Stepchildren not wanting to spend weekends with us

[rainbowsandsunshine]

I don't really know where to begin but I'll give it a go...

I have been with my DP for 5 years. I have a DD (6) from a previous relationship, a DS (3 months) with my current partner and 3 DSC (8,9 and 13).

Before I got pregnant with my son everything was running smoothly and I felt we had blended well. My DSC would come every weekend, we'd all spend time together, lots of outings and family camping trips and a big summer holiday every year. I had a great relationship with all 3 DSC and wasnt really worried about the new baby. How niave! I tried my best to continue this whilst pregnant and the children all seemed to accept the news well.

However since my son was born the children have all taken a huge step back. Whilst my daughter has adapted to her new role brilliantly, quite often only 1 or 2 of my DSC will come on the weekend and on occasion none of them will. The youngest DSD who is 8 didnt meet her baby brother until he was 8 weeks old, which I found incredibly sad and a bit hurtful if I'm honest. They often have reasons like feeling unwell, tired, homework, seeing friends etc but it's gotten to a point now where I feel there is a lot more to it.

My daughter misses them terribly when they don't come and none of them really have a bond with their baby brother at all. Infact when they do come they act as though he doesn't exist- which again just doesn't sit right with me.

We have tried to do as many things as a family as possible but DS isn't the easiest of babies and I can see their frustration when he interrupts a film by crying or when we can't be as outdoorsy as we once were.

We have booked a holiday for the summer, but were shocked to find 2 of the 3 DSC dont want to come, one preferring to spend the week with her friend and the other at an activity camp. I feel as though our family is divided and I have no idea how to make it better.

I can see how much it hurts DP to hear that they are not coming for another week, but I really don't know what more to suggest. I have suggested he goes out with the older children and spends some quality time with them but he thinks this will just divide us further.

I really am at a complete loss and am really upset by how the last few months have played out.

Sorry for rambling, I just have no idea how to move forward. I miss seeing and spending time with them as do my DP and DD.

The issue here though is that the father doesn’t want to spend separate time with his children from his first relationship because he doesn’t want to leave out the child from his current relationship.

The fact here is that he spends plenty of time with his child from his current relationship when the other children aren’t around and yet the other children are supposed to just slot in with his new family or not have time from him.

@ShutYoFace - how can YOU determine that the scs get no attention from their father?

cos it says so in the OP

Where in the op does it say this?

For the record DP is very hands on with all of the children, but the baby has been priority recently as he has spent his first few months absolutely miserable due to silent reflux.

I now know what we need to do to begin to put things right. I'm pretty sure they saw our home as a quiet place away from the hectic life they live at home, until another baby came along.

@FormerSugarAddict - I see where you're coming from but in truth there has to be a bit of both. If family life isn't upheld then the kids will think they're not being included in the 'family' & ops dp is correct to see how this could become an issue.
However if it's only family time then his dc never get 1:1 with him.
He & the op really need to chat to the kids and come up with a system where they get both.

They get plenty of attention just not without myself and my two children. I didn't realise the importance of 1:1 time as they've never asked for it and things were going so well pre baby.

@Magda72 the ultimate desire should be for both but the fact is that the children aren’t wanting to come over at all at the moment so it’s important that their father spend some time with them to establish what the issues really are. Especially as they seemed to be happy before the new baby arrived.

And let’s be honest, a baby is a shock to anyone’s system. OP has said herself that the baby has been hard work due to silent reflux and that she and the DP have had to spend a lot of time and energy dealing with that. So it stands to reason that said baby will have come as a shock to the children as well. the difference here though is that the OP and her DP have to be around to deal with it, whereas the DC have other options which they wouldn’t have had had they not been part of a blended family, but as they are they do have these options and it seems they have chosen to take them for now.

But it is down to their father to discuss this with them and to make them aware that although the baby is difficult at the moment this will not always be the case, and this doesn’t diminish their place in his life. Failure to do that will make the children feel pushed out. But if they get to spend time with him it’s likely that they will choose to come back, albeit that things will change as they get older and want to do more and more of their own thing.

Can't believe the op's DD was called a "cuckoo"

She's just as much a child as the other children are. FFS.

It could be something really simple like they were able to come to yours for a break from their younger siblings. Now they've just got more of the same when they do? Some kids just don't get the whole baby thing, especially if they are crying a lot. Perhaps your DP needs to do things that don't involve the baby and you just in the short term, and see how things go. And perhaps tell them that you miss their company and look forward to seeing them.

I would think these poor children are completely thrown by having 4 step children at home with mum then 2 at home with dad.
Bloody hell what a mess.
Your proposal to get the father to go out with them on his own & then to talk to them about what they'd like to do is good.
I think you're trying hard to ensure all the children are happy and that will eventually sink in. As long as they feel welcomed there isn't really much more you can do.

I wrote earlier my 3 don't see their dad now.

Not because of step children but because their dads gf was nasty and made sure they knew they were only there under duress. As their father didn't stick up for them ( they were not even allowed to leave a football behind let alone some spare clothes ) they took it as he didn't care so why should they. Had she been more like you this wouldn't have happened.
Good luck!

Seems they have been brought up as very self centered..common in those divorced families where parents try to overcompensate for the broken home. Leave them to it. They will come around eventually.

Please don't take this advice. They don't sound self centred and they probably won't come round eventually. MN is full of unhappy step parents and children where too little effort was made.

I've just read that they've got step siblings at home too. I should think they're fed up to the back teeth with step siblings and half siblings, sounds like they've got them coming out of their ears! Sadly your new baby has come along after all the novelty of new kids being around has worn off which if a bit rough on him.

They need some one on one time with their dad. No you, no boring baby, and no stepsister who sits in their dad's nest like a cuckoo

^ this is a harsh way of putting it...! But unfortunately it's not all about adults, life isn't always pretty and yes, children do see it this way at times

I know with my 2, they slid out of seeing their dad as regularly as he wanted them too. After a while I realised it was because they never, ever got any private time with him. His new wife had a daughter slightly older than them (they did get on) were always there. No fun activities with just them and dad. DD2 in particular took this to mean that, he preferred his step-daughter to them as he did more fun stuff with her/she was there all the time. Then his new wife got pregnant. I think it all became a bit much for them, and yes reaching pre-teen age they wanted to be out with mates, had also joined a theatre club etc.

Now DCs are in their early 20s, baby sis is 17 and they get on like a house on fire. She comes to stay over here at times.

I think there just comes a time in life when children grow wings as it were..develop their own interests. & you have to let them. They'll be back around OP, maybe not right now and perhaps not as regularly as you prefer, but it'll balance out

I think there just comes a time in life when children grow wings as it were..develop their own interests. & you have to let them.

two of them are under TEN. They aren't naturally leaving the nest, they are pushed out.

I also suspect a lot of fathers cop out of having to organise and do activities with DCs by themself, so leave it to their wife. She's the organised one, who cooks for everyone too. Hence she always has to be there. No private time with Dad. Children aren't stupid they pick up on this pretty quickly, that they're never to have dad to themselves even for a short time. My 2 see their dad occasionally now but to be honest they're not fussed about seeing him regularly at all.

Shut I wasn't talking about that aspect, I meant the teen really, and that the others would follow soon enough and be around less. More so for the reasons I related to in my post

The more I think about it all, the more I think they really need their Dad right now. This weekend I will push them out the door to do something together and once they return maybe have a bit of a chat and find out what they'd prefer and how we can help.

Good plan. But can I suggest one change?

It needs to come from their dad, not you. You have years of step parenting to do, and a big part of it, (in my experience,) is keeping your hands off the steering wheel even when you really really want to help.

They need their dad to step up and be their dad, and it won't be the same if they can see the strings being pulled, however much love that stringpulling comes with.

It's bloody hard when you just want to make all right, but that's step parenting. Difficult, and sometimes pretty thankless.

They aren't naturally leaving the nest, they are pushed out

They are not being pushed out! As I have said numerous times we want them around! It upsets my DP when they dont come!

Yes we may have been a little preoccupied with our baby but we have not pushed them out in any way, my DP is still there every weekend outside their house ready to bring them here.

As many others have said, they have several half and step siblings and I think the novelty has well and truly worn off. I agree that some regular quality time with their Dad is what they need right now as well as a chat to find out how they feel and how theyd like us to move forward.

I don't know what else you want me to do, there are 7 people in this family and I want the best for all of them.

MrsBertBibby-

I do agree with you in regards to it coming from DP, I have already thought about this.

I have been around for 5 years now and in those 5 years I have taken lead on majority of the planning, activities, days out, meals, holidays, gifts etc. Only because I am tons better at it and quite enjoy it!

A big step back from me and a big step forward from DP is needed I think! They need their Dad atm, not me.

OK, I think people are trying to see how the children may be feeling. A new baby can cause all kinds of disjointed noses among full siblings, so it is not in the least surprising that for kids with as complicated a family as this, there may be all sorts of feelings surfacing that you don't think are objectively justified.

Obviously no one is trying to push them out, but that doesn't mean they may not feel insecure or angry about where their place is now.

Especially the 13 year old.

OP, you say that your DP is outside their house every weekend, do they say they don’t want to come at the last minute like that?

Because if so then conversations do need to be had about communication etc. I have supported my DS’ in not going to his dad’s when he didn’t want to, but the one thing I have insisted on is that he needs to communicate this to his dad beforehand, as they will have e.g.made dinner etc. He’s old enough now that he can go there on his own, but in no way do I think that if the expectation was there that he be going he be allowed to back Out at that if my ex showed up on the doorstep to collect him.

Part of growing up is becoming independent, but part of that is also being responsible for your actions. My DS doesn’t stay at his dad’s now, but before when he did I had a rule that if he was staying in a different place that night i.e. deciding to stay at his dad’s an extra night or at mine instead of his dad’s, he needed to communicate that in the morning. This is especially relevant when there are three children to consider given meal planning etc.

Yes, always last minute. DP has requested that they get in touch by Thursday to let him know but they rarely do. DP will ring/text but to no reply so he turns up at his normal time regardless.

They are not being pushed out! As I have said numerous times we want them around! It upsets my DP when they dont come!

Youre not getting it. That is how THEY feel. Put your own view aside for one minute and try and appreciate that. You say they were fine until the baby and now they are not: do you really need it to be spelled out multiple times that they feel pushed out now that you have a new baby. Before he was still their dad and you were with him and your daughter was his step daughter and all was ok. But now he has a new baby and you are this family and he won't do anything with them alone.
Of course they FEEL pushed out!

DP will ring/text but to no reply so he turns up at his normal time regardless

Now that is bizarre.

Who is he ringing and texting? How many times?

Hi OP

Some good advice here about time for just dad and his three eldest and also about them wanting to be with their friends. There is quite a leap between your 6yo and the 8yo and that’s without taking into account that the 8yo will be looking up to his/her older siblings.

Do the older three bring their friends to yours? Can you handle a few sleepovers? On the holiday issue, could you re-plan it with a family conference so they can have a say? 13 yo may Now be worlds apart in terms of what they would like v 8 and 9yo, let alone 6yo, baby and adults.

Oh and ignore the disgusting ‘cuckoo’ comment - caveat emptor anyone needing a ‘family’ solicitor!