His ex is trying to move away with his child. Is there anything he can do?

[EvadneBadne]

Long story short. My partner has a child with his ex. They split up as she was cheating on him whilst he was in the military. His child was a toddler at the time. They haven't been together for years, and his child is now nearly 7. She adores him, they're attached at the hip, he pays his child maintenance without fail, and basically revolves his life around his daughter (which is one of the things I love about him). He's recently found out that his ex is thinking about moving away over 250 miles with his daughter and new boyfriend. My partner is heartbroken and a complete mess as his daughter is his works. It's like his world has been pulled from under him.

What are people's opinions on this? And is there anything at all he can do to prevent this from happening? I understand that adults want to move around and try new places, but is it really the best thing to take a daughter so far away from their parent?

Confused, lost, have no control over this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Good luck.

Thanks @clarevoyent

OP, don't give up your career. You have worked so hard to get where you are. It would be too much of a sacrifice. 250 miles away is very difficult, but it's not the other side of the world. Your DP will still be able to maintain contact.

Thanks @Time40 - I started to think I was being unreasonable to consider my career and my baby, but it really would be a huge sacrifice. Very lost.

Agreed. Don't give up the career.

Why is it the o/p who has to “realise”’all this. OP was trying to know how it would feel not be close to their own child, how is that possible if one hasn't got a child yet.

The ex already has her own child. She should “realise” how heart wrenching it is to be away from her child, and she should not be putting moving to be with a new partner above the needs of her own child. I agree. which was in one of my PP.

Double standards. Plus the child thay already exists will be moved away from her school, friends and family. Again, I don't disagree with that.

for my child to not have the life I worked so hard to give them. What would your child be missing out on, genuine question.

@Vitalogy my career offers me flexible working, so I would have an extra day to spend with my child per week. I am able to leave early to pick up from school and can work from home so I can also drop to school in the morning. My child's family would be here so they would get to grow up around them. I am on a very good pay so can afford good schools, hobbies, a nice house. I would get childcare vouchers, more than the standard parental leave, 7 weeks holiday to spend with my child, a choice of excellent nurseries, support from my family. A family is all I have ever wanted, and after a number of traumatic miscarriages, I now have the chance to. I worked so hard to get to this point to be able to be stable and start a family that wouldn't have to worry about finances and time spent together. I know how hard it is to not have all of these things, surely it is my right to want to give my child the best upbringing possible and I am so lucky to be in that position. How can people not see how hard that would be to give up?

Does DSD stay overnight at weekends?

@shallichangemyname she does yes. Friday after school up until Sunday evening.

I do see how difficult it might be to give that up but unfortunately your partner is, potentially, in a situation where he gives up regular contact with one or the other of his children. It is not wrong to look for ways to try and not have that happen - which means, perhaps, a compromise on the part of the OP. It is clearly a compromise too far and it’s of course OK to take that stance.

These thing are clearly stressful for all concerned. To paint the ex as selfish without knowing her side of it isn’t particularly helpful. Life moves on and unfortunately that sometimes means making difficult decisions we’d rather not.

I know this isn't the issue you posted about but if it's ok at weekends then it's ok on school nights and DP should be pushing for week day overnights. If it's set nights it shouldn't be an issue with routine and you just need to make sure you have your own school uniform.
The more overnights he has the better for stopping the move (although that ship has probably sailed).

Child's wishes will NOT be paramount at age 7 but will be relevant.

OP, I don't want to keep going on at you, so I'll leave it here, I was going to last time but someone quoted me. End. Good luck.

Thank you @shallichangemyname

Unfortunately weekday overnights are a no no as his ex will absolutely not agree to them. Hopefully through mediation this will change. I seem to have divided opinions here. Your input has been really appreciated.

Op..this might sound bad but just let it go...100% don't move and give up on your job. It's your DP that should find a solution not you..you are pregnant and need to think about you first..If he loses contact with his Dd it's because of her mothers decisions not you...In the long run it might be better for your relarionship anyway.

I feel sorry for your DP but he has made choices and having family with you has been one of them, he now needs to prioritise ans in this situation his ex is not the priority..

He might have his DD over holidays a lot more and while less frequent it could work out ok..

Thanks @WhiteCat1704 - and for not making me feel like I should be the one making sacrifices to fix this. If only the world really were that black and white. My priority is my baby, and also to be as supporting as I can to my partner. I really just hope this all works out.

Wonder if his ex refusal for weekday overnights is about the impact it would have on maintenance and the fact it would make it more difficult for her to "win" a court case to move away...

@RandomMess the thought has crossed my mind but I've learnt that this kind of speculation will only drive you mad, so I try not to think about it...

@WhiteCat1704 What a disgusting thing to say! That his current partner is his 'priority' over his current child??????? IS IT HELL!!!! Children first. ALWAYS!

Does she know you're pregnant? Seems like quite the co-incidence.

@LaurenOfArabia are you implying that this is the reason I got pregnant? Or that she is moving away because I am pregnant?

@MotherofaSurvivor I agree that both of his children should be his priority. He's not the sort of man who would choose one over the other. This isn't about his ex anyway so whilst I appreciated that @WhiteCat1704 was being supportive, I do agree with you. I am trying to avoid arguments here however as I know how these threads can go...

Is the ex boyfriend living nearby? If so, why are they moving so far away? Or is it that he lives there and he can't give up his job?

Unless he has a career which would be difficult to transfer, earning a very good salary, and he has no choice but to relocate, then I don't have any sympathy for her. If she chose to date someone living so far away, then it was indeed a selfish thing to do from the start knowing that this situation could come up.

Being angry at her won't change the situation though and please tell your OH to consider his decision to fight for residency carefully. My mum did exactly the same when I was 7 too, moved 300 miles away (for work although she didn't need to take up that job), and although I did miss my dad a lot, I never wished to have lived with him rather than with my mum. My mum and dad came up to an agreement though that my dad didn't need to pay any maintenance any longer, but would pay for me flying to see him which I did every other weekends and most holidays. It meant a good hour drive to the airport on both sides, but at least contact remained and I loved flying, which I was able to do alone with an assistant. That was in France and many divorced kids do the same there.

It lasted 3 years and my mum decided to move back closer to my dad, but I still didn't see him every other weekend, so really was no different. I still remained very close to my dad during my childhood and teenage years and continued as an adult.

Your OH will miss her, but relationships are much more about quality than quantity. You are clearly a very supportive SM, so you can make it work but from experience, your SC will be more settled if he accepts the decision and come up with compromises like my parents did rather than fight for custody, which I know would have left me very confused and frightened. It's not worth it.

Gosh op what a situation!

If I was you I would certainly not be thinking about a move!

Kindly this child or situation is not your problem. You should not take this sort of burden in!

It’s the parents issue and I would let them sort it out.

Focus on yourself and the baby.

Don’t give your life up for this man and his child.

I'm wondering if she's moving for sound or selfish reasons, OP. As I intimated before, I think moving children away like this is all kinds of wrong. So what, I'm wondering, are her motives?

I also agree with not giving up your career. And I'm sorry, it all sounds incredibly difficult.

MotherofaSurvivor I said his ex is not the priority, I didn't mention his first child. However he has already made choices that mean his first child is not going to come first. He has a partner. She is pregnant. If he wanted to devote his life to his DD he should have never gotten into a relationship and he should have never gotten OP pregnant.

As things stand his relationship with his DD will suffer because of her mother but if he never got into this new relationship he could have followed her. Now he can't really..I do feel sorry for him but he has made choices...and it's not up to OP to fix it or sacrifice her life for his EXes choices.