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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Kissing on the lips

26 replies

laloup1 · 08/01/2018 12:29

Hello
My partner’s daughter tries to kiss me on the lips when she’s feeling particularly close to me. Mostly I manage to divert to a cheek as I understand her mum only allows her to kiss herself (her Mum!) on the lips. I try to respect that.
The little girl, being 3, has told her Mum she kisses me on the lips (I guess she doesn’t differentiate between trying and succeeding!) so now she is banned from kissing me at all. Poor child.
I don’t really know if this is something her Mum is particularly precious about or is it culturally less acceptable for children to kiss on lips these days?

OP posts:

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Poshindevon · 08/01/2018 12:36

I do not like kidding children on their lips even by parents but to ban you from kissing the child at all is ridiculous.
I dont think its cultural its just her mother being jealous and controlling

Original poster

laloup1 · 08/01/2018 12:39

Thanks for your reply. Me neither. I’ve had enough saliva-filled baby kisses from nieces and nephews to last a lifetime!
Three year old ones are easier to avoid but once or twice she has caught me by surprise. I don’t know whether to feel guilty or not.
And the ban - yes, it’s OTT. I hope we can resolve it somehow as one little girl went home this morning scared because her Mum was going to be furious with her for kissing me. (On the cheek)

OP posts:

AuditAngel · 08/01/2018 12:42

My MIL also has a thing about children kissing on the lips, and she has set DH off on one. I ignore this and let the DC choose. The older two (DS 13 and DD10) choose not to mss on the lips now, but 7yo DD2 likes to.

I can't see wh the mother has the no kissing on the lips rule, but she does, perhaps your partner could confirm that you were trying to stick with this?

NorthernSpirit · 08/01/2018 12:59

Personally I don’t like kissing on the lips (apart from my OH) and I wouldn’t feel comfortable the DSC kissing me on the lips. It’s whatever the children and you feel comfortable with.

Ignore the mothers ban. What you do on your time is your business. The mother sounds jealous and controlling.

thethoughtfox · 08/01/2018 14:37

Why not do Eskimo kisses (rubbing noses) they are much more fun for little ones!

Original poster

laloup1 · 08/01/2018 16:49

Thanks for the support everyone. It’s helpful to know there’s no clear view on kissing on mouth.
AuditAngel - there’s no point in reassuring Mum. Things are that bad!
Thethoughtfox - nice idea. This could be a good temporary solution. We did airkisses last night at bedtime which was fun. But nose rubbing could be sweet. Thanks!

OP posts:

SciFiG33k · 09/01/2018 03:12

My DSD(6) kisses me on the lips. She once told my mum that she was very sad because i had stopped kissing her. I felt so bad i had not stopped intentionally i was just always following her lead.

My Granddad in his old age started kissing us all on the lips i found that awkward and would always turn my cheek. But i think if you and her are both comfortable with it there shouldn't be a problem. Is sad when this sort of thing happens in step families because its usually the kids who get confused and miss out.

Giraffe888 · 09/01/2018 15:30

My 7yo DSS is very affectionate and always kisses me and his dad on the lips. I know that as he gets older he won’t want to!

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 09/01/2018 15:32

Your dsd needs to be told different rules for different houses. Her dm can't dictate how you love +care for her dd. Dm or not.

Original poster

laloup1 · 10/01/2018 11:55

Figrolls
Working on that. I asked her if she agreed with her Mum on this and she said very strongly no no no. But she was also very adamant that she couldn’t kiss me as she didn’t want her Mum to be angry with her.

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PositivelyPERF · 10/01/2018 12:02

I'm not a fan of kissing children on the lips, but I got a nasty cold sore as a result of an aunt kissing me on the lips. It has affected an nerve and as a result I suffer terrible pain involving half my face including the roof of my mouth, cheek and throbbing pain in my eye, when it flairs up. I just don't understand why vulnerable children can't be encouraged to kiss on the cheek. I'm not going to judge your right to kiss that way, but I personally don't do it.

RavingRoo · 10/01/2018 12:04

I don’t like it. DNs try to do it to me, so I duck out of it.

bustedwomb · 10/01/2018 12:06

Good grief what's wrong with kissing on the lips? My DD7 kisses me and her dad on the lips every day. I even get the odd kiss on the lips from my big DS14. I could perhaps understand why your stepdaughter's mum is a bit funny about as I'm sure she just feels jealous, but banning kissing altogether is just ridiculous.

Original poster

laloup1 · 10/01/2018 12:20

PositivelyPerf
Did you just read the thread heading?
If you reread my original post you will understand that I am not trying to kiss on the lips.

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 10/01/2018 12:20

@PositivelyPerf - same here. I have developed the cold sore infection due to an older relative kissing me on the lips as a child. I think this is an older generation thing.

Each to their own. I think parents to children fine, but I don’t feel comfortable outside that.

Original poster

laloup1 · 10/01/2018 12:21

Bustedwomb - i agree

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PositivelyPERF · 10/01/2018 12:25

Yes I did, OP, but I don't know why you're having a go at me, since I'm not the only poster who has given my opinion. You need to reassure the mother that you do not want her daughter kissing you on the lips. She probably felt that the only way to stop her very young daughter getting confused between 'permitted' kisses and, what she views as inappropriate kisses, was to ban kissing altogether.

Original poster

laloup1 · 10/01/2018 12:59

PositivelyPerf
Apologies - I didn’t mean to sound like I was having a go. I thought you misunderstood that I try to avoid on-the-mouth kisses.
I agree - very quickly this can get tangled up in another conversation about adults inappropriately touching.

Reassuring her Mum assumes that her Mum is interested in being reassured. Sadly here, that’s just not the case.
In every way we are a bit stumped as to how to handle things further.
My partner has set up a conversation with the child psychologist.

OP posts:

Missonihoni · 10/01/2018 13:03

Tbh I wouldn't allow anyone to kiss my child as I wouldn't want them to get the coldsore virus. I wish my mum implemented this rule to me as I get them terribly now.

Carbohol78 · 10/01/2018 14:21

My DCs and DSCs all kiss DH and me on the lips (I hadn’t even noticed until I just thought about it, to be honest!). I think because they see DH and I kiss quite a lot, we are very affectionate towards each other, they must equate it with the “normal” way to kiss a very close family member (I don’t think they do it to anyone else), now I read that back, it all sounds very weird though 😹

MaggieS41 · 10/01/2018 21:26

This is nuts 🥜 what’s next - can’t hold her hand unless it’s to cross the road?

DaisysStew · 10/01/2018 21:36

My DS(3) always kisses on the lips. The few times I’ve kissed him on the head or cheek he’s been mightily offended and declared “No, kisses are for lips”.

Would I find it hard if he was wanting to kiss another “mother figure” on the lips? Absolutely. But I would never say anything, that’s my ego talking and I can’t let that affect my son.

It’s sad that a 3 year old is being told not to be affectionate and even worse that she’s wary of upsetting her mum. Children shouldn’t be responsible for their parents emotions.

Could you come up with your own special thing - Eskimo kisses or snugglies (this is what my ds calls it when we cuddle and I rub my cheek on his cheek).

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 11/01/2018 00:12

I’m not a fan of lip kissing either. Someone gave my son a cold sore - and these are not pleasant! And dangerous for babies.

I just playfully taught my kids affection was kisses on the cheek or cuddles or high fives or tickles etc. And never forced these either.

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 11/01/2018 16:07

Why not make up your own greeting /show of affection? My ds used to rub noses with me and then chin to chin!! He used to giggle like hell. Never did it with anyone else!! He is 23 now and groaned when I just reminded him!!

ClaryFray · 11/01/2018 19:52

I won't kiss my step children on the lips, it seems inappropriate to me. I like to maintain boundaries.

And it's the sort of thing there mother would be okay with one week, and kick off with the next. She's a bit nuts.

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