Advise on adult step daughters being horrible please

[autismmumwithafamily]

Hello, merry after Christmas.
I would be really grateful for any advice or opinions on my situation today before I put my foot in it, or ignore something I shouldn't.
I have my step children here (from last night) for our annual second Christmas Day.

Let me give you the background first: they have been my step children for nearly 20 years, they are two girls 24 + 22 and a 26 yr old boy. I met their dad after the break up with their mum. My husband and their mum have a difficult relationship not helped recently by her splitting with her second husband. I have gone on to have 3 children, 2 autistic boys age 13 & 12 and a daughter age 7. My step children have always been quite good with my sons (especially my step son) but my step daughters are frankly mean to my daughter and have been since birth. Recently (past year) the daughters have become increasingly difficult. I do know this stems in part from the pressure of having to help their mother but they are rude every time they visit, they criticise my home, laugh about certificates or photos, say how awful the food is, be horrible about my family (they think my sister is a chav), hate gifts etc etc (sometimes putting it on social media) if I invite them to something I am putting pressure on them, if i don't I'm leaving them out.

Here goes with today: they arrived last night tipsy and basically only laughed with and spoke to each other with lots of whispering and messaging each other on their phones. I was pulling teeth trying to start conversations, which I made sure were only about them, their mum, their lives and nothing else. They basically gave me single sentence answers and ignored my daughter, who had waited up for them, so I went to bed. My husband incase you are wondering just hid in the kitchen avoiding everything and everybody, I tried to raise with him their behaviour but he just said if I had a problem I had to deal with it as he has enough issues with them. I said to him it's not fair on our daughter but he is too scared of making his older daughters angry.

This morning, thus far I have not seen the eldest Step daughter but the youngest has proper shouted at my daughter for waking her up, my husband uttered the sentence 'it's her home' and that has set the two girls off and they are now locked together in the spare room and say they aren't coming out if they can't chastise my spoilt daughter. My daughter is crying and my eldest autistic son is very upset with all the noise. My husband and step son are in the kitchen basically taking no responsibility.
I know how this will pan out everyone will pretend nothings happened and then another storm will brew and no one will deal with it.
Can I just point out that neither me nor their father have actually done anything wrong, really, I've thought about it nearly non stop.

Here's the other thing, I have depression. I am on medication and have been for a while and it is helping but for the first time I really can't cope with this. The only person who knows is my husband but he doesn't really understand and is quite ignorant about it. I want to leave the house and run away and leave my husband to actually face up to it (I have heard the girls from the spare room being foul about their father) but I can't because of my vulnerable children. I have a descending blackness which is horrible. I'm currently locked in the bathroom. :(
What do you think? Xx

Sent the brats home.

Send!

Tell your DH that they're his kids not yours, and he either deals with their behaviour or they need to leave.

I was in a similar situation as your youngest daughter, with the two older sisters banding against me and calling me names. The thought of her waiting up for them breaks my heart.

It still impacts me now decades later. Please defend her - and also talk to her about it.

Wow how awful! They sound like they should be in panto as the two ugly sisters (I mean ugly behaviour!) Personally? I would tell your husband that if he wants you to sort it out you will and send them home. They are adults and don't need to have contact the way they do. They can meet their dad's for meals etc, they don't need to be in your house being horrible.
I would actually say them to them that if they don't like your house, your family, their half sister, it's probably best they don't spend time there.
Your stepson sounds lovely btw, what does he make of their behaviour? He must be embarrassed!
Poor you OP, it's hard enough having kids with additional needs, without all this to deal with.

I think they’re adults and it’s time to treat them as such. Your kids come first because they are children.

Ignore them. Make polite small talk and just focus on your kids. Tell DH this is what’s happening. I assume they’ll be leaving soon?

Seriously, they should have their own houses by now! No more second Xmas. They’re not 12.

Also DH sounds like the main problem here. He’s expecting you to do “women’s work” taking care of his kids. Tell him no more.

Any why is the ex difficult or involved at all? They’re adults! He needn’t ever talk to her again.

You wouldn't let anyone else come into your home, take the piss, be vile, intimidate your children and bitch about you while assumedly eating your food, taking gifts off you and sleeping in your beds.

I agree - send the brats home. I'd say something like :

"You obviously don't want to be here so your dad and I would like you gone before lunch."

So there's a clear deadline.

He needs to BACK YOU UP ON THIS -and if needs be say state the behaviour has been unacceptable and no there's nothing they can now do to salvage the visit (if they ask)

When things are calm I suggest you lay out some ground rules with him. He's right, it is your kids home. They don't need this crap. Either do you.

Your DH is a total drip.

Thankyou so much for the replies. Quinoakeen, this worries me so much. She has such a hard time living with 2 severely autistic brothers, her life is another story all together. I see the light of hope on her eyes literally die. I saw it last night.
So many times I have tried with my husband but he is genuinely scared of making them angry. They don't talk to home for ages or make stuff up about him etc. So it's all about 'keeping the peace' as it's 'the way they are' but I can't cope with it anymore and it's so unfair on my daughter xx

Erm get the out of your home. They are adults they don't need to be there.
You sound like a walk over who's allowed your dd to be bullied her whole life

They are unbelievably immature OP.I'd definitely tell them to leave.it might shock them into behaving in an age appropriate manner in the future.

They're adults. I'd speak to them like adults in as calm and non-confrontational manner as you can possibly manage.

Look DSD1 and DSD2. We all love you and want you to be happy and you will always be welcome here. We are your family. But I'm getting the impression that you are not happy here. Choose if you want to be here or not. If you choose to stay then you must behave in the same friendly and polite way that we all do. If you choose to go then we will understand that. There will be no hard feelings and you will always be welcome to come back if you are positive and friendly.

They are not boys and girls. They are adults. Treat them as such.
Do not invite them back. Do they not have lives of their own??

I promise I do protect my daughter as best I can xx

Tell your husband they need to leave.

Can you go out somewhere with your daughter, try to do something that you will both enjoy? Even if it's only errands and a hot chocolate somewhere I think getting out f the house will help you both.

Send them home

AJPtaylor, I thought that as I was typing it! I know they are but they behave worse than they did in their teens. The girls live together in a flat, my step son who is lovely feels he is stuck like my husband. He lives with friends.

They are bullies .

I'm now totally no contact with my 'sisters', but it really did impact my self esteem. Please talk to your DD. Let her know that it's THEM and NOT HER. She is probably seeking their approval (although I may be projecting here).

Whatever you decide to do will not be pleasant and will cause ructions no doubt. But I think you need to take their power away from them. They are being so rude and so offensive and so nasty. It shouldn't continue.

If you cannot get them out of your home can you take your dd and go and do something really nice with her for the day (could your sons be left with your dh or do you need extra pairs of hands).

They may be shocked into behaving better (although may not). Once they have gone it’s time to have serious words with your dh.

@Haffdonga's response is good. It calls them on their behaviour and also gives them the option to stop being arses.

I suspect your dh is terrified of losing contact with his daughters of he rocks the boat. Far easier for you to be the wicked step mother.
When are they going home?

Why don't you take your daughter and ss and your two boys (if you think they would like it) off out for the day and do.something nice.

Leave you dh at home with the his horrible daughters.

Do this for the next few days until they go home.

Let your dh cook for.them or at their age let them
cook for themselves.My SS used to complain about the food I make. I told dh I wasn't cooking for him anymore and the shock on their faces when I served up dinner to my two children and not him was priceless. Dh came.dowm pretty heavy and funnily enough he now just eats what he's given.

Have a serious chat with dh about their behaviour and the fact you will not have them to stay again unless they modify their behaviour.

Totally disengage with them and they will.soon get bored of their pathetic games.

Dont go out with ypur dd. They must leave. They are grown adults, bullying a 9 year old child in her own home. And demanding the right to do so, or they wont come out of their room??

FUCK OFF

you need to find your anger here, you really do.

We chucked my BIL out of our house for being an arsehole to dd1

I absolutely promise you I would have told them to leave and if their father remonstrated he’d be told to go with them. I’ve done similar with ill behaved family members. Not the same high stakes as step children I know but I know myself and I literally wouldn’t be able to stop myself from confronting it.

Yeah haffdonga’s approach is good. You could add at the end that you and your dd are now going out for a few hours and they can decide what they want to do while you are out (removes the opportunity for confrontation).