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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Bio mum from hell

113 replies

Welshchloe · 27/12/2017 09:18

Hi all

I need some advice me and my fiancé have been living togeather for a year and been togeather for 2 years. He has his 2 daughters with his ex and has them 2 days a week (one week it’s Tuesday night till Thursday and the weekend the other), they are 8 and 5. On Christmas we have them on Christmas Day night and Boxing Day.

My relationship with the girls are amazing (don’t have kids of my own). But the bio mum is one of the nastiest person on the earth and don’t like me because of the way the girls are with me. The agreement they have is a personal one in writing and not through the court she thinks she can change it when ever she likes. She know how much this hurts my partner and does it for fun in my opinion.

When he goes to pick up the girls from hers I stay at home so I don’t see her so it don’t cause any problems.

Me and my partner are looking to get married next year and we wanted to have the girls as bridesmaids but for the last 2 weeks she has been saying that she is not letting them go to the wedding. We are at the point of if the girls can not go the wedding it’s just going to be a quick job at a regestry off with Just our parents and siblings with a meal after.

I know she don’t like the fact that we were togeather years ago before they got togeather but her issues are not my fault.

Has anyone got any advice how I can handle her

OP posts:

LizzieSiddal · 27/12/2017 09:25

I dint think you need to “handle her”. Leave your partner to do that. Have nothing to do with her.

My own Mum left when I was 3, my dad remarried and he abd step Mum bright me up. My birth Mum was a rather horrible person. My step mum just smiled and nodded and was friendly to her at all times. (Despite my my mum doing a lot of awful stuff)

LizzieSiddal · 27/12/2017 09:25

Excuse typos! Hope you get the drift!

NorthernSpirit · 27/12/2017 09:35

Get a formal court ordered contact order. It won’t get any better, it will only get worse. The mother is still obviously bitter and refusing the children to attend the wedding is wrong and controlling in her part.

My OH had 2 years of hell from his EW. Controlled when he could see the children. Changed her mind at the last minute. He’d been divorced for over 2 years and it got worse.

He now has a court ordered contact order and no longer can she control or dictate. He gets the odd vitriolic email which is ignored. But she can’t use the children as weapons.

Your OH can easily represent himself at court.

BinkyandBunty · 27/12/2017 09:43

Can you organise a low key wedding on 'your' weekend, without her prior knowledge?

Original poster

Welshchloe · 27/12/2017 09:57

When she finds out after she is going to kick off and hurt him again

OP posts:

Zampa · 27/12/2017 10:01

You may be able to get a specific issues order for the wedding. I suspect that the court will agree that the children should attend the wedding.

Agree with PPs that regular contact needs to be agreed via court also. This was the only way we got regular contact with my DSC.

kittensinmydinner1 · 27/12/2017 10:11

After my DH ex wife screwing up our first wedding date by deciding she was going on holiday the day after our proposed wedding (term time where she was resident parent) thus screwing up our wedding night and honeymoon... (as his dc would have to stay with us and be taken to school on a 2 hr round trip morning and evening) .. so... we simply didn't tell her or the children when it would be.

Had their bridesmaids outfits from previous aborted attempt. Rebooked for the Sunday on a weekend when they would normally be with us, Got my brother to drop them home . (World war 3 !) and went on a lovely honeymoon.

Be prepared though, she immediately withheld contact and we had to go to enforcement action.
Number one recommendation to anyone who's ex resident parent 'holds dc hostage' to their whims. Get a court order ! You are an EQUAL parent. You owe it to your DC not to 'opt out' because it's too difficult.

kittensinmydinner1 · 27/12/2017 10:18

Btw it is NORMAL not to have a solicitor as legal aid stopped years ago for all but DV cases.
It costs £215 to make the application and you will have to attend mediation which is about £200 divided between the two parents however if she won't agree to mediate then it can be 'signed off as not appropriate '
All fees can be reduced or completely exempt. Based on your income and the number of people in your family. Ask for the fee exemption form at the county or family court where you get the application for the Child Arrangements Order from.

TheFSMisreal · 27/12/2017 10:25

Arrange the wedding on his weekend and don't inform their mother if you think she is genuinely vengeful. Your partner needs to have a word with her if she does keep screwing around with his time and say he likes the arrangement they have and doesn't want to rock the boat but he will go to get it formalised if he has to. You also need to make sure around the kids you are always positive about their mother as it is in their best interest. No matter how hard that might seem. And keep in mind being married won't make anything easier

FabulouslyGlamorousFerret · 27/12/2017 10:47

Sorry to be hearty but she's their mum, not their 'bio mum'. If you or your boyfriend come out with expressions like that, have you considered that may be part of the problem?

FabulouslyGlamorousFerret · 27/12/2017 10:48

That was meant to be 'twatty' not hearty 🤣

Dontbuymesocks · 27/12/2017 10:51

Agree with Fabulously - why are you referring there as their ‘bio mum’? She is their Mum. You are their step-mum. Using such a term is common in adoption where a biological parent is no longer involved with a child and this isn’t the case here. It’s rude and insulting. I sympathise with the situation but using language like this is really unhelpful.

Original poster

Welshchloe · 27/12/2017 11:44

I only used bio mum on here cos I thought it might be easier to read. I didn’t mean any offence by it

OP posts:

ohreallyohreallyoh · 27/12/2017 11:47

You are an EQUAL parent

Is this what you meant? That step parents have all the same rights and legal,obligations as parents? Because it’s not the case and it’s a very dangerous road to be going down.

I agree with the bio mum stuff. It is deeply unpleasant and if you see it in those terms, you are very much part of the problem. You are not involved in some kind of tug of love with the children’s mother for their affections. It is perfectly possible for them to love you both, albeit in differing ways and for differing reasons. You don’t ‘win’ because they like you and nor does she lose if they like you (even though it can feel like that).

Why do you feel you have to ‘handle’ her? You don’t need to be around when picking them up, it’s really not necessary. It is unlikely changing contact is about ‘fun’ for her. Deep seated insecurity, probably. Pain at waving off her children, probably. Anger, frustration, sadness, she was unable to make the relationship work, probably. Your DP needs to make a stand - either stick with arrangements religiously and refuse to see the children at other times because she is likely to value the free time so if he messes with it, she may come back into line. Risky. Go to court which also comes with risks, but is enforceable long term.

You can be a voice of reason and present workable solutions to your partner or you can be offended and angry and ramp up the problem levels.

UnderCaffeinated · 27/12/2017 12:12

Ignore the 'bio-mum is offensive' brigade on here, loads of other forums use the terms step mum and bio mum, and everyone manages to keep their knickers untwisted there.

I'd definitely echo other posters here and either try to arrange the wedding on one of your weekends and not tell her (although i'd be really concerned if she got wind of it somehow that she could start withholding all weekends) or try for a specific issue order for the wedding. I think lots of people lose sight of the fact it's about the children, and that regardless of how their mum feels about them attending the wedding, or the children's contact with their father, it isn't actually relevant. It isn't about her, but about these two girls and what they'd like and I don't think either parent should deny them the opportunity to be part of the wedding.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 27/12/2017 12:21

loads of other forums use the terms step mum and bio mum, and everyone manages to keep their knickers untwisted there

Hmmmm....that’s OK then. I can think of a couple of forums where this is the case. Except on both, the advice is all about removing any trace of a partner’s past, ramping up problems, reports to Social Services over ridiculous things, constant court appearances etc. etc. Bio mum is a disturbing term used in the context of step parenting and should be recognised as such. Plenty of step parents I know find it equally offensive.

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 12:24

Bio mum is a disturbing term used in the context of step parenting and should be recognised as such

No its not stop being so bloody ridiculous

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 12:26

Why do you feel you have to ‘handle’ her? You don’t need to be around when picking them up, it’s really not necessary

Op clearly stated she is not present at pick up?

Maybe she feels like she has to handle the situation because it is impacting on her life?

DullAndOld · 27/12/2017 12:29

yes 'bio mum' is very offensive in this context.
not part of any 'brigade' just a normal person with pretty normal linguistic awareness.
So what is the problem?> Why do you need to 'handle' anyone?
If she doesnt want her daughters to be performing monkeys at ur wedding, I dont blame her.
What would worry me here is your insistence on how well you get on with her daughters, and how jealous this makes her.
What next? They should come and live with you?

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 12:42

dull are you being serious?

Its their dad's wedding. You calling them performing monkeys is MUCH more offensive than op using bio mum (which actually is accurate considering she is biologically their mum) so before you rant on about linguistic awareness make sure your own language is not offensive or rude first.

Its nice she gets on with her step kids it baffles me that you've picked that out as a negative.

MsGameandWatching · 27/12/2017 12:47

Ignore the 'bio-mum is offensive' brigade on here, loads of other forums use the terms step mum and bio mum, and everyone manages to keep their knickers untwisted there.

Please DON’T ignore them. Posters have been perfectly pleasant in pointing out to you that it’s a controversial term, why ignore perfectly pleasant points being made? Unless you feel entitled to just say whatever the hell you like and not care if it bothers people or creates divisions?

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 12:49

It's only really relevant if it bothers her husband or her step children and since she's already explained she's only used it on here because it might be easier and she didn't mean to cause offence id say it was a non issue.

Why do you post on here if you've no advice other than "don't use this word on this internet forum"

DullAndOld · 27/12/2017 12:49

IME that is why people want children at weddings, to look cute and improve the wedding shots. Like props. Sorry.
Yes its nice that they get on well, but OP seems to be using it against their MOTHER.

Enidthecat · 27/12/2017 12:51

dull maybe you have issues re weddings because that is not the experience I have ever had at any wedding. Generally people want their children there to celebrate and yes maybe they want them in the pictures because they are THEIR CHILDREN ffs.

Please explain how op is using their good relationship against their mother?

DullAndOld · 27/12/2017 12:54

Just re read it.

OK yes maybe it's my issue.

However I am speaking from experience.

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