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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Teenage step son going into care

58 replies

Pandabear123 · 27/11/2017 14:34

Hi all, my husband has 2 children living very far away from us. We don't get to see them very regularly but we skype them 3 times a week. The older boy has lots of mental health problems which his mother just hasn't managed at all... long and short is she is now giving him up to full time residential care. It is all very sad and stressful but not a total surprise - this has been coming for a few years now as he is totally out of control. My question is, if he is on care full time, where does our child maintainence go? We pay £250 per child - will his now go to the government? Continue to go to a mother who no longer has him? Does it stop? Can we set up a bank account for him instead??

OP posts:
Belleoftheball8 · 27/11/2017 14:35

Why can you not take residence of the boy? Is that an option?

DearMrDilkington · 27/11/2017 14:36

That's your only concern?

Poor kid..

PugwallsSummer · 27/11/2017 14:50

Sounds like his Mother isn't the only one who hasn't "managed at all", as she's not the only one giving him up to full time care. Where is his Father in all this?

Sirzy · 27/11/2017 14:52

I have to agree with others it does seem like your priorities aren’t quite right here!

ImADingleDangleScarecrow · 27/11/2017 14:54

Rather than laying all fault at the feet of his mother (which is what your post seems to imply), why don’t you and your DH take him in?

If this post is real, I find it incredibly sad that your main concern appears to be about money.

TalkinBoutWhat · 27/11/2017 14:57

No need to be so nasty to the op. The money is probably the one thing that she can find out about. And there is NO hint of her wanting her DH to stop paying for heaven's sakes. She just wants to know where the money should go now.

So sorry OP. How is your DH? Can he organise regular visits to the care facility?

Mooncuplanding · 27/11/2017 14:58

Is that really your main concern?

Are you at all concerned for his wellbeing?

Is there any part of you that might think that a parent who never sees their teenage son and quibbles over paying maintenance might play some part in his struggles with his mental health at the moment?

notangelinajolie · 27/11/2017 15:00

Ah that is very sad. Can his Dad take him?

StereophonicallyChallenged · 27/11/2017 15:05

FT residential care for MH issues is really difficult to get, and certainly not something that a parent can just demand Hmm He must actually need lots of care and maybe his mum is just not qualified to provide it (as most of us aren't)

Fwiw she might have even more costs than when he was living at home, depending on what is actually happening. Also, presumably his mum won't suddenly downsize and will still be providing his home for when he is well enough to return.

Why hasn't his dad had anything to do with all of this?

Original poster
Pandabear123 · 27/11/2017 15:12

Thank you for all replies. Obviously there are a lot of concerns here. And as I haven't gone into full details of the situation I can see a number of you are jumping to conclusions. I could tell you all lots of grisly details, police reports, psch reports etc. I could tell you many reasons why i might sound down on the mother. However, that is not what I wanted to do. 99% of what we are going through cannot be helped with by strangers on an online forum. What I did need help with was securing information about a legal point of view - and as someone pointed out, in no way did i suggest stopping payments for him.
For those who have immediately started with "what are you doing about it", as we have a baby, and due to the nature of his problems, social services would not allow us to take residential care of him.
I have seen people maul others on here, just so interesting to see people thinking the worst and deciding to kick people when they are down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pandabear123 · 27/11/2017 15:16

Stereo, thank you for your considered reply. Yes, things have been very, very bad for a few years. Many, many agencies involved. It is clear things haven't been coped with for a while but we are often not told anything until a social worker calls us. As I said in my last post, we have a baby and residence is not an option. They live in Ireland so we cannot see that often. Tbh it is just a total mess.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 27/11/2017 15:18

FT residential care for MH issues is really difficult to get, and certainly not something that a parent can just demand hmm He must actually need lots of care and maybe his mum is just not qualified to provide it (as most of us aren't)

Well quite!! And something some of the bleeding hearts on here just (thankfully) dont have a fucking clue about!

If he wants to reduce his maintenance he probably can. However in your shoes I’d Get some proper advice. The place taking him will be costing more than that. He’ll still need money for spends, maybe that’s an option?

Original poster
Pandabear123 · 27/11/2017 15:18

Thank you Talkingabout. That is how I feel. There is so little I can actually do or have control over.

OP posts:
LIZS · 27/11/2017 15:37

What a strange post. Clearly skype has not been enough to prevent this situation. What other involvement has your dh had?

CosmicCanary · 27/11/2017 15:44

I know this is going to sound like a dig but I cannot get past the "we cant have him as we have a baby" and the fact that you state this has been bad for years. Why did dad not step in sooner then before the baby came along.

Poor lad and poor mum.

As for the money I would ask his social worker for advice.
Part of me thinks it should continue to go to mum like compensation for being a crap absent parent all these years while she had to cope.

PositivelyPERF · 27/11/2017 15:52

Ignore all the posters jumping on you, OP. Every fucking thread I've read today has had nasty posters from the very start. There's either something in the air or we've been infiltrated.

Do you think the youngest child, that's with the mother, will suffer because of less money coming in? I'm assuming you can continue to pay it? What about continuing to send the mother a percentage of it and putting some in an account for the oldest so he has funds, if and when he's discharged, so he has something to fall back on? He will still need clothes, toiletries and spending money, in care, so maybe open another account for him to access while in the hospital.

ems137 · 27/11/2017 15:53

Similar situation happened with my brother after our mum died. I was made his legal guardian and my dad then paid the maintenance to me. My brother (17 by this point) needed to go into care and my dad sought legal advice, he was told he didn't have to pay it anymore.

Original poster
Pandabear123 · 27/11/2017 15:59

Sadly, not much Lizs. They moved back to Ireland 7 years ago and phsical visits have been limited to school holidays. Anyway, I didn't really want to get upset all over again. I just wanted to know if we could redirect his money into an account for him so he had independent money, or in the case that he might be in care until 18 (15 1/2 now), that he/ we had savings ready for him. Possibly that seems cold but I am just trying to find something proactive to do. We asked to go over next weekend to see him but told it is not a good idea. I not sure way else to do atm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pandabear123 · 27/11/2017 16:11

Dear positively, yes that is what I was thinking along the lines of. Dear Ems, that sounds...like an incredibly hard situation. So sorry to hear you have suffered. We did seek legal advice on getting custody 3 years ago but we're told.if the child didn't want to come (he was over 11) and the mother wasn't on drink or drugs that there was little chance of success and that it would damage our relationship with them. Going to ignore the haters who just want a chance to bash a dad without any clue of what has gone on.

OP posts:
lynmilne65 · 27/11/2017 16:14

Obviously none of you have had the original son from beyond hell.

CosmicCanary · 27/11/2017 16:17

Obviously none of you have had the original son from beyond hell.

Going through it right now and for the last 3 years Sad

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 27/11/2017 16:20

The fuck? You're posting about money when your DSS is going into care?

Original poster
Pandabear123 · 27/11/2017 16:23

Yeah, actually re-read the post and subsequent ones before you jump on your high horse Accidently!!

OP posts:
AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 27/11/2017 16:26

I did thanks Panda. I can't get my head around the fact that this was your first thing to post when your 'd'SS is going into care- where does the money go? Hardly sounds like a caring stepmum does it?

Not drip feeding would certainly help.

Fattymcfaterson · 27/11/2017 16:27

I'm so sorry for the replies you are getting on here OP.
I've not real advise but Flowers