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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Moving in together - am I being unreasonable?

58 replies

Wheresmycoffee2 · 26/11/2017 15:24

My boyfriend and I have been together around 2 years. We both currently live at home with our respective parents, and have been frantically saving to move out. We both have full time jobs and earn essentially the same amount. He has a 5 year old daughter, whom I have known for about a year and get on really well with. Daughter is from a one night stand and relationships with daughters bio mum are reasonable.

We live in a very expensive part of the country, have saved a reasonable amount each, so have started to have a little look on property websites and discuss what’s affordable, etc. In any normal circumstance we would be looking at a one bedroom flat, get our feet on the property ladder, live there for 2 years and then look to move somewhere bigger. As he has a daughter already he wants to look for a 2 bedroom flat. Which is obviously fair enough. I haven’t bought it up as I don’t know how to broach the subject (I might add we are both relatively young, I’m 22, so I don’t have any friends or anyone to talk to in similar situations). Every time we discuss finances it’s only ever been a 50:50 split. Is it fair to expect me to pay 50% when, If it wasn’t for his child, there is no way we would be looking at a 2 bedroom flat. I personally don’t feel I should be expected to pay (a lot) more when it’s not my child. I also feel that if I mention this to him he will get defensive and accuse me of not liking the child or something along those lines.

Am I being unreasonable? What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
Shiftymake · 26/11/2017 17:24

Economically you would probably be better off with the 2 bed but emotionally you do not seem ready for this role, saying as well that having a one bed with a child coming around every other week or so is less then ideal. In other words, looking at a 2 bed is the only logical solution for you as a couple. I promise you will want your own space! As a step mum I have done this one bed arrangement and we managed to make it work, we now live in a bigger property and life is much easier. But I love DH and knew that to be with him ment I needed to have a open mind, arms and door to them. At your age though I would never even consider it and wouldn't have coped but know of men and women that have coped at your age.

JustHereForThePooStories · 26/11/2017 17:26

  1. You’re not this child’s step mum, you’re her dad’s girlfriend.

  2. Why would you saddle yourself with someone with a child, at your young age?

  3. Buying a property with someone whose finances are much more stretched ched that yours (if you earn the same but he’s supporting a child), is madness unless you’re married and the children are a product of that relationship.

notangelinajolie · 26/11/2017 17:27

It's not going to work OP. You don't yet live together but already there is an elephant in the room. Find someone without children.

Lanaorana2 · 26/11/2017 17:38

You're getting a bashing OP. I can't see how asking you to help finance his child is that endearing, to be honest - he should be prepared to support his own child. Most men would want to.

MN hates a) stepmothers b) second wives c) pretty much any woman who isn't a momager, by the way. Obviously, hate objects have to be female on MN, too. Wrong forum for you.

Original poster
Wheresmycoffee2 · 26/11/2017 17:52

Blimey. ‘Walk away’ is not helpful in the slightest but nonetheless thanks for your feedback.
For those asking why we don’t rent for a bit and see what happens - I really don’t like the idea of wasting money on rent when it could go towards savings. When I’m fortunate enough to have a fantastic relationship with my parents who are more than happy to have me live at home, rent free, for as long as needed.

Yes I have lived away from home, only whilst I was at uni for 3 years so I was back for holidays. But again, don’t want to move out and essentially throw money away on rent when I don’t have to.

For those who have not just attacked me and my relationship. Thankyou - you’ve made some valid points of which I will certainly take on board

OP posts:
Starla268 · 26/11/2017 18:24

I can understand not wanting to rent first - again very similar to me and my DH, we would've eaten into our savings too much to then be able to buy if we had rented first which is one of the reasons we jumped straight into buying together. But, it's a risky thing to do. I won't lie to you, the first year of us living together was HARD. Trying to negotiate the changes in the relationship that come with a shared home, along with the knowledge that we were pretty much tied into the situation as we owned a home together, it was bloody tough and we very nearly didn't get through that first year. The added challenges of taking on a lot of the care for DSD did put pressure on all of us.

I can hand on heart say it wouldn't have worked if I'd gone in to it thinking of DSD as 'his child' and not my responsibility. He would've resented me for not being involved, my relationship with her would have suffered and I would've ended up feeling on the outside of the family unit.

I've just asked my DH what he would've said if I'd asked him to pay for more of the house due to DSD when we first moved in and he said he probably wouldn't have bought a house with me, so I think you need to let your partner know you are feeling this way so he can also decide if this is the right thing for him.

If you do go ahead with this move then I would sit down with your DH and have a really frank discussion about both of your expectations for how it's going to work when you live together so that you are going into I with eyes wide open, both of you. And don't expect the first year to be plain sailing, it will test the relationship no doubt which is why it's important to talk some of the challenges out before you are in the middle of them.

RyanStartedTheFire · 26/11/2017 18:38

Don't buy a house with him. Buy your own house. You don't sound cut out to be a live in step mum right now. Don't throw away your opportunity to buy a house when it could be lost if you split up. Two years is no time at all.

flumpybear · 26/11/2017 18:56

If it’s an expensive area the it’s an investment surely?

It’s the right thing to share 50:50 on general living - perhaps things like money he pays for his child to her mum should be from his wages if affordable, but if you’re keen to settle down then I think you should realise you’re in a family now with a child involved

Trills · 26/11/2017 19:02

Aside from the step-parenting thing, it's a really bad idea to buy a house with someone if you haven't tried living with them already.

wednesdayswench · 26/11/2017 19:08

I think a 50:50 split is fair, if you buy a 2 bedroomed flat it will be worth more when you sell and profit split equally.

I would encourage you to spend some time on the MN 'stepparents' boards, the success stories are the ones where SM's have embraced their SC almost as one if their own. It amazes me how much love some women (and men!) have for their partners that they can open their hearts completely to their children with another person.

NewLove · 26/11/2017 19:13

I can understand where you are coming from - there are 3 people in the house and you are being expected to pay half. You won't even have your own room, but half a room...

Another thing to consider is what happens if something happens to your partner? Chances are if he dies without a will his estate will pass to his daughter and you will lose your home.

Tread very very carefully

Tinselistacky · 26/11/2017 19:20

Op you REALLY don't know someone until you live with them!! Don't get stuck with a mortgage with a man who is a parent and you haven't lived with!! Rent for a year and re assess then.

NewLove · 26/11/2017 19:29

Another piece of advice is never move in with a guy who has never lived independently or he may well expect you to do everything his mum does, and him just sit playing his xbox...

glow1984 · 26/11/2017 20:05

I wouldn’t buy a house with someone I’ve never lived with. If you break up in a year, cos you can’t stand to live together, that will be so much hassle. You should rent and see how it goes. It’s not “throwing money away” if it’s just a year

Magda72 · 27/11/2017 00:26

Hi OP - if I were in your shoes I'd buy my own studio/one bedroomed place. I'd stay with your dp but let him sort his finances & accommodation for his daughter separately.
See how things go & further down the line you could both sell & combine.

I don't want to sound condescending but my eldest son is now 21 & there is no way I would support him getting so financially embedded with someone else at his age.
People change hugely in their 20's so give yourself that bit of space - you'll learn to love it.

Bambooo · 27/11/2017 08:48

I see where you're coming from, but I think the point about ownership is most pertinent. If you want 50/50 ownership and you aren't married, I would imagine you should pay 50/50 (though I don't know the legalities).

If he actually has more money to put into the property than you, and you are happy with a less than 50% share, then why don't you discuss it with him?

Bambooo · 27/11/2017 08:55

Actually on reflection I don't think it's a great plan buying a property with a guy you've never lived with, who has a 5 year old child, when you are 22. There are so many posts on this forum from women who end up finding stepparenting so much harder over time than it seemed at the beginning, and really regretting getting involved. I am not judging your relationship, but just based on the facts I think you owe it to yourself to tread carefully. If you do go ahead, I think you should definitely make sure you know what you'd do in terms of selling the house and splitting the proceeds in case of it not working out.

ShotsFired · 27/11/2017 08:58

@Trills Aside from the step-parenting thing, it's a really bad idea to buy a house with someone if you haven't tried living with them already.

This x 1000. Don't fall for that old renting is dead money thing. Because it's a hell of a lot cheaper to rent for 12 months than get tangled up in a house purchase and then extricate yourself if things go wrong.

Would you buy a car sight unseen, no test drive? No - well housebuying is an order of magnitude bigger than that, so look at renting together as a test drive.

yowerohotesies · 27/11/2017 09:28

Buying a house at the age of 22 with someone you have never lived with who has a kid is just a really bad idea. Don't do it. Doesn't matter what your %age split of costs is, just don't.

Whatsinanameanyway201 · 27/11/2017 09:30

You're in the wrong relationship. His daughter and him come as a package, deal with it or leave them to get on with their lives. You sound awful?

sothisisnew · 27/11/2017 09:47

OP you can decide yourself on whether you guys are ready to buy a property together- but I would say that IMO before you do so you should at least be able to discuss financial matters openly and honestly between the two of you. You need to have a similar attitude towards the split between you, for both scenarios: a) that you stay together and continue to contribute to the mortgage and b) that you split up and distribute the proceeds from a sale.

Also, please remember that although you can always sell a property if you do split up- it's the fixed term mortgage that can really trip you up. If you get a 5 year fixed mortgage and split up after 18 months, that's quite a wait to be stuck owning together.

I agree that I wouldn't feel that 50:50 contributions are 'fair'. Even if you will get the potentially higher profit of an extra room when you sell, you don't get the use of the room while you're together so it's not quite that straightforward.

When my DP and I first got together, he would get defensive when I wouldn't jump to split the cost of a trip to soft play or lunch out for the four of us down the middle . When we talked about it properly we came to the conclusion that he simply wasn't used to those kind of discussions, as in the past he had simply paid for everything from the 'family pot'. Once I'd explained my point of view he understood and apologised for not thinking it through. Since then we have set up unequal contributions to a joint account to level the playing field in a way we're both happy with.
Can he afford more? I would recommend a conversation on the principles of how you want to set up this arrangement.

swingofthings · 27/11/2017 10:13

I really don’t like the idea of wasting money on rent when it could go towards savings
You will waste a lot less renting for 6 months then you will possibly do by committing yourself to a joint purchase.

Consider the costs that comes with buying a house, which will be a lot more than the fees associated with renting. Then imagine that you hate your living arrangements and it does work out and you agree to separate. Could either of you buy the other one out? If not, you can factor more costs selling the house. Add to that the risk of negative equity and you could find yourself a lot worse financially than if you rented for 6/12 months to be sure that it is working out.

As everyone said, don't underestimate what it is like to live with someone with kids. It is VERY different to spending time together at one of the other, when you always know that you could 'escape' at the end of the period.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 28/11/2017 07:46

Renting for 6 months and getting those first rows over and done with when it's easy to walk away isn't dead money, it's a test drive.

Also worth thinking carefully, currently the child's mother has custody, if you get together with a man with a child, you must be prepared that a possibility that life changes might means that your dp becomes the resident parent and dsc moves in with you. Don't take on a relationship with someone with a child unless you are happy to take on a full step mum role.

cherryontopp · 28/11/2017 08:59

I became a 'step mum' at 23....i remember everyone telling me im too young to take on such baggage, I of course, didnt listen.

Didn't think there was any good men out there and to be honest, I just wanted to be in a long term relationship.

Boy was I wrong. You argue about things you wouldnt believe. Everything is an issue, bedrooms when you have your own dc, xmas presents, financial strain on your relationship, holidays, how your partner parents his child, the ex....the list is endless.

Take it from someone who has been there done it, run for the hills and dont look back. Youll see what a lucky escape you've had.

Bibidy · 28/11/2017 13:54

OP I'm not going to tell you to walk away and I'm not going to tell you you're being unreasonable.

Tbh my initial - purely financial - thought would be: if you're buying, a 2-bed flat will be a better buy than a 1-bed, regardless of the reason why.

I'd be more inclined to agree with you if you were renting as you're paying out money that you'd never see a return on, but if you're buying then ideally you'd want to be on an equal footing with your buying partner, so in your shoes I wouldn't want him to pay more as then he'll then own more of the property than you.

Is a 2-bed affordable for you?

xx