Disrespectful Stepdaughter

[Wineinthebath]

Hi I'm a very longtime lurker and finally found a username that's not too outing and isn't already being used!

I'll try to be concise. Been living with my partner and his kids (Son is 11, daughter is 12) for 2 years. We also have a 4 month old son and we are getting married later this year.

My DP's ex wife moved back to her native country (Scandinavia) when they split up, the children were 5 and 6 at the time. The children have seen their mum just 4 times since.

I have a good relationship with both of DP's kids and love them very much.

But since DSD started secondary school, she has completely changed. She has always put her absent mother on a pedestal, but this past year has started to blame my DP for her Mum leaving. She answers him back all the time, is vile towards her brother; swearing at him, calling him ugly etc. She won't eat anything that we cook for her, surviving on pot noodles or pasta that she makes herself.

As for school, it's feels like she just doesn't care. She's constantly in detention for supposedly forgetting to do her homework, or for talking, and it's always someone else's fault, not hers. She boasts about the detentions and doesn't seem to see them as a punishment. The school keep making her go to intervention tuition sessions due to her poor performance- most of which she hasn't gone to, there's always a lame excuse as to why she didn't go.

The only things she's interested in are hanging around town with her friends, spending money and sitting in her bedroom taking endless pouty selfies with those weird animal filters on.

It doesn't help that we live in a 2 bed flat, and she has to share a room with her brother (we can't afford to rent somewhere bigger at the moment, unless we move away and they'd have to change school) She refers to DP's parents' house as her home, and when told to tidy her side of the room she refuses, with "I don't care, I don't live here". She spends several nights a week at DP's parents' (where she eats everything without complaining) and to be honest it's a relief when she's there - the atmosphere at home is so much more relaxed when it's just me and the boys.

The weird thing is, she doesn't have a problem with me - it's just her Dad and brother that she's so disrespectful to - she never mouths off at me. I guess I am a lot more patient with her than her Dad is, although my patience is wearing a bit thin now.

I don't know what I'm asking really - maybe just a hand hold and some sage advice from anyone that's been through similar and got to the other side. She's only 12 - please tell me it gets better!

PS she is absolutely brilliant with her baby brother - first thing she does when she gets back from school is give him a cuddle.

Not really sure why on earth you thought having a baby was a good idea when you had two preteen children already sharing a room?

Get a bigger house. Or lose your living room so everyone has their own space.

If you need to move out of area I think you should seriously consider it and say that it's so all of you can be a family with space for everyone.

I know someone who had a 1 bedroom apartment and 3 DC (2 Girls and a boy).. it's just ridiculous. Overcramped...no sleepovers possible and I just think what awful memories her DC will have of their childhood.

I’d take a step back from the situation, as I think you may find this helpful (if my tired brain can explain it right sorry!).... I think you’re dealing with some of the big life events of the past coming back to haunt her, and therefore all in the family.

This is normal but really frequently confusing for the grown ups involved... as basically, the way child development works is different from the way we naturally think children grow up, especially when it comes to dealing with trauma. Adults process upsetting events really differently from kids and I think... hope (!)... it might be helpful for you to understand the difference and start to look at her experiences and mental health / growth from a different perspective. I should say this is me as a ‘lay-person’ writing how I understand it. I’ve had to do a lot of research into this stuff because my DS has had a lot of awful stuff to go through in his little life so far and ive learnt this stuff in doing my best to support him. I’m dreading when he hits teenage years!

Your dsd sounds like she has had a lot to deal with in her young life:

• Parents split up (which is a massive event for children even if it happens frequently in our lives now)
• mother abandons them (and the grief, self blame, cycle of hope & rejection etc)
• then new school, new baby, new family dynamics, pressures on space and privacy etc...

Basically, we adults process trauma differently because we’re already grown up, but children have to re-process trauma every time they grow into their next phase of development. I really think it’s whats happening here, poor thing!

We tend to think of ‘big traumas’ happening at a fixed point in time, and then the child reacts to this horrible event and then ‘gets over it’ at the time/ close to the time. Then as the children grow up and away from that point in time, it’s natural to assume that the further away they are from that event and from their initial reaction, the more healed and ‘over it’ they are.

But that’s how adults deal with stuff. Children’s brains can’t do that, as they’re not fully formed yet. So each time they grow and their understanding and maturity goes up a notch, the trauma has to be reprocessed and laid to rest all over again, and again, and again.

And she can’t control this process or decide she doesn’t want to feel bad about things or shake it off because it’s in the past etc. It will creep up on her and make it’s presence known until she can process it again. Which must be pretty wretched for her mustn’t it poor love?

Anyway, I think it’s likely that on top of all the normal young teenager angst and hormones and difficulties, she’s feeling the pain of her mother leaving and all that rejection and grief and mourning. Add in the new baby and probably feeling pushed out and seeing a tight family unit being formed without her...

Well, suddenly her behaviour doesn’t seem horrible and inexcusable does it? It seems more like hitting out and falling apart because she’s got these massive feelings going off inside her like fireworks that she can’t stop. She needs your love and your help. And her dads. Even if she’s being vile, don’t repay vile with vile, see the vileness as her saying ‘I’m hurting and I can’t cope and I don’t know what to do to feel better’... and what would you do to a child who’s scared and hurt? I’d give that child love and time and attention and patience. Don’t expect much back in return, but do know that each gesture of love and safety will be building something positive for your dsd.