My partner can't cope with my son's apparent bad behaviour, it's tearing us apart

[nicky121825]

Myself and my children moved last year, to be with my partner, over 150 miles away.

The children have coped amazingly well with the move and have settled in well at school and clubs, despite their having to travel over 8 hrs every other weekend to their dad's house.

My partner has a 6 yr old daughter from a previous marriage who comes here every day and stays once during the week and every other weekend.

The issue is that my partner just cannot cope with my son's behaviour and I don't think he ever will have time for him in his life.

My 9 year old son is what I term to be a typical boisterous boy of his age (I have 2 other sons one older one younger also) I also have a degree in childcare which really opened my eyes to child behaviour, parenting etc. Since I can remember he has been harder work than the other two, he needs to be told to do something about 20 times, he has a lot of energy which at the minute is taken out by jumping on the sofa and swinging on the doors....things which I don't see as that major.

My partner thinks different, in fact he thinks different about pretty much everything my son does. He finds it very hard to deal with his not listening and boisterous behaviour, he thinks he does it on purpose to wind him up. But I know my son has always been like this, things go in one ear and out the other sometimes and he finds it hard to focus. But he has the most amazing sense of humour, is the kindest child I've ever met and is so sensitive and caring.

I do discipline when I think his actions require it, but jumping on the sofa and swinging on the door are no major issues in my eyes. He has no issues at school, is very well liked and his behaviour has never been a problem at both schools he has attended. Our family and friends think he's a bit wild at times but think the world of him, as he's funny and caring.

My partners answer to "yes but they don't have to deal with him everyday". I find myself defending my son constantly as I feel my partner just has it in for him, he cant cope with him not listening and thinks he is doing it to spite him (sometimes I think maybe he is) as he never gets spoken to at any other time apart from stop that, cut that out, get off that, behave etc.

I've spoken to my partner several times about this, we've had massive arguments where I'm desperate for him to spend time with my son, show him interest and love and you may see a different response. But his answer is, I will then when he behaves likes he should.

When he misbehaves now my partner comes to me to tell him to stop and then goes on a rant about his behaviour again...I've had enough of it, the negativity is draining me and our relationship. I'm on eggshells wondering what my son will "do wrong" next and subsequently when our next argument will be.

My other three children are very well behaved, they listen, do as they are told etc...but from time to time can misbehave...this never starts an argument, there is never a wallowing in their behaviour from my partner, they get a quick telling off and that's it.

Really need some advice on this as I don't know what to do anymore. I can't move my children again, they have been through a divorce, death of life long dog and move over 150 miles away all within 2 years.

Incidently I have tried to discuss all aspects of my sons behaviour as a result of wanting attention, feeling insecure, upset of routine from moving etc and what my partner should do about it to support him...it goes nowhere, he's not interested.

[Biglettuce]

And also... if anyone thinks this is a normal and ok response to a break up and the OPs DP has to just put up or shut up. What if that was going on in School?

Can you imagine a teacher being told to put up with a nine year old standing on chairs because they are the adult - and the mother thinks it’s ok so just to let it go on?

[swingofthings]

The question hasn’t been asked what was his behaviour like before the move ?
OP says in her first post that he has always been like that.

[Mishappening]

Sofa jumping and door swinging - NO.

The basic rule with discipline is that both the adults/parents in the house MUST agree over discipline in front of the child - argue about it later, but NOT in front of the child.

You need to talk quietly and rationally with your partner and come to agreements about what is and what is not allowed; and what the sanctions should be.


This might involve you giving way to his view on some issues; the ones above are a case in point.

You will push him away and subject these children to a second broken relationship if you do not give him some control over what happens in his (and your) home. They may be your children, but it is his home too, and what he ism able to stand needs to be an important factor in your decisions. If he feels you are "defending" your children against his views, you will push him away.

[swingofthings]

You have a degree in child care and yet you move 150 miles away and make your poor children live with a man who isn't their dad before they've even adjusted to the divorce?
My mum did this.... twice, when I was 7 and then 11. Oh and again when I was 14, although not as far. I wasn't traumatised. Why can't OP post be true?

OP' OH certainly shouldn't have to put up or shut up, it will have to be a case of compromising, but it sounds like he is too stressed with it at the moment to even consider any compromises.

[Biglettuce]

OP you’ve made this situation. You!

I know it sounds harsh. But not once have you acknowledged that your DP has a point. Do that. Stop the sofa / door stuff and get on top of parenting. Tell your DP you were wrong to dismiss him.

Then I’d enroll your 9 year old in lots of after school and weekend sports etc to give him an outlet and improve his focus. And start seeing your DP one to one sometimes, go out one evening regularly. Save your relationship.

[Starlight2345]

If he has always behaved this way then this is not a typical way a 9 year old boy behaved and while you might have a degree in childcare it is far harder to stand back and look at your own child objectively.

I would be looking into a parenting course as this is not normal 9 year old behaviour

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

@taskmaster - surely the child’s behaviour is relevant to the discussion, because it is this which the OP’s partner is responding to - we can’t comment on the man’s reactions in isolation from the causes of those reactions.

For me, it comes down to a simple question - is this man reacting in a fair and proportionate way to the child’s bad behaviour, and would he react in the same way if his child, or any of the OP’s other children jumped on the sofa or swung on the door repeatedly, or is he being unfair and punishing/reprimanding this child for things the others are getting away with?

I also think it is relevant that jumping on furniture and swinging on doors is not generally seen as acceptable behaviour, and this lad is doing these things repeatedly - that would make me cross. However, I do not blame the child for this - it sounds as if the OP is excusing the behaviour letting him get away with it, and is doing nothing to address the situation.

The child’s behaviour is relevant because the OP needs to do something about it - she needs to sit down with her partner, acknowledge that he is not being unreasonable to be cross at the sofa-jumping and door-swinging, and decide on some positive measures to address the behaviour and improve the relationship between her son and her partner.

Maybe they could go to the park together and ride bikes, play on the playground equipment or kick a ball around - that will help the boy burn off excess energy, and having fun with his mum’s partner should help improve their relationship.

To @Nicky121825 I would say this - you say you don’t see jumping on the sofa or swinging on the door to be a problem - well, I think you might change that view when another child’s fingers get trapped in the door, or the sofa is broken or the door comes off its hinges!

You need to accept that this is actually unacceptable behaviour, and you need to decide what you are going to do about it. At the moment, it doesn’t sound as if you are doing much, and this is forcing your partner into the role of being the cross adult, while you are the lenient parent.

[Toyboysrus]

Why did you need to move you and the dc halfway across the country so that they have a ridiculously long journey to see their dad? Why didnt you and dc stay where you were and just you do the 8 hours eow and see your dp while dc were with their dad?

[SoozeyHoozey]

Very selfish behaviour to uproot your kids to move 150 miles away for a fella.

[silkpyjamasallday]

I'm shocked that you thought blending two families after less than two years as a couple was going to be a positive step for your children. Selfish in the extreme to force all that extra upheaval on them and take them away from their father, friends and school so you could play happy families with a new boyfriend who barely knew you or your children. Now you are clashing over parenting and your son will be acting out more because he is being picked on. You put your children in this situation and I don't see it getting better, you and your partner clearly have very different ideas about what is acceptable and you are both stubborn. Move out, probably back to where you were before, you can be the one to travel 8 hours to see your boyfriend eow rather than forcing children to miss out on time with their dad.

[Toyboysrus]

Yes yes yes, Soozey and Silk!!

[DarthArts]

Hang on a bit....

From what the OP wrote the children have settled well following the move.

I'm not going to say moving away was ideal, but we don't know the backstory here and how supportive the children may/may not have been about it initially.

The idea that the OP should move "back" uprooting them again is not particularly helpful if they are now settled where they are.

The child in question seemingly behaved this way prior to the move - so the assumption he's acting out as a result of it is stretching logic at best.

[SandyY2K]

Jumping on the sofa and swinging on the door ate not normal for a 9 year old. It would annoy me too, so I see where he's coming from.

Has your son been tested for behavioural issues?

I honestly think you need to move out or split up.

[purplecorkheart]

Honestly the swinging on the door and the jumping on the couch is a bit much for a nine year old. I suggest you all sit down and have a family meeting about acceptable behaviour and what is not.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I’d like to speak up in favour of some of the DPs behaviour, he’s NOT trying to tackle the behaviour on his own, sounds like he’s long since given up as OP will undermine him, he’s trying to get her to step up and patent her raucous son and referring issues to her.

This is exactly what SMs are always told. It’s not their job to discipline and be the bad cop.

As it happens, while I’m always the good cop because it’s one of the perks of stepparenthood, I do tell them to knock it off if they’re jumping on stuff or bashing each other about. But that only works when the parent backs you up and you show a united front. In this case, he’s doing the right thing.

Saying he’s now too stressed to bother until the her child stops acting up is appalling, but he gets credit for trying to get to handle it. I doubt life is panning out how he’d expected and he’s still making an effort with the other DC. Tension between the adults is to be expected when OP is excusing behaviours almost no one on here would put up with from their own DC. My steps are younger than this boy and if anyone referred to them as boisterous or wild I’d be mortified.

[Chugalug]

My second eldest son ,at age 9 was similar to how you describe...we faced a lot of pressure to have him tested for ADHD... we refused..he's 18 now...A* for GCSEs and predicted same for Alevels...thank god I stuck to my guns and refused ,or he'd of been on meds in a blink of an eye..secondary school didn't have a single problem with him..wild he was at 9 ...by 14 he was like an adult calm and focused on exams...my sons problem ,was his environment..I was home educating him ,and his elder brother who is autistic...once I split them up ,he was like a changed child...I think your son probably feels the resentment from your partner I expect he misses his dad ,and his old friends...you have removed your family from your ex and friends who would of supported you...if your partner really and truly wants to put you and your children first ,he will move with you all back to the security your family had in the old place ...

[SandyY2K]

but an adult man can't possibly be expected to tolerate a kid jumping on the sofa

Why should he tolerate it? It's unacceptable and the fact that the OP has no issue with it, is probably why he does it.

I often find mothers of boys pass off bad behaviour as being "boisterous" or he's "full of energy".

No ..it's bad behaviour and needs dealing with.

In the past when mine were younger...I would make up an excuse to go home when friends children just bounced around the place.... rolling on the floor getting rough.

I was scared they'd injure themselves...it just made me nervous.

[gingergenius]

Don't think the OP is coming back! Lots of contributing issues but no sofa jumping and door swinging not ok in my house. And my eldest is ADHD and ASD. Still never accepted that as appropriate behaviour. But suspect the OP is long gone!

[stitchglitched]

Why should he tolerate it?

He doesn't need to tolerate it, but it isn't behaviour that warrants him refusing to engage or build a relationship with this child who he is now living with full time. And he needs to take some responsibility for blending families so quickly and in such a disruptive way.

[SandyY2K]

I'd lose patience with a child and not want to engage with a child not listening in those circumstances. It's not normal behaviour.

My experience is that parents (mum's especially) of children like this, become immune to the behaviour and normalise it.

It just becomes irritating and unfortunately can put you off the child.

Taking the boy 8 hours away from his dad is another issue altogether.

[BlueFlowerPot]

Nicky, what you said about your partner telling he will only spend the time with your son when he behaves right, that just nailed it. I have the same here and it is the most hurtful thing ever. Every single child is different, some are energetic, some are quiet, some are grumpy, some are not, no matter how much you try. Unfortunately, your son is full of energy and obviously your partner can't cope. On one hand, fair enough, he is not his father and he might be fairly irritated, but to make such a condition that he will spend the time with him only when he starts behaving, that is bad. My partner would have this "conditions" all the time. My son was not his son, and whatever he did that was not "the behaved happy to go scenario", was wrong, had to be discussed. I felt so much on edge too. I moved out, which was the most heartbreaking thing ever, of course the heart loves the man, but the man is damaging your child. It's a damn difficult one. Now we live separated, and he says he will move back in again "if my son behaves", if I can guarantee that. That just sums it up. I heard about successful stories where the men take the children on board and treat them in the good times and the bad times. Not obviously our case.

[Ekphrasis]

I'd approach this a replacement sensory option for your son - trampette, a door frame pull up thing that he can use if he really needs to and maybe find some calming options too.

Talk to your Dh about things like sensory processing or sensory seeking behaviour and explain the behaviour.

Ds sounds like he'd really benefit from some rough and tumble play; maybe judo? Which wax invented for children. The structure is really good. Maybe could do with Dp?

[MaisyPops]

Every single child is different, some are energetic, some are quiet, some are grumpy, some are not, no matter how much you try. Unfortunately, your son is full of energy and obviously your partner can't cope
There is a difference between being a little energetic/full of beans and misbehaving jumping on sofas and climbing on door frames.
Sometimes too many people like to confuse the 2 (usually mums of boys in my experience).

Nobody should have to cope with a child willfully ignoring basic instructions. But then again what this little boy has is 2 siblings who understand how to behave, a step dad who (like almost everyonr else on this thread) does not consider jumping om furniture to be approrpiate behaviour and a mum who lets him do all this and then gets annoyed at her partner as if he is the unreasonable one.

[MaisyPops]

Should clarify, that's it's usually mums of more disruptive boys who tend to gloss over it euphemistically saying they are lively, boisterous, full of beans and then dismiss behaviour most consider unacceptable as being 'part of boys being boys'.