My partner can't cope with my son's apparent bad behaviour, it's tearing us apart

[nicky121825]

Myself and my children moved last year, to be with my partner, over 150 miles away.

The children have coped amazingly well with the move and have settled in well at school and clubs, despite their having to travel over 8 hrs every other weekend to their dad's house.

My partner has a 6 yr old daughter from a previous marriage who comes here every day and stays once during the week and every other weekend.

The issue is that my partner just cannot cope with my son's behaviour and I don't think he ever will have time for him in his life.

My 9 year old son is what I term to be a typical boisterous boy of his age (I have 2 other sons one older one younger also) I also have a degree in childcare which really opened my eyes to child behaviour, parenting etc. Since I can remember he has been harder work than the other two, he needs to be told to do something about 20 times, he has a lot of energy which at the minute is taken out by jumping on the sofa and swinging on the doors....things which I don't see as that major.

My partner thinks different, in fact he thinks different about pretty much everything my son does. He finds it very hard to deal with his not listening and boisterous behaviour, he thinks he does it on purpose to wind him up. But I know my son has always been like this, things go in one ear and out the other sometimes and he finds it hard to focus. But he has the most amazing sense of humour, is the kindest child I've ever met and is so sensitive and caring.

I do discipline when I think his actions require it, but jumping on the sofa and swinging on the door are no major issues in my eyes. He has no issues at school, is very well liked and his behaviour has never been a problem at both schools he has attended. Our family and friends think he's a bit wild at times but think the world of him, as he's funny and caring.

My partners answer to "yes but they don't have to deal with him everyday". I find myself defending my son constantly as I feel my partner just has it in for him, he cant cope with him not listening and thinks he is doing it to spite him (sometimes I think maybe he is) as he never gets spoken to at any other time apart from stop that, cut that out, get off that, behave etc.

I've spoken to my partner several times about this, we've had massive arguments where I'm desperate for him to spend time with my son, show him interest and love and you may see a different response. But his answer is, I will then when he behaves likes he should.

When he misbehaves now my partner comes to me to tell him to stop and then goes on a rant about his behaviour again...I've had enough of it, the negativity is draining me and our relationship. I'm on eggshells wondering what my son will "do wrong" next and subsequently when our next argument will be.

My other three children are very well behaved, they listen, do as they are told etc...but from time to time can misbehave...this never starts an argument, there is never a wallowing in their behaviour from my partner, they get a quick telling off and that's it.

Really need some advice on this as I don't know what to do anymore. I can't move my children again, they have been through a divorce, death of life long dog and move over 150 miles away all within 2 years.

Incidently I have tried to discuss all aspects of my sons behaviour as a result of wanting attention, feeling insecure, upset of routine from moving etc and what my partner should do about it to support him...it goes nowhere, he's not interested.

[NorthernSpirit]

Totally agree with above poster. I can’t believe anyone let’s a child jump on a sofa (damaging it and disrespecting things you’ve bought) or swinging on doors (where the kid could hurt himself). No way i’d Allow that. Posters who say they allow it - your kids sound out of control. Set them boundaries. Go they do that in other people’s homes? I’d be mortified. And if another child did that in my home i’d have no qualms telling them to stop.

[swingofthings]

I didn't take from OP' initial post that she was saying it was ok to jump or sofa/swing off doors, but that it wasn't a major issue. I read that OP did discipline her DS when he did it, but that she didn't feel it was a massive issue in that it sounds like her OH thinks that the boy actually does it on purpose to wind him up.

It's really hard to judge because we can't see the actual behaviour. Many children will run into the living room after a hype day and throw themselves feet first on the sofa. That usually gets a 'don't do this please and calm down' and is then forgotten.

That's very different to a kid using the sofa as a trampoline with OP and her OH sitting on the one next to it, and OP getting angry when her OH asks him to sit down and behave.

OP hasn't come back with is not surprising, but I got that the situation was more the first case than the last one.

[SandyY2K]

Sometimes it's hard to hear the truth...that's why OPs disappear.

If everyone said your DP is at fault...it's normal or okay to jump on sofas and swing on doors...it would be fine.

I really think for parents of 'energetic', 'boisterous' and 'lively' DC...they become immune to the behaviour and normalise it.

[MeridianB]

Did your kids and your partner know each other well before moving in? Why did you all have to go to him? Could you not have been the one doing the 8hours + travel every other weekend to go see him instead?

I was wondering this, too. How long have you and DP been together? Do you have any 2:1 or 1:1 time with your children?

Lots of useful insight on 9-year-olds here. I think the issue with your DP is bigger though and would really worry me. How would he feel if someone said/did that with his own daughter. She may have a stepfather one day, Perhaps you could point this out (calmly) as part of your discussion with him?

It sounds like you both need to compromise.

[yeahforfriday]

Goodness, I don't think it matters what anyone here thinks about jumping on sofas or swinging on doors. If you think it is ok then it is ok in your house. We did this as kids in our house - wasn't an issue at all for our parents. Whilst I take your point in that each to their own in their own homes, in this case it is causing an issue as it is not just the OP's house and her DP does mind.

[Exasperatedcroc]

I have no advice regarding your partner but just wanted to say that I have two DS (3 & 8) and quite a lot of jumping on sofas goes on in my house. Nothing better than putting on the radio and dancing/ jumping along to it on the sofa. I just made sure I bought a sturdy second hand sofa so that it could take the abuse. My eldest is an extremely well behaved child who always gets complemented for his manners in his school report. I don't think allowing him to jump on the sofa has done him any harm.

[waterrat]

I think the poor Op has had her thread derailed with this sofa talk.

Her new husband is being unkind and picking on a boy who has just hsf huge changes in his life.that is the point.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

I think the poor Op has had her thread derailed with this sofa talk.

Well no not really.

[Roxylouise6666]

Omg this is my life atm with my partner. He has 2 kids previous, I have 2 (my son is the handful) and we have two together. Has no time for my son and think he’s just rude. He ignores my kids if they annoy him and he says cos they disrespect him yet he’s different to his kids and they get away with stuff and allowed to do things mine can’t. I tell him he’s bullying them and it’s mental abuse. Never dreamt of this for my kids

[MeridianB]

Zombie thread....