My partner can't cope with my son's apparent bad behaviour, it's tearing us apart

[nicky121825]

Myself and my children moved last year, to be with my partner, over 150 miles away.

The children have coped amazingly well with the move and have settled in well at school and clubs, despite their having to travel over 8 hrs every other weekend to their dad's house.

My partner has a 6 yr old daughter from a previous marriage who comes here every day and stays once during the week and every other weekend.

The issue is that my partner just cannot cope with my son's behaviour and I don't think he ever will have time for him in his life.

My 9 year old son is what I term to be a typical boisterous boy of his age (I have 2 other sons one older one younger also) I also have a degree in childcare which really opened my eyes to child behaviour, parenting etc. Since I can remember he has been harder work than the other two, he needs to be told to do something about 20 times, he has a lot of energy which at the minute is taken out by jumping on the sofa and swinging on the doors....things which I don't see as that major.

My partner thinks different, in fact he thinks different about pretty much everything my son does. He finds it very hard to deal with his not listening and boisterous behaviour, he thinks he does it on purpose to wind him up. But I know my son has always been like this, things go in one ear and out the other sometimes and he finds it hard to focus. But he has the most amazing sense of humour, is the kindest child I've ever met and is so sensitive and caring.

I do discipline when I think his actions require it, but jumping on the sofa and swinging on the door are no major issues in my eyes. He has no issues at school, is very well liked and his behaviour has never been a problem at both schools he has attended. Our family and friends think he's a bit wild at times but think the world of him, as he's funny and caring.

My partners answer to "yes but they don't have to deal with him everyday". I find myself defending my son constantly as I feel my partner just has it in for him, he cant cope with him not listening and thinks he is doing it to spite him (sometimes I think maybe he is) as he never gets spoken to at any other time apart from stop that, cut that out, get off that, behave etc.

I've spoken to my partner several times about this, we've had massive arguments where I'm desperate for him to spend time with my son, show him interest and love and you may see a different response. But his answer is, I will then when he behaves likes he should.

When he misbehaves now my partner comes to me to tell him to stop and then goes on a rant about his behaviour again...I've had enough of it, the negativity is draining me and our relationship. I'm on eggshells wondering what my son will "do wrong" next and subsequently when our next argument will be.

My other three children are very well behaved, they listen, do as they are told etc...but from time to time can misbehave...this never starts an argument, there is never a wallowing in their behaviour from my partner, they get a quick telling off and that's it.

Really need some advice on this as I don't know what to do anymore. I can't move my children again, they have been through a divorce, death of life long dog and move over 150 miles away all within 2 years.

Incidently I have tried to discuss all aspects of my sons behaviour as a result of wanting attention, feeling insecure, upset of routine from moving etc and what my partner should do about it to support him...it goes nowhere, he's not interested.

[MeridianB]

Zombie thread....

[Roxylouise6666]

Omg this is my life atm with my partner. He has 2 kids previous, I have 2 (my son is the handful) and we have two together. Has no time for my son and think he’s just rude. He ignores my kids if they annoy him and he says cos they disrespect him yet he’s different to his kids and they get away with stuff and allowed to do things mine can’t. I tell him he’s bullying them and it’s mental abuse. Never dreamt of this for my kids

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

I think the poor Op has had her thread derailed with this sofa talk.

Well no not really.

[waterrat]

I think the poor Op has had her thread derailed with this sofa talk.

Her new husband is being unkind and picking on a boy who has just hsf huge changes in his life.that is the point.

[Exasperatedcroc]

I have no advice regarding your partner but just wanted to say that I have two DS (3 & 8) and quite a lot of jumping on sofas goes on in my house. Nothing better than putting on the radio and dancing/ jumping along to it on the sofa. I just made sure I bought a sturdy second hand sofa so that it could take the abuse. My eldest is an extremely well behaved child who always gets complemented for his manners in his school report. I don't think allowing him to jump on the sofa has done him any harm.

[yeahforfriday]

Goodness, I don't think it matters what anyone here thinks about jumping on sofas or swinging on doors. If you think it is ok then it is ok in your house. We did this as kids in our house - wasn't an issue at all for our parents. Whilst I take your point in that each to their own in their own homes, in this case it is causing an issue as it is not just the OP's house and her DP does mind.

[MeridianB]

Did your kids and your partner know each other well before moving in? Why did you all have to go to him? Could you not have been the one doing the 8hours + travel every other weekend to go see him instead?

I was wondering this, too. How long have you and DP been together? Do you have any 2:1 or 1:1 time with your children?

Lots of useful insight on 9-year-olds here. I think the issue with your DP is bigger though and would really worry me. How would he feel if someone said/did that with his own daughter. She may have a stepfather one day, Perhaps you could point this out (calmly) as part of your discussion with him?

It sounds like you both need to compromise.

[SandyY2K]

Sometimes it's hard to hear the truth...that's why OPs disappear.

If everyone said your DP is at fault...it's normal or okay to jump on sofas and swing on doors...it would be fine.

I really think for parents of 'energetic', 'boisterous' and 'lively' DC...they become immune to the behaviour and normalise it.

[swingofthings]

I didn't take from OP' initial post that she was saying it was ok to jump or sofa/swing off doors, but that it wasn't a major issue. I read that OP did discipline her DS when he did it, but that she didn't feel it was a massive issue in that it sounds like her OH thinks that the boy actually does it on purpose to wind him up.

It's really hard to judge because we can't see the actual behaviour. Many children will run into the living room after a hype day and throw themselves feet first on the sofa. That usually gets a 'don't do this please and calm down' and is then forgotten.

That's very different to a kid using the sofa as a trampoline with OP and her OH sitting on the one next to it, and OP getting angry when her OH asks him to sit down and behave.

OP hasn't come back with is not surprising, but I got that the situation was more the first case than the last one.

[NorthernSpirit]

Totally agree with above poster. I can’t believe anyone let’s a child jump on a sofa (damaging it and disrespecting things you’ve bought) or swinging on doors (where the kid could hurt himself). No way i’d Allow that. Posters who say they allow it - your kids sound out of control. Set them boundaries. Go they do that in other people’s homes? I’d be mortified. And if another child did that in my home i’d have no qualms telling them to stop.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

I let my kids jump on the sofa btw never heard such a load of pompous shit as on this thread.

Good for you. I don't know anyone that allows a 9 year old to jump on sofas and swing on doors.

Not pompous shit at all.


HTH

[waterrat]

Wow what a hideous pile in on the OP

Reading this I felt very sorry for this 9 year old. The dh is now in a father role and is being unkind and not taking a pro active loving approach.

I let my kids jump on the sofa btw never heard such a load of pompous shit as on this thread.

Op please dont let this ruin your sons childhood. Stand up for him please.

[MaisyPops]

Is he able to modify his behaviour at school? Or does he act the same?
OP says he's fine in school and well behaved.
It sounds classic child knows where boundaries are and how to behave. In. This case mum allows me to do x y z so I'll do it. Mum will also tale my side if DP says anything so I'll carry on.

He doesn't sound like a bad child at all. He sounds like a typical child who works to the boundaries he has been given, in this case quite lax ones about behaviour in yhe home.

[isadoradancing123]

Your sons behaviour is unacceptable, you answer your own question when you say that your boyfriend is ok with your other kids, so ovpbviously this boy has issues

[SD1978]

I’m not sure if you moved in with partner, or to a new one place together, but I would not be happy with a 9 year old bouncing on sofas and swinging off doors. That’s not boisterous, that’s just poorly behaved. I understand you’ve always accepted his behaviour and brushed it off, but your partner obvious doesn’t feel the same way- and has no issue with the other kids which don’t seem to be hyperactive. I understand your frustration, but can you not see your partners frustration too? A qualification in childcare, seems vastly different to coping with what seems to be an out of control 9 year old. Is he able to modify his behaviour at school? Or does he act the same? Is it just with your partner he is out of control or in general? I think your son needs more boundaries set at home, and that maybe then your partner would be able to spend more time with him and be able to work on their relationship.

[lunar1]

Is this behaviour new to your child or is it just since you moved in with your partner. If you had plenty of time together as a unit before the final move I can't see why this is a shock to him.

I personally cant abide the behaviour described, but I know some parents allow it. If I was your dp I would have put a stop to the whole process of moving in together the second I saw this happen.

[SandyY2K]

Boisterous and lively are often used as a descriptors for poor behaviour.

That doesn't mean we all have perfect DC.

I honestly don't blame the OPs DP.... probably because I've little patience for behaviour that parents accept as normal.

[HolgerDanske]

Not going to comment on the thread as people have already made my points, but just wanted to say yes, of course there are degrees childcare. How odd that you wouldn’t know that.

[elektrawoman]

Ekphrasis made some very good points too - a trampoline would be very helpful - sensory seeking also sprung to mind with the swinging. There’s lots you can do to help. With my DS it was explained to me that he is likely to always be energetic and active, it’s not something you grow out of, but the aim is to give him the ability to manage his own behaviour and target it in more positive ways.

[WellThisIsShit]

Your DP is acting like a little child. Very unattractive. And very damaging to the actual child he has decided to single out and refuse to include in his family. Poor kid.

[elektrawoman]

Bekabeech - I agree with you that the DP needs to take the adult responsibility here and engage rather than a chilldish ‘I’ll engage if the child behaves’. Your children have had a massive upheaval in their lives which he doesn’t seem to be taking into account. Your son will be missing his dad and his friends, in this situation it’s inevitable there will be some behaviour difficulties.
However OP I also think you need to look a bit more objectively at your DS’s behaviour. I have a boisterous 9 yr old boy too, so believe me I know where you are at. If I let him swing on doors and jump on sofas he would! By 9 they do need to learn to manage their impulses though. My DS also finds it hard to listen and concentrate. As you have done a childcare degree I am probably telling you how to suck eggs here but has your DS been checked for any learning/hearing/physical issues? We went to see an Occupational therapist for our DS which helped as they gave us advice and exercises to manage his physical behaviour. Does your DS do sports to use up his energy and give him skills for self-discipline? Martial arts, rock climbing etc?

My DH finds my son’s behaviour frustrating at times but we talk about it together and come up with solutions. As you rightly say, constant criticism and focusing on negative behaviour is not helpful. It will likely only make your son’s behaviour worse. Could you ask you partner to sit down and have a talk about a way forward? Choose a time when you are both calm and not tired and without the kids around. Could you explain to him the reason behind your parenting methods, perhaps give him some articles to read? But then you both have to be prepared to compromise. I would say my parenting style is more relaxed than my DHs so we’ve had to learn to meet in the middle.

We’ve also learnt to be able to comment on the other’s parenting in a non-judgemental way and without taking offence (e.g. ‘do you think you came down a bit harsh on DD then? she has been trying so hard this week’ or ‘you seem stressed with the kids today, are you OK?’) - but it’s taken many years to get to this point - in a new relationship I can imagine this would be a lot harder. As someone else has said maybe family therapy could help?

[AllPizzasGreatAndSmall]

I'm waiting for the OP new poster to return before bothering to join the discussion.

[HappyLollipop]

Jumping on sofas and swinging off doors is unacceptable behaviour so I do agree with your DP on that, some house rules would be good. I don't like the sound of your DP attitude towards your son at all, he needs to spend time with him one on one there should be no excuses about that.