have her overnight during the week, her official nights are less. But... surely the court will take into account that you see her two days a week PLUS almost every weekend? if she moves away, that contact with her father (and in time, her sibling) will be massively reduced?

I have no step children but I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time here. I know plenty of "blended" families in which the concerns of each child are as important to both partners. This idea that the step child/step parent relationship is always difficult or that one child will be loved more than another is just silly. It can, of course, go that way. But equally, it can be a much more positive experience. I work with a woman in fact who, between her and her DH, have 6 children. All living mostly with them but as they're teenagers and there are good relationships with the other parents, it seems to be something of a revolving door. She considers all six her children, as does her DH.

OP I’m not minimizing the concern, the heart wrench of your DP. You seem to say that the girl is being well looked after by her Mum. Im just urging you both to think and consider before going in guns blazing for a ‘fight’. That may not be in the child’s best interests. Conflict is quite harmful for a child.

That doesn’t mean he just says ‘fine’ - just to weigh up the cost of anger, conflict, long battles. He could voice his concerns, seek negotiation, mediation. If their mother has considered the move, if it will help the ongoing happiness of the girls Family unit, and access is maintained, then the best way to help his child is to put his energy into his ongoing positive relationship with her. Without using this as a means to beat the mother for years.

You are at a very vulnerable time and understandably worried. Don’t move. Your DP shouldn’t either. Don’t panic and go into a frenzy of anti Mum. That can be hard to repair. Reassure your DP, be a moderate voice in the high emotions. It’ll be fine - his child will not lose her relationship with her father. Really not saying this is ideal, but it honestly can work out. Go to court if need be, but try other options first, keep steady and difficult as it is, don’t see moving vs not moving as the

How awful OP

I recently applied to University. Three local, two far away. One of the far away ones was a total stab in the dark, never thought I’d get accepted, but it runs my dream course. I got accepted. I also got accepted by an equally good local Uni (both RG) but the course isn’t exactly what I wanted. ExDP was fully supportive of me moving with our DCs as he’s known it’s what I’ve wanted for over a decade. Ultimately though? I could never look my DCs in the eyes if I’d made that Uni my Firm Choice. I just couldn’t do it. Nor could I have left DC with him and come back every other weekend. So I took the offer from a local Uni.

Personal opinion here but I think you should always be a parent first and a person second. What I wanted doesn’t even compare to the fact that my DC adore their Dad and see him often.

I would definitely apply to court.

I don't think you should move. She might be planning to move that far as a deliberate situation to separate the child from her dad. What would you do if she then moves another 250 miles away or moves back because she doesnt want you living near her? You can't spend your life following her around the country.

I agree with banana (that's a first :)), however devastating it might be, the right decision is what is best for the child, not the father and taking the mother to court to get residency is not forcibly what is right for the child.

The child is only 7 and it doesn't seem right that your OH would have spoken to her about it to the point of her saying that she doesn't want to move. She is too young to have this level of conversation when the move hasn't even been confirmed by the mother.

Your OH -and you- seem to be jumping the gun, questioning the child and already planning to go all gun blazing fighting in court. Has your OH actually contacted his ex to ask her about her plans? That's what he should have done before having this level of conversation with his daughter.

OP has said they are already in mediation. So I didn't have the impression her DP has gone in all guns blazing.

You're in a horrible situation - but sound lovely, considerate of all involved and very gracious in all your responses.

I have similar experience to this, except the move was sprung on us with only a few days warning. We never considered moving and I'm glad it wasn't an option as my whole life was/is here, including the wider family of all parents and step-parents.

DH chose not to fight it, because it was too late by the time we knew and he was advised he would look obstructive, but he deeply regretted that in the end as we had years of hellish travel (ex-P refused to help with the handovers) before she moved again to somewhere a little more convenient. In the meantime, contact was hugely expensive, compromised his career as a result of working flexibly, and exhausting for him.

I'd advise your DH to do what he can to prevent the move (prohibited steps order asap) but if he can't, get contact absolutely set in stone with ex tied into helping with the travel. A PP had helpful advice on specifying holiday dates etc.

Best of luck, be kind to yourself, and try to enjoy your pregnancy. This is not your responsibility and it shouldn't be you making enormous sacrifices. Ultimately, you cannot fix other people's problems nor should you feel its your responsibility when you haven't caused ANY of it.

Many people here seem to think the best for the child is to live far away from dad...

" Seeing a child every month for a weekend and more if it’s possible can keep up a very close supportive bond. Half of all holidays too. "

No it can't. One weekend a month is not much time. You can't be a real dad if you only spend one weekend a month with your child.

Would it be enough for you? Every woman who thinks that one or two weekends in a month is enough time should try it. Let your ex have the child and make yourself EOW mom.

Sorry i haven't RTFT but you are NOT being selfish to consider your career. What if this relationship doesn't work and you have given everything up? Even if it does work, your career is clearly an important part of what makes you feel like you. This is a really tough situation - you have to think about how you will feel if you uproot 250 miles based on his ex's choices. It effectively means her right to make choices about her own life being more important than yours. This could lead to a lot of resentment for you if you are 250 miles away from all support networks except your DP. Could he apply for a residence order? Or a prohibited steps order? His ex may find it very difficult to prove the move is in her DD's best interests if it removes her from regular contact with her DF AND her new sibling.

Op, any update?

I would definitely not move and focus on your career.I stupidly followed my ex, very similar circumstances to you and years later once I was dependant on ExH he became abusive and I was highly vulnerable as gave up a great well paid career.

As you are not married your risk is even higher.Ex had been ideal partner and appeared to adore me. I never saw it coming but MN is full of posts from women with a similar experience.

Sorry, haven’t read all the pages OP but I M stunned people are suggesting that you should give up your career and move away from your support network because your partner’s ex wants to move! Absolutely not.

Your career, your maternity package, your income and stability for your unborn child plus the support of family and friends nearby are extremely important. I’m not saying it would happen, but what if you give all this up to move far away, take up some entry level job with no family around and your relationship ends?

You have to put your child and your own needs first, followed by your partner’s needs. I absolutely understand that it would be heartbreaking to be away from his daughter, I can’t even imagine how that feels, but that doesn’t mean you have to screw up your life and stability. Let him work it out with her and the courts. You’d be crazy to give all that up.