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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Disrespectful Stepdaughter

53 replies

Wineinthebath · 22/01/2018 10:46

Hi I'm a very longtime lurker and finally found a username that's not too outing and isn't already being used!

I'll try to be concise. Been living with my partner and his kids (Son is 11, daughter is 12) for 2 years. We also have a 4 month old son and we are getting married later this year.

My DP's ex wife moved back to her native country (Scandinavia) when they split up, the children were 5 and 6 at the time. The children have seen their mum just 4 times since.

I have a good relationship with both of DP's kids and love them very much.

But since DSD started secondary school, she has completely changed. She has always put her absent mother on a pedestal, but this past year has started to blame my DP for her Mum leaving. She answers him back all the time, is vile towards her brother; swearing at him, calling him ugly etc. She won't eat anything that we cook for her, surviving on pot noodles or pasta that she makes herself.

As for school, it's feels like she just doesn't care. She's constantly in detention for supposedly forgetting to do her homework, or for talking, and it's always someone else's fault, not hers. She boasts about the detentions and doesn't seem to see them as a punishment. The school keep making her go to intervention tuition sessions due to her poor performance- most of which she hasn't gone to, there's always a lame excuse as to why she didn't go.

The only things she's interested in are hanging around town with her friends, spending money and sitting in her bedroom taking endless pouty selfies with those weird animal filters on.

It doesn't help that we live in a 2 bed flat, and she has to share a room with her brother (we can't afford to rent somewhere bigger at the moment, unless we move away and they'd have to change school) She refers to DP's parents' house as her home, and when told to tidy her side of the room she refuses, with "I don't care, I don't live here". She spends several nights a week at DP's parents' (where she eats everything without complaining) and to be honest it's a relief when she's there - the atmosphere at home is so much more relaxed when it's just me and the boys.

The weird thing is, she doesn't have a problem with me - it's just her Dad and brother that she's so disrespectful to - she never mouths off at me. I guess I am a lot more patient with her than her Dad is, although my patience is wearing a bit thin now.

I don't know what I'm asking really - maybe just a hand hold and some sage advice from anyone that's been through similar and got to the other side. She's only 12 - please tell me it gets better!

PS she is absolutely brilliant with her baby brother - first thing she does when she gets back from school is give him a cuddle.

OP posts:
HangingRock · 22/01/2018 12:04

Starting secondary would have been at the same time as her baby brother being born. Maybe seeing you mother the new baby and her starting secondary have both contributed to her starting to feel the hurt of her mother leaving her and not being there for her. What about family counselling or some sort of counselling or camhs for her?

HangingRock · 22/01/2018 12:07

Just to add, you sound like you have a great relationship with her which is a credit to you

Blackteadrinker77 · 22/01/2018 13:23

She's 12, they start to act like teens at that age.

You have to be very firm with them. She has to know she can not talk to her brother that way.

Not having a room at that age is a biggie though. Can you really not rent a 3 bed? Can you convert half the living room or anything?

swingofthings · 22/01/2018 13:24

Sounds like there's a bit of typical teenage angst that many face at that age mixed with some deeper issues. The first need to be tackled with discipline and calm (and picking battles), the other needs serious consideration. It might be time to look into counselling.

To be fair, your living conditions are indeed really not right and she shouldn't be sharing with her brother at that age. 4 people and a baby in a 2 bedroom flat must be very stressful and suffocating and that might contribute to her feeling she wants to break free.

The obvious question is whether she could move with her grandparents but assume this is not an option? I agree, credit to you to remain so calm and patient, especially with a baby.

debbs77 · 22/01/2018 13:27

Sounds like she is feeling the effects of her absent mother and taking those feelings out on everyone else. Family therapy might be the way to go.

Rather than her dad get frustrated with her, has anyone tried just giving her a hug? Positive words, positive actions etc etc etc

RatherBeRiding · 22/01/2018 13:28

12 can be a tricky age, but - regardless - a 12 year old girl and an 11 year old boy sharing a room really isn't good. I think I'd be prioritising the living situation quite highly - you've got 5 people in a 2 bed flat. How much time realistically can you leave it? She'll be a teenager soon, and starting her periods (if not already started) and will need some privacy.

MrsMotherHen · 22/01/2018 13:32

I think you definitely need to sort the sleeping arrangements out at that age she needs her own space.
Living room with sofa bed for you and husband and give her her own room.

Goosegrass · 22/01/2018 15:44

Yes you need to sleep on a sofa bed on the living room. She needs privacy. As does her brother.

Original poster
Wineinthebath · 22/01/2018 16:42

I do agree that our living situation needs to be sorted out - it's a maisonette with stairs, which is not practical once the baby goes mobile, plus we haven't got room for a cot for him either (he's in a bassinet in our room at the moment)

DSD does stay round her grandparents a few nights a week to get some space (her choice) but a permanent move there is not an option.

We have considered either moving to a different part of the country all together or moving to my hometown, which is about an hour away from here but much more affordable (and won't affect work for either of us) It would mean that the kids would have to change schools - both of them don't want to, (DSS starts at secondary school in September and wants to go to the same one as his sister and his friends) but as DSD doesn't seem to be getting on too well at school, maybe it would be a good thing?

OP posts:
livefornaps · 22/01/2018 16:47

You're talkimg about the house being inconvenient for the baby - what about the two, bigger children??!

Did you have to share with a brother when you were her age?

Where is her private space where she can get on with her work?

Do you or your husband ever sit with her a bit to help her with homework? It's a really really big step up from primary to secondary - has she had enough support?

Original poster
Wineinthebath · 22/01/2018 19:59

Thank you for all your replies. I think it's true that she probably hasn't had enough support with starting secondary school - her baby brother was born in September and spent two weeks in hospital with jaundice, so her dad and I weren't there for her as much as we should have been at that time.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 22/01/2018 23:05

You really have to minimise any more dramatic changes for your step children. They are an age where it will very soon be completely inappropriate for them to share a room.

Remember the first time your period leaked all over the bedsheets? How much worse would it be if your brother was there. I'd have never slept with worry.

Then there is your dss, he will be waking up with normal teen boy responses. He should also have privacy from his sister.

They can't go through puberty in the same bedroom. The best you can do for now is you and your partner move to the lounge and give them a bedroom each until you can afford to move somewhere big enough locally.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 22/01/2018 23:27

I think much of this is her being able to stay away several nights a week.

I appreciate that this is a relief, however it can make a child grow up too quick, or at least think they are, giving them a too loose and ungrounded structure in their lives.

She needs a good solid base, where she can’t flirt to granny’s whenever she likes. She sounds like she’s slowly but surely slipping from security - losing confidence and a sense of how to treat others. Her brother is being bullied by her effectively.

swingofthings · 23/01/2018 06:52

The fact that she is vile with her brother indicates that indeed, the main issue is her privacy. Some children are more needy of their own place than others. My DS would certainly end up depressed if he didn't have his own room as he is quite introverted and need that place where he can let go and just be himself without feeling suffocated.

I understand that you might live somewhere expensive but are you sure there is no way you can afford something else locally. The extra room doesn't have to be big, or it could be that it has a separate dinning room you can turn into your bedroom. It doesn't have to be walking distance to the school, they can take a bus if you can move to a cheaper area. Are you sure you are claiming all you are entitled to? Is their mum paying child maintenance?

Friedgreen · 23/01/2018 06:59

I think you need to budget for a bigger house. 2 bedrooms for 5 people just doesn’t work. My guess is around 80 per cent of the problems will go away when your DD has her own private space. Also, I mean this kindly, but she’s probably not acting out with you as she isn’t as close to you - kids tend to act out in ‘safe spaces’. She probably feels ‘safer’ letting her guard down in front of her dad, which is good, but I strongly suggest you don’t actively take the lead here to resolve any issues.

Winteriscoming18 · 23/01/2018 10:06

I agree with the other posters I think you might find her behaviour won’t be as bad if she had her own personal space. I would have been mortified if I had to share a bedroom with my brother at that age when your starting to develop. No wonder she is so sharp and mean with him. I think you need to find more suitable accommodation even if it requires moving area. For now I would suggest you give up your bedroom and sleep in the living room.

Original poster
Wineinthebath · 23/01/2018 11:43

I guess my OP was just me sounding off about DSDs behaviour and seeking some support, the thread wasn't meant to be about our current living situation- we are well aware that needs to change .

As for us sleeping in the lounge, DP already does - we don't sleep together. Giving the kids there own rooms will help them but not both DP and I's sleep issues.

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 23/01/2018 11:48

Why don't you sleep together so that your step daughter can have a room? What sleep issues are a greater need than hers?

Her behaviour likely stems from feeling that she isn't important. Teens spend a lot of time in their rooms, they need their own space.

VimFuego101 · 23/01/2018 11:57

I agree with others you need to sort the living situation out. I had to share my two siblings and it had a huge impact on my mental health - there was nowhere to run to and simply calm down or get some peace, it drove me to self harm at points. Or do you think she might be better living full time at her grandparents for now? Does she understand that you are trying to sort out a solution, and that you do know its important to get her her own space?

What is the situation with her mother - does she even speak to her on a regular basis? It sounds like she has her somewhat on a pedestal - not surprising since her mother has so little contact and doesn't do things like discipline and setting rules.

If it helps, DSD was like this for some time and was horrific to DH, but seems to have come through it somewhat now.

HangingRock · 23/01/2018 12:02

I'm not sure i agree with people who seem to be suggesting that giving the girl her own room will resolve everything. I imagine her mother abandoning her will be contributing to her behaviour too.

lunar1 · 23/01/2018 12:47

Giving her her own room won't resolve everything, but it is a very small step in the right direction.

Why can you sleep in the lounge with your dp? The two of you have chosen this situation, the two pre teens haven't.

Winteriscoming18 · 23/01/2018 12:50

It wouldn’t fix everything no but it’s something op has to suck up even if they have a settee set up it’s not acceptable for two dc of the opposite sex sharing whilst on the verge of starting puberty or might have already done so.

Winteriscoming18 · 23/01/2018 12:53

I would have been mortified at that age to be going through several changes in my body whilst sharing what should be a personal space with my younger brother.

KayaG · 23/01/2018 13:10

They can't go through puberty in the same bedroom. The best you can do for now is you and your partner move to the lounge and give them a bedroom each until you can afford to move somewhere big enough locally.

Well. even for MN, that's just stupid. Adults give up bedroom for children? No. Kid sleeps in lounge? OK if they want to.

Winteriscoming18 · 23/01/2018 13:20

So what happens kaya when the op and dp want to watch tv where do the dc go? Surely a teenager should be allowed the basic need of some privacy in order to change?

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