Babysitting dss

[Betsybackwater]

My lovely DH has a 9yo DS who he sees during the week and EOW. We have been together 4 years and this arrangement has not changed ( except for holiday contact of course). I have a DS who is almost 4. Now my DH is very protective of his time with his DSand we spend EOW doing fun things and the boring stuff is kept for the weekends we don’t have him. In the four years we have been together we have NEVER gone out without the kids on the EOW weekend. We don’t go out much to be fair. I have raised the issue before but been shot down very quickly that this is his time with DS and he doesn’t want to go out. I do sort of understand and it’s not something I am suggesting we do every weekend.
However! It’s my birthday in a few weeks time and a friend has arranged an adults night out for us all. She’s an amazing cook and going to go to great lengths to provide us with lovely lovely food and wine ( I think my birthday is just an excuse to get the crowd together). Everyone else has organised babysitters for the night so we can all kick back and relax. My DH won’t go. Now I will go by myself but I’m getting really tired of this. AIBU???

I don't think you're being unreasonable Betsy.

I appreciate that OH's time with his son is limited, but one evening for your birthday is not a lot to ask. SS will probably be in bed for most of the time you're out anyway and OH still has that whole day and the next day to spend with him. It's only a few hours.

I would feel very upset and embarrassed to have to attend my own birthday party without OH.

Could you swap weekends with his Mum? That way DH will still have time with DSS and your birthday plans are not spoilt. But YANBU to be upset

Thank you both. DH is very set in his view and thinks I am being entirely unreasonable to expect him to go out if only for the evening.
Unfortunately the relationship with his ex is extremely hostile so a swap is out of the question.
We have missed out on several nights out with friends because of his views. His mother ( who is wonderful) is also dying to babysit. It’s not like we would be leaving the kids with some random stranger!
However on non DSS weekends it is perfectly acceptable to go out leaving DS with a babysitter.
Sorry. Ranting now!

YANBU at all. If the relationship is hostile could it be possible that’s he’s worried his ex will get angry with him for not spending his time with dss?

But no, one evening wouldn’t hurt. As said, dss would probably be in bed most of the time anyway.

YANBU. Is there a backstory with your DH - does he feel that his time with his DS is limited or restricted by his ex wife? I know in the early days my DP sometimes used to drop everything to have DS because he felt so afraid of not having that time if he didn't agree to it, and that she'd accuse him of not wanting DS.

YABU. How do you you think his son will feel if his father picks you over him? Even if it is only once? I don't see why you couldn't have asked your friend todo it a week later.

I’m not sure here. I turn down invites on my weekends with ds as I don’t want to lose any time with him. I have maybe twice got a babysitter and felt guilty and hated it while we were out.

Ttbb this has nothing to do with picking anyone over anyone and actually sometimes ie when it's someone's birthday we go out of the way to put them first.

OP YANBU. Your DP will have the whole weekend with his DS except a couple of hours max in the evening before he goes to bed. Would he not like time with his GM? Sounds like he probably doesn't get much alone time with her. And you've already said she would like that time with her GS.

I don't think you are being unreasonable and can totally understand you wanting him to allow his mother to babysit for a few hours on your birthday.

But he sounds like a fiercely loyal father who clearly misses his son a lot when he's with at his EW's house. What time he does get with him is precious and so giving up any of it, even a few hours may seem out of the question for him.

It's a difficult one as you are definitely not unreasonable wanting to go out as a one-off for your birthday, but his position is understandable too.

Oh don't be daft Ttbb, OP's DH doesn't mind leaving their child together when they want to go out and DSS isn't there. Has anyone ever heard of a child of any age being traumatised for life because their parents went out for the evening and left them with a caring responsible adult for a few hours - especially when they're asleep.

I've heard it all now.

We have my DSC at least a night a weekend all bar a couple of weeks a year and we make plans when they're not with us. We've never left them with a sitter and make plans around when we have them. But we would, they wouldn't be traumatised FGS, and they're fine when their mother goes out and leaves them with people.

I'd be sad and disappointed that when his Mum is happy to step in and babysit, and DSS is 9, so hardly a baby, you can't have one night out together to celebrate your birthday with your friends.

To the people saying YABU, how much "quality time" do you have with your DC when they're asleep at night?

I think it's an admirable general principle your DH has, but he is being quite silly refusing to bend for the sake of a special birthday celebration. Especially as it is in the evening so DSS would only be missing out on a couple of hours with him before bedtime.

Do you think DSS would actually mind?

Could you suggest your DH does something special just him and DSS the next day or another visit to balance it out?

I don't think you'd be unreasonable to point out this is a special occasion and that he has duties to you as a partner even if not as generally important as his fatherly duties to DS you're just asking for ONE exception. Putting children first doesn't mean putting them literally first making them the priority on every occasion. It means putting them first overall.

However even if he does go now will you be able to enjoy it? I probably wouldn't if I had to wrangle attendance out of him.

Hi OP - I have the same in that dp never misses his weekends with his kids. I totally understand this but it means that like you I end up doing lots of stuff by myself.
However, he would change or skip a weekend for my birthday if something along the lines of a party was planned so while I understand where your oh is coming from I think he's being way too rigid in this instance.
Maybe his mum could talk to him? Explain how she'd love some time with her grandson ?
I think it's very important for kids to also spend time with extended family on access weekends.

Assuming its an evening do the DSS will be in bed for most of the time you are out so YANBU especially as it is a one off special occasion.

After all if he were your joint child you'd have a babysitter. If your DH wants his son and your DSS to be treated as one of the family then he'd have a babysitter, the same as you would for your 4 year old.

I wouldn't leave my child to go out if I only saw them EOW either. Presumably he lives with your 4 year old full time so leaving him with a babysitter really isn't the same.

YABU. How do you you think his son will feel if his father picks you over him? Even if it is only once? I don't see why you couldn't have asked your friend to do it a week later.

Ttbb I totally disagree with this attitude, it isn't a competition and SS needs to learn that the world doesn't revolve around him, just like every other child does. It will not harm him at all to spend one evening with his grandmother, he may really enjoy the special night as a bit of a change.

PS OP has said they have SS EOW and during the week too, it's not like DH never sees him. A couple of hours to celebrate OP's birthday shouldn't be too much to ask. It's not like she's planned it herself on purpose, her friend has planned it.

YABU. How do you you think his son will feel if his father picks you over him? Even if it is only once? I don't see why you couldn't have asked your friend todo it a week later.

There's always one!

Surely if your dss is at his second home then having a babysitter now and again is just an example of a normal family situation??

ISo it fine for your son to be left out for a night etc but not his.
I would be demanding my son be shown the same respect etc he shows his.
Totally shocking.

Sorrt to point out but This is a big issue than a birthday event.

sorry and bigger

Ttbb thank you for your perspective as I think this is the way DH views things. However, i feel that is a very unhealthy way of viewing relationships. We all have special people in our lives and we shouldn’t have to ‘pick’ one or other. Demonstrating to DSS that he can have quality time with him of a weekend and still spend some adult time with his wife and friends can only be a good thing. Plus at that time of night the boy is usually glued to TV / tablet and trying to get more than a grunt out of him is a feat!
And yes. The boys Mum has been doing her best to limit contact etc but how long do we let her control our lives from afar??
I also do feel it’s very unfair on DS that he is the only one who gets left at the weekends! He’s bound to start noticing the different standards soon

Rainbow wish, thank you. It’s difficult to get perspective when it’s your own but you have voiced how I feel perfectly!

I understand it must be frustrating OP. But if I only had limited time with my dc i would be the same.

Your birthday get together could have been scheduled around it, you knew he was unlikely to attend. Go yourself, have a great time.