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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Advice for a newbie with an 'unusual' situation!

55 replies

ladybee28 · 27/12/2017 11:31

The short version: I moved in with DP about 4 months ago, and we have his 11 year old son 2 afternoons a week and 2 weekends a month.

His son is LOVELY – a real sweetheart, and the three of us have been figuring our way through our new setup gently.

SS (who was co-sleeping with Dad before I showed up) moved into his own room with no fuss, has been really welcoming to me, and on the whole, despite my panics about it all previously, I think I've been super-lucky.

Here's the thing: I live in Spain, I'm learning Spanish, and SS doesn't speak much English. He's picking up a LOT being around me, and I think understands more than even he realises, but doesn't speak much in English (gets embarrassed), so I"m not quite sure how much he understands. I practice my Spanish with him as much as I can, so we communicate in 90% my broken Spanish and 10% English when I really can't find the words.

This holiday season I've been home alone with him a fair bit in the evenings, as DP works nights. And guiding his behaviour in Spanish is hard for me. Last night I came into the living room to find him standing on the TV cabinet, about to jump onto the sofa, in socks. I told him not to, to get down from the furniture, explained briefly why, and as I turned to leave the room he jumped anyway.

I'm not a parent. I've never been around kids until now. In my own language I'd be able to deal with that kind of thing fine, I think, but I'm just not quite there yet in Spanish. And in the back of my mind I'm nervous that my lack of dexterity with the language will mean things come out too harsh or blunt, so I bit my tongue and didn't follow through.

I explained what had happened to DP when he came home, with a smile, in the context of "SS tested my boundaries for the first time tonight", and I heard him talking to SS this morning about it in the other room.

I really appreciate DP supporting me in this, and at the same time I can't help but feel a bit like the tattling babysitter, rather than the adult.

So I have a few questions for the experienced folks here: how would you manage situations like this as a new part of the household? Should I have followed through after he jumped? Is it not that big a deal? Have I damaged his respect? Does me not being present to explain things with his dad afterwards undermine my role?

And is there anyone else out there who's step-parented with a language barrier? I'm doing everything I can to learn as fast as I can, but I'm also a real stickler for the subtlety and power of language, and I don't want to screw up....

Thoughts, advice, general guidelines super-welcome :)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Greenshoots1 · 27/12/2017 11:34

the issue is whether his father allows him to jump, and whether you have the authority to tell him not to, he is 11, and that is his home

hesterton · 27/12/2017 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greenshoots1 · 27/12/2017 11:34

nothing to do with language. Although, you need to learn his language ASAP

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 27/12/2017 11:35

Well....you have a safety issue with the jumping so you were right to intervene.

It's normal for ANY adult to try to stop a child from behaving in a way which might result in injury.

I think a good way forward would be to ask your step son if he'll be your Spanish teacher...help you to learn faster.

Maybe find some games online to play together which are designed to improve Spanish?

Original poster

ladybee28 · 27/12/2017 12:05

Hey Greenshoots - it is absolutely his home, and it's also my home now, too...

And if his father allows him to jump but it's me who's responsible for his safety at that moment, where does the line then get drawn? I'm not into the idea of being the person who meets his dad at the hospital with a child with a broken ankle and a broken TV and says "It's not my fault, I was just following your rules..."

And CheapSausagesAndSpam - we do speak Spanish together a lot, but maybe making it more 'formal' would be a good idea – giving him an official role as my teacher sounds like a lovely approach.

Conversationally I'm usually fine - it's just in moments of emergency or stress sometimes my brain goes into Spanish slo-mo and that's when I need my words the quickest!

OP posts:

ididntmeanitlikethat · 27/12/2017 12:22

I think you handled it just fine OP. It sounds like you’re all doing a great job adjusting to a new family dynamic.

Whether you’re a parent or a step parent, it’s all a learning curve and I imagine the language barrier makes this more complicated.

As long as you all keep communicating (through whichever means possible) I’m sure you’ll be fine

Greenshoots1 · 27/12/2017 12:34

you moved in with your boyfriend a few weeks ago, that doesn't make it your home, it is his home, and his sons. In what way are you responsible for him? surely it is his fathers responsibility.

I just can't see how this works, you gain ownership of a child's home, and authority over him on the basis of sleeping with his father?

Someone sleeping with my son wouldn't give them ownership over my home, or authority over anyone. I just don't see how this is supposed to work. It makes no sense to me

Original poster

ladybee28 · 27/12/2017 12:47

I moved in four months ago, not weeks, Greenshoots1, and it's my home because it's where I live.

I'm responsible for his safety if he's left in my care while his father is at work.

It's not about ownership, it's about being the adult in a house with a child. If he was juggling steak knives would you sit and applaud?

And I'm not just 'sleeping' with my partner, we're in a committed 18 month relationship.

I get the feeling you may have skim-read my post... maybe take a bit more time before you jump in with such fervour?

OP posts:

Greenshoots1 · 27/12/2017 12:52

I'm not jumping in with fervour.

I am just telling you how it looks from my point of view.

You are a very recent addition to this boy's father's life, you have 16 weeks ago taken up residence in his home, why are you in charge of him whilst his father is working? Who was in charge of him before?

In what way is it your home, rather than a place you have been invited to stay?

I just don't see how you are in a position to tell him what to do

Greenshoots1 · 27/12/2017 12:53

I mean, from his point of view, you are a guest of his father's, into HIS home.

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 12:56

Presumably his father has left op in charge and as an adult she is in charge regardless of who she is sleeping with.

Of course it is her home, why wouldn't it be?

swingofthings · 27/12/2017 13:06

So you wanted to discipline him for something that his dad is allowing him to do. I think that's a slippery road to go after only 4 months living there. The language will only make it worse.

I understand your feelings of responsibility, and concern over him injuring himself in the absence of your OH, but it doesn't make much sense that he thinks it's ok to do when he's there but not when he isn't and at 11, it's giving the message that it is you who is being difficult.

You say he works nights, has he always? Who used to look after his son before you moved in with him?

Greenshoots1 · 27/12/2017 13:08

Presumably his father has left op in charge and as an adult

why? That is just setting her up for confrontation, isn't it. Who over say the boy when his father was at work before?

Of course it is her home, why wouldn't it be?

because, as far as she has told us, she hasn't paid for it or contributed anything to it, and has no historical link to it, and as far as the dss is going to see, is simply a guest in HIS home

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 13:11

Well you need to ask him that surely? Obviously if he's left op in charge he trusts her judgment.

You dont need a historical link for somewhere to be your home. You don't need to contribute to it either. You're saying that stay at home mum's don't have homes?

You have no idea what op does and does not contribute and frankly uts irrelevant anyway. She's moved In with her partner, she is not a guest.

Greenshoots1 · 27/12/2017 13:16

She's moved In with her partner, she is not a guest

well, in what way is she not a guest? He invited her in, he could just as easily retract that invitation at any time, couldn't he? I don't the expectation that the boy would recognise that she has any authority over him.

Where would that authority come from?

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 13:17

So everyone who moves in with a partner is a guest?

She's an adult she's been left in charge of him by his father. When he's left wity an adult that adult has authority whether they're dad's partner, grandparent, teacher or babysitter.

That is obvious surely?

Greenshoots1 · 27/12/2017 13:21

So everyone who moves in with a partner is a guest?

if you are invited to move in to someone else's home you don't pay for or contribute to, you are a guest, they can ask you to move out, with zero notice, just as easily.

no, I don't get it at all.

why would you say she is not a guest?

user1486915549 · 27/12/2017 13:27

Green shoots, what extremely odd posts !
Every relationship has to start somewhere.
Do you think wives who don’t work , and therefore don’t contribute financially, have no right to live in their home ?
OP you sound as if you are doing just fine. Asking your DP’s son to be your “ Spanish teacher “ is a great idea.

MomToWedThorFriday · 27/12/2017 13:27

Congratulations, greenshoots you’re officially being that poster who’s a dick to the OP based on her being a step parent.

OP I think you’re doing just fine. You’ve dealt with it brilliantly. The only other thing you can do is get up to speed on the Spanish, which you’re doing as quick as you can so just stick with it.

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 13:28

You don't know what shes contributing.

Are all unmarried stay at home mum's who live with partners guests?

Are children guests?

Your posts are ridiculous

Greenshoots1 · 27/12/2017 13:31

its not ridiculous, and no one has answered my question.

If you are invited to stay in your partners home, and have paid nothing and contributed nothing to that home, in what way are you something other than a guest?

Obviously SAHMs contribute hugely to their homes. That isn't even related.

The OP has just been invited, a few weeks ago, to stay in the home of man she has been with a short time, and she is staying there.

Purely as a guest, as far as we know, although of course she could have taken on half the mortgage or something, and not have said.

Greenshoots1 · 27/12/2017 13:32

Either way, to the child, she is only going to be a guest.

Greenshoots1 · 27/12/2017 13:32

in HIS home

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 13:33

Why would she say what she contributes? Its irrelevant to her thread.
To answer your question "how are you anything other than a guest"

Her partner has asked her to live there as his partner. Presumably they share a room and a life together. She's not a guest.

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 13:33

No, She's not.

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