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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Bio mum from hell

113 replies

Welshchloe · 27/12/2017 09:18

Hi all

I need some advice me and my fiancé have been living togeather for a year and been togeather for 2 years. He has his 2 daughters with his ex and has them 2 days a week (one week it’s Tuesday night till Thursday and the weekend the other), they are 8 and 5. On Christmas we have them on Christmas Day night and Boxing Day.

My relationship with the girls are amazing (don’t have kids of my own). But the bio mum is one of the nastiest person on the earth and don’t like me because of the way the girls are with me. The agreement they have is a personal one in writing and not through the court she thinks she can change it when ever she likes. She know how much this hurts my partner and does it for fun in my opinion.

When he goes to pick up the girls from hers I stay at home so I don’t see her so it don’t cause any problems.

Me and my partner are looking to get married next year and we wanted to have the girls as bridesmaids but for the last 2 weeks she has been saying that she is not letting them go to the wedding. We are at the point of if the girls can not go the wedding it’s just going to be a quick job at a regestry off with Just our parents and siblings with a meal after.

I know she don’t like the fact that we were togeather years ago before they got togeather but her issues are not my fault.

Has anyone got any advice how I can handle her

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 27/12/2017 16:20

This was to enable her to differentiate between mother and step mother

That's ridiculous. You managed it without any extra letters in your sentence. It's easy: mother and step-mother. Job done.

OP, you need to let your fiancé deal with this. You don't "handle her" at all.

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 16:22

On this thread it's blindingly obvious it hasn't been used in that way. Op has made no reference to absence or adoption. She's explained but you continue to ignore it.

Whether you like it or not, if your children are made from your dna you're their biological mother. Whether your with their father, not with their father or don't even know who he is. You are biologically their parent. That's just science.

SoupDragon · 27/12/2017 16:23

Everyone crying about how offended they are haven't actually given op any advice on what to do about the actual problem they have posted have they?

PMSL. The only advice you offered was after you'd made numerous posts including this one.

GingerbreadMa · 27/12/2017 16:23

E.g. I knew a step mum who threw a tantrum because the mum said no to the kids going to the destination wedding where they would spend most if their time in her relatives care, who didnt speak the same language as the kids. When the dad & step mum agreed to fly out the girls regular babysitter to stay with them on the wedding night and during the day when the B&G were preoccupied, the mum was quite happy for them to go

"no" doesnt always = nasty and jealous.

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 16:25

*Its pretty good advice actually, unless you think it'll HELP the OPs situation to keep referinv to the girls mum in a way that many think is derogatory?

And I have offered other advice up thread: such as working out the logistics BEFORE demanding contact over the wedding period: might get a totally different response*

Do you really think she refers to their mum as bio mum in real life and not just her name? Really? You honestly think so?

I would bet she has never uttered the words out loud and has used them solely on here. Which unless mum is a mnetter she won't have a clue. So that's that problem solved.

How do you know the logistics are not already sorted? You have just presumed they're not. Why is that?

And "demanding" contact? Why should they gave to demand at all, it should be a simple question and a simple yes.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 27/12/2017 16:27

Ah yes, Enid you are deliberately obtuse. It doesn’t matter what anyone says, you are right. You should give serious thought to how that works in the real world.

OP - hope you get it sorted. Do consider how your words and actions may be perceived as they can, unwittingly, have a massive impact on relationships moving forwards. Court is probably the best way to go.

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 16:27

I know soup I was pre occupied with all the nasty posters who jumped on op over two words.

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 16:29

When have I said I'm right?

Im Not being obtuse. I dont find beinh called a bio mum offensive. If you do that's your issue not poor ops.

My "real world" is perfectly fine, thank you.

GingerbreadMa · 27/12/2017 16:33

*How do you know the logistics are not already sorted? You have just presumed they're not. Why is that?

And "demanding" contact? Why should they gave to demand at all, it should be a simple question and a simple yes.*

I ASKED if they had made arrangement or just been "WE WANT THEM THERE"
Its not a simple question or answe at all, have you ever been involved with planning a wedding where the parent(s) are busy being the B&G, quite a lot of planning goes into it its not just a matter of the kids showing up in cute outfits!

E.g. the MOG may offer, but from a friends bitter exoerience I can tell you she wont necessarily do a prompt toilet run if it means she'll miss the vows!!

GingerbreadMa · 27/12/2017 16:35

If you do that's your issue not poor ops.

It IS the OPs issue though..

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 16:35

Erm yes I have actually! I know what goes into it and maybe op does too!

You can't just assume op has just screamed give me your children on x date to the ex wife. It's unlikely that No thought would have been given to the logistics of having the kids there.

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 16:36

If the op calls ex it to her face or in front of kids it might be her issue. I would bet she doesn't.

GingerbreadMa · 27/12/2017 16:39

You can't just assume op has just screamed give me your children on x date to the ex wife. It's unlikely that No thought would have been given to the logistics of having the kids there.

And you cant assume that they HAVE given the mum any reassurance that logistics have been worked out from the girls point of view, if they have then reiterating this to the mum could solve all of this

Honestly it doesnt sound like you want the OP to have this resolved amicably at all since youre advice seems to be "carry on as you are" which clearly isnt working!

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 16:40

I've said go to court and get an order.

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 16:41

Why wouldn't I want the op to resolve this amicably? I'm giving advice based on experience and in my experience a court order is the way to go.

GingerbreadMa · 27/12/2017 16:41

A court order should be a last resort, its sometimes necessary but best avoided because it doesnt allow any wiggle room if the kids get sick etc..

GingerbreadMa · 27/12/2017 16:43

And even WITH a court order in place its still preferable to stay amicable for the kids sake...but you dont see why the OPs language (not just biomum) might have any adverse affect on this...

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 16:44

A court order should be a last resort but its the only way many people guarentee they will get to see their children on a regular basis without being messed about. They could try mediation but it sounds like they're unlikely to agree and the next step is court.

Court orders do allow wiggle room, the court do not send someone to check every weekend that your children are where they should be (and this is why court orders are so easily broken)

Even with a court order if you're both reasonable people you can still agree to swap weekends for a sick child.

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 16:45

I think they're very much past the amicable stage don't you?

I dont think this thread woild exist if they were amicable because the ex would have no problem with the kids going to the wedding.

swingofthings · 27/12/2017 16:48

swing unusual doesn't equal affair.
Indeed, which is what I said.

Even if it was an affair it's not a good enough reason to withhold contact or stop the kids attending the wedding.
But just you can make any assumption that the relationship is the result of an affair from the OP, it isn't right to make assumption as to the reason the mother is refusing. Maybe they intend to get married on a school day, or a week-end they are supposed to be with her and she's made plans already on that week-end. Maybe it has nothing to do with the fact that she doesn't like OP.

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 16:49

swing it could be any number of those things, you're right. We dont know - maybe the ex has not elaborated on her no.

GingerbreadMa · 27/12/2017 16:50

Now who's making assumptions Hmm

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 16:51

That's not an assumption! The thread is called "bio mum from hell"

You really think they can be amicable?

GingerbreadMa · 27/12/2017 16:54

Not while that kind of language is used no, that doesnt mean it's un salvagable though

MsGameandWatching · 27/12/2017 16:54

The families I know who went for a court order though massively reluctant to do so, now say it was the best thing they ever did. Their stress levels are minimal now and the exes are no longer able to dictate or control and by exes I include the one who took it to court in the first place self importantly thinking it would be a place he could have an audience to whom he could list the short comings of his ex. He was shut down completely and everyone now knows where they stand and no one gets to create problems without going through the rigmarole of going back to court.