Stepchildren not wanting to spend weekends with us

[rainbowsandsunshine]

I don't really know where to begin but I'll give it a go...

I have been with my DP for 5 years. I have a DD (6) from a previous relationship, a DS (3 months) with my current partner and 3 DSC (8,9 and 13).

Before I got pregnant with my son everything was running smoothly and I felt we had blended well. My DSC would come every weekend, we'd all spend time together, lots of outings and family camping trips and a big summer holiday every year. I had a great relationship with all 3 DSC and wasnt really worried about the new baby. How niave! I tried my best to continue this whilst pregnant and the children all seemed to accept the news well.

However since my son was born the children have all taken a huge step back. Whilst my daughter has adapted to her new role brilliantly, quite often only 1 or 2 of my DSC will come on the weekend and on occasion none of them will. The youngest DSD who is 8 didnt meet her baby brother until he was 8 weeks old, which I found incredibly sad and a bit hurtful if I'm honest. They often have reasons like feeling unwell, tired, homework, seeing friends etc but it's gotten to a point now where I feel there is a lot more to it.

My daughter misses them terribly when they don't come and none of them really have a bond with their baby brother at all. Infact when they do come they act as though he doesn't exist- which again just doesn't sit right with me.

We have tried to do as many things as a family as possible but DS isn't the easiest of babies and I can see their frustration when he interrupts a film by crying or when we can't be as outdoorsy as we once were.

We have booked a holiday for the summer, but were shocked to find 2 of the 3 DSC dont want to come, one preferring to spend the week with her friend and the other at an activity camp. I feel as though our family is divided and I have no idea how to make it better.

I can see how much it hurts DP to hear that they are not coming for another week, but I really don't know what more to suggest. I have suggested he goes out with the older children and spends some quality time with them but he thinks this will just divide us further.

I really am at a complete loss and am really upset by how the last few months have played out.

Sorry for rambling, I just have no idea how to move forward. I miss seeing and spending time with them as do my DP and DD.

You suggested they came every other week instead of every week. When you suggest someone comes to your house less, it means you think they come too much

Cuckoo is a desription, not a name (though it wasn't a nice one).

Those poor children. Step siblings and half siblings on both sides, their mother trying to get rid of them and their stepmother wanting them to come less and their father not spending anytime with them without half and step siblings....is it really any wonder they want to go away with their friends instead?

A cuckoo??? Are you fucking kidding me? You should be ashamed of yourself for that comment.

They're ALL children of the family.

OP, please don't let that comment upset you.

They're ALL children of the family

But they aren't. They are children of a family that no longer exists, and they have to try and fit into two new families that have been made without any input from them!

People forget that their choices as adults are forced on the children.

ShutYoFace-

I 'thought' about suggesting it- read my reply again and you will see that.

Saying I want them to come less is ridiculous, I've already stated that it upsets me, my DP and my DD that they dont want to come!!

I will suggest hes spends more 1:1 time with them, it's just difficult with a young baby. I think my DP feels bad leaving me at weekends, it is by no means because he doesn't want to spend time with them, as I said DS isn't the easiest baby right now.

I used cuckoo because that is very likely how your step children are coming to see your 6 year old. I worked really bloody hard to try to ensure that my steps never saw my son that way. So far I think we're good, but puberty brings many challenges, It's a risk that requires watching. It doesn't go away, not till they're well into adulthood. You don't get to say " job done, we're blended". Even when you aren't throwing new babies into the mix!

Poor kids, they've had so much thrown at them from all sides, can you really not see that they feel utterly insecure, disposable, and powerless? Your own first answer was the right one. Double down on your partner and get him to show those kids they mean the world to him, in their own right, not in relation to these extra people.

I will suggest hes spends more 1:1 time with them, it's just difficult with a young baby. I think my DP feels bad leaving me at weekends, it is by no means because he doesn't want to spend time with them, as I said DS isn't the easiest baby right now

Children won't see it that way. They will see that dad has a new baby and now won't do anything with just them. What they see is that he cares more about the baby and its mother than he does about them.

I don't see any indication that you are trying to think about things from their point of view. That's the main issue here.

Bloody hell.

"I don't see any indication that you are trying to think about things from their point of view. That's the main issue here."

Er, how about when the OP said she had wondered whether coming every other weekend would help (if they didn't want to spend every weekend away from their mother, NOT because she didn't want them to come every weekend)? Or when she said she can see it's frustrating for them when the baby interrupts a film or they can't be as outdoorsy? Or when she has suggested her husband spend some more time with his elder children on their own? Or when she wrote this bloody post asking for further ideas? Jesus Christ, it must be hard being as perfect as you.

Please don't listen to these ridiculous keyboard warriors who have nothing positive to say or helpful advice. Some people find it easier to say negative comments rather than help and be positive for your situation.
Perhaps you could ask your stepchildren if there is anything in particular they would like to do? Give them reign to think of an activity they would love to do and work a way around doing so, if it means an activity with their father then encourage it. Don't take it personally about your DS not being included or that they have not instantly fallen in love with him. Children are never the best with babies and do find them difficult and confusing because they are disruptive, but this stage won't last forever so just ride the storm it will get better. You're family sound fantastic, don't let this get you down. X

Those "ridiculous keyboard warriors" (nice, btw ) have actually been the step children so know what they are talking about.

Be nicey to the OP all you like, but its not helpful. Putting the kids pov forward is. The adults always think how lovely and blended and happy everything is, then seem shocked that the children don't feel quite the same. Which they clearly don't.

I grew up in a situation very similar to this so have been in the children's shoes.

OP, you should be so proud of yourself. You try so hard with your Step Children and it's clear you really care about them and have their best interests at heart. I wish all Step Mums would take a leaf out of your book!

EOW does sound like a good idea. Like you said, it's would give SC space to do their activities and then not feel it such a 'chore' staying with you but children of that age are very sensitive and may see it as you trying to push them away (we know that's not the case at all) So I'd take the pressure off completely by giving the choice to the children by letting them know they are always welcome and wanted but they don't have to come because you understand their friends/activities are important too (which tbh, sounds like you're doing anyway)

Take no notice of unsupportive comments about your DD. The SC had no issues before the baby! So I completely disagree that they think she is a 'cuckoo' and they won't see her as anything other than their step-sibling - that part won't have changed and I certainly never saw my Step brothers this way when I was growing up!!!

As long as they know they are always welcome and wanted at yours, even if it's not their designated days, you're doing the right thing and I think it's just time that the SC need.

You're doing a Stirling job. Keep it up, OP!! It will all turn grand in the end [Flowers]

they probably feel pushed out tbh, what with their dad living with a different child and then having another one.

In fact they probably feel 'incredibly hurt' or whatever emotive phrase OP (adult) used about herself.

@rainbowsandsunshine - please don't let some of the comments in here upset you. You sound like a great sm & understandably bewildered as everything seemed to be fine pre baby.
In a 'normal' family kids have to take a back seat when babies come along - ffs I've got a sister in her 50's who still thinks the next 3 sisters (who came along in rapid succession) ruined her life!!! My poor mother was beside herself with exhaustion & my sister behaved like a spoilt brat. This is not a step issue it's a child issue.
Ok - so you're a blended family - big deal & I say that as you & your dp seem to be thinking of everyone's feelings & were blending successfully for ages.
My kids have two younger siblings on their dads side.
Initially my dp said they need not come over as often as they had been as dd was not keen on half sibling 1 when he came along. I said no, she would go over as per usual as she had to get used to the new dynamic but to not push the baby on her while she was there - she was 9 at the time. She's now mad about both her little brothers & I think her going over less would have made her feel pushed out or 'special' in an entitled way.
She is now 12 & her brother is 15 - sometimes they don't want to go to their dads now not because of half siblings but because they now have social lives. Ex facilitates this.
You & dp need to sit his dc down & speak to them gently but frankly & try to get to the bottom of what's going on. Is it baby boredom? Is it that they're more socially active now? Is the baby interrupting their sleep? Are they feeling weird about the baby?
See what they say & make a call on access then. Maybe switch to eow with you all & every other Saturday or Sunday afternoon going to the movies/activity with dad alone? That way they get 'grown up' time & family time.
As for your dd. God love her with all on here calling her a cuckoo! No sympathetic comments for this poor little girl who's step siblings no longer want to spend time with her, who's mum is occupied (understandably) with a new baby & who's sf's main priority (again understandably) is his own kids.
Shame on some people.

i hate all this "don't let the people who dont agree with you bother you, just ignore them, you're amazing" bullshit. What is the point of posting?
OP, you know you have a problem. You know things are not working. If you just wanted validation that you are great and its all perfect and who really cares if your step kids aren't happy, then by all means ignore us. But you know there is something in it.

So what are you actually suggesting ShutYoFace? Because I can't see one helpful suggestion from you in this thread so far.

Tuckmywin exactly just a keyboard warrior with nothing positive or encouraging to say considering they've been the stepchild, you would think they would have more positive input to help.

@ShutYoFace - ops posts have never stated she doesn't care about her dcs - quite the opposite!
She asked for advice as she specifically said that she genuinely thought they had blended pretty successfully & that there were no visible problems pre baby.
Why are people jumping on her just because she's confused as to what's going on?
All the harsh negativity being flung at her is total projection on many posters parts - posters who have clearly not read her posts properly but who've just jumped onto the 'all sms & dfs who dare to have a life are evil sc haters' bandwagon!!!!

To be honest they are getting older especially the 13 year old will want to spend time socialising with friends at the weekend rather than with parents it’s not a slight on you or your dh it’s just their age. I remember going to town with my friends at that age. Maybe EOW would be better fit.

Are there 9 children in total? Poor kids. I don't blame some of them for wanting to spend time away from their blended families.

OP, I have a blended family that has worked extremely well. I had one DS who was 3 at the time and is now 15 and DH had exactly the same. We then had another son between us who is now 11 (a 4 year age gap from his brothers). Although we only had my step son EOW and holidays, we always included him in our plans as if he lived there full time, so all outings, trips, holidays etc were done when we could all be together to do it. (My own son was seeing his dad EOW to so we wither had all 3 boys or just 1 on a weekend).

It was my step sons mother that made life difficult. Although she had an affair and left my DH, she couldn't accept he'd moved on and caused a lot of problems from day one. Including giving me a nasty nick-name that she would make my DSS use, saying that his step-brother and half brother were not real family etc. I never asked him about his mum, I knew he was made to go through every minute of his time with us, what he told us, what we said etc.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, when he was 10 he asked us if he could come and live with us full time as he wanted the proper family set up, brothers, outings etc. He's lived with us ever since and rarely sees his poisonous mother. (Which was her choice btw, she moved far away and makes zero effort in his life). As far as we are concerned the boys are all brothers and they refer to each other that way.

OP you sound like you do care about your step children and that you want them to be happy. Of course you have a wish to be a happy family, who would wish for unhappiness?? And you are trying to make them happy, so hats off to you.

Some people have had crappy experiences in their own lives which have scarred them and so they are here to project their unhappiness on you and be nasty, don't listen to them. At least you care. x

How far away do they live? Do you allow them to go to school friend parties, if they fall on your weekend?

And why not EOW?

Because my dc are this age and they wouldn't want to go every weekend.
Ds1 is off out with his mates, playing football, going to parties.
Ds2 likes having his mate round to play x box.

Plus both mine play football, so that takes over.
Plus they are often tired. I find the autumn term takes a lot out of children.

So even EOW might be a push.
Get Dh to take them out on his own. Talk to his ex to see if she has any suggestions.

Christ. On. A. Bike.
Op is getting a hard time here! She's only trying to do the right thing.

Why don't you ask the step children how they feel. Ask them what hey want? Ask if it would help if dad spent some time 1-to-1 with them. Tell them you want them to come every weekend, but understand mates/parties, do they want to come at another time?

Play dumb and ask them what they want you to do to make it better?

The problem here is your dp. Currently as things stand he’s moved in with a partnr who has her own child and has taken on this child at a time when they’re not in the equation. Added to that, he and the new partner have had another baby and this is his child. In the eyes of his other children his new family have replaced them, and he’s quite happy with that as he has demonstrated because although he likely gets to spend one to one time with his baby, with his stepchild and with his new partner, he’s not prepared to give the same to his other children.

Added to which, the children are reaching an age where they are likely to want to come over less because of wanting to do things with their friends.

But your DP needs telling in no uncertain terms that he needs to spend time with his children now or in a couple of years it will be too late. And you need to take note because if you and he don’t stay together for any reason it will be your child he’s pushing out in favour of new ones with someone else. It’s an all too common scenario sadly.

I have an ex like your partner. Moved in his new partner within eighteen months, new baby in two years as well as full time existing stepchild. In his case the new partner is a deeply unpleasant person but he doesn’t help matters. New family came first, didn’t want to hear what DC had to say about how he felt about things, new baby was born and he spent less and less time there. Ex does see him on his own from time to time but minimally Has cancelled overnights because of commitments to the DSC, and 2.5 years on DC hasn’t stayed there for about a year now and doesn’t even speak to his dad any more. And recently he heard that ex and his partner were going to an event he wanted to go to, I asked if he was going too and he said “no, he’s going with his family.” he doesn’t even see himself as part of his dad’s family any more and doesn’t think of his half brother as anything related to him.

This will be your dp’s children if he doesn’t step up to the plate. As is so often said on here, you don’t have a dsc problem you have a dp problem.

Why are people jumping on her just because she's confused as to what's going on?

Because it should be totally obvious what is going on! Those children have been given yet another half/step sibling, and no attention from their father at all.

who've just jumped onto the 'all sms & dfs who dare to have a life are evil sc haters' bandwagon!!!!

Oh that old bollocks again "you're so mean to us all because we're step parents!". It's bullshit. There are many wonderful step parents. But you're not immune from criticism when you are clearly making mistakes!

This is an obvious problem, anyone with half a brain can see the issue. If anyone is confused its because they are wilfully blind. OP's boyfriend is severely letting down his own children, and they are showing what they think about it. And telling her how fabulous she is not helpful.

@ShutYoFace - how can YOU determine that the scs get no attention from their father?
Do you live with them???
Are you psychic???
Do you have hidden cameras in their house???

Thankyou to everyone for the helpful comments and replies, I really do try my best to do right by everyone. Even if at times I get it wrong.

The children don't go to parties or have friends over, as far as I am aware they're not allowed. We have often asked them to bring trip letters/party invitations with them so they dont miss out- but they never do.

We have offered to drop to friends, pick the 13 year old up from the cinema or friends houses etc but again, she never asks. We would be more than happy for her to be socialising, but more often than not she is on her ipad, in pjs, all day long. According to the other 2 children, she barely leaves her room at home at all.

We said she was more than welcome to stay for longer if she wanted her own space, she did this a few times then her Mum said it wasn't fair that the others couldn't stay too so that soon stopped.

The more I think about it all, the more I think they really need their Dad right now. This weekend I will push them out the door to do something together and once they return maybe have a bit of a chat and find out what they'd prefer and how we can help.

I feel as though I've done exactly as their mother has albiet not on purpose