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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Disrespectful Stepdaughter

53 replies

Wineinthebath · 22/01/2018 10:46

Hi I'm a very longtime lurker and finally found a username that's not too outing and isn't already being used!

I'll try to be concise. Been living with my partner and his kids (Son is 11, daughter is 12) for 2 years. We also have a 4 month old son and we are getting married later this year.

My DP's ex wife moved back to her native country (Scandinavia) when they split up, the children were 5 and 6 at the time. The children have seen their mum just 4 times since.

I have a good relationship with both of DP's kids and love them very much.

But since DSD started secondary school, she has completely changed. She has always put her absent mother on a pedestal, but this past year has started to blame my DP for her Mum leaving. She answers him back all the time, is vile towards her brother; swearing at him, calling him ugly etc. She won't eat anything that we cook for her, surviving on pot noodles or pasta that she makes herself.

As for school, it's feels like she just doesn't care. She's constantly in detention for supposedly forgetting to do her homework, or for talking, and it's always someone else's fault, not hers. She boasts about the detentions and doesn't seem to see them as a punishment. The school keep making her go to intervention tuition sessions due to her poor performance- most of which she hasn't gone to, there's always a lame excuse as to why she didn't go.

The only things she's interested in are hanging around town with her friends, spending money and sitting in her bedroom taking endless pouty selfies with those weird animal filters on.

It doesn't help that we live in a 2 bed flat, and she has to share a room with her brother (we can't afford to rent somewhere bigger at the moment, unless we move away and they'd have to change school) She refers to DP's parents' house as her home, and when told to tidy her side of the room she refuses, with "I don't care, I don't live here". She spends several nights a week at DP's parents' (where she eats everything without complaining) and to be honest it's a relief when she's there - the atmosphere at home is so much more relaxed when it's just me and the boys.

The weird thing is, she doesn't have a problem with me - it's just her Dad and brother that she's so disrespectful to - she never mouths off at me. I guess I am a lot more patient with her than her Dad is, although my patience is wearing a bit thin now.

I don't know what I'm asking really - maybe just a hand hold and some sage advice from anyone that's been through similar and got to the other side. She's only 12 - please tell me it gets better!

PS she is absolutely brilliant with her baby brother - first thing she does when she gets back from school is give him a cuddle.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 23/01/2018 13:35

The children haven't chosen to live in this way, their dad has chosen it for them. So no, the step children shouldn't be paying the price for adults choices and sleeping on a sofa.

Bluedoglead · 23/01/2018 13:37

Why can’t you and DP get a sofa bed and let the wee lassie havesome private space. It really isn’t appropriate for her to be sharing with her brother any more.

QuiteLikely5 · 23/01/2018 13:46

Perhaps her mother has been in touch? Via social media?

QuiteLikely5 · 23/01/2018 13:49

Fgs I do not see why everyone is going on about sleeping arrangements! In times gone by numerous siblings shared a bedroom and it didn’t harm them.

The op is obviously suffering due to the housing crisis/costs etc

BitOutOfPractice · 23/01/2018 13:51

I think all that sounds pretty typical for a child starting secondary school, let alone one who has been left behind by her mother, sharing with a DB and the upheaval of a new baby all at the same time.

swingofthings · 23/01/2018 13:58

So you have one of the two bedroom alone with your baby, your OH has one large room for him and the two children have to share one? Surely you can see how a teenage desperate for space would feel resentful of this arrangement and lash out.

It's no surprise she runs to her nan for a break, that's probably the only thing keeping her sane (and the brother).

swingofthings · 23/01/2018 13:59

By the way, it's no criticism of you as a SM, you seem to very much care for her, but maybe habit if clouding your ability to see how your living arrangement is seriously impacting on her.

FinallyHere · 23/01/2018 14:01

and the title of this thread is ... disrespectful step daughter.

Thehogfather · 23/01/2018 14:10

I think too the new baby could be a large part of it. Her own mother abandoned her, and it must be hard having a daily demonstration of how normal mothers don't do this. Not that I'm suggesting you ignore her and just stare lovingly at the baby all day, but if you're a normal loving mum she will have noticed the difference.

Likewise at 12 she presumably knows it's affordability that prevents her having privacy, but at the same time she started needing her own room you and dp instead decided you can afford another child. And she's obviously sensible enough to blame her dad, rather than the baby, for having another child when he can't provide fully for her.

I think at the very least you need to find a way to divide the largest room with plywood or similar. Not just because of privacy around puberty, but so she can invite friends home etc rather than having to hang around town.

Lillyvanilla · 23/01/2018 14:26

Instead of getting married, wouldnt it be more sensible to sort out proper living arrangements? As others have pointed out, your sdc need their own space.

Winteriscoming18 · 23/01/2018 15:46

QuiteLikely5 There’s a big difference in two sisters sharing a bedroom or two brothers but not two dc close in age both starting puberty sharing a bedroom.

Winteriscoming18 · 23/01/2018 15:46

Who are the opposite sex

Original poster
Wineinthebath · 23/01/2018 17:23

There is no law in this country against children of the opposite sex sharing a room (maybe there should be).

I shouldn't have to explain why DP and I don't sleep together (as the thread is meant to be about DSDs behaviour not our sleeping arrangements - this is a board about step parenting, isn't it?! Smile)

We will be moving as soon as we can afford it - in the meantime DSD will continue to stay at her grandparents when she needs a break - with all the upheaval she's had, Nana's house is constant and she feels secure there.

The kids understand that money is tight and why they are still in the same room. There is a large closet off of their bedroom with a desk and the computer in where they do their homework, and DSD usually gets dressed/ready for school in the bathroom.

I know that our living situation is not helping with her behaviour issues, but also she hasn't transitioned to secondary school particularly well - her behaviour is much better at weekends and during the school holidays.

OP posts:
Chugalug · 23/01/2018 18:11

You absolutely can NOT continue with her sharing a room with her brother...she needs her own spaceASAP...you ad your husband and baby have a put me up in the lounge.she has your room...as a minimum.untill you move.any child would be behaving like you describe if forced to share with her brother...never mind the issues with her mum...this is not acceptable at all...you seriously expect her to deal with her first period with her brother in the room??????

Chugalug · 23/01/2018 18:14

Many a time at that age I woke up having soaked throu to my sheets with an unexpected period....how is she expected to cope with that with her brother there??

Battleax · 23/01/2018 18:15

You're minimising this.

She needs her own bedroom ALL the time.

Chugalug · 23/01/2018 18:21

Or ...you share a room with her op,as your not sharing with your dp.put you and your step daughter in one room and the baby and his step brother in the other,with dad in the lounge...even that suggestion I'm making is utterly rediculous...but much better than a brother and sister sharing....I expect she resents you and her dad for bringing another person in to an already extremely squashed environment

Thehogfather · 23/01/2018 18:32

You're missing the point op. You can't just look at her behaviour in isolation without accepting her home life is most of the cause.

And of course it will be harder starting secondary. It can't exactly help to make friends and settle in if you don't ever feel you can reciprocate invitations home, let alone if you don't want your new friends to find out you share with your brother.

MyDcAreMarvel · 23/01/2018 18:33

Op even if your dp keeps you awake snoring or whatever you HAVE to sleep in the lounge .
You are being really selfish.

flumpybear · 23/01/2018 18:41

That poor child. Her mum has left her, that's awful! She's going through puberty and I suspect needs her own space and her mum, or st least some loving, and I suspect now you have your own baby the dynamics have changed and she's unhappy and upset and I don't blame her (or you!)
Perhaps a conversation with her would be the best route forward - I wonder if really her grandparents home would suit her better now she's growing up and needs that space but an open door to come home whenever she wants to. Please for gods sake don't move away from the one stable thing she does have is her grandparents home

Blackteadrinker77 · 23/01/2018 18:42

It's not a law but the nspcc guidelines say they shouldn't after the age of 10.
I really feel for her.

Winteriscoming18 · 23/01/2018 18:51

The fact that there’s guidelines on sharing the bedrooms says it all. You sound abit selfish in your update. You have extended your family unit further when you didn’t have enough room in the first place for the existing children who permanently live with you. Should she really have to go to her nana’s to have some privacy? I think you can comparise by you sharing with her and all the males together.

CougheeBean · 23/01/2018 19:00

My half brother was born when I started secondary school - I felt I had to grow up very fast. She probably feels the same, and it’s hard when you are actually still young with very little control. I also found it hard seeing my dad and stepmum with my little brother, knowing my dad wasn’t around for me. The food, homework and detentions sound like she’s struggling to get some control. I’m not saying it would be a fix, but can she be involved in more decisions for herself? Choose a new grown up haircut, first pair of heels, dinner of her choice once a week? She didn’t choose for her Mum to leave, she didn’t choose her siblings or living situation - at least if she fails to perform at school or do her homework that’s her choice. Sounds like she needs a chance to practise good and bad ones.

taskmaster · 23/01/2018 19:06

You're not seriously thinking of moving her away from her school and her grandparents on top of everything else the poor child has had to put up with?

Your attitude is shocking. Disrespectful? That's the word you choose?

Friedgreen · 23/01/2018 19:23

So you and the new baby have one room and both dsc are shoved in the other - how is that fair especially since the baby probably gets up at nights and you don’t do much sleeping anywau? You, baby, and dp should sleep in the lounge while you find a bigger space for your WHOLE family.
Other posters are right - if you can’t provide for the kids you have, you shouldn’t have had another.

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