SD lashing out

[Mitzi64]

Hi. Wondering what I and my husband can do with a SD constantly lashing out if she doesn’t agree with something. She is 13 and started to get physical yesterday. Has fallen out with grandparents and everyone round her. Has clearly stated that she has a problem with me and won’t be happy until I’m gone. Has started antagonizing us trying to make us react but we are the most easygoing couple. I’m sick of being told what I should and shouldn’t do in my own house. Saying nasty comments to both her dad and I. Her mother has just met someone and has 2 other kids with different men. I’m confused and bit shaky with all this and I’m finding it hard coping. It’s been a struggle with her and we only have her every 2 weekends. It’s been happening since I met her dad 4 years ago. Please advise on how to improve things and please tell me things will improve.

How long have you know her? How long has the behaviour been going on? Which is unacceptable in my opinion. How does her dad deal with this? He needs to parent her. She’s 13 and if he’s not careful this behaviour will get out of hand.

Since I met her dad but recently it’s got physical. She has outbursts for any reason. You could spend the day doing things snd then she would erupt. She loves antagonizing to get reactions so she can justify her behavior. You have her mother standing up for her behavior which doesn’t help.
Her dad has only started to discipline her so that’s helping her. Now she is saying I boss him around because he is actually doing something. We don’t ask her to do much just tidy her room before she goes home. She expects us to be doing what she wants to do every weekend. We don’t have any other kids so she is kinda only child other than her other 2 siblings at home.
It’s really hard and I’m very tensed up from the whole lot. My poor husband is suffering and he is a gentle man and great father.

I’m not of the camp that kids from broken homes should be given special allowances. She sounds like she lacks discipline. You can’t control what goes on in the mothers house, you can only control what goes on in your time.

Does she have any time alone with dad? Has he asked her what’s going on?

The physical lashing on is wrong. Her dad needs to step up.

Yeah she doesn’t really make sense when she chats to him. First he is in the wrong but ultimately I’m the problem when she goes home and tells her ma. If she doesn’t want to do something then she makes drama.
I was saying to my husband maybe he needs time with her alone but she doesn’t want to go on walks etc, it’s what she wants. He doesn’t like shopping which is all she wants.
He has started to discipline her and that’s something she has been used to. He turns off WiFi until she apologizes. There has been many instances in last 4 years where I had to leave house because she is unbearable.
We’ve had meetings with her and her mother but nothing improves. When I first met her ma she said to get in with her I would need to buy her things. I’m not a mother but I knew straight away that was wrong.
A while back I started getting on with my life as she was in the house and then she accused me of ignoring her so seriously I feel I can’t please her in any case.

It’s so sad really, happens all the time on these boards. Child is indulged and not parented well e.g. rules;

Parents split this gets worse.

Parent gets together with a new partner, who gets the brunt of lack of discipline by having any angry, unruly teenager. Parent tries to start discipline and child equates new relationship to more discipline and all he’ll breaks loose.

Northernspirit & big lettuce thanks for the comments.
Do you know how I should approach things from now on? Should I just say nothing and get on with things.
I’m afraid discipline is approached differently in both houses which is probably confusing the child.

It’s fine to have different rules in different households. It’s not fine for there to be so much conflict in your home, and standing back from the problem won’t make it go away.

I’d make it very, very clear that basic cordiality, respect for the home and people in it, are rules for every single person. Including the child. She has to know you are not going to put up with hostility. But choose your battles, try not to make issues daily, minimise conflict, tell DP to step up. Then just get some outside stress relieving activities for yourself, breathing space.

Her dad has only started to discipline her so that’s helping her. Now she is saying I boss him around because he is actually doing something.
Well it's no surprise she is going to rebel and consider you the culprit of her being unhappy.

You can't start disciplining a child at 13 when you've had a more laidback attitude before, try to convince them that it has nothing to do with the new partner, and expect them to go along with it happily even though it involved them doing things they don't want to do and didn't have to before.

The person causing all that trouble is your partner, not her. Imagine the same situation at work. You and your boss has always got along great, he was happy with your performance (or didn't say anything if he didn't) and overall you were happy to go to work. Then a new boss is hired to work alongside your boss. That person start telling your boss that your performance is not good at all and that he needs to manage you differently. All of a sudden, your boss tells you that you can't have the flexible hours you had agreed and you have to produce a detailed report weekly or all the tasks you performed that week. How would you react to this? Probably the same way your SD is currently. You'll rebel and you'll put the blame on the new boss, although you'll be angry with your line manager for not challenging them. You'll believe that things were fine before and that the new rules are not necessary and only put in place to antagonise you. You will end up very upset and start looking for a new job, even though you liked the job in the first place and will miss your boss.

Thanks for the comments. Yes I understand it’s a bit new to him, we only have her every second weekend. He has improved but it has escalated where she is physically lashing out.
Are there people out there that she could talk to? She was at counselor but they wouldn’t give her dad feedback because of confidentiality reasons.
Is it possible that she will never like and get on with me?
She doesn’t want rules or boundaries and if we enforce it will get worse. Well In any case she will have to apologize for throwing sweeping brush and punching me. It’s coming to the stage that I can’t talk to her because anything could set her off.

I think the best way forward is to balance what she will see as punishment (the disciplining) with rewards, things that she didn't get before. It doesn't have to be things that cost money but helping her starting a new interest or activity, taking her and just her on a weekend away, getting her a pet if realistic, anything thst you wouldn't otherwise do.

Thanks swingofthings. Yes that is a good suggestion and we will certainly try harder. We’ve tried most of these suggestions but it’s no harm trying again. I think while her dad and mother continue to discipline her differently then we will have trouble. I will certainly take a back seat and let her dad discipline her if he wishes.