My partner can't cope with my son's apparent bad behaviour, it's tearing us apart

[nicky121825]

Myself and my children moved last year, to be with my partner, over 150 miles away.

The children have coped amazingly well with the move and have settled in well at school and clubs, despite their having to travel over 8 hrs every other weekend to their dad's house.

My partner has a 6 yr old daughter from a previous marriage who comes here every day and stays once during the week and every other weekend.

The issue is that my partner just cannot cope with my son's behaviour and I don't think he ever will have time for him in his life.

My 9 year old son is what I term to be a typical boisterous boy of his age (I have 2 other sons one older one younger also) I also have a degree in childcare which really opened my eyes to child behaviour, parenting etc. Since I can remember he has been harder work than the other two, he needs to be told to do something about 20 times, he has a lot of energy which at the minute is taken out by jumping on the sofa and swinging on the doors....things which I don't see as that major.

My partner thinks different, in fact he thinks different about pretty much everything my son does. He finds it very hard to deal with his not listening and boisterous behaviour, he thinks he does it on purpose to wind him up. But I know my son has always been like this, things go in one ear and out the other sometimes and he finds it hard to focus. But he has the most amazing sense of humour, is the kindest child I've ever met and is so sensitive and caring.

I do discipline when I think his actions require it, but jumping on the sofa and swinging on the door are no major issues in my eyes. He has no issues at school, is very well liked and his behaviour has never been a problem at both schools he has attended. Our family and friends think he's a bit wild at times but think the world of him, as he's funny and caring.

My partners answer to "yes but they don't have to deal with him everyday". I find myself defending my son constantly as I feel my partner just has it in for him, he cant cope with him not listening and thinks he is doing it to spite him (sometimes I think maybe he is) as he never gets spoken to at any other time apart from stop that, cut that out, get off that, behave etc.

I've spoken to my partner several times about this, we've had massive arguments where I'm desperate for him to spend time with my son, show him interest and love and you may see a different response. But his answer is, I will then when he behaves likes he should.

When he misbehaves now my partner comes to me to tell him to stop and then goes on a rant about his behaviour again...I've had enough of it, the negativity is draining me and our relationship. I'm on eggshells wondering what my son will "do wrong" next and subsequently when our next argument will be.

My other three children are very well behaved, they listen, do as they are told etc...but from time to time can misbehave...this never starts an argument, there is never a wallowing in their behaviour from my partner, they get a quick telling off and that's it.

Really need some advice on this as I don't know what to do anymore. I can't move my children again, they have been through a divorce, death of life long dog and move over 150 miles away all within 2 years.

Incidently I have tried to discuss all aspects of my sons behaviour as a result of wanting attention, feeling insecure, upset of routine from moving etc and what my partner should do about it to support him...it goes nowhere, he's not interested.

[Coloursthatweremyjoy]

I work in childcare. Many of my colleagues have had degrees in this area. Unsure what the official title was but definite degrees.

OP I think that your children have had a massive amount of upheaval in their lives. Your son's behaviour will have a purpose, whether he's still processing the move, or he likes the sensations the bouncing and swinging give him, or he just has lots of excess energy. Your partner's attitude is not helpful...it sounds like he just doesn't like your son...I couldn't live with that.

I'd get a trampoline and a swing...and possibly some space.

[MaisyPops]

You say yourself he is "boisterous" and other friends think he's "a bit wild" at times. And he doesn't listen. Step back and ask yourself honestly if there might be something else going on with him, especially if he's always been like this when your other children are perfectly able to follow house rules and "behave".

It is also perfectly normal for your partner not to find his behaviour as easily excusable as you do. To be fair to him, I don't know many families where sofa jumping and door swinging are even remotely acceptable
This.
It's very easy for 'boisterous' to translate to doesnt follow instructions. Just off your post, i would also be having a similar voew to your partner.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Its not about the kids behaviour anyway

Well yes it is. I wouldn't allow a 9 year old to jump on sofas and swing on doors quite frankly.

[stitchglitched]

It isn't acceptable for an adult who has made a conscious decision to live with a child to refuse to engage with that child unless they toe the line. The onus is on adults who have contributed to a massive upheaval to young children to make an effort with them. Yes, correct unacceptable behaviour, but show an interest in them too, be kind to them and try to bond with them too.

[taskmaster]

Well yes it is. I wouldn't allow a 9 year old to jump on sofas and swing on doors quite frankly

This is a nine year old who has been moved far away from everything he knows, away from his father,and made to live with a man who doesn't like him and complains constantly about him, refusing to spend any time with him.
If you think the only issue here is him jumping on a sofa you are as clueless as his shitty "stepfather"

[DullAndOld]

hm yes i agree the sofa jumping is the least of OP's worries tbh.
I mean you could get him a little trampoline., but the partner will find some other reason why he dislikes him.

[ElChan03]

I don't know, maybe he thought because he was already a parent he would be able to bond with them but the reality of the OP parenting and the "boisterousness" of the child has proved overwhelming for him to try and bond. It's very hard to bond with a child that you deem to have behaviour as he may feel that would be treating the child or rewarding the bad behaviour.

I'm only speculating but I do feel this would be resolved with a frank conversation between op and dp, a family meeting to set house rules and some extra activities for the dc to burn off energy. I liked the trampoline idea.

[stitchglitched]

I have a 9 year old DS who has additional needs so can sometimes be a bit 'challenging'. The thought of him being uprooted from everything he knows and forced to live with an adult who couldn't tolerate him is the stuff of nightmares. What were you thinking OP?

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

If you think the only issue here is him jumping on a sofa you are as clueless as his shitty "stepfather"

Personal insults now. Nice

I'm not clueless. Nor have I said it's the only issue. Don't let the truth stop you throwing childish insults around though hey.

[Evelynismycatsformerspyname]

Didn't your partner and kids get to know one another before you moved in together?

I have ten and 6 year old boys and don't let them or their friends jump on the sofa. They can be wild. We all have our own limits as to what is ok and what crosses the line - I find it cool when they Climb door frames like monkeys but think jumping on the sofa is absolutely not acceptable... That combination may not be logical (and is probably just because I don't think I would have been able to shimmy up a door frame but jumping on the sofa requires no skill :o ). I do think unless there is a special need involved a child should fairly easily accept that jumping on the sofa is off limits.

Do you have outside space? I kick mine outdoors if they're being wild.

However I do agree that your kids come first - if your partner dislikes your child and picks on him endlessly the relationship is dead unless he can be more positive and your son can feel at home and accepted for who he is. You may well not be able to stay with this man and be a good parent to your son at the same time.

[swingofthings]

There's sofa jumping and sofa jumping though. I have two images in my head of the behaviour. The first one is a kid who is home from an exciting day, getting a little hyper, being a bit silly, and happen to jump on the sofa. It last 10-15 minutes to calm down after being asked to and won't be acting in such a way for a few weeks to come.

The other image is the kid who is using the sofa as a trampoline, screaming and shouting, looking at you in the eye and laughing when you ask them to stop, then go on to another boisterous activity after finally calming down 2 hours later... and starting again the next day.

The first scenario would be irritating, but something you can get used to. The second would drive most people insane, but I would think it is less likely to be the case if indeed, the child is well behaved at school.

[Bluntness100]

I think the people willfully throwing out insults are completely ignoring the fact there are two other sons who the partner gets on fine with and who behave normally.

And yes, willfull disobedience ( having to repeatedly be told) and jumping on sofas and swinging from doors is not acceptable behaviour from a nine year old in many adults eyes, the issue here is it is wholly acceptable to the op. She sees it as minor and doesn't wish to chastise him.

So they have different parenting methods, which is splitting them apart. It doesn't mean the partner is a shit dad, it can easily mean he has reached the end of his tether with this behavuour and the ops refusal to deal with it and continual minimising because she thinks it is ok.

[stitchglitched]

He gets on well with the other kids because they presumably meet his standards. That doesn't make it okay to ignore the one who doesn't.

[taskmaster]

I think the people willfully throwing out insults are completely ignoring the fact there are two other sons who the partner gets on fine with and who behave normally

Oh well then its definitely the kids fault and not the adults.

[Winteriscoming18]

It isn’t a normal behaviour for a child of that age no I have a 9 year old myself. I think he’s most likely at that age doing it on purpose tbh to wind your dp up. As stitch said he’s been uprooted from his own home, friends, father and extended family to a place he doesn’t know and a man who doesn’t tolerate him. I think it’s fair to say you’ve been unreasonable to move them away so far from their DF preventing them from having a decent relationship because a large amount of time is spent travelling 8hours which EOW is just far too much for a children to be travelling all the time then going back to school on the Monday.

[Evelynismycatsformerspyname]

The thing is that if the relationship between the son and mother's partner has broken down, and the adult thinks it's entirely up to the child to fix, the child is going to be living in an environment where he is disliked and seen as a problem. Even if he is naughty, he doesn't deserve to be disliked by the person in the stepdad role for the next 7-9 years until he moves out.

The mother's partner is not willing to make any effort and only criticised and speaks negatively to the child. That's no environment for a child to call home.

Even if the child's own behaviour caused the rift, the male adult in the home now has nothing good to say about him, despite having a good relationship with 3 other children who live in the house.

Easy to slip into a scapegoat role at 9 in that scenario, and hard to change it once it's ingrained. Very unlikely to be in the child's interests to stay living in that set up.

[stitchglitched]

Bizarre that a 9 year old is supposed to go through his parent's marriage breakdown, bereavement of a beloved pet, leaving behind his father and his friends, changing schools, gaining a stepparent, gaining a stepsibling, travelling 8 hours every fortnight to see his Dad, will no impact on his behaviour but an adult man can't possibly be expected to tolerate a kid jumping on the sofa.

[DullAndOld]

^ what stich said

[muttmad]

Its a difficult one, in theory when a family blends both partners are meant to accept the others children as their own and love and treat them equally, in practice its not always that easy especially when one child is by you're own admission, boisterous and disrespectful to the house of your partner.
Your instincts are to defend your son and quite rightly however it does sound like your sons behaviour is quite extreme and maybe you need to set boundaries for your sons behaviour in the house, and find ways for your partner and your son to spend time together that they may both enjoy... a new hobby etc
Your partner is an adult and needs to step up and try to bond but at the same time you do need to try and help your son understand about respecting property etc

[DarthArts]

I'm not sure people are saying it's the child at fault.

Imho the child's behaviour is unacceptable but the problems have arisen because of how the OP and her partner have responded to it.

The fact they are not unified in their view is a major problem.

The OP is minimising/enabling leaving her partner to put up with very taxing behaviour over which he has no control - other than to withdraw from the relationship. I think both of them are wrong in these approaches and creating a toxic environment for all the children.

They need to sit down and talk seriously about how to move forward because the current situation isn't sustainable.

[Biglettuce]

A 9 year old jumping on the sofa and swinging on the doors is a major behaviour issue. That’s crazy! It would drive anyone to frustration.

Your son probably knows it’s off limits, I doubt any of his friends do it, and is possibly enjoying it winding up your DP.

Parent up!

If you want to make a step Family work, you have to stop excusing your sons behaviour, and start making the home harmonious. You have to stop blaming your DP. He’s a child too and the place has to have a level of behaviour that isn’t destructive - jumping on sofas and hanging off doors is destructive.

[swingofthings]

behave normally
I really hate it when people use these two words together. There is no such thing as 'behaving normally'. We are not clones, we don't all act the same, we all have our personalities.

It doesn't mean that people including children can act with a care for how their behaviour impact on others but expecting kids (and adults) to act the way that suits and then label it as 'normal' is a very self-centered attitude.

[Bellamuerte]

It sounds like all of the other children in the house adhere to acceptable standards of behaviour, while the son in question is disobedient when told what to do and is permitted to engage in unacceptable behaviour like sofa jumping and door swinging, and is not being disciplined for his bad behaviour. Not saying it's the child's fault - he clearly hasn't been taught what appropriate behaviour is. Tbh I agree with the DP - the son's standard of behaviour needs to be addressed. Wanting attention is no excuse for repeatedly being naughty - if he has issues resulting from divorce and upheaval then therapy would be a better solution than simply permitting him to act out.

[Starlight2345]

The question hasn’t been asked what was his behaviour like before the move ?

I have a 10 year old Ds with Adhd and he doesn’t jump on sofa’s or swing on doors .