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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Horrible news

20 replies

violet888 · 14/02/2018 07:43

We've just had some horrible news. DSC isn't his.
I've been in their life for the majority of it, and DP and his ex share custody 50/50. After some awful battles over the years, this seems to be the poisoned cherry on top.
I'm scared for DP. What can I do? How should he process this?

OP posts:

MidiMitch · 14/02/2018 07:52

Oh goodness. How dreadful. How did this come out and does the child know?

CrabappleBiscuit · 14/02/2018 07:55

It’s not the kids fault. If he can try and stay in his life that would be good, sounds lik3 that may be difficult though. May need to bow out till child is older and can make own decisions. Is it true?

FrancisCrawford · 14/02/2018 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mustresistwine · 14/02/2018 08:21

How awful, this is my DP’s biggest fear

How has this come to light? And do the dsc know?

There’s more to being a parent than providing the sperm though... presumably dsc see your DP as their dad? They are still the same children & he is still the same man. None of this is the dsc fault and so although your DP is probably devastated he needs to think about them & their feelings.

He may need some legal advice too about parental responsibility & if he is named on birth certificate?

Original poster

violet888 · 14/02/2018 08:30

Nobody knows and I'm not sure if they will. I imagine things will continue as normal for the sake of those involved - he's still their dad. DSC are young. He has parental responsibility and is on the birth certificate. I think he should get some counselling / therapy. What do you think?

OP posts:

ohreallyohreallyoh · 14/02/2018 08:32

This has been proven with a proper DNA test? Not one of the cheap, over the counter ones because they match far fewer strands of DNA and don’t give a particularly accurate result. If chrapermtest, confirm with a full test before making any decisions.

Thebluedog · 14/02/2018 08:32

Omg that’s awful. Does the child know? It reallt doesn’t change anything but it must be heartbreaking for him and for for the child

ChaosNeverRains · 14/02/2018 08:35

How has this come about? At some point the DC will need to be told as will the biological father/s. This will also make a difference to his parental responsibility as well as to any access that he has been granted.

Obviously in an ideal world this should make no difference to how he feels about the DC and if everyone is happy to continue with the arrangements as they are then there is no reason not to, however I imagine that if this news has come to light now there is some reason why?

Original poster

violet888 · 14/02/2018 08:42

It has come about through a DNA test, but obviously it will be followed up with another. News has come to light after doubts increasing over time. DP decided to finally take the plunge last month and find out for sure.

OP posts:

BlossomRussoAndSixLemeure · 14/02/2018 08:43

How many children? Are they all not his?

Lucked · 14/02/2018 08:47

The flip side to no body finding out is that DSC has a biological father heey will never know.

I think counselling is a good idea, there is no need for an immediate decision and it has to be approached carefully.

LuluJakey1 · 14/02/2018 08:48

So the mum does not know he has done it? Did he DNA swab every child? How many are there?

It is very sad for him and the children. I imagine the mum will be very angry that he did it without permission.

He has several decisions to make now about what he does going ahead.

Original poster

violet888 · 14/02/2018 08:48

I'm trying to avoid lots of details for obvious reasons so apologies. There is just one.
Does anyone have any suggestions regarding how he should go about processing this?

OP posts:

TheletterZ · 14/02/2018 08:59

Mum doesn't need to give permission as dad has full parental responsibility but it will sour the relationship further than this was done without her knowledge.

Very hard for all parties involved but try to remember it isn't the fault of the child, they are the innocent party in all this,.

laloup1 · 14/02/2018 09:00

I’m so sorry to hear that. I have no advice to give but didn’t want to read and ignore. 💐

DancesWithOtters · 14/02/2018 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleFeileFooFoo · 14/02/2018 09:09

This is terrible news.
I think your dh should consider counseling, not on the least because it could profoundly effect the child's situation as well, poor mite.

mikeyssister · 14/02/2018 09:15

What age is the child? Also bear in mind that your DSS may need to find out who is biological father is for health reason.

FreshStartToday · 14/02/2018 09:16

Yy to counselling. This is exactly what counselling is for. It will accept and validate how your dh is feeling, and give him another outlet, apart from you, to vent those feelings - his feelings matter. However, it will also give him a safe space to explore the options for moving forward, for deciding what he wants/needs to do, so that he can think through issues like whether to confront his ex; what happens if the child finds out; what relationship does he really want with 'his' dc. Hopefully he will decide that his life is richer for having the child in it, and that the love they have built up over the years is real, but in the event that he is grappling with anger/guilt/whatever, it will give him an outlet to discuss those feelings, why he is feeling them and give him an opportunity to explore how to move forward.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 14/02/2018 10:03

If doing an additional test, you will need one that is court approved moving forwards. Not all are court approved - do some research before wasting money.

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