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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

First time step mum! Help.

28 replies

Anonymous91 · 03/03/2018 03:15

I feel so bad/immature/useless writing this but I’m in desperate need of advice or tips. I have been with my partner nearly a year and he has 2 beautiful children, boy age 1 and girl age 6. I also have a son aged 7. We all new eachother years ago when he was still with his wife (i had nothing to do with there separation nor was I around or in their lives at that time). Right now he has day-to-day care of his children but the custody battle is very very messy. Him and his ex wife do not communicate and she has recently got supervised visitation 3 times a week and also 10minuyes twice a week to visit there daughter at school (which I do not agree with as it’s not helping the situation with there daughters struggles at school) anyway I thought for a long while that I/we were making progress. We were all building really good relationships and my partner and I had been building really good foundations but recently things have changed drastically. His daughter is blatantly disrespecting me, will compare me to her mother, tell her father how much she doesn’t want to be here and she will constantly talk about her mother while her father isn’t around and bring up memories that she has of her father and mother (she uses this as a way to disrespect as she knows that this behaviour is not allowed). I’m getting to a point of confusion and I am just lost as to what to do. I am trying everything I know to try. It is very difficult because of the custody battle I feel like I’m walking on egg shells atm. Her mother doesn’t help the situation as she is mentally unstable but I don’t and never have spoken an ill word about her to her daughter. My partner is good at disciplining in a gentle but stern way, he balances things well and he is doing everything right by his children, myself and my son but I feel frustration always towards his daughter and I’m worried I could effect this relationship even more if I do not learn how to deal with all of the situations and problems we are dealing with atm. And in the mean time my son gets less attention because we are/have been concentrating on helping my SD. Help before I lose my mind? How do I cope and does anybody have any tips? (I love my SD to bits but I am struggling).

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 03/03/2018 03:39

The boy is1 and you are with his dad for a year. Thats very messy. He didn't hang around long after his child was born.
And that little girl must be really missing her dm and the life she had with both her parents. Its so hard to adjust. Her parents are only seperated one year and she has a new mom in her home.
I feel sorry for her not allowed to talk about her parents when they were together. Has she had counselling or playtherapy. Poor kid.

IShouldReallyNamechange · 03/03/2018 03:46

You need to take a step back. The poor girls world has just fallen apart, she needs to be able to talk about it!

IlikemyTeahot · 03/03/2018 04:47

"His daughter is blatantly disrespecting me, will compare me to her mother, tell her father how much she doesn’t want to be here and she will constantly talk about her mother while her father isn’t around and bring up memories that she has of her father and mother (she uses this as a way to disrespect as she knows that this behaviour is not allowed)"

My advice is to look back at this here. I appreciate that this is difficult for you but you really need to change that particular point of view of yours (I've highlighted above.)

6 years of what the lil girl thought was a stable life has just been flipped upside down!
Any child will react to small changes in environment. I'm sure you already know that.
But she is not 'disrespecting' you by talking about her mum.
It hasn't been a long time, she still needs to process this. And please note, respect is earned. Not just a right because you are dad's girlfriend. The girl needs to know she can trust you and if the above is your general attitude toward her then she will notive and play on it.

Previous posters have recommended play therapy which will help her work through her confusion and be able to discuss with someone who has the right answers. One thing you can try is some one on one bonding time with each child.
If he hasn't already her father should really take some time to discuss her mum and also make it clear you are not a replacement but an additional person to love her and her lil bro.
If she brings up her mum to you again just respond as positively as you can (even if you don't mean it)
Some kids just like to 'test the waters' perhaps it's because no-one else has let her talk about her mum she may have chosen you to vent to. It may seem hurtful to you but children that age don't have what it takes to be malicious she's just making these comparisons for herself. wieghing up the pros and cons as it were!
There's every chance she's going to her mum saying the same kind of things but in your favour.

I'm sure she will warm up to you eventually just be patient with her.

It might help to hold regular family meetings and let the kids discuss how they are feeling about everything and you parents must take the time to listen and reassure them.
Another point for a meeting is that both parents need to discuss their expectations regarding behaviour, including consequences and rewards.
It's important for them to see your all on the same team now.
Whatever the situation with your sons father, your LO has also had some changes to adjust to even before the other kids moved in. He needs to be able to talk about it too, from past to present.
You never know your son might be able to help the girl understand her feelings about 'losing' a parent.

lunar1 · 03/03/2018 07:21

She knows she's not allowed to talk about memories of her mum? She's six and that rule is disgusting.

A six year old should not be expected to repress her feelings to spare the idiot adults feelings.

QueenOfIce · 03/03/2018 08:11

You aren't her step mum you aren't married to her dad, She sounds like she's having a difficult time she's only 6 what are you expecting from her? It comes across as though you are trying to step into the mother role. You can't she has a Mum and no matter how you feel about her it would be lovely if you could find a way to facilitate a good relationship between her and her Mum.

stitchglitched · 03/03/2018 08:14

You need to back off. Why are you so involved so soon? Why is her Dad pushing a new blended family onto his kids when he should be concentrating on supporting them through the breakdown of their family unit and whatever issue has caused their mother to only get supervised contact. And telling a 6 year old child that she is not allowed to speak about memories of her parents is frankly abusive.

CrabappleBiscuit · 03/03/2018 08:20

You are way too involved way too soon. That’s the problem. Back off for you and your son’s sake.

The little girl is grieving for the life she had before she needs time and help to do that, but probably, this might sound harsh, no5 from you.

CrabappleBiscuit · 03/03/2018 08:21

Ps I’m a step mum, it’s effing hard at times, I hav3 sympathy for you. But really read my comment above.

CosmicCanary · 03/03/2018 08:23

You say you feel confused and dont know how to deal with this and you are an adult...can you imagine what this is like for a 6 yo?

For her it must have been no time at all since her parents split up and changed her world before he was with somebody new. Plus a new sibling in the middle of all this.

As for stating the ex is mentally unstable I am not surprised given she has had to cope with pregnancy, birth and the break up of her marriage in the last 18 months or so!! Not to mention having to deal with her ex moving on so quickly.

Why the hell the two adults could not have waited and allowed time for this little girl to adjust is nothing short of selfish.

You asked for advice here it is. Give her time to adjust and do not expect her to accept this just so life is good for the adults. If she wants to talk about mum then let her. If she wants to compare yoj to her mum then let her. Any attempt to punish her or stop her talking about mum will cause this 6 yo even more distress.

swingofthings · 03/03/2018 08:27

Unfortunately, you are now paying the consequences of the very poor decision your OH -and you by going with it- made a year ago by putting you in a position to actually replace her mother.

If your OH had cared to put his kids' needs first, he would have prioritised settling his kids and giving him his full attention, rather than focusing on his building relationship with you and moving you in to share his parental role.

His daughter is not being naughty or disrespectful, she is voicing her emotional pain the only way she knows how. For you and her dad not to recognise this and only care about the impact it has on you is very sad.

Has everyone has said, the only way forward is to take a step back. These kids might have an inadequate mother, but that doesn't mean that replacing her by you is what's best for them. Their father needs to take on the vast majority of his parenting role (as many single parents do), help his children build a healthy bond with their mother, and respect that you are his new partner, not his kids new mum.

How much do you get involved with every day parental tasks? Does he do most of them and only expect you to help when he can't or he struggles, or has he pass on most of the responsibilities to you?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 03/03/2018 09:00

So I find myself asking....just what it is it that mum did to justify the removal of a tiny baby from her care? What does ‘mentally unstable’ actually mean? Because it sounds like something previously married women with abusive exes would say had been unfairly said about them.

Ginger1982 · 03/03/2018 09:02

I feel sorry for your SD. You got with her dad right after he split from her Mum and she's not allowed to talk about memories? You both sound incredibly selfish.

LittleMe03 · 03/03/2018 09:15

Can you explain why this isn't allowed??

AutumnalTed · 03/03/2018 09:21

She needs to be allowed to talk about her mum. She needs to know you are not her mum and are not taking that place.
OP I think your rules are what’s making things worse, not their mum seeing them for 10 minutes a day at school twice a week with supervised access. She turns up for 10 minutes, she makes the effort for such a short amount of time. There’s plenty of parents that don’t bother because one day a week isn’t worth it!
You REALLY need to back off. That’s her mum. Her mum and dad were together not too long ago and her whole world has flipped upside down.

thethoughtfox · 03/03/2018 09:24

This is horrific. You need to withdraw and your partner needs to rebuild his life with his children alone. He made poor decision embarking on a serious relationship when his children need him.

thethoughtfox · 03/03/2018 09:25

Everything that Swingofthings said.

BangBangPurple · 03/03/2018 09:27

Let the poor girl talk about her mother whenever she wants to. Nobody would try to censor who you talk about and when in your own home, how is it fair for her?

swingofthings · 03/03/2018 09:33

she will constantly talk about her mother while her father isn’t around and bring up memories that she has of her father and mother (she uses this as a way to disrespect as she knows that this behaviour is not allowed)
I didn't take from this that OP was saying that she's not allowed to talk about her mum, but that OP sees it as a manipulative way to upset OP, which is what OP refers as being disrespectful and that it is the disrespect that is not allowed.

Saying that, it still makes it all about OP's feelings rather than the emotional turmoil that child is expressing which of course comes out in a hurtful way because that's what she feels, hurt and confusion and that's the only way she knows to express it.

Beanteam · 03/03/2018 09:36

I'm not sure what you mean by the talking about her mother. I don't imagine it is that you have decided you don't want to hear about her. Might be more like not reliving unpleasant events in the previous home or something.
Don't try to fix everything. Put your self in your SD's shoes. Broken home, unstable DM, DF who has moved on and now has another child in his life. I would try to be a nice aunty. Don't take on her issues with her DM, V strange that the DM is visiting at school. Just be a steady adult in her life. And let it take as long as it takes for her to like you. Let DH deal with DSD's problems, it's not your place.

lifeandtheuniverse · 03/03/2018 09:43

yet again 2 selfish adults:

This little girl in the past 18 months has had to:

1.come to terms with new baby coming

new baby arrives

3.within a month Daddy leaves

she is taken away from her Mum
made to live with Dad and new baby on her own
you are on the scene from the start
you move in - seems like instantly

8.she is not allowed to talk about her Mum 9.she is punished if she talks about her Mum

And you wonder why she is struggling. She does not understand "mental instability" - are we talking post natal depression because if it is, then I can only feel absolutely sadness for the poor woman. I would assume that it is nothing too serious otherwise would this wonderful man have another child with this woman.

YOur poor SD does not deserve you or her father completely screwing up her life. Thank god the baby is too young to understand.

If you learn anything from this forum - that is time, not rushing children, time oh and time and time and time.

A few weeks after leaving the mother of his children, you are in her place -the timing is well suspect can we say!!!

swingofthings · 03/03/2018 09:58

Thanks thethoughtfox.

OP, don't take this as a criticism of your actions, you start your thread saying you are upset and sad, and clearly wants to sort it out, but you might have been too eager to do well from the start and as such ended up doing too much and you are now finding you're not getting what you'd envisioned back.

What is wrong though is not what you're not getting but what you gave in the first place.

SandyY2K · 03/03/2018 11:21

When she talks about her mum...listen to her...ask more questions, smile and come across as interested in what she's saying...engage with her...don't act like talk of her mum is forbidden.

She may have a very different response if you appear interested.

If she's doing it to get at you...You being interested will make her stop. If you get my point.

I agree that a lot has happened in the last couple of years for her and it must be rather confusing.

In order to avoid your son being left out...carve out time to spend with him alone...where he is the focus of your attention.

I bet

Prettylovely · 03/03/2018 11:35

What Lifeandtheuniverse said.

I am a stepmother and I feel really sorry for your SD, you and your partner have rushed into this relationship which is why it is causing carnage.

FrancisCrawford · 03/03/2018 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

swingofthings · 03/03/2018 13:30

Her mother doesn’t help the situation as she is mentally unstable
This made me wonder whether mum suffered from postnatal depression after the birth of her son. If so, and she is now getting better, I can understand the custody issue and how the whole things must have been totally distabilising for the poor girl, especially if she had a good relationship with her mum and suddenly stopped having any contact with her, whilst expected to get close to someone who took her place.

We all new eachother years ago when he was still with his wife (i had nothing to do with there separation nor was I around or in their lives at that time)
Just curious, how did you get to be in contact with him so soon after he moved out if you were friends with both of them?

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