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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Teenage step son going into care

58 replies

Pandabear123 · 27/11/2017 14:34

Hi all, my husband has 2 children living very far away from us. We don't get to see them very regularly but we skype them 3 times a week. The older boy has lots of mental health problems which his mother just hasn't managed at all... long and short is she is now giving him up to full time residential care. It is all very sad and stressful but not a total surprise - this has been coming for a few years now as he is totally out of control. My question is, if he is on care full time, where does our child maintainence go? We pay £250 per child - will his now go to the government? Continue to go to a mother who no longer has him? Does it stop? Can we set up a bank account for him instead??

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 27/11/2017 16:33

Some posters live in a lovely bubble.

For those of us who actually get MH problems I can see you are asking if you pay government or can provide the care facility money for his care.
I also know that moving a child with MH difficulties to a difference residence - especially abroad - isn’t always in their best interests which is what everyone involved will have been looking at.

My suggestion would be perhaps you could give half to the Mum (allow her and other dc some extra spends as I’m sure they’ve both had an extremely rough ride) and see if half can go to other dc for sounds of start an account for them to have finds when they are well enough to come out of residential. Coming out to nothing and no money can be hard and set back recovery for some people.

Nomoretears56 · 27/11/2017 16:35

Horrible time for all concerned OP, hope it all works out for all of you.

TalkinBoutWhat · 27/11/2017 16:48

Oh Panda, how could you post a question without giving all of the nitty gritty details for the edification of those who think they have a right to judge every single aspect of your life and find you severely wanting. How COULD you?!!! Hmm

Panda, I hope it works out. I second the idea of giving half the amount and setting aside the other half for your step son, so he has some money now and/or for when he gets out. Hopefully he will go into supported accommodation.

hesterton · 27/11/2017 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrRisotto · 27/11/2017 16:57

It seems as thought some posters are forgetting that OP is a human being who hasn't posted the (undoubtedly) incredibly long details of this scenario. Of course this will have been a difficult time, lets give her the benefit of the doubt that they've done what they can. We know nothing of her situation and if we can't advise on her question either point her in a useful direction or fuck off! Why be nasty?

Dozer · 27/11/2017 17:00

The decent thing to do would be to continue to pay and for your H to make frequent visits in person if/when this is allowed. Your H’s ex will probably have lots of additional expenses for travel etc.

Dozer · 27/11/2017 17:01

“Done what they can” via skype and a low amount of maintenance apparently.

Branleuse · 27/11/2017 17:39

is it really that bad that somebody would ask for some specific practical advice even if it is an emotional situation?

inthenameotheweeman · 27/11/2017 18:06

Dozer all else aside, how is £250 per child, per month, low? You have all the details of the DH’s income handy, do you? Hmm

LibbyLongtree · 27/11/2017 18:38

Hi Panda

I'm sorry I have no advice but please ignore the ignorant and nasty responses. Seems that most SMs and non resident dads are on a hiding to nothing on this site a lot of the time. Flowers

TalkinBoutWhat · 27/11/2017 18:44

Branleuse - apparently so. It seems you can only ask for the practical advice if you first hand over every shred of information about the situation and prove beyond reasonable doubt that you have done everything humanly (and inhumanly) possible regardless of anything and everything else......

QuiteLikely5 · 27/11/2017 18:49

Nope you can stop that money the day he moves to residential

blueskyinmarch · 27/11/2017 19:00

OP I am so sorry that your SS is having to go into care and I am so sorry that you are getting such a pasting. Some people have no empathy and no idea that you can't just step in and 'save' young people. It doesn't work like that at all.

I am a social worker and I know they will have undertaken an assessment of all the the options available and that this one will be the one they deem to be best for your SS. It doesn't mean you are washing your hands of him it just means he will get the care he needs and won't be putting your younger child at risk.

I have no answer to your original question but I wish you all well.

purplecorkheart · 27/11/2017 19:02

I think you need to contact his social worker for advice. TULSA may also be able to advise.

lunar1 · 27/11/2017 21:22

Why can't you and your husband live separately for so he can care for his children?

Nomoretears56 · 27/11/2017 21:26

lunar1

Why can't you and your husband live separately for so he can care for his children?

Really???? Why would they do that? He lives with OP and she's told us they have one child so he's not taking care of that one, he also pays a reasonable amount of child maintenance for two children. As a pp said SS will have to taken into account all possible scenarios and have chosen the one most suitable in the circumstances. Your question is astounding!!!

Nomoretears56 · 27/11/2017 21:27

is not not (if you see what I mean)

GreenPurpleRed · 27/11/2017 21:31

Or why have more dc if you can't support the ones you have.

That's probably what's the saddest about this post.

Nomoretears56 · 27/11/2017 21:34

It's not a perfect world out there and none of you are likely to be perfect, but keep kicking someone who is obviously down!!

TalkinBoutWhat · 27/11/2017 21:35

Or why have more dc if you can't support the ones you have.

That's probably what's the saddest about this post

Nope, not the saddest thing here at all. The saddest thing is the judgmental attitude of people who know next to nothing about the situation.

GreenPurpleRed · 27/11/2017 21:36

Yeah the dss isn't the saddest thing but the OP not getting sweetness and light. Sure.Hmm

retirednow · 27/11/2017 21:41

There is a government site which tells you where child maintenance can be paid when a child goes into residential care. Just google it, the info is all there.

Discusting · 27/11/2017 21:44

Some people are just horrible. The OP wanted advice on the best thing to do with maintenance and sounds like she is trying to do the right thing in a difficult situation. I am sure this wasn't her first thought, she probably doesn't post every detail of her families private life online, just the part she wanted some advice on. Some people need to stop being so judgemental and just ignore a post if they don't have anything constructive to say.

mumofblueeyes · 27/11/2017 21:51

This is Mumsnet at it's worst. If the mother moved away with her children to Ireland - choosing to move away from the father - why on earth shouldn't the father be allowed to start a new life and have more children. It is so judgemental to say he shouldn't have more children if he cannot look after the ones he has. A horrible thing to say. Bizarre to suggest that he should move out, away from his new baby and wife to live with his mentally ill son that was taken away from him years ago. The poor OP has asked for information on financial payments, not opinions on how she and her husband live their lives.

lunar1 · 27/11/2017 21:53

I really can't see what is wrong with my question. The dad has three children, one of which has a stable home and two loving parents.

The other two have no home and no stable parent. The dad could ensure all his children had one loving live in parent. The baby is no more important than the older children.