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Step-parenting

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Original poster

His ex is trying to move away with his child. Is there anything he can do?

117 replies

EvadneBadne · 10/03/2018 08:59

Long story short. My partner has a child with his ex. They split up as she was cheating on him whilst he was in the military. His child was a toddler at the time. They haven't been together for years, and his child is now nearly 7. She adores him, they're attached at the hip, he pays his child maintenance without fail, and basically revolves his life around his daughter (which is one of the things I love about him). He's recently found out that his ex is thinking about moving away over 250 miles with his daughter and new boyfriend. My partner is heartbroken and a complete mess as his daughter is his works. It's like his world has been pulled from under him.

What are people's opinions on this? And is there anything at all he can do to prevent this from happening? I understand that adults want to move around and try new places, but is it really the best thing to take a daughter so far away from their parent?

Confused, lost, have no control over this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
EvadneBadne · 10/03/2018 14:13

Hi @LaurenOfArabia - I just wanted to know exactly what you meant before I responded. I am not very far along so we have only told a couple of people so far. We plan on waiting as long as possible to tell people, because I've had complications in the past so am not necessarily low risk.

It is very difficult. I'm so worried. I just don't want us to move, but feel like I'm keeping him from seeing his daughter if I don't. I'm sure it will all sort itself out. I'm hoping the courts will be able to help us.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 10/03/2018 14:14

EvadneBadne
they are currently in the process of mediation but ex is delaying things a little. Not sure of the reasons.

The reason maybe that the move is closer than you think.

Once it has happened there is very little chance it will be changed back.

Original poster
EvadneBadne · 10/03/2018 14:15

@BoneyBackJefferson this is why it is all recorded in mediation. They've not given her a very short deadline and if she doesn't attend, it will go to court. She will need to sell her house first, so it's not that close (we don't think). It's all very up in the air. We don't know much...

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 10/03/2018 14:26

Id always assume and prepare for the worst. And assume you don't have all the facts or all the right facts. Look at all options if the move went ahead. What are the travel options. Are there local flights. Like a pp I'm in france and kids fly all over.

There is no way in the world you should jack in your job though. Sorry I think that is utterly shocking advice.

I think you really need to look at ALL the variables here. Maintenance, nights, school, family etc etc. Get a good lawyer now and help them to build a good case. Don't wait til mediation fails.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/03/2018 14:27

EvadneBadne

She could rent then sell, or rent out her current property.

Given your position and how little you know, IMHO I think that you need to be talking to a solicitor and getting things put in place.

Original poster
EvadneBadne · 10/03/2018 14:27

Thank you @Wallywobbles - very sound advice. It's a tough time. It's making it hard to enjoy my pregnancy.

OP posts:
Original poster
EvadneBadne · 10/03/2018 14:28

@BoneyBackJefferson you're not the first person to say this. It's starting to sound like very good advice. Thank you.

OP posts:
shallichangemyname · 10/03/2018 14:28

A PP asked whether maintenance might be the issue on midweek overnights. It may well be. I often advise fathers in this situation to agree not to change the maintenance in order to get the contact, where the contact is more important than the money.
If you went to court over contact I can tell you that he'd be very likely to get overnight midweek. Surely it's less disruptive to stay put at your house rather than up sticks to go to the other house for bed.

If DP could get more nights now that improves his position on stopping the move. However, she's unlikely to agree.

But the issue here is the move not the overnights. What are her reasons for moving? Are they sound? What are their connections to where they are going?

In terms of following them, what if they move again? As PPs have said, if you stay put he will miss out on frequency but it's quality not quantity. It will be a radical change though because DP will miss out on day to day involvement. I can understand why DP would want to go but you would be sacrificing your career. There just isn't a right answer here it's Hobson's Choice.

Original poster
EvadneBadne · 10/03/2018 14:41

@shallichangemyname thank you. The money isn't an issue. I've never heard him complain about it once. He would drain his savings if it meant he got to see his daughter. I would help him also.

The extra nights, whilst it's not the main issue, is still an issue. I am able to take her to and pick her up from work, and I understand that this may be hard for his ex. It's just the way life goes however. There are going to be other people involved in her daughters life now. The same can be said for her new partner (who we of course have no problem with).

Problem is, we have no idea why she is moving, and like I said, unless his daughter didn't come to us and voice her concerns about not being able to see her dad, we wouldn't have known.

Going to talk to my partner about a solicitor this weekend. You've been so, so helpful. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
EvadneBadne · 10/03/2018 14:41

@shallichangemyname I mean from school, not work! Bit young for a paper round yet!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/03/2018 15:30

Sounds like the move is very much happening and DD has let the cat out the bag Angry

shallichangemyname · 10/03/2018 15:31

Well that's a big black mark for her that she was making plans without discussion and that even now he has no idea why.
Definitely see a solicitor ASAP. In spite of the mediation he needs to start properly positioning himself.

meme70 · 10/03/2018 15:35

I haven’t red all the replies so I apologise if what I say has been covered

Go to cafcass get a court order in place that she can’t gake him an unreasonable distance away.

My husbands ex did this moved 200 miles here when they lived away and he moved here to be there for his daughter he was single and self employed at the time so easier but it was hard for him knowing no one here

I don’t think she can be stopped but she may witha. Court order

shallichangemyname · 10/03/2018 15:49

You don't go to CAFCASS. You go to the court. CAFCASS provides a report within any proceedings.
You need the solicitor to write and formally ask her plans, her reasons and her proposals re contact, schooling etc. And an explanation why this was not properly disclosed well in advance. And finally an undertaking that she will not move until this is agreed through mediation or ordered by the court.

shallichangemyname · 10/03/2018 15:50

A formal letter is urgent if she has already started planning.

secretskillrelationships · 10/03/2018 15:55

It's not a foregone conclusion that she'll be given permission to move by the courts any more. I know of a case where the mother was refused permission to move. Her primary reason for moving was for new partner, away from family and the distance was much less. IIRC the court was concerned to maintain the father's relationship with the children and the distance meant that he would be unable to see them during the week. In another case, mother was prohibited from leaving the county in spite of being on benefits and struggling emotionally and financially. She would have considered moving closer to her family but he got a ruling before she even had a chance to consider it. He then got a new girlfriend and dropped the kids! So, two different scenarios in which court ruled against a move.

reallyanotherone · 10/03/2018 16:21

@WhiteCat1704 What a disgusting thing to say! That his current partner is his 'priority' over his current child??????? IS IT HELL!!!! Children first. ALWAYS!

Maybe the mother should prioritise her child over her current partner? If she was putting the child first she wouldn't move and the 0/p and her partner wouldn't have a problem.

The mother is the one here choosing her partner. Choosing to take the child away from her father.

The mother is allowed to move on, get a new partner, have more children, change her life.

Are all nr fathers expected to stay single, and develop no ties in case the mother of his child chooses to take the child away and he needs to follow?

Many men actually want to be fathers. For many it is "heart wrenching" as vitality pointed out, to be separated from their child, to not live with them, put them to bed every day, make them breakfast. Not to live a family life. "second families" may seem heartless to some, and about forgetting the first, but often they give a nrp the family that they wanted and had taken from them.

RockPaperCut · 10/03/2018 16:24

If you are going to ‘fight it’ just be prepared for a very long drawn out, stressful process. Slightly different situation in that I made the application for a 50 mile move. It’s been tens of thousands, 9 months and 6 hearings thus far. There are certain criteria which will need to be met in order for such a move to be rubber stamped by a court. In the meantime you really need to be pushing for mid-week overnights, if that’s what you/dc would like.

meme70 · 10/03/2018 16:26

shallichangemyname
Actually my husband was taken to court as his ex went to cafcass about her demanding my husband pays and provides all childcare and everything they’re child needs
He was given no kegftwe of explanation just court patters with a date of 7 weeks time
So you are wrong
The judge told this women she’s pathetic and need to be the mother she is

Original poster
EvadneBadne · 10/03/2018 16:27

@reallyanotherone I understand what you're saying, but this baby we are having isn't a replacement. He's not going to move on from his daughter: we are one big family and that's what we are fighting to keep!

OP posts:
WhiteCat1704 · 10/03/2018 16:57

OP it's just not that simple in blended families especially with your set up - i.e unreasonable ex and no communication with your DP. You are supportive you go with great intentions but those women and sometimes, later, children will never accept you...you WANT to be one big family but you aren't..your DP and his DD are a family..his DD has a mother, she will always be the most important to her..no matter how much crap you and your child will go through for that girl it will not be appreciated. No matter what sacrifices you make you will always by an outsider when DP and his DD are concerned..

Whatever you decide don't give up your career.

Original poster
EvadneBadne · 10/03/2018 17:22

@WhiteCat1704 of course we will be a family. I'm not trying to be her mother, however my child will be her biological sibling and that is what I would consider family. I don't think that is good advice at all. I have never been treated like an outsider and actually, I have a huge involvement in her life. She appreciates it and shows me that she does. My partner ensures that this is so. Your post is very belittling to step-parents and blended families (I can't stand that term). My parents' partners played a huge role in my life from a young age and still do. I consider them both to be family. Me, my partner, his daughter and the rest of our relatives are one big family, regardless of where we live. I think it is very naive so assume that no step-parent will ever be accepted. It's verging on ridiculous, actually...

OP posts:
swingofthings · 10/03/2018 17:37

Problem is, we have no idea why she is moving, and like I said, unless his daughter didn't come to us and voice her concerns about not being able to see her dad, we wouldn't have known.
So you really don't know what the situation is. Your SD might have heard something and put two and two together. There's no point getting all stressed about it at this point, let alone feeling guilty about not moving yourself when she hasn't even yet said that's what she was doing.

Enjoy your pregnancy and relax.

Magda72 · 10/03/2018 17:46

@EvadneBadne - that's a horrible situation for you. However (& I'm speaking as a dm & a sm) not all blended families (you may not like the term but that's what they are) are one big happy family.
It sounds like you had a very positive step experience growing up but it doesn't always work out like that.
Your dps ex is going to view her family as her, her bf & her dd. For whatever reason she wants to move & start afresh. You & your dp view your family as you, dp, dsd & new baby & you want to maintain that status quo (understandably).
However you can't control the ex & if she does move there are going to be changes in your situation which you unfortunately can't control.
I think you giving up your job & moving would truly be the worst thing you could do for you, & if down the line your relationship with your dsd hits a rocky patch (which it may or may not do) you could end up resentful & regretful. Self sacrifice is only ok up to a certain point - these boards are full of sm's who put themselves last & got little or no thanks for it.

Magda72 · 10/03/2018 17:52

Ps - good advice from @swingofthings re dd possibly getting the wrong end of the stick?

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