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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Stepchildren not wanting to spend weekends with us

125 replies

rainbowsandsunshine · 05/02/2018 09:04

I don't really know where to begin but I'll give it a go...

I have been with my DP for 5 years. I have a DD (6) from a previous relationship, a DS (3 months) with my current partner and 3 DSC (8,9 and 13).

Before I got pregnant with my son everything was running smoothly and I felt we had blended well. My DSC would come every weekend, we'd all spend time together, lots of outings and family camping trips and a big summer holiday every year. I had a great relationship with all 3 DSC and wasnt really worried about the new baby. How niave! I tried my best to continue this whilst pregnant and the children all seemed to accept the news well.

However since my son was born the children have all taken a huge step back. Whilst my daughter has adapted to her new role brilliantly, quite often only 1 or 2 of my DSC will come on the weekend and on occasion none of them will. The youngest DSD who is 8 didnt meet her baby brother until he was 8 weeks old, which I found incredibly sad and a bit hurtful if I'm honest. They often have reasons like feeling unwell, tired, homework, seeing friends etc but it's gotten to a point now where I feel there is a lot more to it.

My daughter misses them terribly when they don't come and none of them really have a bond with their baby brother at all. Infact when they do come they act as though he doesn't exist- which again just doesn't sit right with me.

We have tried to do as many things as a family as possible but DS isn't the easiest of babies and I can see their frustration when he interrupts a film by crying or when we can't be as outdoorsy as we once were.

We have booked a holiday for the summer, but were shocked to find 2 of the 3 DSC dont want to come, one preferring to spend the week with her friend and the other at an activity camp. I feel as though our family is divided and I have no idea how to make it better.

I can see how much it hurts DP to hear that they are not coming for another week, but I really don't know what more to suggest. I have suggested he goes out with the older children and spends some quality time with them but he thinks this will just divide us further.

I really am at a complete loss and am really upset by how the last few months have played out.

Sorry for rambling, I just have no idea how to move forward. I miss seeing and spending time with them as do my DP and DD.

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 05/02/2018 18:24

Don't worry Meridian, my clients pay me to tell them the truth, and advise them how best to act, and they know I have 20 years' experience to help me help them.

If they just want someone to say "no babes, you're doing grate hunni, they're all just jealous and bitter" I send them to play on the internet for free.

BrendasUmbrella · 05/02/2018 18:43

I have suggested he goes out with the older children and spends some quality time with them but he thinks this will just divide us further.

I think this is a good idea and should be encouraged. It can be upsetting to children when their parent has a child with someone else, they might need extra attention right now, which as you say is hard to find around a three month old.

Most children have little interest in babies. When he is walking and talking they'll become more fond of him. You just need to be patient.

welshmist · 05/02/2018 18:56

I think next time, I would sit down with them and ask them what they would like to do on holiday within budget of course. As children get older peer friendships do become important, I discovered the truth of that old saying you use this house as a hotel when mine hit this age.

Original poster

rainbowsandsunshine · 05/02/2018 20:28

DP contacts their Mum, if she doesnt respond then he contacts the eldest as she has her own phone. Sometimes they'll say they are coming, he will get there and then they will be unwell, busy etc.

They dont really mention friends, I would be up for a few sleepovers tho, I'll mention it when we talk to them. They dont have friends over to their home, probably because the house is so full!

It's the eldest who is coming on holiday with us, it isn't something we can just change as DP has set time off work. She is really looking forward to it as she has a love for the waves like DP, whereas my DD is quite happy building sandcastles and looking for crabs like myself. It is just a UK holiday, but quite suitable for both of their ages.

I understand that the age gaps are quite big too, planning days out is getting more difficult, the eldest often sits with us as shes very grown up for her age and the others play together well, with more common interests. I don't like to put responsibility on her either as I'm aware that she has alot of responsibilities with her younger siblings at home, but she is fantastic with my DD. Giving her piggyback rides, taking funny selfies, singing and dancing, baking etc. It is lovely to see.

I hope after speaking to them we have some answers and things can easily be put right.

OP posts:

Lookatyourwatchnow · 05/02/2018 20:38

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ElChan03 · 05/02/2018 20:47

You sound like a lovely step mum with everyone in mind.
I think your plan is a good one and I hope everything improves.
I also can't believe anyone would refer to a 6 year old child as a cuckoo... That's awful.
I hope your DS gets easily too and that your DP puts some priority on 1to1 time until baby settles down a tad and them family stuff can resume depending on how engaged the sc feel.
Good luck OP

MrsBertBibby · 05/02/2018 21:23

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This post references a deleted post. Talk Guidelines.

LindySprint · 05/02/2018 21:46

DP contacts their Mum, if she doesnt respond then he contacts the eldest as she has her own phone. Sometimes they'll say they are coming, he will get there and then they will be unwell, busy etc

Ok, OP, well something's really not working with this system.

It's not fair to out a 13 year old in the position of gatekeeping your partner's child arrangements. It's not working. You've posted here precisely because it isn't working. He needs to communicate directly with his Ex - you say it's 'amicable' - so what's he doing to talk it through with her?

There's a missing piece here, and I'm trying to help you to find it, btw. I'm not wishing to be negative. I'm also with a partner with a previous relationship.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 05/02/2018 22:38

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HerRoyalNotness · 05/02/2018 23:59

watchnow 😂😂😂

MistressDeeCee · 06/02/2018 03:47

All of this sounds very nice - but it's still a case of DCs who can't get one on one time with their dad because (a) his wife is micro-managing and centering herself in everything and (b) dad is entirely lazy about one on one activities/actually taking DCs out, being with and entertaining them so, the status quo suits him.

Hence this is all a great big fuss about something that can easily be sorted. But it won't be as it's not really about the children. It's just a lot of words to cover the cracks. Adults who don't really want to know how the children feel, and why. Because it won't fit in with their agendas.

& the subtle digs re their home life being chaotic - it's chaotic on both sides isn't it? Just in different ways. It's not as if they're super happy at yours. They don't want to visit you. That says it all.

As said this isn't about you being a stepmum. So what? It's about you being The Guardian Of The Gate to prevent one on one time between a father and his children, and him freely allowing and enabling you to do so. That's why the children don't want to visit. It won't end well because their dad doesn't really want to get to the bottom of it.

& you, I somehow suspect, are vaguely in a "best mum" contest with his ex. Its fruitless as it doesnt even sound as she's bothering with you

Everything you say is "We". Get out of the way. If dad goes out for the day with his DCs the sky won't fall in, they'll all come back, you'll all have the evening together.

Dad can talk to his children on a nice day out together. Give him the 4th degree when he gets back if you like but aside from that, stay out of it for a while let the DCs breathe as it were

If the day(s) out ever happen, that is.

Original poster

rainbowsandsunshine · 06/02/2018 04:35

I would actually love him to spend more 1:1 time with them. It would be really nice for my DD to spend some quality time with me too, as the time we do have during the week is limited due to school, after school activities and the new baby.

I'm not in competition with their Mum either, I disagree with a whole load of her choices but that's a different thread entirely. I have only mentioned her at all as people have asked questions regarding their home life.

I've already said I'm going to take a big step back, stop planning everything and allow their Dad to take the lead and spend time with just them and if it means they're happy and I get a break too, then bloody brilliant.

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 06/02/2018 05:34

It doesn't matter what their mothers' choices are. Yet you've immediately mentioned her - and then your child. Unusual way of 'stepping back'.

It's about your DH actually getting up off his own bat and actively spending time with his DCs that he does not see alone nor spend one to one time with. That is it.

All the rest is unnecessary padding. & it's those children who need to be fairly centered here or you'll see even less of them as time goes by. Children grow and make up their minds quicker than you think they will. As all mothers discover soon enough.

If your DH suddenly becomes incidental to them in future then it may bring him unhappiness. Hindsight and if only are strange beasts, not always comfortable to live with. Rectifying is possible and must come from him - not you. All else to do with blending can come afterwards. They need their time now.

swingofthings · 06/02/2018 07:33

OP, you seem really upset about it. You sound like a lovely and caring SM. I think as it's been mentioned, the issue is that what they crave is probably somewhere they can go for peace and quiet and where the dynamics of the weekend is based on them, not younger siblings. Could it be that they are actually bored when they come over?

Could it be that it's mainly the eldest who isn't so interested any longer, a lot of it due to her age anyway, and the youngest just follow her lead? Could it be that some of the reasons for not coming were genuine rather than an excuse to not come?

I think your OH needs to take them out and have a frank talk with them, but making sure not to put any blame on their, or make them feel guilty.

My DS started to feel this way when he was 12/13. His dad had a new child with his partner, they were both working hard, exhausted during the week-ends, and not up to doing fun things with the kids any longer and him and DD expected more and more to help with looking after the child.

It started with using convenient excuses (party invites, sport event etc....) to say he wasn't coming that week-end, but it became obvious after some time that he just didn't want to go. I suggested he spoke to his dad about it, but he said that when he tried, his dad made him feel guilty and then got angry, so he didn't want to. He now has no contact. It's very sad when it could have been resolved when the issues first came up.

MrsBertBibby · 06/02/2018 07:39

It doesn't matter what their mothers' choices are. Yet you've immediately mentioned her - and then your child. Unusual way of 'stepping back'.

That's pretty unfair, DeeCee. You made points about the mum, so OP answered them. Her OP didn't say one word about the mum, she only ever mentioned her in response to questions, and it turned out to be pretty relevant info.

Good luck OP. If good will, effort, and thoughtfulness can fix this, then I think it will be fixed, as you have all those, if I may say so. I hope your partner can step up as well as you do.

MaisyPops · 06/02/2018 07:46

OP
It sounds like there might be a bit of 'new baby' worry going in here.
Think about how those kids feel now Mum has kids with a new man and hiw the younger ones get a family holiday but they don't. Maybe they're terrified that'll happen on Dad's side too so they're pushing back defensively ai at least they don't get hurt.
It would make sense.

I think your DP must do more 1-1 things with them ans you might just have to suck it up with the baby a little when he needs to do that with them.

As for people calling OP's child a cuckoo. How horrible and nasty. It's that famous double standard here isn't it. Mum gets new man, he's the best, they have kids all ok. Dad has a new partner who has a child and he obviously must be a crap dad and if he has childreb with his new partner then he's the devil incarnate and mustn't care for his kids. Stupud logic from bitter women.

MistressDeeCee · 06/02/2018 07:50

MrsBertBibby taken as read - in this scenario it's about the children who don't get personal time and space with their dad. Not about those who already do get the time. All I've said comes back to that. It's the most important thing, is it not...? That father and children get time together. First - and foremost.

flumpybear · 06/02/2018 07:55

Here's an idea ..... TALK TO THEM!

Get them to tell you what the matter is and how to resolve it. Talk 'with' them, not 'at' them though

Good luck!

Jaxtellerswife · 06/02/2018 07:58

Load of cack. Despite what someone said, yes they are all family. Their family isn't gone, it's just different and now bigger.
Op sounds like she wants everyone to be happy which I'm my stepchild/ stepmum experience is never possible. You can only try and ultimately they will realise that.
Good luck op

expatinscotland · 06/02/2018 07:58

So these kids have 5 step and/or half-siblings? Bet they are confused as hell. Something's gotta give. Your partner needs to step up and be a father to them, one on one.

MistressDeeCee · 06/02/2018 08:06

Here's an idea ..... TALK TO THEM

^ Exactly. Short n sweet. Their dad needs to talk to them, not about them. One to one. Then he will know how to progress, and that can be discussed in wider fashion - afterwards. It is not difficult unless made so.

They're probably not feeling so great in all this so the sooner the better, really ...

MrsBertBibby · 06/02/2018 08:07

Stupud logic from bitter women.

Well they do say there's no arguing with stupid.

baublesnbubbles · 06/02/2018 08:17

OP I think you sound like a concerned step parent and I hope the chat with them brings positive change x

NapYearStudent · 06/02/2018 08:29

Oh for heavens same! Some people have a serious axe to grind. OP Mumsnet has to be the worlds worst place to get blended family advice. I am a step kid and I have stepkids so I've seen it from both ends. You sound very caring and like you are looking for solutions. You can open the door but you can't force them through. You need to make it welcoming for them but they have two parents who are responsible for them. You can't fix what their parents have fucked up. You'll only end up resenting your DH. You have a baby who has reflux and is in pain. That baby is yours and needs you as does your older daughter. You need clear boundaries and to let go. You need to take care of you in this too. Are you getting enough sleep? Are you getting enough breaks? The crying can be relentless with silent reflux but it does get better.

LindySprint · 06/02/2018 08:31

So these kids have 5 step and/or half-siblings?

expat, I think it's actually 6? Four at the mum's house, and two at the OP's.

I think I can understand the eldest, at 13, and reaching adolescence, and entering the sometimes grim GCSE years, retreating to her room.

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