My partner can't cope with my son's apparent bad behaviour, it's tearing us apart

[nicky121825]

Myself and my children moved last year, to be with my partner, over 150 miles away.

The children have coped amazingly well with the move and have settled in well at school and clubs, despite their having to travel over 8 hrs every other weekend to their dad's house.

My partner has a 6 yr old daughter from a previous marriage who comes here every day and stays once during the week and every other weekend.

The issue is that my partner just cannot cope with my son's behaviour and I don't think he ever will have time for him in his life.

My 9 year old son is what I term to be a typical boisterous boy of his age (I have 2 other sons one older one younger also) I also have a degree in childcare which really opened my eyes to child behaviour, parenting etc. Since I can remember he has been harder work than the other two, he needs to be told to do something about 20 times, he has a lot of energy which at the minute is taken out by jumping on the sofa and swinging on the doors....things which I don't see as that major.

My partner thinks different, in fact he thinks different about pretty much everything my son does. He finds it very hard to deal with his not listening and boisterous behaviour, he thinks he does it on purpose to wind him up. But I know my son has always been like this, things go in one ear and out the other sometimes and he finds it hard to focus. But he has the most amazing sense of humour, is the kindest child I've ever met and is so sensitive and caring.

I do discipline when I think his actions require it, but jumping on the sofa and swinging on the door are no major issues in my eyes. He has no issues at school, is very well liked and his behaviour has never been a problem at both schools he has attended. Our family and friends think he's a bit wild at times but think the world of him, as he's funny and caring.

My partners answer to "yes but they don't have to deal with him everyday". I find myself defending my son constantly as I feel my partner just has it in for him, he cant cope with him not listening and thinks he is doing it to spite him (sometimes I think maybe he is) as he never gets spoken to at any other time apart from stop that, cut that out, get off that, behave etc.

I've spoken to my partner several times about this, we've had massive arguments where I'm desperate for him to spend time with my son, show him interest and love and you may see a different response. But his answer is, I will then when he behaves likes he should.

When he misbehaves now my partner comes to me to tell him to stop and then goes on a rant about his behaviour again...I've had enough of it, the negativity is draining me and our relationship. I'm on eggshells wondering what my son will "do wrong" next and subsequently when our next argument will be.

My other three children are very well behaved, they listen, do as they are told etc...but from time to time can misbehave...this never starts an argument, there is never a wallowing in their behaviour from my partner, they get a quick telling off and that's it.

Really need some advice on this as I don't know what to do anymore. I can't move my children again, they have been through a divorce, death of life long dog and move over 150 miles away all within 2 years.

Incidently I have tried to discuss all aspects of my sons behaviour as a result of wanting attention, feeling insecure, upset of routine from moving etc and what my partner should do about it to support him...it goes nowhere, he's not interested.

[SongsOfInnocence]

Do you have a garden and could you get a trampoline? Sounds like your son needs to somehow channel his surplus energy into something that’s a little easier on the sofa springs and your partner’s nerves. Could you encourage him to get into sports, maybe something that involves lots of running or cycling, or martial arts that may help him expend his energy in a more controlled way?

[livefornaps]

Fair play, get him a trampoline to channel his energy if you want him to settle down in the house, but the odds are by the time that's sorted your partner will have found another reason not to like him. The comment about your friends "they don't have to see him everyday" should be a big red flag - presumably you made this decision together??! He's acting as if he has a nine year old squatter in the house!! You CHOSE this life, both of you, together. The children did not.

[stitchglitched]

I would be heartbroken if I was their Dad. Effectively written out of having any meaningful involvement in their life.

[yorkshireyummymummy]

Totally agree with livefornaps

From what you have said your needs have come before those of your children. They suffered a doggy death and a divorce then you decided to move them150 miles away from all their friends , family, school and their DAD. Then , they have the joy of an 8 hour journey every other weekend to see their dad. Just because you wanted to live with your new bloke. Selfish.

You have a degree in childcare yet you think it’s ok for a nine year old boy to swing on doors and jump on the sofa? God, if it wasn’t real life it would be laughable. This sort of behaviour is never acceptable.
I think you should put your kids first. Sit them down without your new bloke and his daughter and ask them what they want. Then 👂 listen to them.
I’m amazed friends and family didn’t counsel you against this seemingly hasty move. How well did your kids and your dp know each other before you hoiked them four hours away?

Maybe you should use your degree to examine your own life.
What were you thinking??

[Twinkie1]

Remove the word apparent from your title and there you have it.

[Lovemusic33]

I think your probably regretting moving?

It doesn’t sound like normal 9 year old behaviour to me, jumping on the sofa and swinging on doors isn’t behaviour I would expect from a 9 year old and if mine did it they wouldn’t do it for a 2nd time. The fact you are no on edge worrying about upsetting your dp is only going to make things worse.

I think you either need to step up the dicapline, if your ds is not listening then I think you need to get him accessed as he sounds hyperactive and not very responsive to you trying to calm him down.

You can’t live on the edge worrying about upsetting your dp and resenting your ds, things have to change or you need to move out (go back home). Merging families is always hard, even more so if you parent differently.

[BiilyJoBaker]

Swinging on doors we stopped by putting a chin up bar in his doorframe. He swings from that instead.

Not bothered about sofa jumping. Or bed jumping. Climbing up doorframes is a standard game, they race each other. Vaulting dining room chairs soon stopped when one got tipped and DS broke his wrist.

They aren’t allowed to fuck around in the kitchen or near upstairs windows.

[WitchesHatRim]

*I do discipline when I think his actions require it, but jumping on the sofa and swinging on the door are no major issues in my eyes.?

They most certainly would be in this house.
Not acceptable for a 9 year old.

[DarthArts]

I have to agree with most of the pp's.

At 9 years old having to be repeatedly told to do things and jumping on the sofa/swinging on doors is bad behaviour. I presume he is capable of behaving at school, if so there is no reason to behave this way at home other than you allowing it.

That said it's your choice how to parent but you need to see your partner doesn't share the same view (and I think most people would agree with him wrt the behaviour you describe).

So firstly you either continue forward in a way that doesn't seem sustainable to me, or you need to make some changes.

I think a trampoline is a great idea to allow your DS to burn off some energy. Put a stop to the sofa jumping/door swinging. Make clear he is expected to do as he is asked and there are consequences for not doing so.

If you deal with the behaviour then hopefully your partner will start to engage positively in the relationship. However if he doesn't then I think you need to consider if this relationship is sustainable.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

You and your partner are BOTH failing to deal with his behaviour properly. He's withholding affection and ailing, you're not addressing behaviour that needs to be addressed.

Has he been assessed for anything? DD has ADHD and doesn't swing off doors and can listen most of the time.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Sulking not ailing!

[jaimelannistersgoldenhand]

My sons were certainly fidgety and active at age 9 but would definitely not be allowed to swing from doors or jump on sofas past the age of 2 or 3. I can see why your partner is pissed off. Do you have a garden or nearby park where your ds can burn off energy?

How much did your partner know about your son? If he knew that you allowed sofa jumping etc then he's unreasonable to invite you to live with him and get pissed off by said sofa jumping. If you knew that your partner was stricter than you then you were unreasonable to move in with him before negotiating middle ground.

[sirlee66]

But, surely your DP knew of your DS's behaviour before you moved in with him? How can DP suddenly change his mind?

[CiderwithBuda]

Maybe a trampoline for your son to jump on? He can't be allowed to jump on sofas and swing from doors.

[CurlyRover]

Sofa jumping and door swinging are banned in our house too. I can completely see where your DP is coming from.

That said, different people have different rules. If you two can't work together as a team (which is what you should be) do you really think this relationship is for you?

[Bluntness100]

Is there such a thing as a degree in childcare

I'm with your partner, a nine year old jumping on the sofa and swinging from doors would be totally unacceptable to me, a point blank refusal to listen, which is the exact same as disobedience, and have to be repeatedly told would result in sanctions, you clearly have very different views on parenting to many other people, inc your partner.

This is fine, but I don't think you can live together, I also couldn't live with a child who continuously disobeyed and jumped on the sofa and swung from the doors.

[taskmaster]

Honestly, I'd move out and back to where you came from, but then I wouldn't have moved them 8 hours away from their dad in the first place.
Your boyfriend does not care about your son. You need to get him and the rest of him out of that environment.

[Gazelda]

OP, would you allow your DS to swing on doors and jump on sofas at a friend's house? I know that this is his home, but maybe your DP is expecting DS to respect property in the family home as he would at other people's?

[taskmaster]

rtft. Its not about the kids behaviour anyway, its about the boyfriends behaviour.

[swingofthings]

It is such a difficult position, I really feel for your OP. The problem is that we do get used to the way our children are, and when you have years of getting used to calm children, it's really hard to cope with a boisterous one. At the same time, I totally agree with you that boisterous doesn't mean bad in any way.

My two children have a very calm nature, they are more intellectual minded and never cared about role play and although sporty, don't have extra physical energy. I got used to this, so when I am around kids who are more energetic, I find it very hard to cope with. It is the case with my Godchild. He is full of beans, loud, always on the go, excited etc.... and one afternoon with him and I come home absolutely shattered. His mum though is so used to it, it doesn't phase her at all. On the other hand though, he is such a friendly funny kid. My boy was always quite shy around adults, not very interested in them, certainly not engaging in conversations beyond politely answering their questions before they gave up. My GC however is brilliant to talk to. Even though he is now 11, he will actually take the phone to call me for a chat. This is so foreign to me and I love it. Like your son, he is no trouble at school at all.

I really don't know what the solution is as neither you nor your OH are wrong. I do sympathise with your OH as if my GC had to come and live with me, I think I would go mad, however, at the same time, I don't think it is right to expect your son to be someone he isn't just to please your OH. It's a really tough one.

[DullAndOld]

it's such an old story isn't it?
Your partner wont stop going on about this until your son has been demonised and sent to live with his dad.
Trust me.

[stitchglitched]

This is just another thread where children have been forced into a crappy situation because of the wants of adults and are then demonised for not being compliant enough.

[DullAndOld]

exactly stitch.
I wonder if the partner will suggest the dad's, or boarding school. Guaranteed to be one or the other.
Reminds me of the Cat in the Hat movie.