Advice for a newbie with an 'unusual' situation!

[ladybee28]

The short version: I moved in with DP about 4 months ago, and we have his 11 year old son 2 afternoons a week and 2 weekends a month.

His son is LOVELY – a real sweetheart, and the three of us have been figuring our way through our new setup gently.

SS (who was co-sleeping with Dad before I showed up) moved into his own room with no fuss, has been really welcoming to me, and on the whole, despite my panics about it all previously, I think I've been super-lucky.

Here's the thing: I live in Spain, I'm learning Spanish, and SS doesn't speak much English. He's picking up a LOT being around me, and I think understands more than even he realises, but doesn't speak much in English (gets embarrassed), so I"m not quite sure how much he understands. I practice my Spanish with him as much as I can, so we communicate in 90% my broken Spanish and 10% English when I really can't find the words.

This holiday season I've been home alone with him a fair bit in the evenings, as DP works nights. And guiding his behaviour in Spanish is hard for me. Last night I came into the living room to find him standing on the TV cabinet, about to jump onto the sofa, in socks. I told him not to, to get down from the furniture, explained briefly why, and as I turned to leave the room he jumped anyway.

I'm not a parent. I've never been around kids until now. In my own language I'd be able to deal with that kind of thing fine, I think, but I'm just not quite there yet in Spanish. And in the back of my mind I'm nervous that my lack of dexterity with the language will mean things come out too harsh or blunt, so I bit my tongue and didn't follow through.

I explained what had happened to DP when he came home, with a smile, in the context of "SS tested my boundaries for the first time tonight", and I heard him talking to SS this morning about it in the other room.

I really appreciate DP supporting me in this, and at the same time I can't help but feel a bit like the tattling babysitter, rather than the adult.

So I have a few questions for the experienced folks here: how would you manage situations like this as a new part of the household? Should I have followed through after he jumped? Is it not that big a deal? Have I damaged his respect? Does me not being present to explain things with his dad afterwards undermine my role?

And is there anyone else out there who's step-parented with a language barrier? I'm doing everything I can to learn as fast as I can, but I'm also a real stickler for the subtlety and power of language, and I don't want to screw up....

Thoughts, advice, general guidelines super-welcome :)

It is just as much her home as it is her dps and his child's

ok, IN WHAT WAY is she not?

She has asked for advice on disciplining the 11 year old son of her boy friend.

My advice would be not to attempt to, it isn't her place, as he is 11 years old, and she is a guest in his home.

That's all.

Oh dear, Greenshoots, how bitter you sound. And wrong.

Greenshoots has obviously had a shitty Christmas

swingofthings - I hear you, and if it were that way I'd completely agree, but his dad absolutely wouldn't want him standing on furniture and jumping around on it indoors, especially in slippery socks and next to expensive electrical equipment. There was no question about that - and DP backed me up entirely on that front.

And Greenshoots1, of course I pay toward the household - not sure how many different ways I can make it clear to you that I LIVE HERE. Rent, bills, food, the car, stuff for SS - we live together.

I don't have another home anywhere, all three of us discussed me moving in before I moved in and expressed any concerns we had, addressed them together, check in on one another regularly... not sure why I'm finding myself justifying the fact that I have a home!

How many weeks is the turning point before I can say I live somewhere? 16? 32? 104? What bollocks.

DP left me providing childcare for his son last night. Who took care of his son before has nothing to do with anything – he can leave his child with whoever he trusts to do so, and at the moment that's me.

None of this, by the way, has much to do with what I asked in my original post... What a shame.

MomToWedThorFriday, user1486915549, and EnidtheCat, thanks for your thoughts. Really appreciate the support and encouragement - it can feel a bit lonely navigating this for the first time, so just a bit of a thumbs up and acknowledgement really helps.

I am not remotely bitter ,and have had a lovely, if tiring Christmas. Why does me disagreeing with you mean I am bitter, or haven't had a nice Christmas??

If that is the extent of how accurately you can read someone, then I wouldn't have any faith in your opinion about anyone's situation.

OP, you asked about disciplining your boy friends son.

My opinion is you shouldn't be doing it. You are a very new addition to his life, he is already secondary school age, and he will see you as a guest. That's all I have to say.

I’d discipline him. He is jumping on the furniture at 11!

It doesn’t have to be “harsh” discipline. Just a “that’s not a good idea” or “I don’t think your dad would like you jumping on the furniture” will do. It sounds as though you already have a good relationship so this is fine and I would expect any adult in this situation would do the same.

I’m not sure why Greenshoots is being so prickly. Any adult in the house at the time whether relative or not would be entitled to discipline a child in their care!

If it’s all you have to say and it’s pure bollocks you can pop off now and leave the actual advice to people who are capable of giving it.

Greenshoots you've clearly got some issues atm making you VERY unhappy and have decided to take it out on posters all over the boards this morning. May I suggest you go and deal with your own problems or start your own thread about them and allow others to post without you taking over argumentatively.

I would suggest that if his father leaves you in charge of his care he expects and trusts you to provide the care he would. Therefore he trusts your judgement. I wouldn't be allowing any child of any age in my home (or if I saw it in another's home) climb in a tv unit or jump into sofas - let alone both at the same time.

SingingSands - thanks for your words. I asked him to get down, explained that if he wanted to play 'parkour' (his latest love), then that needed to happen outside, and standing on wooden furniture in slippery socks was particularly dangerous.

What I'm feeling a bit icky about is the fact that he jumped anyway as I was leaving the room, and I didn't go back in to follow up because I panicked about getting the language wrong.

I fully expect him to test my boundaries, and I'm kind of glad, in a way, because it means he's comfortable enough to push a bit.

But I do feel like I might have undermined myself, and then DP had to come in and clean up the loose ends for me, which might affect how SS sees me in the future... does that make sense? Or am I overthinking all this?

OP I think you are doing a brilliant job. It's not about the right to 'discipline' as such - any sensible adult would do whatever it takes to prevent an accident happening to a child, which is all you did. Good luck with your new family situation, I think you will all be very happy from such a thoughtful and considerate beginning.

Greenshoots posts are just plain odd. Ignore them.

Maybe you are overthinking it a bit - he's probably forgotten all about it. Or if he hasn't he might be feeling a bit bad about jumping anyway (to test your boundaries like you said) but I bet he won't do it again. It was a bit of devil may care, typical of a healthy balanced 11 year old!

thanks starbrightnight :)

DP left me providing childcare for his son last night

Aa relatively young, entirely inexperienced teen, I was glad to earn money by babysitting for anyone who trusted, or was desperate, enough to hire me. Now, in my late fifties, in the light of all the things I can think of, which could go wrong, I would be terrified to provide childcare for someone else's children.

I really wouldn't be solely responsible for someone else's eleven year old. How would you deal with it, if something went wrong while you were in charge. Not what you were asking but, I think, worth thinking about.

OP if he was already up on the cabinet maybe he jumped to get down. The acid test for me would be whether he does it again rather than the fact he continued that particular act

The whole parkour thing is an injury waiting to happen I’m glad my ds has grown out of it. You did the right thing

swingofthings - I hear you, and if it were that way I'd completely agree, but his dad absolutely wouldn't want him standing on furniture and jumping around on it indoors, especially in slippery socks and next to expensive electrical equipment. There was no question about that - and DP backed me up entirely on that front.
My apology, I thought you'd said it was a behaviour his dad allowed/had allowed before. If he'd told him off, then you were right to do so too.

I think it is a positive thing that your partner backed you up with his son. That is important even for parents, more so for step parents.

I cannot comment on the step parent situation since I have no experience, but I just wanted to say that Spanish is a lot more about tone and facial expressions than English, (for instance, you can sound polite asking for something without saying please just by tone and smile) so you don't need to worry about exact wording so much if you are conveying your message via tone and body language.

OP I would have a chat with your OH about what he considers the appropriate discipline if his son disobeys a specific request eg going to his room, just a telling off, no computer that evening. And what the sliding scale is (you'll need somewhere to go, don't start with the top punishment). That way you will know in advance what an appropriate response is next time SS disobeys you and you can deal with it then and there without waiting for his father to come home.

It may be your partner prefers you to wait until he comes home. Or that he's happy for you to implement a holding discipline like no TV but wants to rule on the final punishment himself. Either way it will be good to know where you stand in advance so you don't feel put on the spot. You can also practice the Spanish for the agreed upon discipline in advance.

I used to work with kids 4-14. I wasn't their parent but was responsible for their safety and discipline 8am-6pm. It made life much easier knowing what the structure was esp as I was quite young myself at the time. It helped me have the authority I might not otherwise have felt. Plus clear boundaries and consequences are good for kids.

I really wouldn't be solely responsible for someone else's eleven year old. It's an interesting thing you raise – but honesty I wonder how I can live with them and not stay home with SS for a few hours every now and again? Surely it's inevitably going to be part of the deal, given the running of day to day life? Or no?

Ilovetolurk you're right, he may have done. I have a feeling he was in high spirits more than anything, but either way, it's reassuring to hear you're in agreement on the parkour indoors thing!

swingofthings I went back and re-read one of my posts and I definitely see where you got that from. No need to apologise, I wasn't clear!

Love51 it's super positive. I feel much more secure knowing he has my back as we learn how to navigate all of this together.

MeWhoo - you're right! I think a lot of it is just being under pressure to respond quickly to something, my mind goes into a spin. Practice and relax...

ClareB83 - I think that's great advice, and it's something we haven't discussed yet. OH doesn't really do punishments beyond a long and winding conversation about why a certain behaviour is OK or not OK for SS, so I think this will take some working out between us. But it would definitely help me feel more secure!

Thanks so much to all of you who swooped in and rescued this thread - I was feeling a bit off-balance at one point today and it really helps to have my question addressed so supportively.

wow Ladybee - what a bizarre direction this thread took!!
Glad it's back on track.
My tuppence worth. From what I see of single dads and their kids (boys or girls) they can be quite relaxed on elf and safety with regards to the rough and tumble life of children. Certainly I am usually the one getting nervous first when my partner's daughter is doing something like climbing.
So, if this is the case, then your partner's son is not going to be used to having his boundaries set in that way.
But when you are alone with him I think it is perfectly reasonable that you don't allow him to do something you think is dangerous. And his dad should support you in that.
I balance out my squareness in this regard by being engaged in other ways - with a three year old this translates into hours of playmobile playing. With an 11 year old boy, I confess I have no idea what that could be!!

I think you should have turned round to him when he jumped off ... and just said "No. That's dangerous"

He would realise you were not happy even without understanding the language.

@Greenshoots

You certainly have a problem. Even more of a problem is you don't recognise it .... despite everyone here telling you so.

OP from a linguists point of view is imagine he understands a lot of what you're saying and combined with body language/ tone of voice he'll know what you're saying.

You could both try the app duolingo which is good fun.

OP - I wouldn't worry too much about the language barrier. A child standing on the sofa getting ready to jump knows you are telling them not to jump even if you're speaking Swahili. Plus at eleven he will no doubt have studied English at school and will understand more than he can say. Don't get hung up on him not obeying you immediately. To be fair if you're all ready to jump it is really tempting.... If he continued doing it over and over after you said no, that would be different but from your post I don't think so.

I think you did the right thing - he jumped possibly just because at that time it was the easiest way to get down off the furniture. HAD he done it again then he would have `been testing your boundaries' he didn't though did he?