What can I do?

[Sawyer38]

Hi I am a dad who always comes here to look for tips and advice and I really need your help.
I have a beautiful child of my own and have been with someone with 2 kids for the last 2 years, we get on amazing and so do all the kids.
The issue is me, one of her children really grates on me, I am really irrationally irritated by him. He is not naughty (unless he is having one of his moments like all kids do) he likes me a lot, but I can’t seem to get past this, I have tried spending time alone with him but it hasn’t worked.
Her other child I get on with like a house on fire and I can spend all day with him but not her other son.

She hasn’t noticed anything yet but I am worried she will see I am not bonding with him. What should I do? I’m worried it will break us up in the long run.

If you really cannot get past this I can't see a future for you. That little boy deserves to have parents and step parents who love him, he will feel it himself if you don't like him and that's not a nice environment for him to live in. How would you feel if your DP felt this way about your DC?

I agree with you and it’s not that I don’t love him I do and I would do anything for him I just have this I can’t really explain feeling that he grates on me I realise it’s horrible and I would hate it if it was the other way around

I agree with chuffing it's not his fault and he probably really likes you which is sad. He deserves to feel loved

How old is he?
At different stages my own dc have grated to the point of distraction. Do you think it is a stage or personality clash?

He is 10 and I’m hoping it’s a stage because I do love him and his mum

We love quite far apart and thinking of moving in together but I’m really concerned. She spends most of the time here with me and my child and they all get on so well

I found one of my DSC quite difficult at first. He was about that she too at the time. One option is just to accept the way you feel, that it won't always be the same, and don't beat yourself up about it. As long as you're kind and fair to him, you're doing the right thing. As you spend time with kids and see them get older it becomes easier to understand why they behave as they do - that's automatic with your own DC because you've always known them, but gets easiest with DSC in time. Eg, you start to realise that they're boasting because they're feeling insecure, or lashing out because they're feeling jealous - instead of just seeing the behaviour as annoying.

If there are specific things your DSS does that really bother you and might be changeable you could try and speak to your DP about it and see if she'd be up for starting to address it. Sometimes I find it easier to accept babyish irritating behaviour if I can see that they're moving in the right direction, even if they're not yet where I'd ideally like them to be

Thank you candlelight’s I really appreciate that and I think you are exactly right

You need to get down to the reasons why he grates you. The reality is that some kids are just not as likeable as others, even as parents, many will feel much closer to one than others, but of course, they either don't say, or don't even acknowledge it to themselves, but that's how it is.

It's hard to make yourself like someone you don't, so no point in pressuring yourself by making yourself feel terrible and forcing yourself to feel something that isn't coming. What you need to do is focus on what you like about him, and do things together around this, and work on ignoring the things that really gets to you.

Do you even know what it is about his behaviour that makes you feel this way?