Babysitting dss

[Betsybackwater]

My lovely DH has a 9yo DS who he sees during the week and EOW. We have been together 4 years and this arrangement has not changed ( except for holiday contact of course). I have a DS who is almost 4. Now my DH is very protective of his time with his DSand we spend EOW doing fun things and the boring stuff is kept for the weekends we don’t have him. In the four years we have been together we have NEVER gone out without the kids on the EOW weekend. We don’t go out much to be fair. I have raised the issue before but been shot down very quickly that this is his time with DS and he doesn’t want to go out. I do sort of understand and it’s not something I am suggesting we do every weekend.
However! It’s my birthday in a few weeks time and a friend has arranged an adults night out for us all. She’s an amazing cook and going to go to great lengths to provide us with lovely lovely food and wine ( I think my birthday is just an excuse to get the crowd together). Everyone else has organised babysitters for the night so we can all kick back and relax. My DH won’t go. Now I will go by myself but I’m getting really tired of this. AIBU???

I would feel upset about this too OP. I can understand your DP's opinion in general, but for a one-off birthday dinner I think he could be a bit more flexible.

LML83 no it couldn’t be scheduled for another time.* It’s my birthday which aren’t really reschedulable but it’s also the only date we can all get together. We all have busy lives especially this time of year.* I will go by myself and I will enjoy myself but I would like my husband to be there too and I don’t think that that is unreasonable

Ooops. Looks like I’m shouting with all the bold type! Not certain what happen there! Sorry!!

I think if he doesn't start treating you better he could find himself going through a second divorce and seeing both boys part-time. If he doesn't want that he needs to start thinking about things.

OP - I feel your pain. On the day of my birthday this year, my OH deemed that taking the children to football practice for the day was more important than spending the day (my birthday) with me.

Dad wants to please the kids and doesn’t see them as much as he likes (mother won’t allow any more time than stated in the contact order). I appreciate he wants to see his kids but from my perspective it’s one day. Needless to say my OH knows how upset I am about this.

It’s one night and stepchild gets to spend time with granny. It’s win win, you should go. If he won’t go with you, go on your own and have a great time.

Sorry, I don’t think that kids always take priority over adults.

the date you celebrate your birthday/excuse for a get together can move. Not now, but when your friend suggested it.

i understand its frustrating but I would struggle not seeing my dc every day too.

Its great to see a father on here who values his time with his dc, but 4 years of you all being tied to not doing anything when DSS is with you & not attending a partners birthday celebration because he is 'valuing' his time with his dc is being U, completely different if it was that you couldn't find a appropriate babysitter, it's also sad to hear DSS mother & oh are on such bad terms that there's no flexibility with the rota for either of them, I'd have a chat with oh about y he's set like he is about his dc is he worried if ds mother heard he had left son with grandparent to attend your birthday meal it might cause any more problems with seeing son if so its understandable he feels like this or is it just him not wanting to leave ds

I think it's a bit of a disingenuous comparison with other DS as he is presumably there with you most days, it's his full time home. So it's not so "bad" to leave him with a babysitter, whereas DSS has come to your home for a certain period.

I still agree that he could occasionally be left with a sitter at night though, like for this one off special event. It's reinforcing that he is part of the family like your DS and not a "special guest". It's a shame that your DP doesn't see it like that.

One evening being babysat by his doting grandma? Presumably some of which he’ll be asleep?
I think your dh is being a bit of a twat.

Why don't generally go out if we have DPs children, if we do, the they go to DPs parents, their grandparents, to have quality time with them too. They love it and see it as a treat rather than their Dad choosing me over them.

It’s the fact MIL is dying to do it too!! it won’t impact on his time too much and will mean the world to her. And thank you didiusfalco. U made me choke on my tea!!! Laughed so hard!!!

Any mileage in DP putting him to bed then MIL taking over and him coming to join you all at your friends place?

Thedoddyclub I had thought about that but logistically it wouldn’t work.* Friend having party lives quite far away so it gets difficult with cars etc.* Plus if he put her to bed etc by the time he gets there the eating bit will be done and a good few will be headed home ( young children and babysitter curfews etc!!)

YANBU OP

Hopefully when you get back with gifts and stories of the night he will realise his priorities were more than a bit off

Sorry but if I had limited time with my DD I would be the same, especially if I had a difficult ex. I also think it's a bit unfair to compare leaving your DS if you have residency, if you also only have EOW and some holidays with him then it would be comparable.

It's probable your DSS will think it's strange himself when you go off out to celebrate your birthday without your DP.

That he sticks to his dedicated time with his DS: absolutely right and good on him.

That he can't make an exception to this: silly and unfair on you.

Maybe he is hidding behind this excuse though. Could it be that actually doesn't care to go out with your friends?

Swing of things. I had thought of that on other occasions but this night is ‘our’ friends.** The crowd we used to hang out with before too many responsibilities etc!!!

Neither of you is wrong.

He only gets to see his DS some of the time whereas your ds lives with you full-time. There is therefore no comparison, and whether people agree or not, the (part-time) DS will notice that his brother lives there full-time and that he would be missing out on more time with his dad if his dad went out and got a babysitter.

And how many threads do we see on here from mothers who are annoyed that the father was supposed to be having contact time with their child and went out without them? If the ex is difficult about that then the DH is in a no-win situation really, especially if she is trying to limit contact as it is. It's not going to be long now before the DS is old enough to decide on his own contact arrangements.

IMO and IME people under-estimate what it's actually like to only see your child every other weekend and maybe a day in the week.

Yes it is hard not seeing your child/children all the time but it really infuriates me that some adults who are NRP let this dictate all their other relationships. For the most part people CHOOSE to separate/divorce & when they do so they have to take on board that (generally speaking) neither parent will have their children all the time. As parents they have to decide on 50/50 or what other arrangement best suits their new family unit.
Of course it's not easy but bemoaning it after the fact is crying over split milk. You can't choose a path in life & then expect everyone else in your life to adapt to your way of doing things all the time just because of the decisions YOU made.
OP's OH is being really daft here - sacrificing her birthday & his investment in friendships because he won't leave his ds with his gm for a few hours.
There no rational to that imo.

Totally agree Magda. I’ve been saying this all along. I’m lucky that my DP gets it but many don’t

Completely agree magda. When a decision is made to split there is a consequence to both parties. In my case I now have 50/50 care of my DD with her dad- that is my consequence.

Allowing complete dictation is on a hiding to nothing imo. DSS will be with his loving nan, not sent to a concentration camp!

It's one night & it's his DW birthday with his friends. These relationships are important too.

If OP's DH is concerned that his ex will stop contact because of it, he needs to get a formal contact agreement in place, not pander to her every whim/moan.

DH could do something nice with him in the day time one-to-one then DSS could have a lovely evening with nan. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this.

You aren't wrong at all OP. He needs to be more flexible with the people he loves in his life.

I've never thought about it in terms of making the decision to separate, but more in terms of deciding to embark on a new committed relationship with a new partner. If you want to dedicate your time with your child 100% to that child with no exceptions and no flexibility, that's absolutely your perogative but not very compatible with committing to a partner. Of course a good partner should understand the child needs to come first and be sympathetic to that, but that doesn't mean to the exclusion of everyone else in every minor case.

I remember once before DP and I lived together, but after I had met DSS and started sleeping over sometimes, DSS and I both got ill at the same time. I suggested to DP I should go home so he could focus on DSS, but he said no, I can look after both of you, it doesn't have to be one or the other. I have never forgotten that, and I have to say that it was something that made me realise I could trust DP and he was both a good partner and a good father.

If I was OP I would feel very hurt that OH could not put himself out (a couple of hours away from his son who is going to be spending 90% of the weekend with) here. This is a one off event with friends. These relationships are also imortant. As are you - surely! I would attend alone but feel very embarrassed and ashamed.

I think when children of separated parents are sort of treated like a guest of honour and prioritised above all then those kids can miss out on a sense of normal family life and also, in this case, time with a DGP who dotes on him. He is lucky to have that. Not all kids do.

So on all 3 levels he is being ridiculous. And a —big— little bit of my love would die every time this hampered on a special occasion. A doting grandparent babysitting once a year is not much to ask.