Stepchildren not wanting to spend weekends with us

[rainbowsandsunshine]

I don't really know where to begin but I'll give it a go...

I have been with my DP for 5 years. I have a DD (6) from a previous relationship, a DS (3 months) with my current partner and 3 DSC (8,9 and 13).

Before I got pregnant with my son everything was running smoothly and I felt we had blended well. My DSC would come every weekend, we'd all spend time together, lots of outings and family camping trips and a big summer holiday every year. I had a great relationship with all 3 DSC and wasnt really worried about the new baby. How niave! I tried my best to continue this whilst pregnant and the children all seemed to accept the news well.

However since my son was born the children have all taken a huge step back. Whilst my daughter has adapted to her new role brilliantly, quite often only 1 or 2 of my DSC will come on the weekend and on occasion none of them will. The youngest DSD who is 8 didnt meet her baby brother until he was 8 weeks old, which I found incredibly sad and a bit hurtful if I'm honest. They often have reasons like feeling unwell, tired, homework, seeing friends etc but it's gotten to a point now where I feel there is a lot more to it.

My daughter misses them terribly when they don't come and none of them really have a bond with their baby brother at all. Infact when they do come they act as though he doesn't exist- which again just doesn't sit right with me.

We have tried to do as many things as a family as possible but DS isn't the easiest of babies and I can see their frustration when he interrupts a film by crying or when we can't be as outdoorsy as we once were.

We have booked a holiday for the summer, but were shocked to find 2 of the 3 DSC dont want to come, one preferring to spend the week with her friend and the other at an activity camp. I feel as though our family is divided and I have no idea how to make it better.

I can see how much it hurts DP to hear that they are not coming for another week, but I really don't know what more to suggest. I have suggested he goes out with the older children and spends some quality time with them but he thinks this will just divide us further.

I really am at a complete loss and am really upset by how the last few months have played out.

Sorry for rambling, I just have no idea how to move forward. I miss seeing and spending time with them as do my DP and DD.

This thread has got a bit nasty hasn't it? As far as I see it the OP came on here asking for advice as she admits something is wrong. Then some people have got nasty and some of them nasty without offering advice. Do you behave like that with your friends in RL?

My partner and I each have a son about 3 years different in age and they get on like brothers, sometimes well, sometimes not so well. My son lives with us so I am very careful that his son knows that his dad is NOT my son's dad (whom he did see every other weekend, though he is now nearly 20 so dynamics have changed). We as a couple also made sure that my step son had some one on one time as well as family time. He is nearly 17 and starting to draw back slightly as he is making his own life but we still see him regularly and he clearly has a very strong bond with his dad.

To the OP, I really think you want to do the right thing and the 1:1 idea is probably the best idea at the moment and may give more insight into their world.

It is tough but always try and ask for advice, people here can sometimes see things in a different light and maybe able to give you some advice of things to try. You are doing well by admitting something is wrong and trying to fix it.

Could it be that it's mainly the eldest who isn't so interested any longer, a lot of it due to her age anyway, and the youngest just follow her lead?

It is actually the eldest who is here the most, followed closely by the 9 year old. It is the 8 year old who we often don't see for weeks at a time.

expatinscotland-
They each have 8 siblings in total, including eachother. Writing it down like that really brings it home, no wonder they are feeling as they do. They had already adjusted to their Dad moving on and had accepted my DD, now we have given them another sibling to add to the already long list.

I feel really shitty on all of the children tbh.

t's that famous double standard here isn't it. Mum gets new man, he's the best, they have kids all ok. Dad has a new partner who has a child and he obviously must be a crap dad and if he has childreb with his new partner then he's the devil incarnate and mustn't care for his kids. Stupud logic from bitter women

You can't even spell stupid.

There is no double standard. Crap parenting is crap parenting no matter who is doing it.

NapYearStudent-

Thank you for your concern, I am exhausted but you just keep going don't you. DP works long hours during the week and on the weekends I'm just looking for a bit of a break. The days were long, alone with an unhappy baby but things are starting to change. DS has started medication and I have begun to see a bit of a difference in him- a lot more cooing and lots of smiles.

I have been absorbed in DS, even my DD has said she likes it when DS is with my Mum for a few hours and she is a very patient and laid back child, who adores DS.

I had this too OP. My three DSCs were older teens and used to come EW and then totally dropped us after doing it for 5 years. I had a baby too.

I think most of the reason is getting on with their own lives. With mine it may also have been:

• once one child was allowed not to come, all of them wanted the same freedom. To pick and choose.
• the mother liked us having them EW, so did their Dad. However I never though the DSCs liked it really.
• as we become mothers with a baby from their Dad in the house, we as SMs are even more the matriarch. We have to be, it’s natural. Some DSCs cannot adjust to this as they have to compromise more.

Any of those ring true?

I think EOW works better on so many levels.

- once one child was allowed not to come, all of them wanted the same freedom. To pick and choose.
Definitely this.

- the mother liked us having them EW, so did their Dad. However I never though the DSCs liked it really.

And this, I think when we are busy its not easy to see but since things have become boring with the new baby, they are bored. I think they feel they miss family events from home whilst with us too. For example they didn't go to a family party and their logic was because we were here with you, when in reality DP would understand if they wanted to attend these family events.

It does sound as if your step kids want some weekends to their own more teenage agendas, and just to be in their main home. If I were you / your DP I’d be acknowledging with the DSCs that this doesn’t always suit them and having a word with their mother.

If it were EOW then it would be easier for you all to do an outing that compromised and suited them. I think these divisions of time to make each parent feel good miss the point.

My DSCs were also quite resentful of the new setup, because it changed to being not everything to suit them, although they liked the baby - both parents were in denial that EW was putting too much strain on everyone in our house (Dad because he wanted all the kids always, Mum because she liked her weekends free). It ended up with the DSCs just not bothering to visit at all and they have no relationship with their half brother. So don’t do that! Less is often more...

Maybe the children don’t like the sound of a crying baby and are staying away?

I must admit now my own dc are grown up I have little patience for the noise of a baby crying.

I agree with the idea of talking to them all. Would your mum be able to look after baby DS so that you could talk to all the others together?

Be honest and say that you know it has been a difficult few months since DS was born, but that things will improve as he gets older.

Stress that you want them to be part of your life, and ask what they want . Explain that you understand that they have friends, other activities etc, but that you would love to see them around that.

Maybe make it every other weekend or 1 day every weekend. Insist to your DH that he must spend time alone with them, but ensure that the DC know that this is not because you don't want to see them but because you really want them to have time alone together with their dad. Sometimes he could take them out, or maybe you could go to a friend or your mum so that they have time in the house. Then all get together for tea or something.

You can find a way that works for them and for you, but I do think that you all need to talk about it. My DC often voices her fears and thoughts if encouraged to do so.

The 13yo glued to her bed sounds totally normal by the way, going by my friends teenage DC!

For example they didn't go to a family party and their logic was because we were here with you, when in reality DP would understand if they wanted to attend these family events

OP, if you'll forgive me for being blunt, this is exactly the sort of thing where your DP needs to get his shit together. Communication; arrangements; clothes; transport. It's what parents do every day, every weekend.

Just to put another spin on things...what they want may not be 1:1 time with their dad. They may well be missing YOU. If you've been in their lives since they were young and you do most of the planning/caring it may well be you they want. When my son was born we started doing special time with the kids 1:1. But they wanted to do it with me too which I hadn't seen coming. Just 20 minutes a day per kid just you and them. They choose whatever they want to do with you and no interruptions. Something like that might be a lot more feasible than your DH disappearing off for the day and leaving you with the screaming baby you've been stuck with all week. And I just bet it's you they miss too.

You sound like a very caring and loving person btw.

ilovekitkats-
Yes my Mum could watch DS and DD if needs be. Your ideas regarding talking to them are great. Fingers crossed it helps and they open up.

LindySprint-
Their Mum sent them regardless of their family outings/parties/occasions. They have spent majority of the last 5 years worth of occasions with us too, such as Christmas and New year. Its only since I've been pregnant (and 13 year old has more of an opinion) that shes allowed them to make decisions for themselves.

I have previously said DP has tried to be more involved in their social lives but the DSC won't bring trip letters, party invites or go on outings from our house (personally I think their Mum puts a stop to it, but dare I mention her on here again).

They also come with no spare clothes. We have asked them to bring clothes in the past but again they don't, we now have lots here and I wash whatever they are wearing so they can wear it home.

NapYearStudent-
I had never even thought of it like that. I will take this on board too as I think its a possibility. Whenever I pop to the shops or run an errand, I always have 1/2 children in tow- at least.

SandyY2K-
Thank you!

I really don't get why you got such a hard time, you sound to me like the most lovely and unselfish SM and you seem to understand well the situation.

It sounds like the 8yo founds it the hardest because she's the one who's had to adjust to being 'replaced' by younger siblings. It sounds like she feels insecure and suffering from the 'middle sibling' syndrome, and so is desperate to attend any extended get together to be sure to be 'remembered' whilst feeling even more the one in the middle when you now that the baby is born and bored because you don't do as much as you used to. The 9yo had the chance to be used to being the middle child, so although affected, not as much , whilst the 13yo remains the eldest, so 'special'.

I do agree that talking and listening is absolutely key and it's important not to delay it. They need to feel that they will be listened to not judged and told they shouldn't feel the way they do. It sounds like some flexibility might be the right thing to do although making them realise that logistically, this will be difficult and so will not always be possible. It sounds like the whole arrangement will demand more organisation ahead of time. I would suggest communicating more with the 13yo than mum. I stopped having any contact with my ex about arrangements from the time my DD was about 11, it was a lot easier for them to discuss changes to the normal schedule between themselves.

There could be something in the 8 year old needing more reassurance and extra love. My 7 yr old was really really out of place when her baby sibling arrived, it s taken a long time to reassure her. Perhaps the 8 year old was already sensing being displaced at home a little (not deliberately just because of family position), and your house she knew her 'place' and now she need s reassurance from dh and you. Perhaps an extra special outing 1-1, or a teddy, or a 'secret diary ' (not an actual secret but my dd and all her pals are into the secret diary (brand) since Christmas, and a special chat to reassure she s loved and always has a place with you

Is it possible for you to do things with each child individually? That may help.
We've got quite an age gap between my step daughter and our 2 little boys and we found she started coming here less and less. What has helped is I took her the pics a few times just us, then her dad took her for tea just them and that helped so she has started coming more now. May be worth a try if it's at all possible

I am sometimes dumbfounded by the responses some posters receive.

It's very obvious who the bitter and self-righteous mothers are when reading responses.

It is also these mothers who produce spoilt millennial type adults. Their father is their father. He has a duty to provide care for these children whether they want to go there or not. The response 'why EW'? is just crazy.. because he is their parent?!!

Also, children do not have say over their parent's lives, 'They did not choose this baby'. Boo hoo, they are children and are lucky they have two supportive parents. I agree older kids do not want to spend every weekend with their parents but if they want to go somewhere with their friends, they should be doing it from the parent's house they are residing at (At least till they are a bit older).

Also, OP's child IS just as much his child since becoming a family (have you heard of adoption?). To suggest that a child needs to have a biological bond is ignorant and childish. She has not replaced them, she is an addition.

As a Mother with a 10-year-old and four year old, I would never allow my child to not meet their new brother for 8 weeks! That is amongst some of the most disrespectful crap I have heard. These kids are definitely not being shown how to be kind humans.

OP, I have a feeling that the answer lays with the EX. This type of thing happens a lot when the other parent has a new baby. Mother is likely letting them behave in such a way and not showing her children how to be respectful people because she can.

Without getting tough, I have no suggestions as to what to do. My daughter is turning 11 at the end of the year, daughter has asked for it to be EOW which is fine with both parents however this was a civil discussion and all parties agreed. I think without two parents on the same page it is very hard to resolve.

My children have a lot of freedom but they are still children!

Well said User258

So although you knew they weren't happy with their new half siblings on the mothers side, you thought it would be a good idea to have a baby and make them feel even more pushed out?

They are old enough to understand that your DH had choices and chose something he knew would make them unhappy. They can't control the situation but he could. So instead they are choosing to remove themselves where they can within the limits of being a child.

They are probably getting to an age (the older ones mainly) where every week is too much. DSD (13) has started to miss the odd weekend (usual is EOW) I’m sure she will come even less the older she gets. DSS (7) has only ever missed once but I expect that will change one day.

Maybe change to EOW to reduce pressure on them.

Tanxd - The breakdown between my 3 and their dad was caused by gf’s refusal to allow our children to even have one holiday with their father on their own

I’m all for dads spending one-on-one with their children but expecting a holiday just without the gf in it is a bit excessive. She is part of their family now plus it would become very expensive if every blended family expected to not only go away as a family with everyone but also for the dads to go away on their own with his kids. Does that mean also that if you have another partner you have to take your kids away on their own without your partner?

There always seems to be a lot of expectations when it comes to what fathers who have separated need to do. What when the separated mothers meet someone. We expect dads to have one-on-one time with their children when he meets someone but when it is reversed and the mum meets a partner the same expectations are never mentioned. I’ve never heard that the mum then needs to spend one-on-one time with their children even though there is now a new person living with them full time.

Hi Rainbow, I can’t see anything that jumps out at me that would change with the baby’s arrival as like you have said, everything was running smoothly beforehand. All children from both sides seemed to blend well together, going on holiday, etc. I would have thought if there was going to be any problem at all, it would have been with your DD (so before the birth) as she lives with you full time while your partners children visit a few times a week, so a limited time to see their dad in comparison.

However, I find it quite odd that it has suddenly changed with the new baby when there is something connecting them all now. I think it very strange too that the 8 -year-old didn’t even see the baby till he was 8 weeks old. I think it’s sad that none of them have a relationship with their baby brother or wanting to see your daughter either.

Your clearly not a step mum wishing their partners children wouldn’t come or after the stresses of child birth only wanting your partner and your 6 year old with you. It’s quite nice that you were actually gutted that the younger one didn’t visit for so long.

A few people have commented on the fact that maybe they genuinely do want to visit friends but again why has this only started with the baby’s arrival? If that was the case, it would have been happening before the birth wouldn’t it?

I think it is a good idea for your partner to spend some alone time with them. With the baby being hard at the minute it doesn’t have to be for hours on end even just a walk, cinema, play centre every so often would be good. When the baby is a bit older and suffering less you can take the baby too and watch from the side lines.

In our situation the opposite happened where we thought my DSD would feel pushed out and wouldn’t want to come but she is always here to see the baby and she looks forward to coming away with us whereas in the past she didn’t.

A lot of people have mentioned the baby being boring and for your partner to take his children out on their own but if the children were all yours the children would just get used to the baby and no one would be saying to take the older children out on their own. My DSD doesn’t find her baby sister boring at all even when she couldn’t move. She just comes with us even if she doesn’t like where we are going just to be with the baby. Plus, in your situation, their mother had more children to someone else and they’ve still been through that but are now not visiting you.

Another thing, how are the living arrangements like now at yours with the new baby? Where is the baby going to be sleeping in the future? Also, what are the children’s living arrangements like in their other house?

It’s out of order too that your partner is going round to pick them up and they are then saying last minute that they aren’t coming. That’s rude! What is their mum doing while all this is going on? Has this only started too since the arrival of the baby? What were arrangements like before baby? They aren’t being told or shown by the looks of it how to be respectable to other people. If they do this to their dad imagine what they are going to do with other people who they meet in their lives. My partner communicates with his 14 year old daughter about arrangements and never speaks to her mother and she always responds if there is a change in advance.

To me the only thing that is different and would cause the children not to go to yours would be their mother. Usually from what I’ve seen, the mothers dictate what happens in the new family home. The fact that she goes on holiday with some children and not all of them says a lot really. We wouldn’t dream of doing that its damaging to the children.

I think their father needs to speak to them on their own and find out where about they are in their lives and what they are feeling. They sound like they are stuck in between a rock and a hard place with not really fitting in at either home with their being so many step siblings. If only one child is going with you (the eldest one) and the younger two aren’t invited on their mother’s holiday then where are they going to be? And why did their mum want them there every week? Bit weird when they are your own children. I couldn’t imagine telling my child to leave me all weekend.

We're going through a similar situation at the moment, except our child together is 6 and the dsc are a bit older.

We usually have them ew but might suggest eow going forward, hopefully that will take the pressure off them a bit and give them more time to do what they want. It will also manage ds's expectations better as he is heartbroken every time it is cancelled at the last minute, he loves his sisters so much and misses them.

It's a difficult situation but op you're doing your best.

OP, I have a feeling that the answer lays with the EX
It always is isn't it! Thank God that my eldest is old enough to be able to make it clear to my ex and his new partner that if her brother doesn't want to go there any longer, it is certainly not because of me, as I'm sure otherwise, they would have reached the exact same conclusion because let's face it, it is so much easier to blame someone you don't like than it is to look at your own self and consider that maybe, just maybe, you could be the person at fault.

It is exactly for that reason that my DS won't even meet with his dad to try to share his feelings because he knows that whatever he says, his dad will refuse to take any responsibility for this outcome and will either blame him or me. It is hard indeed to accept that the joy one experience at the birth of another child doesn't have to mean that the other children in the family might not be the same but that's the reality.

Most teenagers lose interest in family life. It's not personal, it's how it is. My DS isn't that interested in doing things with me either, what he cares about is having an easy life with his friends. Home, ie his room with me is his own heaven, not mum's house (as opposed to dad's house). Maybe if his dad lived only a few streets away and he had his own room so he could replicate his life here, he would be going there too, I don't know, but one thing is certain, it has NOTHING to do with me. It's actually causing me problems as my OH won't leave DS alone which means that we can't go away as we used to when DS used to stay at his dad. That and the fact that my food shopping has gone up (never received a penny in maintenance from his dad and certainly not going to be asking now!).

Blame the ex as much as it makes you feel better, but between the accusation, maybe take a bit of time to consider whether it could be that the SC are not getting what makes them happy at your own house?

Your baby is still very young, and they probably will bond more as he gets a bit more interactive (us parents love our newborns but often older kids find them a bit ... boring/demanding/smelly/noisy!) and starts laughing at all their crap jokes!

It sounds like it has been a tough adjustment all round. Hope you can settle into a new routine and that life gets easier for you all.