Advise on adult step daughters being horrible please

[autismmumwithafamily]

Hello, merry after Christmas.
I would be really grateful for any advice or opinions on my situation today before I put my foot in it, or ignore something I shouldn't.
I have my step children here (from last night) for our annual second Christmas Day.

Let me give you the background first: they have been my step children for nearly 20 years, they are two girls 24 + 22 and a 26 yr old boy. I met their dad after the break up with their mum. My husband and their mum have a difficult relationship not helped recently by her splitting with her second husband. I have gone on to have 3 children, 2 autistic boys age 13 & 12 and a daughter age 7. My step children have always been quite good with my sons (especially my step son) but my step daughters are frankly mean to my daughter and have been since birth. Recently (past year) the daughters have become increasingly difficult. I do know this stems in part from the pressure of having to help their mother but they are rude every time they visit, they criticise my home, laugh about certificates or photos, say how awful the food is, be horrible about my family (they think my sister is a chav), hate gifts etc etc (sometimes putting it on social media) if I invite them to something I am putting pressure on them, if i don't I'm leaving them out.

Here goes with today: they arrived last night tipsy and basically only laughed with and spoke to each other with lots of whispering and messaging each other on their phones. I was pulling teeth trying to start conversations, which I made sure were only about them, their mum, their lives and nothing else. They basically gave me single sentence answers and ignored my daughter, who had waited up for them, so I went to bed. My husband incase you are wondering just hid in the kitchen avoiding everything and everybody, I tried to raise with him their behaviour but he just said if I had a problem I had to deal with it as he has enough issues with them. I said to him it's not fair on our daughter but he is too scared of making his older daughters angry.

This morning, thus far I have not seen the eldest Step daughter but the youngest has proper shouted at my daughter for waking her up, my husband uttered the sentence 'it's her home' and that has set the two girls off and they are now locked together in the spare room and say they aren't coming out if they can't chastise my spoilt daughter. My daughter is crying and my eldest autistic son is very upset with all the noise. My husband and step son are in the kitchen basically taking no responsibility.
I know how this will pan out everyone will pretend nothings happened and then another storm will brew and no one will deal with it.
Can I just point out that neither me nor their father have actually done anything wrong, really, I've thought about it nearly non stop.

Here's the other thing, I have depression. I am on medication and have been for a while and it is helping but for the first time I really can't cope with this. The only person who knows is my husband but he doesn't really understand and is quite ignorant about it. I want to leave the house and run away and leave my husband to actually face up to it (I have heard the girls from the spare room being foul about their father) but I can't because of my vulnerable children. I have a descending blackness which is horrible. I'm currently locked in the bathroom. :(
What do you think? Xx

I agree that Haffdonga's approach is probably the best, but would add that you could call a taxi for them to go home/to the station or wherever.
Please sort this out for your daughter's sake if not your own.

Thing is if you ask them to leave they will probably just refuse and how far are you prepared to take it.

Opt out and just never allow yourself to be put in this situation again.

Fucking hell, reading this has made me so angry that I can feel my blood pressure going up!

Throw them the fuck out of your house, woman! Do it now!

How dare they come into your home and behave like that? Why have you put up with it for so long? If you'd like some suggestions of things to say to them, I'm happy to oblige.

You know what. I say lose your shit.
Why not, it's your bloody home.
(In a relatively controlled way if you can)
You ask them if they honestly think this is the way grown women behave.
That they are being rude a spiteful in your home and they are not welcome until they get over themselves.

I would also ask what they want their Dad to do with them when they see him.
I would also make him be present while you do this.

So sorry, this sounds like a horrid situation for you

They are behaving this way because they are being allowed to.

They are your DHs daughters and as such he should be dealing with them. However, he can’t or won’t therefore someone else needs to protect you children - that is you.

Ask them to leave. They are adults and should behave as such towards younger children. You should not be hiding in the bathroom, your DD should not be upset and your son should not have to cope with this.

They need to know that this behaviour isn’t acceptable any more, you will not tolerate it and they can either apologise and behave like grown adult women or bugger off and act like childish bullies elsewhere.

If you think they’ll throw a strop and upset your children even more then get you and your children ready to go out and tell your DH and the stepDDs that you will be back in a couple of hours and they had better not be there.

Need more info. How did your dd wake them up? How does your dd behave around them? It’s very easy not to see when your own kids may be at fault. I do think a 24 year old sibling should be allowed to chastise a younger sibling if they do something wrong. I wouldn’t call that bullying.

Thankyou, it's like living in a weird nightmare today, I want to scream and shout and throw them out to back up my daughter but my husband and step son are now making a start on 'Christmas dinner' and want me to keep the peace like I always do. But don't think I can anymore. It's odd as as children we had a generally great relationship, all of us. They are jealous of my daughter (which is ridiculous anyway!!) I can't leave as I have to help with my autistic sons, unless I take them all on my own and that's not safe.

Start with this

"Look girls, I can only hope that when you finally grow up, you will look back on your behaviour and cringe. When you can behave like civilised adults rather than self-absorbed, petulant teenagers, I will consider having you again as guests in my home. In the meantime, you are no longer welcome here. Get your things and leave."

You can be the wicked stepmother. If your DH wants to see them, he can visit them. Enjoy the rest of xmas/NY with your children, stepson and husband. Don't put up with people treating you like shit any more.

Tell them to go.
You have a responsibility to all your children. It sounds like your DD has it hard with 2 autistic brothers. And to have to deal with 2 bitchy SS is awful especially at such a young age.
Tell them they can go and not come back and if they want a relationship with their DF they can have one away from your home.
The home is your DD safe place and you are not protecting her no matter what you think.

Good question about my daughter. She was playing with my autistic son in the lounge, he has a space blanket that makes (an admittedly loud) crinkling sound. It was 10am, they were asleep in the room next door. They are aware that this house is a very early morning house.
They will not see that they have done, or do, anything wrong. So telling them off about their behaviour will result in them saying something like....see you always take the side of that spilt child'

I wonder whether being forced to suppress your (absolutely valid) feelings of hurt and anger is what's causing your depression? Does your OH do this often?

10am? That is not even early anyway. It is a time where anybody might expect the sound of children playing, particularly at Christmas.

You and your children have done nothing wrong. Do not apologise for it.

Just get on with your day as best you can. They will venture out when they are hungry. Tell them that if they are not happy then they don't have to be there.

Anyone who called my daughter a spoilt child when she isn't, especially in front of her, would be out the door straight away and wouldn't be back without a sincere apology. I wouldn't keep the peace for anyone.

But you can speak out. Tell them to either start being friendly and appreciative or to leave. I don’t understand why you are just keeping the peace? You must say this for your daughter’s sake if nothing else. Say it in a calm way but in front of your DH and DSS too. Tell them they either behave decently like their brother or leave.

If you say nothing you’ve no right to complain and you’ll be doing your daughter a huge disservice.

These kids are in fact women and are acting like pathetic children who still haven't got over a divorce from over a decade ago.

They need to grow up. They would not be welcome in my house until they showed some respect. Your dh is more than welcome to meet up with them outside the house of course and you won't stop him. But if anyone upset my children in my own home... they wouldn't be coming back round again. They're pathetic individuals.

Ok OP that does sound OTT. To be fair I think the only thing here is to remind the girls that at their age they don’t have the ‘right’ to have a home at your place (or indeed even their mum’s) and that if this behaviour continues you will ban them from coming home (your dh can then meet them elsewhere).

Your husband their father is enabling and empowering them.

Tell him to take the daughters home now and you'll sort Food - he can eat when he comes back.

Or you will go to a restaurant with your three and wait there til the witches have gone,

I am really grateful for all the honesty on here. The update is the girls have left the room to go to the shop to buy medication as they now feel ill. They have already been gone an hour so I imagine they have stopped off. I will bide my time when they get back and wait for them to say something else publicly rather than behind doors and then I will act, I promise

It sounds like the issues are not new and resentment has brewed over years, so why pretend you are a happy family in such circumstances? What's the point of having a second pretend Xmas?

I don't understand why it wasn't agree that they would come, go out for a meal with their dad after spending a bit of time with your sons and DD, and that's that?

Anyway, clearly the way to go next year!

Good luck, OP - you can do it! You don't have to put up with anyone treating you (or your DD) like that, especially not in your own home.

You poor thing op. They are adults - ask them to leave. Seriously, such dreadful behavior should not be tolerated - they are not confused mixed up kids but spoilt madams.

I feel for you OP.

Doesn’t matter what has gone on (and it sounds like you have shown them kindness) but they are adults and should treat people with respect. They aren’t doing that.

Do they treat people that way outside the home? I’m surprised they have any friends or can function in the workplace.

Your OH needs to get some balls and pull them up on their behaviour.

You have been in your step children's life a hell of a long time and they're not step children, they're step ADULTS. They sound very childish and rude, I'm sorry that you're experiencing this.

Your OH should be doing more by calling them up on their attitude towards the youngest daughter and you. Not hiding in the kitchen.

They are not “ girls “ , they are adults.
They are far too old to have to have an annual pretend second Christmas. Why do they want to come anyway if their father just hides from them ?
Sorry but they have no right , at their age , to come into your home and behave so badly. Yourself and your husband have to step up and confront their behaviour. Your poor daughter !