My partner can't cope with my son's apparent bad behaviour, it's tearing us apart

[nicky121825]

Myself and my children moved last year, to be with my partner, over 150 miles away.

The children have coped amazingly well with the move and have settled in well at school and clubs, despite their having to travel over 8 hrs every other weekend to their dad's house.

My partner has a 6 yr old daughter from a previous marriage who comes here every day and stays once during the week and every other weekend.

The issue is that my partner just cannot cope with my son's behaviour and I don't think he ever will have time for him in his life.

My 9 year old son is what I term to be a typical boisterous boy of his age (I have 2 other sons one older one younger also) I also have a degree in childcare which really opened my eyes to child behaviour, parenting etc. Since I can remember he has been harder work than the other two, he needs to be told to do something about 20 times, he has a lot of energy which at the minute is taken out by jumping on the sofa and swinging on the doors....things which I don't see as that major.

My partner thinks different, in fact he thinks different about pretty much everything my son does. He finds it very hard to deal with his not listening and boisterous behaviour, he thinks he does it on purpose to wind him up. But I know my son has always been like this, things go in one ear and out the other sometimes and he finds it hard to focus. But he has the most amazing sense of humour, is the kindest child I've ever met and is so sensitive and caring.

I do discipline when I think his actions require it, but jumping on the sofa and swinging on the door are no major issues in my eyes. He has no issues at school, is very well liked and his behaviour has never been a problem at both schools he has attended. Our family and friends think he's a bit wild at times but think the world of him, as he's funny and caring.

My partners answer to "yes but they don't have to deal with him everyday". I find myself defending my son constantly as I feel my partner just has it in for him, he cant cope with him not listening and thinks he is doing it to spite him (sometimes I think maybe he is) as he never gets spoken to at any other time apart from stop that, cut that out, get off that, behave etc.

I've spoken to my partner several times about this, we've had massive arguments where I'm desperate for him to spend time with my son, show him interest and love and you may see a different response. But his answer is, I will then when he behaves likes he should.

When he misbehaves now my partner comes to me to tell him to stop and then goes on a rant about his behaviour again...I've had enough of it, the negativity is draining me and our relationship. I'm on eggshells wondering what my son will "do wrong" next and subsequently when our next argument will be.

My other three children are very well behaved, they listen, do as they are told etc...but from time to time can misbehave...this never starts an argument, there is never a wallowing in their behaviour from my partner, they get a quick telling off and that's it.

Really need some advice on this as I don't know what to do anymore. I can't move my children again, they have been through a divorce, death of life long dog and move over 150 miles away all within 2 years.

Incidently I have tried to discuss all aspects of my sons behaviour as a result of wanting attention, feeling insecure, upset of routine from moving etc and what my partner should do about it to support him...it goes nowhere, he's not interested.

[MaisyPops]

Isnt it wonderful how so many people have perfectly behaved children?
Nobody is claiming they have perfect children though.
They are saying that they agree with fhe DP that climbing on door frames and jumping on the sofa is not an inevitable part of havinb an energetic child, but a child who has been allowed to do those things (something the OP says she doesn't have a problem with).

Nobody is saying their children are perfect, they are saying they think the DP's expectation of basic behaviour standards is reasonable.

In my experience:

• boisterous / lively / energetic are used as sweeteners by some for loud and disruptive
  
• mums of more lively boys tend to be the ones to defend their ds using succh euphemisms
  
• parents of disruptive children tend to be very quick to assume everyone has a personal vendetta against their child rather tjan that perhaps their child should behave

[stitchglitched]

There are also quite a few posters who think it is acceptable for the DP to refuse to engage with this child for the mortal sin of jumping on a sofa. A man who the child has been taken 150 miles from his Dad to live with full time.

[Greensleeves]

OP, I know how bruising it is to have half of MN come down like a ton of bricks. Someone on here once told me my ds1 was an "annoying little twat". But if you and your DP are going to move forward, you have got to compromise on where your threshold for acceptable behaviour lies. I don't particularly mind door-swinging and sofa-jumping either, my two have never gone in for it (they're just relentlessly fucking verbal) but friends' visiting children have and it doesn't push my buttons as much as some other stuff does. Your DP can't tolerate it though. Many, many people find it totally unacceptable. So I guess really you have to tighten up on his behaviour, partly for your DP's sanity and partly because your lovely, funny, caring boy might nt be as well-liked as he deserves to be if he doesn't rein it in.

[Yvest]

My children are definitely not perfectly behaved but they don’t jump on sofas or hang off door frames because I find it utterly unacceptable. Just like I don’t have cushions off sofas or allow jumping on beds. That doesn’t make my children perfectly behaved it means that I expect my children to have some respect for he possessions in our house. If they want to jump and swing there’s a garden out the back of a park up the road. My sofa is not a trampoline and my door frames are not a gymnasium.

[TickyTakky]

Family therapy?

[MaisyPops]

stitchglitched
Have they said it's fine to ignore and not engage with a child or have they said they understand where he is coming from because thry also agree thay jumping on sofas and swinging on door frames isn't appropriate behaviour?

If they've said he' fine to ignore a child then that's awful.

I don't think he should ignore the child, but i do think the child needs to learn that furniture isn't your own personal climbing frame and there is a chance the OP is falling into the trap of 'but he's my lovely boy so he's just energetic/lively/boisterous' when to others he is misbehaving.

Put it this way, he isn't in trouble at school and is very well behaved at school. So i'm willing to bet he isn't jumping on things or climbing door frames at school. He just knows that he can do it at home abd mum won't mind and will side with him if DP says anything.

I would imagine the DP's frustration comes less from having a child jumping on furniture and more because he is watching his housr and possessions get climbed over whilst mum goes 'awww but that's what he's like. Don't say anything to him'.

If the OP said 'actually no you don't do x y z' and followed it up then all tbis situation would resolve. If he has extra energy then he needs a constructive outlet, not freedom to jump around the place.

[swingofthings]

*In my experience:

• boisterous / lively / energetic are used as sweeteners by some for loud and disruptive
  
• mums of more lively boys tend to be the ones to defend their ds using succh euphemisms
  
• parents of disruptive children tend to be very quick to assume everyone has a personal vendetta against their child rather tjan that perhaps their child should behave*
  

Sometimes, but at other times, it really is the adult who is the problem. How many of us had very strict grandparents who told us off all the time for our 'bad behaviour', which was yet acceptable at home and made us not like that grand parent much and dread going to their house?

As said, I would go mad if I had to look after my Godchild for a week, but it wouldn't be because of him misbehaving, it would with me struggling to cope with it because I am not used to 'lively' children.

The problem here is that OP is caught is a vicious circle. He is struggling with the behaviour which is stressing him and making him feel anxious. As a result, it is making him not like the kid maybe even starting to make him dislike him much. OP is trying to encourage him to spend more time with the son so they can build a bond and therefore her DS would be more likely to respond to his disciplining, however, OH won't do this because he just doesn't want to spend quality time with a kid he doesn't like and think it would be pointless to even try.

He wants OP to sort the behaviour thinking that if his behaviour was a bit better, he could try to start liking the child, she wants him to make an effort to bond with him, so that he will respond to his demand better.

I really don't know how you break that cycle unless both make an effort jointly, but for that, you actually have to want to do it and be positive that it will make a difference in the end. At the moment, it sounds like neither are prepared to do that.

[Aridane]

Your son’s behaviour is unacceptable. Even your family think he is ‘wild’

[Bekabeech]

I disagree with most.
Yes your son shouldn't be jumping on furniture etc. But your DP is an adult and needs to take the adult decision to like and interact with your son regardless.
Your DP sounds unpleasant to only interact with a child when they are good. Of course it could be your relationship with your DP which is at fault, and you undermining him which has led to him withdrawing.

[Crusoe]

No way would I accept sofa jumping and hanging on door frames. My DS is a similar age, has adhd, poor listening skills and is very, very active. He would never do those things (but would love to) because he knows it is disrespectful to our home and not allowed.
Your partner sounds childish in his thinking and your poor kids sound like they have been through an awful lot. Time to take stock I would have thought.

[HappyLollipop]

Jumping on sofas and swinging off doors is unacceptable behaviour so I do agree with your DP on that, some house rules would be good. I don't like the sound of your DP attitude towards your son at all, he needs to spend time with him one on one there should be no excuses about that.

[AllPizzasGreatAndSmall]

I'm waiting for the OP new poster to return before bothering to join the discussion.

[elektrawoman]

Bekabeech - I agree with you that the DP needs to take the adult responsibility here and engage rather than a chilldish ‘I’ll engage if the child behaves’. Your children have had a massive upheaval in their lives which he doesn’t seem to be taking into account. Your son will be missing his dad and his friends, in this situation it’s inevitable there will be some behaviour difficulties.
However OP I also think you need to look a bit more objectively at your DS’s behaviour. I have a boisterous 9 yr old boy too, so believe me I know where you are at. If I let him swing on doors and jump on sofas he would! By 9 they do need to learn to manage their impulses though. My DS also finds it hard to listen and concentrate. As you have done a childcare degree I am probably telling you how to suck eggs here but has your DS been checked for any learning/hearing/physical issues? We went to see an Occupational therapist for our DS which helped as they gave us advice and exercises to manage his physical behaviour. Does your DS do sports to use up his energy and give him skills for self-discipline? Martial arts, rock climbing etc?

My DH finds my son’s behaviour frustrating at times but we talk about it together and come up with solutions. As you rightly say, constant criticism and focusing on negative behaviour is not helpful. It will likely only make your son’s behaviour worse. Could you ask you partner to sit down and have a talk about a way forward? Choose a time when you are both calm and not tired and without the kids around. Could you explain to him the reason behind your parenting methods, perhaps give him some articles to read? But then you both have to be prepared to compromise. I would say my parenting style is more relaxed than my DHs so we’ve had to learn to meet in the middle.

We’ve also learnt to be able to comment on the other’s parenting in a non-judgemental way and without taking offence (e.g. ‘do you think you came down a bit harsh on DD then? she has been trying so hard this week’ or ‘you seem stressed with the kids today, are you OK?’) - but it’s taken many years to get to this point - in a new relationship I can imagine this would be a lot harder. As someone else has said maybe family therapy could help?

[WellThisIsShit]

Your DP is acting like a little child. Very unattractive. And very damaging to the actual child he has decided to single out and refuse to include in his family. Poor kid.

[elektrawoman]

Ekphrasis made some very good points too - a trampoline would be very helpful - sensory seeking also sprung to mind with the swinging. There’s lots you can do to help. With my DS it was explained to me that he is likely to always be energetic and active, it’s not something you grow out of, but the aim is to give him the ability to manage his own behaviour and target it in more positive ways.

[HolgerDanske]

Not going to comment on the thread as people have already made my points, but just wanted to say yes, of course there are degrees childcare. How odd that you wouldn’t know that.

[SandyY2K]

Boisterous and lively are often used as a descriptors for poor behaviour.

That doesn't mean we all have perfect DC.

I honestly don't blame the OPs DP.... probably because I've little patience for behaviour that parents accept as normal.

[lunar1]

Is this behaviour new to your child or is it just since you moved in with your partner. If you had plenty of time together as a unit before the final move I can't see why this is a shock to him.

I personally cant abide the behaviour described, but I know some parents allow it. If I was your dp I would have put a stop to the whole process of moving in together the second I saw this happen.

[SD1978]

I’m not sure if you moved in with partner, or to a new one place together, but I would not be happy with a 9 year old bouncing on sofas and swinging off doors. That’s not boisterous, that’s just poorly behaved. I understand you’ve always accepted his behaviour and brushed it off, but your partner obvious doesn’t feel the same way- and has no issue with the other kids which don’t seem to be hyperactive. I understand your frustration, but can you not see your partners frustration too? A qualification in childcare, seems vastly different to coping with what seems to be an out of control 9 year old. Is he able to modify his behaviour at school? Or does he act the same? Is it just with your partner he is out of control or in general? I think your son needs more boundaries set at home, and that maybe then your partner would be able to spend more time with him and be able to work on their relationship.

[isadoradancing123]

Your sons behaviour is unacceptable, you answer your own question when you say that your boyfriend is ok with your other kids, so ovpbviously this boy has issues

[MaisyPops]

Is he able to modify his behaviour at school? Or does he act the same?
OP says he's fine in school and well behaved.
It sounds classic child knows where boundaries are and how to behave. In. This case mum allows me to do x y z so I'll do it. Mum will also tale my side if DP says anything so I'll carry on.

He doesn't sound like a bad child at all. He sounds like a typical child who works to the boundaries he has been given, in this case quite lax ones about behaviour in yhe home.

[waterrat]

Wow what a hideous pile in on the OP

Reading this I felt very sorry for this 9 year old. The dh is now in a father role and is being unkind and not taking a pro active loving approach.

I let my kids jump on the sofa btw never heard such a load of pompous shit as on this thread.

Op please dont let this ruin your sons childhood. Stand up for him please.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

I let my kids jump on the sofa btw never heard such a load of pompous shit as on this thread.

Good for you. I don't know anyone that allows a 9 year old to jump on sofas and swing on doors.

Not pompous shit at all.


HTH