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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Moving in together - am I being unreasonable?

58 replies

Wheresmycoffee2 · 26/11/2017 15:24

My boyfriend and I have been together around 2 years. We both currently live at home with our respective parents, and have been frantically saving to move out. We both have full time jobs and earn essentially the same amount. He has a 5 year old daughter, whom I have known for about a year and get on really well with. Daughter is from a one night stand and relationships with daughters bio mum are reasonable.

We live in a very expensive part of the country, have saved a reasonable amount each, so have started to have a little look on property websites and discuss what’s affordable, etc. In any normal circumstance we would be looking at a one bedroom flat, get our feet on the property ladder, live there for 2 years and then look to move somewhere bigger. As he has a daughter already he wants to look for a 2 bedroom flat. Which is obviously fair enough. I haven’t bought it up as I don’t know how to broach the subject (I might add we are both relatively young, I’m 22, so I don’t have any friends or anyone to talk to in similar situations). Every time we discuss finances it’s only ever been a 50:50 split. Is it fair to expect me to pay 50% when, If it wasn’t for his child, there is no way we would be looking at a 2 bedroom flat. I personally don’t feel I should be expected to pay (a lot) more when it’s not my child. I also feel that if I mention this to him he will get defensive and accuse me of not liking the child or something along those lines.

Am I being unreasonable? What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:

SagAloo · 26/11/2017 15:26

I don’t think you’re cut out to be involved with a man who has a child with these sorts of views.

Alittlepotofrosie · 26/11/2017 15:27

You're not cut out to be a stepmum. Find someone without kids.

pigeondujour · 26/11/2017 15:32

I wouldn't want to move in (and pay half) with a guy with a 5 year old if I was 22. I'm not much older than you and I 100% wouldn't do it. I'm not saying break up with him, but I'd be really wary of moving in - especially if you're already mentally clashing with him re finances.

KatieKookaburra26 · 26/11/2017 15:32

I agree with pp you don’t sound as if you’re cut out to be a step parent. You can’t have the ‘it’s not my child’ mentality.

Dancinggoat · 26/11/2017 15:33

If you want it that way he will then own a bigger percentage of the property and any one you buy after that.

ElspethFlashman · 26/11/2017 15:35

How on earth can you afford to buy a 2 bedroom flat in a very expensive part of the country at 22??

More to the point, why would you want to? It's very very young to be saddling yourself with a mortgage (and a step daughter) you don't even want.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 26/11/2017 15:37

Don't tie yourself down with someone at such a young age, particularly someone who has a child.

pinkhorse · 26/11/2017 15:46

That's not a very good attitude. What happens with things like bills and food etc. Would you expect him to pay more because it's his child?
You need to be with someone without children

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/11/2017 15:46

Don’t move in together. Get your own place and carry on dating for a while, rather than living together.

sweetsalami · 26/11/2017 15:46

I was sort of in your boyfriend's position when I moved in with DH - I have a DS although he lived with me full time, and we obviously needed a 2 bed when we moved in together. In our situation we just pooled our finances as DH earned far more than me, and living together meant we were becoming a family unit so we stopped splitting finances at that point and combined everything. DH definitely has ended up paying more (especially as I lost my tax credits when moving in and then stopped work once we had a DD together) but he just views it as supporting our whole family unit, rather than paying for a child that isn't his.

Belleoftheball8 · 26/11/2017 15:49

This relationship is not for you. You were only 20 when you got with this man who I’m guessing was similar age with a 3year old. Go and see the world and meet someone without kids your not compatible if this is how you feel about moving in together.

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 26/11/2017 15:52

If it wasn’t for his child

If you find yourself uttering this sentence the step parenting isn’t for you.

Find yourself someone who isn’t a biodad

InvisibleKittenAttack · 26/11/2017 15:54

Have you ever lived away from your parents?

If not, I'd suggest moving out and renting, possibly in a shared house/flat for a while. Get used to living independently and leaving it a while before settling down. 22 seems very young to go from "living with parents" straight to "step family".

expatinscotland · 26/11/2017 15:54

Here's a newsflash: your idea of a property ladder is about 12 years out of date. Flash no. 2: find someone without kids.

WhiteCat1704 · 26/11/2017 15:57

He should pay more towards the flat if one bedroom is only for his DD but, as somebody said, if you want it like that he should also own more of the property.

DullAndOld · 26/11/2017 15:58

'bio mum' is it? OK

WrittenandGrown · 26/11/2017 16:11

Bio Mum Is such a horrible term, I think you mean the one and only mother of the child and the only Mum the child will ever have.

MyKingdomForBrie · 26/11/2017 16:16

You’re owning half a house, so you pay half. You’re not renting.

lunar1 · 26/11/2017 16:18

Are you happy to own less of the flat? What if you get pregnant, how would that work.

For now you pay a third, he pays two thirds.

If you have a baby will you pay him back half of one third because your joint child will take up space? What if you have twins, how much will you owe him then?

Then you need to calculate the amount of time each person spends at the house and work out prorata payments.

Will you pay him back in line with inflation? If you are working on London prices and have twins that could easily be 50k you would owe him in a few years?

And if you don't pay the bailiff is going to have a hard time figuring that out.

I hope you are both good at maths!

Starla268 · 26/11/2017 16:22

I think I have to agree with other posters here and ask you to consider if you really want to take on the role of stepmum at this point?

Your partner has a child, therefore any property you buy together will be a family home for all three of you - that's not going to be negotiable.

I was in a similar position to you in myself and my then DP (now DH) had not lived together before buying a property. My preference would have been to stay in the city we currently rented in but it was not possible to buy a house with an extra room for his DD on our budget. We therefore moved a little ways out so that we could have a proper family home for her. I would never have considered pushing for anything else - my DH and his DD came as a package.

I was also happy to pay half as it was my home that I would be living in. I was going into the relationship with the view that this would be a relationship for life, therefore the fact I was paying 'extra' for the space my DSD needed honestly didn't even cross my mind.

PSMum2 · 26/11/2017 17:04

It is not unreasonable of you to expect him to pay for more in this situation. I would bring it up with him. He probably hasn’t thought about it.

Ignore the people who say you aren’t “cut out” to be with someone with kids. You are asking a very sensible question and it is only right that you look out for your financial interests - none of us know what the future holds. You are young and getting your finances in order now will benefit all of you down the line.

lunar1 · 26/11/2017 17:10

PSMum, I agree that it doesn't necessarily mean she isn't cut out to be a step mum. But do you think she should also own less of the property?

swingofthings · 26/11/2017 17:19

I'm surprised at the response to walk away. Sounds like you've done ok so far. The thing is buying together is a big commitment and your young age and his child will make it even more difficult. Why aren't you considering renting together for 6 months or a year before embarking on a joint investment?

This way you can see how it goes. In terms of paying what it seems fair that you pay half if you both have separate accounts as he will be paying child maintenance and therefore will be left with less disposable income than you.

PSMum2 · 26/11/2017 17:21

Her ownership should be in relationship to what she pays. She’s 22 and just starting out, it’s unreasonable of her partner to expect her to make a much larger financial contribution than she otherwise would based in something he wants/needs. This is why she needs to speak to him about it and why she needs advice, not insults.

OP I’d strongly encourage you to speak to your partner and then both of you speak to a solicitor. The whole “should she own the same share of the property?” line of questioning is basically people asking how you will divide the property when you split up. Make sure you aren’t over extending yourself financially and that you protect your assets. The same goes for your partner obviously.

Decisions like these need to be made using facts and an understanding of the law, not emotions. Of course in an ideal world it would all be easy and and there would be no question about money. If it were an ideal world there wouldn’t be a step parents forum as parents would keep their relationships together. Everyone is on this board because it is not an ideal world.

Good luck OP. Your partner’s daughter is lucky to have a woman who is sensible with her money, works hard and considers her choices in her life. It’s something a lot of us missed out on growing up.

Trills · 26/11/2017 17:22

I'd suggest moving out and renting, possibly in a shared house/flat for a while. Get used to living independently and leaving it a while before settling down.

I agree with InvisibleKitten

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