Advise on adult step daughters being horrible please

[autismmumwithafamily]

Hello, merry after Christmas.
I would be really grateful for any advice or opinions on my situation today before I put my foot in it, or ignore something I shouldn't.
I have my step children here (from last night) for our annual second Christmas Day.

Let me give you the background first: they have been my step children for nearly 20 years, they are two girls 24 + 22 and a 26 yr old boy. I met their dad after the break up with their mum. My husband and their mum have a difficult relationship not helped recently by her splitting with her second husband. I have gone on to have 3 children, 2 autistic boys age 13 & 12 and a daughter age 7. My step children have always been quite good with my sons (especially my step son) but my step daughters are frankly mean to my daughter and have been since birth. Recently (past year) the daughters have become increasingly difficult. I do know this stems in part from the pressure of having to help their mother but they are rude every time they visit, they criticise my home, laugh about certificates or photos, say how awful the food is, be horrible about my family (they think my sister is a chav), hate gifts etc etc (sometimes putting it on social media) if I invite them to something I am putting pressure on them, if i don't I'm leaving them out.

Here goes with today: they arrived last night tipsy and basically only laughed with and spoke to each other with lots of whispering and messaging each other on their phones. I was pulling teeth trying to start conversations, which I made sure were only about them, their mum, their lives and nothing else. They basically gave me single sentence answers and ignored my daughter, who had waited up for them, so I went to bed. My husband incase you are wondering just hid in the kitchen avoiding everything and everybody, I tried to raise with him their behaviour but he just said if I had a problem I had to deal with it as he has enough issues with them. I said to him it's not fair on our daughter but he is too scared of making his older daughters angry.

This morning, thus far I have not seen the eldest Step daughter but the youngest has proper shouted at my daughter for waking her up, my husband uttered the sentence 'it's her home' and that has set the two girls off and they are now locked together in the spare room and say they aren't coming out if they can't chastise my spoilt daughter. My daughter is crying and my eldest autistic son is very upset with all the noise. My husband and step son are in the kitchen basically taking no responsibility.
I know how this will pan out everyone will pretend nothings happened and then another storm will brew and no one will deal with it.
Can I just point out that neither me nor their father have actually done anything wrong, really, I've thought about it nearly non stop.

Here's the other thing, I have depression. I am on medication and have been for a while and it is helping but for the first time I really can't cope with this. The only person who knows is my husband but he doesn't really understand and is quite ignorant about it. I want to leave the house and run away and leave my husband to actually face up to it (I have heard the girls from the spare room being foul about their father) but I can't because of my vulnerable children. I have a descending blackness which is horrible. I'm currently locked in the bathroom. :(
What do you think? Xx

Wow op, I agree with pp they are out of order and they need to stop their behaviour they are adults and should be behaving as such, Your poor dd.

The next incident I would be telling them to leave immediately.

Am I understanding correctly that you cannot leave your sons with your husband to care for them? That is an awful lot of pressure on you.

Hopefully they will stay out for the rest of the day.

Can you do something really nice with your dd? If your stepson is onside, would he do something special with just her? Even just go into town and buy her a hot chocolate, just the two of them, so she can have a relationship with a sibling who is nice to her.

That way you can show her it's not her it's them who are the problem.

When are they going? Don't ask them back. Not to stay anyway.

As to the depression, it will be easier when Christmas is over, when the pressure is off, when your family can get back to some sort of "normality".

Well they sound delightful 😩

Sort em out OP. Good luck

Your DH is the big problem here as he isn't being supportive. He sounds so useless I'm not surprised that you have depression.

For several years my DH saw his adult children away from our home because they either ignored me or were rude. Luckily, DH understood that I wouldn't tolerate bad behaviour from his DC. Thankfully they have matured a bit and are now prepared to be polite.

You really don't have to put up with such disrespectful adults being nasty to you and upsetting your family. It's time to stand up for yourself and DD even if it means not seeing the bratty sisters for a while. DH won't deal with this so it means that you have to.

How did the day go OP? Are they still staying with you?

Nasty cows. Hope they’ve buggered off

@Honeycombcrunch - do you mind me asking why your dh continued to see his adult kids under these circumstances? What I mean is - if my adult kids treated my dp (or anyone else in my house) with rudeness I'd tell them to clear off until such time as they could find their manners!

I was in similar, with a very defensive DP to boot so unfortunately sending them home wouldn’t have been an option.

However you do still seem to be reaching out to them. When they arrived, I know it sounds petty but it needn’t be - make sure to

• match their behaviour. If they do not ask about you, do not ask about them. If they ignore you, don’t give them any attention and just be busy with some housework. But don’t let them take over the space and squeeze you out.
• say hello, how are you? We are all fine. And goodbye.
• take care first and foremost of your own children. That means showing them you will stick up for yourself, for them, but maintain dignity and manners yourself. Give them attention.

Don’t indulge their dramas. I know there are three of them - but it’s your home. Protect its warmth and humanity.

Good luck.

I think you need to remind them that when they were 7 years old nobody had a strop at them for wanting to play at 10am, even though there were plenty of days you might have liked a bit of quiet. As a parent to all of them, you’re not taking a side, you’re just continuing to enforce family expectations that they benefitted from years ago.

If they can’t treat their siblings with respect, that’s a pity, but in that case they can spend Christmas somewhere that people can be as rude as they like to each other.

Your husband and his daughters sound absolutely horrible and I'd go fucking nuclear. Get rid of all three.

I have a half brother, ten years older than me by my fathers first marriage. His mother didn't want him and left him with my dad to raise who then met my mother when my half brother was four. My mum raised him and ensured his mother saw him weekly. His mother went on to have twin daughters when he was eight who has been very close with all his life until one committed suicide two years ago.

My mum then had me when he was ten and literally all my life he behaved as though I was not only unwanted but AWFUL, this was always highlighted by how close he was with his half twin sisters which made me certain his dislike of me must have been because I was awful.

It's only in recent years aged 36 and undergoing therapy that I have been able to see how damaging his influence was, he made me feel like I was just a really bad, stupid person, even as a small child I had that feeling and I couldn't rationalise at that age that it had nothing to do with me at all and everything to do with him. It didn't help that my parents were fairly loving but not very sensitive and not at all affirmative so I just took on the notion that there was something wrong with me and it has stayed with me and made my life pretty hard in some ways, I struggle to find a healthy relationship or sense of self esteem as deep down I can't skate the feeling that I'm bad.

I think it's hugely important to demonstrate actively and in front of your daughter that you will not tolerate anything other than kindness in your home. That it is her refuge, her childhood and that you won't allow any of this behaviour from grown women who know better. Affirm your daughters innate goodness to her, tell her it has nothing to do with her, that they are grown ups who are unhappy and that she is good, kind, loving etc and must ignore them.

Best of luck with it.

shake not skate!

@redlondonbuses - I just wanted to say how awful that sounds & how hard it must have been for you.
Most parents are just trying to do their best I know, but their blind spots with certain children really can cause so much damage.
💐

You're so kind @magda72 thank you. I'm working hard with a therapist to get as healthy as possible and overcome these issues. It's helpful for me to understand the situation from a different perspective and my half brother has lived abroad for over twenty years now and I can see him for being a very damaged individual and that he was a mixed up and very sad child, his parenting really wasn't ideal either which created so many problems.

Is there an update autismmum? The young women went out for medicine (for hangovers?) on their ‘second Christmas’ whilst their dad and brother were cooking for you all. They had already been grumpy and dismissive of you and your DD.

Did they come back for the meal?
How did the day pan out?

That's mad,they are in their 20s they are a few years away from 30... don't have anyone in your house who dies not treat you and yours with the utmost respect....kick yr do up the arse to deal with this..you have enough on your plate with your kids

Does

Haven't read the whole thread, but these are not children, they're young adults getting away with the horrible nastiness and bad behaviour.
I agree with others posters, it's a new year, make a new start. Sit down and yell your DH, that if he doesn't want to listen to you on this, then you'll refuse to allow his daughters in the house house. Explain that he is their parent and he must lay the law down on household rules.
If they don't live within household rules, and don't like being in your home then he should tell them that, perhaps they shouldn't come again. Don't give your own DC lifelong hangs ups, by not defending them on this!
Good luck!

How are things now op?