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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How can a father decide to see his sons less.

74 replies

Daddydoodoo · 04/03/2018 21:47

Advice welcome...
My wife currently has an arrangement in place for my step sons to see their dad every weekend. One week sat through sun and one week Sun only. He has decided after 5 years of this he now only wants to see them every fortnight. He has told the boys it's due to his work forcing him to now work weekends.
My wife has taken it really badly as she is worried the boys won't cope seeing their dad once every 14 days.
Can he just change this arrangement when he pleases? It was arranged informally without requiring legal agreement.
How do we explain to his sons he has chosen to see them less.

OP posts:

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mimarbia · 04/03/2018 21:52

Has he chosen to see them less or does he not have a choice? If work have told him he has to work weekends he hasn't got any other option, however if he has to work weekends he will have days off in the week instead so maybe it could be suggested he has them then? Or do you think he is using work as an excuse?

corlan · 04/03/2018 21:52

How do we explain to his sons he has chosen to see them less.
It's up to him to explain that.

I'm sorry for your step sons but unfortunately this is not uncommon. My DDs father went from seeing her once a week to once every few months. Children are resilient and they get used to it.They don't have to like it but they get used to it.

Original poster

Daddydoodoo · 04/03/2018 22:02

He works for hrmc, so I beleive they are a very supportive employer and they can't force him to work weekends as I beleive he has rights as a care. Regardless he has decided in his words that he isn't going to dispute it with his employers. I honestly think he just doesn't like having them on the Sunday. My wife suggested spending time on week nights with them as he would get additional week days off as a result of weekends. He has a 2 year old daughter with his new partner and he said he couldn't see the boys as he he looks after her on these days.

He told the boys today he was reducing time but it saddens me that he said to them it was partly their mums fault as she wasn't being flexible!

OP posts:

NorthernLurker · 04/03/2018 22:05

Well the working thing is bollocks. As is not having his sons when looking after his daughter. There is nothing you can do about this however. He's a shit father. Just try and be the best stepdad you can, they will remember that.

Original poster

Daddydoodoo · 05/03/2018 05:06

Thanks for the support. Sometimes it just helps to talk to someone to get the frustration out. Would never want the boys to see that.

OP posts:

Wallywobbles · 05/03/2018 05:15

Such a tough one. How old are the boys? And honestly he's such a cunt for blaming your wife. I'm not sure I could let that one go in fact I know I wouldn't. But you might be bigger people than I am.

Could you suggest he has Friday from after school to Sunday on the one weekend?

Original poster

Daddydoodoo · 05/03/2018 06:12

We suggesting picking the boys age 7 and 5 up straight from school on Friday as they finish at 12pm. He could have taken them to swimming lessons then had the rest of the day / evening with them but he replied saying he would pick then up from 7pm on Fridays. I didn't agree to that as Friday is often the only time I get with the boys, we watch a movie together and I enjoy taking them swimming. I was willing to give up that time but not so he can pick them up at 7pm and take them home then straight to bed. That isn't quality time with thier dad.

I don't need to go mental at him my wife does a good job of challenging his actions. And to be honest he doesn't care. I suppose I a few years when the boys understand more they will look back on his actions and he will be judged by them. We have kept all his messages and all my wife's messages she sent explaining how important it is for the boys to have time with him.

Its frustrating we are having to change all our family time and plans with just 5 days notice from thier dad.

OP posts:

StringandGlitter · 05/03/2018 06:19

Is there a financial agreement. Presumably if your wife is having them for more days each year the father needs to pay her more support.

Prettylovely · 05/03/2018 06:45

Daddydoodoo

"We suggesting picking the boys age 7 and 5 up straight from school on Friday as they finish at 12pm. He could have taken them to swimming lessons then had the rest of the day / evening with them but he replied saying he would pick then up from 7pm on Fridays. I didn't agree to that as Friday is often the only time I get with the boys, we watch a movie together and I enjoy taking them swimming. I was willing to give up that time but not so he can pick them up at 7pm and take them home then straight to bed. That isn't quality time with thier dad."

That makes no sense, What do you mean you were willing to give up this time but not so he can take them home at 7pm? You wouldnt have to, I dont think your wife should have denied him access for the friday evening, It means they get to wake up at their Dads an extra morning, Is this where he is telling your kids that your wife isnt being flexible? Sounds like she isnt.

pinkhorse · 05/03/2018 06:55

So he was having them every Sunday and every other week Saturday as well? Why was it not the standard every other weekend?
If he has to work then he's not choosing not to see them is he. I think you sound over involved.

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/03/2018 07:07

How would he pick them up at midday if he is working?

SpareASquare · 05/03/2018 07:22

I didn't agree to that as Friday is often the only time I get with the boys, we watch a movie together and I enjoy taking them swimming. I was willing to give up that time but not so he can pick them up at 7pm and take them home then straight to bed. That isn't quality time with thier dad

WTF?

Your last post says a whole lot OP and none of it complementary to you

SciFiG33k · 05/03/2018 08:31

Do you usually make it difficult for the boys to see their dad? If you do its no wonder he is giving up and saying it's the mums fault. Why are you dictating what happens on the Friday, it should be between the boys parents.
Agree to the 7pm Fridays every other weekend and possibly see if he could also do drop off to school on the Monday rather than home on sunday.

SandyY2K · 05/03/2018 09:23

I didn't agree to that as Friday is often the only time I get with the boys,

Why wasn't it up yo his mum to agree or disagree?

Surely it's more important they spend time with their dad than you.

You mention being willing to give up time with them. This isn't about you...It's about the boys.

Plus...you live with them..so how is Friday night the only time you have with them.

If he takes them at 7pm on a Friday...they could stay up late and have fun... as no school the next day.

You (and your wife) could fo eith rethinking the Friday night, because he could also be keeping messages to show them later and they may decide Friday from 7pm would have been better than nothing.

Magda72 · 05/03/2018 09:26

If I'm right their dad had them 3 days & 1 nights out of 14. He now wants to change that to 2 days, 2 nights & one evening (the Friday) our of 14.
That's not reduced contact, that's just changing the contact.
He shouldn't be telling the kids your wife is at fault but it does sound like you and your wife are trying to dictate when he sees his kids which isn't really fair especially when he has come to your wife with a reasonable plan.
Tbh eow is often better for kids especially as they get older.

SandyY2K · 05/03/2018 09:27

Typo

Why wasn't it up TO his mum to agree or disagree?

You (and your wife) could DO WITH

Peeetle · 05/03/2018 09:38

Just let his dad have them at 7 on a Friday. You are all being inflexible here.

TempusEejit · 05/03/2018 09:47

That Friday evening wouldn't be a waste, there's something rather special about being to wake up slowly with your kids on a Saturday morning and have breakfast with them without rushing them out of the door for school.

This seems to be about you wanting to dictate when dad has his boys and if he doesn't agree with what you think he should be doing then all of a sudden he "wants" to see them less. As the non resident parent if he gebnuinely wants to see them less he's well within his rights not to suggest an extra day at all, it's actually he who calls the shots in this, not you.

All you needed to tell the boys is "daddy has to work so he'll see you on a different day instead" - at those ages they'd get past any initial upset pretty quickly if the news is presented to them as a necessary change from all sides - a totally matter of fact attitude takes any away feeling of it being personal against them, just like together parents where one has to work away for instance - no one would imply to the kids in that situation yeah your dad/mum works away because they don't love you! (unless there's another drip feed coming and he pays no maintenance so him working doesn't benefit his boys that much).

GobbyLino · 05/03/2018 10:02

I was with you until your last post. YOU are not willing to give up that time? You'll still get to take them swimming if he picks them up at 7pm. Coming from someone who is in a very similar situation to your wife you are massively overstepping your boundaries. They are his children. That journey home with them and them waking up at his on a Saturday is extra quality time. You're being massively unreasonable to try to dictate to this man when and how he sees his children. And unfair on your stepsons too.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/03/2018 10:32

Point taken that OP shouldn't be putting what he wants into this equation at all - but come on, Dad can't be buggered to do the swimming lesson but is completely up for still getting his Friday night and consequent maintenance adjustment as long as all he has to do is put them to bed after all the legwork has been done?

Ok.

He's tried to manipulate the children by telling them that it's their mum's fault he's dropped the time he has with them. That is the most important aspect here. He isn't a good dad.

TempusEejit · 05/03/2018 10:39

But Fizzy it is the mum's fault that he can't do Fridays (I'm guessing he wouldn't finish work on time to take them swimming at 5pm), if he doesn't say anything then the alternative message is "yeah your mum and stepdad are right, I don't love you enough to see you" which IMO would be more damaging to them.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/03/2018 10:47

Oh and yes absolutely if I were your wife I'd be very clear that I was completely surprised at the 'misunderstanding' over being flexible and was reassuring the boys that yes, we were all working very hard and being completely flexible so that Daddy can see them just as much :)

TempusEejit · 05/03/2018 10:51

Also him having his kids on a Friday night wouldn't influence an adjustment for maintenance because both his current and proposed arrangements would still fall in the 52 to 103 (1 to 2 nights a week) bracket for CMS. If their mum is really that worried about them going 13 days without seeing him she shouldn't be kicking off about the Fridays.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 05/03/2018 11:10

Why is your time with the children more important than time with their father?

SandyY2K · 05/03/2018 12:11

Just let his dad have them at 7 on a Friday.

100% this ^...^^

Why is your time with the children more important than time with their father?

This ^...^...^

How would you feel if someone tried to dictate when you can see your children?

Their dad isn't choosing to see them less.. you are the one making it difficult for him.

I just can't get over you saying this didn't agree to that as Friday is often the only time I get with the boys

Think about what you've said. You don't agree and you are refusing to let your stepsons see their father on those Fridays.

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